Delicate Situation

Today’s – an adoptive mother of an 8 yr old boy who really wants to know his father and has fantasies about meeting him. She is in contact with his extended family and is now struggling with how to address his desire because it is said that the father is not a good person without really explaining why. So she has tried to explain to her son what they have been told by his siblings. She notes that he is an extremely generous and kind boy who has a hard time understanding that someone could be bad or dangerous and so still very badly wants to meet him.

It occurs to me that this might be somewhat a male thing. Both of my parents were adoptees. When I started out on my own roots discovery journey in 2017, I only really wanted to fulfill my mother’s desire to know about her own mother which she was thwarted from learning by closed and sealed adoption records. I had amazingly good success after my mom died, mostly because the state of Tennessee gave me her adoption file. Then, my nephews really wanted to know who my dad’s father was and encouraged me to pursue that. I am very glad that I did. Honestly, I have received many more blessings from pursuing that side of my genetic relatives than I had on my mom’s side, with the exception of one wonderful cousin, my mom’s step-sister’s daughter.

Now, back to today’s issue because delicate situations require sensitive or careful handling. The first advice I read, I believe was important. A mother of loss said – I’d rephrase your description of his father. Telling him his father “is not a good person” with no background about why he is not “good” is confusing to an 8 year old. I’d say something like, “at this time your father may not be in a healthy place for contact. I will work on getting more information for you and we can revisit your desire to know him.” His father may be horrible/unsafe/etc; but until you get accurate info, I would not label him as “no good”. Even a “no good” might be safe enough to have supervised contact in time. There are just too many unknowns…..

An adoptive parent agreed – I was going to say the same thing, editing that language may be helpful because “not a good person” is so vague and hard for a kid to understand what the problem is. At the age of 8, I think the kiddo needs as much age appropriate info as you can share. If you don’t know the reason the adult children have safety concerns, I think it’s okay to say that. “My job is to take care of you and keep you safe, and your siblings who have known your dad for a long time believe it may not be safe to spend time together right now.” Allowing him to write letters, draw pics etc for dad may be a good way to help the boy feel some connection until you have more information to make a decision about further contact.

Someone else shared their perspective – this would just make me resent everyone involved because my siblings got to know him at all and I didn’t and I desperately want to.

And then, there was this important point – I think that you’re forgetting that no matter what the father has done or not done, he’s still his father. As his father, he’s part of him. Saying that the father is bad means that HE is bad. Trust me, that’s the impact, regardless of your intent. Also, you are going off of information without knowing just what he’s done. That’s not fair to anyone. If he’s been a jerk to the NM and her family, that’s not a good enough reason. Unless you know for sure what’s going on, I say let him meet. Tell the genetic mother and extended family that you NEED to know what’s going on. Is he a gang member? A child molester? In prison? Living on the street? What exactly is being “bad”?? This doesn’t pass the smell test. It is unreasonable for them to say don’t contact without specifics. Your son deserves to know his father and father’s family. I say this as one who wasn’t crazy about my child’s father, but still knew that my child had rights.

Even so, one adoptee noted – this may be an unpopular opinion but if they say he isn’t safe and don’t let him have access to their children, I wouldn’t either.

Then, there was this personal experience – my father was allowed to adopt a child, and I remember being shocked (at 7) that we passed the home inspection because of how he was. (They didn’t talk to me. Classism is wild.) I say this to establish that I grew up with an unsafe parent. Your son needs more information than “he’s bad” (which will make him feel bad about himself too). Explain that his father made choices that make him not safe to be around, that his brother and sister don’t want their kids around him, for their safety, and that his brother and sister look sad and scared when they talk about him. Let him know It’s your responsibility to keep him safe. He will understand if you are careful and sufficiently specific.

One adoptee asked – why did it take so long for his genetic mother to tell you who he is ? She replied – His mom later told us she was scared that if we contacted him he would come for her. She also does not like to talk about him. She never has said anything negative, but it is things like this. Or she said she ran away from him when she got pregnant. When I ask for more details she stops talking and I have respected that so far. We know who he is, confirmed with a DNA test with my son’s brother, but we have no contact info for him and have respected that his brother and sister are “no contact” with him and that this was a condition for our having a relationship with them.

