Tag: Manipulative

At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ?  It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate. 

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

It’s A Woman’s Prerogative

So the question is asked –

Should a woman that has planned on giving her baby up for adoption, with a family for the baby chosen, details worked out, etc, be able to change her mind after the baby is born ?

This started as a situation where the hopeful adoptive couple helped the expectant mother get back into school and away from an abusive ex. The couple got to hold and name the baby but then she took it away from them. She said they had helped her reach a point of stability, where she no longer needed to put her baby up for adoption.

The kicker is that this was a fictional TV drama but it upset hopeful prospective parents in a support group that this could actually happen in real life.

One comment in that group was – “make a decision, no take backs.”

To which members of my adoption group said –  “no take backs.” We are not seven years old trading Pokemon cards on the playground, lady. Good grief.

Another said – This isn’t trading Twinkies at the lunch table.

More realistically though, This is a HUGE decision. 100% she should have however long she needs to decide. There is no reason to rush into a permanent decision, when the problem that is motivating that may prove temporary. Many a birth mom has realized this too late and carried a lifelong sorrow because she acted too hastily.

The hopeful adoptive parent perspective is generally along these lines – She’s selfless and brave to give up her baby but deciding to parent makes her cruel and a mooch.

Another honest perspective is this – If its a mothers choice to go the adoption route, then she should have the right to change her mind and she deserves enough time for her hormones to regulate, before any choice is made permanent.

As to reforms – Moms should have at least the first 4-6 weeks with the child. This allows them to judge how they truly feel. There are so many feelings plus hormones while pregnant and immediately after giving birth. These can cloud a woman’s decision making. Let new moms have the chance to experience motherhood first. Then, if after a settling period, a mom is still feeling it’s too much for her to handle, at least she’s had some actual experience with her baby. A bonus is that the baby is able to spend time with the mom the infant grew within.

One mom who surrendered her baby notes – Pre birth matching is mentally manipulative and really I think its abusive. In hindsight, she says, this situation encouraged me to “follow through” on giving my baby up. I now believe that if they had not been allowed in at the hospital, I wouldn’t have signed the papers. If I had been able to take my baby home, she would be here with me today.

And I do agree with this perspective – Yes, they should be able to change their mind and shouldn’t be forced to pay or give back anything that the potential adopters paid out!

Many mothers don’t comprehend how strongly they will love for their newborn child, until the minute the baby is laid in their arms. Honestly, only then, can a mother even begin to make a sound decision regarding what she wants for her child.

Every expectant mom should be offered unbiased therapy to assist her in making the choice that’s right for her, not anyone else’s decision on her behalf. She doesn’t owe anyone her baby.

And from an adoptee’s perspective – Since adoption is supposed to be about the child, ALL newborns would respond YES (let my mom change her mind !!). Adoption isn’t the first choice of most adoptive parents and is certainly would never be a newborn’s choice. All newborn’s (including those adopted) are predisposed as humans and by nature to crave their own mother’s voice, smell, breast and heartbeat – not a stranger’s.

As adoptees we had no choice but to learn to live without our true mother, and learn and be conditioned to call another woman “mother”, but at birth SHE (the mother we grew within) is our universe. A woman choosing to parent her own child isn’t a failed adoption but a failed assumption on the adoptive parents part. It is a chance adoptive parents take, when they try to groom a (likely desperate) expectant mother with the intention of procuring her newborn for themselves.