And this was an important perspective – from experience – I grew up very heavily categorizing people into “good” and “bad” labels. But it’s more nuanced than that. Even if his father is the vilest person you’ll ever know of… that’s not ALL there is to him. My mother wasn’t equipped to parent me. She made selfish, immature choices that resulted in us being separated by Child Protective Services. Those bad things are true. She’s admitted to them herself, in recent years. But she did other things before and after that which allow me to connect with her as a HUMAN. And that has been a crucial part of my process. When we hear that they’re bad, and that’s all we hear, it dehumanizes them… and by association, us.

From an adoptee – Without knowing what the father has done, I’d be hesitant to classify him as anything other than “unavailable” at this time. I am in a situation where several family members are no (or very little) contact with another. They have history and a relationship with that person that I was not a part of. I don’t know any details of their past or why they’ve gone no/little contact. I respect their boundaries.

She adds – But, I have a right to navigate my own relationship with this person. My experience with this individual is different than those of the others. It’s been nothing but lovely. I’m cautious in my interactions, knowing that several people stay away, but that is their history, not mine. I don’t know the version of the person they know, and it’s been so many years and I don’t know that they’re aware of the version I know. I believe people are capable of growth or change. And that doesn’t change the experience of the other people. Mine is just different. I haven’t seen any red flags yet, or yellow flags for that matter. I’m watching for them. If any of the individuals shared their history that included red flag moments, I’d likely cut ties. But for now, I continue building my relationship. Since you don’t have any details, I would do your own investigation about the father and draw your own conclusions before bringing the child into it. I would respect the personal boundaries of the others, but their boundaries are theirs not yours. I’d be cautious and move incredibly slowly because of their warnings, but you do have a right to make contact if you wish for the sake of the child in your care. And stay incredibly vigilant for the yellow and red flags that might be present.

Thinking Of The First Family

There are many factors in life that can tear a family apart. In today’s story, a woman worries about how many pictures/videos/information would be inappropriate ? She worries that she is communicating too often and hurting his biological family because they see what an amazing child he is, and maybe they feel sad that his mom can’t raise him. Back story is – she is currently in the process of adopting her almost 15 year old foster son, who has been with me for over 2 years. He wants her to adopt him. His family has become their family (except his mom, whom he has decided to temporarily cut ties with, due to her toxic behaviors towards him).

An adoptee notes – their feelings are not your responsibility. Give them space to come to you with issues, before you assume they have one. I really think you’re overthinking this. She replies – “That’s what I’ve been doing. I just wanted to make sure that it was correct.”

A mom who is not able to raise her child writes – for me there could have never been a “too much” situation. If they are content with what you are doing, keep doing it. Thank you for thinking of his first family as well. blogger’s note – I ended up not being able to raise my first born child. I never got “too much” and would have always welcomed “more”.

Someone suggested using the LINK>Back Then app. The person added – You can add as many people as you want to and give them permissions to only view/like/comment or to upload photos as well. And it’s basically just social media for your kids’ photos. We use it as a place to (over) share photos of our two kids because I don’t post them a lot on Facebook. You can upload pics and videos, people can view, like, and comment. It’s a place where you can put up as much as you want and they can choose whether to access it or not.

Another adoptee notes – There’s no such thing as communicating too much. If they don’t reply or they’re rubbed the wrong way, that’s their issue. It’s inevitable that they’ll have feelings about seeing his photos. People don’t recover from a family being split apart. It affects everyone, forever. Just keep communication open.

Another mom like the one above notes – I would have loved to regularly see photos of my kids when they were growing up, and maybe if I’d been allowed ongoing contact at a safe level (which our main problem was poverty, I don’t know what the adoptive parents told the kids was the reason they couldn’t have contact, like were they worried that the kids would catch the poverty ?). If they had, maybe I wouldn’t still be so angry at everyone involved.

Someone in a similar situation with a teenager shared – We’re fostering a 17 year old that also wants to be adopted, she’s been with us a year and knows if she does or doesn’t, it won’t change anything with us. And her wishes were only to stay in touch with her 2 brothers. They stay with us every other weekend.

Not Giving Her Up

Isabel and Lucy

In The Light Between Oceans, eventually truth and one’s conscience force a fierce mother to give up the child which isn’t actually hers. This sometimes happens in adoptions when the biological genetic parent decides they are not going to surrender their child to others to raise.

The story is a study in consequences. Every action begets a reaction. Every decision has its consequences, some unintended, but which have the capacity to cause the loss of happiness for the people involved. A lighthouse keeper and his wife discover a baby in a small boat alongside the child’s dead father. Isabel, his wife, has suffered through two miscarriages. The baby is like a gift from the sea and what the woman needs to heal the grief of her infertility. So, of course when the baby girl washes ashore in a small boat, Isabel adopts the infant as her own. Though truth be told, even though he loves his wife dearly, the husband has misgivings from the beginning, which will eventually force him to do the right thing by the woman who’s child the little girl actually is.

The movie is all about love, and the various forms of love; that between a husband and his wife, and that of a mother for her child (whether or not biological). The lighthouse keeper knows that he is required by law to report the discovery of the dead man and baby. However, his wife fears that the baby will be sent to an orphanage. She persuades her husband to pass the baby off as their own daughter, and though reluctant, he agrees out of the love he has for her and concern for the pain she suffers. He buries the baby’s father on the island and the couple names the infant girl Lucy.

When the man sees a woman kneeling in front of a grave bearing the names of her husband and infant daughter who were lost at sea, the date on the memorial stone matches the date that they found the baby girl. This causes him to realize that Lucy is likely the woman’s biological daughter. He writes anonymously to that woman to tell her that her husband is dead but that her infant daughter is safe, loved and well cared for.

This woman’s husband was German and she had married him shortly after the end of World War I. That marriage had therefore been controversial in their local community. When her husband is accosted in the street by a drunken crowd, he then jumped into a rowboat and fled with his baby daughter. In the boat with the baby was a unique silver rattle. Tormented by his conscience, he sends the child’s mother the rattle anonymously as proof that the baby actually is her lost child. Ultimately, this action leads to the lighthouse keeper’s arrest. His wife, Isabel, is angry that he is willing to give Lucy away after she has lived with them for several years.

After the little girl is returned to her biological family, she runs away in an effort to return to the lighthouse and her “real parents.” She is found and taken back to her biological mother. The child’s original name was Grace and after she has begun to finally bond with her biological mother and maternal grandfather, they agree to call her “Lucy Grace” as a compromise with the little girl’s demands. At the end, though Isabel has passed away, the now 27-year-old woman finds the lighthouse keeper who had maintained the “no contact” ruling handed down for 18 years. Before her death, Isabel had written a letter to Lucy, in case she ever sought contact with the couple on her own. After reading it, the emotional young woman thanks the only father she knew for the first four years of her life, for rescuing and raising her on the lighthouse island.

The story reminded me of my cousin. She spent several years being raised by her (our) grandmother. It was traumatic for her to be wrest away by her biological mother’s return. She resented her aunt who was able to remain with the grandmother, when she was forced to leave someone she dearly loved.

Most of the time, when biological parents demand the return of a baby they had previously given up for adoption, the child has not had several years to bond with someone else. When that does happen, it can be very difficult for a child to give up the “fantasy” of the only parents that child has ever known. This happens rarely but on occasion, especially in the case of a father who did not originally consent to the adoption but is later given custody by a court of law.

The movie trailer –

Missing Dad

Father’s Day is Sunday, June 18th. Today, I read this in my all things adoption group from an adoptee – Fathers day this Sunday. I’ve been crying on and off all day, heartbroken that another father’s day will be spent without my dad. My adoptive dad is a good dad. It took work and therapy but both of my adoptive parents are trying to prove they have changed.

But I just want a hug from my dad. All I’ve ever wished for is a hug from him. He knows I want contact, says his schizophrenia and addiction are bad at the moment. He wasn’t an addict until I was 10/11. Because he knew he’d never see me again.

My mum put me in foster/adoptive care behind his back, when I was 6 months old. She abused me and he tried to take me out of the house. So she called the police, lied about it and they told him he had no rights to take me. I know my mum should never have had custody, but I didn’t need to be adopted. My dad was such a capable man and I hate the fact I’ve missed out on 23+ years with him.

The year was 2000 and she later adds more detail – My mum also lied about him sexually abusing me, after he reported her beating me and was saying he’d take me out of the house. The police said, if he left with me, they’d charge him with kidnapping. His whole foster family were wanting temporary custody, while he got his meds right and my mum chose to lie and put me in care with others instead.

She later explains – he wants contact but doesn’t want to hurt me, not realizing this is rejection and hurts me more. I want to respect his wishes of no contact but at the same time, I feel I’ve always put others before me and I deserve answers.

Someone replied – Just keep in mind that his disease is not your fault and it’s not a representation of his feelings for you.

Another adoptee admitted – my biological mom was schizophrenic and the removal of her kids spiraled her into addiction as well. I never met her. Only spoke to her on the phone.

blogger’s note – schizophrenia matters to me personally. It appears that it was latent but that an accident triggered it into an active state with my youngest sister. It really is a complicated situational relationship, when one has a family member caught up in the effects.

No Contact

It is not uncommon now to see adoptees who have gone “no contact” – either with adoptive families or with their original genetic families. I will admit that I had to go no contact with my youngest sister, so I get why sometimes this is the best decision.

For example, this adoptee –

I’m no contact with all of my adopted family and most of my biological family. They’ve hurt me repeatedly by gaslighting, emotional manipulation and abuse, silence, lies (not to mention the outright physical abuse I experienced in childhood)….. and I’m done. Even my biological brother, whom I thought I’d always be close to, has joined in.

When I say I’m cutting toxicity out of my life, I MEAN IT. Friends, family, coworkers, jobs, personal behaviors and mentality – Wherever toxicity might be found, I won’t be. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to please others and fit in because then MAYBE they won’t leave me.

I no longer care.

I’m tired of going out of my way for “family” just to have them talk about me behind my back. I’ve dropped everything to help people who wouldn’t even lend me a smile.

No. More.

Goodbye and good riddance to them all. Best of luck on their future endeavors, but count me out. And though I know it’s the right choice, I’m really needing some emotional support and validation.

And the emotional support comes . . . from an adoptive parent. Removing toxic people from your life may be hard but so worthwhile. Rebuild your relationships with a family of choice. Good friends, partners, can go a long way in supporting you. Congratulations on the beginning of a life away from guilt and toxicity.

And this from another adoptee – Hugs! I went no contact with my adoptive parents years ago, no regrets. I had one brief unavoidable blip, which reinforced what a good choice I made. My younger sister, who was only 1 when she was adopted/went into foster care (I was 10 at the time) has minimal engagement with them. They will ask about me but she puts up the boundary. She’s not comfortable giving them updates about my life, since I have no relationship with them.

Irony is – she used to gatekeep me from my sisters, after I was forced from their home at 17 (just one of many previous times) and my biological family before that, so I find it validating that my families don’t get what they want now (at one time, my adoptive mother liked to brag about how I’m doing well because of their sacrifice and the hard decisions they made to help me help myself). When she told me about the reason why my adoptive mother thinks she was cut off (ie not invited to another family event with their biological son) I laughed because it just goes to show how clueless she really is and how little she actually DID listen to me, before I cut her off.

I have little to no contact with my biological family, least of all with their own monkeys and circus. The contact I do have is mostly initiated on my part (zero effort on the sibling’s part to connect with me, minimum from my mother and other relatives) and I’ve gone full no contact at times with my dad, depending on where he’s at in his addiction cycle.

I have no regrets. Only a slight regret for not putting up boundaries earlier because I felt I had to have some contact with some family because you know, I have no family otherwise (my in-laws are not super fans of me either, they are judgmental and don’t understand CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) or why my husband is with someone as ‘broken’ as I am (they see us minimally – maybe a handful of times per year now.) I now no longer give a f**** about what I do or do not say, that may or may not upset them. It used to tear me up and I’d think OMG was I too loud ?, too this or too that, and feel like a big POS and not worthy of their love, until I realized their lack of acceptance had to do with THEIR stuff and NOT mine. Mine was just easier to focus on because I was so transparent about everything, which is not how they roll.

None of This is OK

And yet, there seems to be no other choice in today’s story. Everything this person tried to do – failed. The kids are now 3 and 1. Mom was incarcerated, but has since been released. She contacted this woman 7 months ago and asked her to adopt the children. She tried to convince her that her kids need her. She went into social worker mode and asked her what her barriers to parenting were. She talked to the mom about substance abuse treatment options, housing support, financial support, etc. She told her that the best place for her kids is with her. She repeatedly reassured the mom that she on her team and wanted to help her. She told the mom that she has rights and that this case is not over yet – don’t give up. She tried everything she could think of to convince the mom to come back (she’s left the state). The mom called her from an unlisted number and wasn’t in an emotional space to hear all she tried to say. She was asked to call me back in a week (this woman was hoping maybe they could then continue the conversation) but the mom has gone no contact.

The permanency hearing is now coming up in 2 weeks. Because mom hasn’t been in contact with the Div of Child and Family Services (DCFS) now for 8 months, the Guardian Ad Litem is asking for reunification efforts to cease and the goal changed to adoption. This woman has woken up to the problems in the system and previously said she was unwilling to adopt them because she didn’t want to add further trauma to their lives – she sincerely wanted them to go back with their mom or be placed with relatives but a search for family on the mom’s side has been unsuccessful.

Now she is conflicted because she loves these kids but to be honest her feeling is that adopting just isn’t ethical at this point. She even decided to close her foster care license because she no longer wants to be involved in a system that tears families apart. She told herself that she’d just see this last case through. The problem is that these kids are going to be placed for adoption, no matter what she does. If she says no, then DCFS is going to start calling other foster homes in the region and find someone who will adopt them. Another home would be strangers, as she once was. But they also may not be the same ethnicity (the kids are Mexican and so is she). The 3 year old is established in her preschool and she has formed a relationship with her therapist. More to the point – this woman does love these children, cares deeply about their needs and tries her best to be trauma-informed and listen to adoptive voices. Realistically, she knows that she can never take their mom’s place. She knows that they will likely always have a gaping wound.

She knows that simply loving them is never going to be enough. That going will be hard, lifelong work on her part. She is honestly conflicted because she doesn’t want to be a further part of a system that is actively hurting them. But not adopting them feels like a cop-out. And the very idea of passing them onto a stranger feels devastating. None of this is okay. However, she got herself into this and she is going to do whatever she has to do on their behalf.

You Don’t Owe Anyone

An adoptee writes – I went no contact with my adoptive mother about 18 years ago. She was always abusive and treated her biological daughter much better than me. My cousin contacted me the other day and said I should reach out and make amends because she is showing signs of dementia and on death’s doorstep. Am I in the wrong for not trying? I mean she did raise me when no one else wanted me after all. I’m so torn and need advice.

One foster parent replied with her own experience – Only you know what your heart needs and no one else can make that choice for you. Completely different situation, but my grandmother died of Alzheimer’s and I was guilted into coming to say goodbye the week before she died. I knew I didn’t want those memories and now my last memories of her are of her being cruel and racist to the nurses in her care unit. She didn’t know me and she didn’t care that we were there. I wish I’d listened to my heart and not gone. You don’t owe this trip to anyone. Only go if you think it will give you closure. If it’s for anyone else, it’s not worth your time or energy. Hugs. This is a hard thing to go through even in the best of circumstances. Sending you love and peace.

One woman who identifies herself as the aunt of adoptees said clearly – Children do not “owe” their parents or caregivers anything. Ever. Especially in cases of abuse. The people who raised you certainly weren’t “care givers”. Only consider what is best for you in the short and long term. I’m sorry you’re having to face this. Be kind to yourself.

An adoptee writes – I had no natural parents either, was abused by my adoptive parents too. I cared for one for twenty years, am divided now on how smart that was. In hindsight? I’d say spare yourself. Wishing you all health and happiness whichever choice you make.

Another foster parent wrote – toxic is toxic. Unfortunately that means family too. For me personally, it doesn’t matter if it’s birth family, adoptive family, chosen family or forced…. Toxic is toxic and you owe NO ONE a reason for removing that from your life. You do what works for YOU and do not allow others to manipulate you into feeling things that aren’t yours to carry.

A hospice nurse was quoted as saying – “no one is owed your forgiveness, your love or your physical presence. Impending death does not change that in the slightest”.

Another adoptee writes – You went no contact for a reason. Honor yourself and your feelings, and only do what you feel is the right thing to do, not what other people thing is the right thing. A diagnosis doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. Being on death’s door doesn’t suddenly absolve someone from the horrible things they’ve done. No one owes anyone an apology for any reason if they don’t want to give one.

Another adoptee offered a good analogy – You don’t have to care and you don’t have to care that you don’t care. Would you make friends with a bee that stung you in the eye every once in a while?! Give it a home? A place in your heart? Dedicate time and energy to it’s well being? It only stings your eye every once in a while…

Another adoptee suggested these self examination questions – Consider why you went no contact and how you’ve been since. Have you been at peace or had serious regrets? Have you ever attempted/thought about attempting a reconciliation because it was something you ideally would want? Do you think it’s something that could reasonably happen? If the answer is yes, then maybe consider it. If this isn’t the case, it’s ok not to pursue this. Decisions have consequences. You aren’t responsible for relieving the consequences of someone else’s hurtful behavior just because their time is running out and it would make them feel better. Don’t let external attempts at manipulation influence you. If you’ll feel guilty for not attempting a reconciliation, that is completely different from attempting a reconciliation to prevent others from trying to make you feel guilty.

And this important point to consider from another adoptee – dementia takes the filters off. There’s a chance she may be even crueler than you remember. She might not be, but it’s not a risk worth taking. If you can’t be in contact with her when she’s coherent, you shouldn’t be guilted into contact when she’s got even less self-control.

This self-assessment had leapt out at me also – I hope you are in therapy and I really encourage you to challenge the concept that “no one else wanted you”. That phrase feels like a knife to the heart, you deserved better and whoever said that to you or instilled that belief was grooming you to accept crappy behavior from people who were supposed to love and protect you.

More than one adoptee admitted to being no contact and estranged from their adoptive parents due to reasons of perceived abuse – having feelings such as doubt, guilt, and obligation are common in estrangement situations, and especially in adopted people.

Unequal Treatment

This is really so common for so many adoptees that came out of foster care into families with biological children through adoption. I’m not going to catalog all of it but will hit a few highlights and say only – it is tough enough to come from a difficult environment and feel so completely disregarded. One wonders why these people do it. One theory expressed in the most recent story rings true – My adoptive parents have high status in my smallish town. Both very well known. I now believe we were trophies for them to flash and extra income that paid for fancy car loans.

The biological children were all younger. The woman notes – I remember thinking their two story home was a mansion. They had a tree house and trampoline. Sooo much property. Any poor kids dream. Even though she also notes – The family who fostered/adopted my sister and I were lower middle class. Their family photos never included the adoptees.

As me and my sister aged things got worse and worse. I had felt very loved initially. Me and my bio sister were much more well behaved than their own. We did as we were told. Mostly because, if we didn’t, we’d be disciplined. My biological sister and I would take on the majority of the house work, simply because the others refused to participate and no one enforced that they helped.

When me and my biological sister pushed back on things, we were told life’s not fair or just gaslit into thinking – it’s what we deserved, as we needed more structure due to our past. My older sister and I were placed into the foster care system the last time at ages 7 & 10. Our emergency placement that night was where we stayed for 2 years as foster kids, until ages 9 & 12, when the family adopted us. Her biological mother suffered mental illness with frightening episodes. She was dependent on sketchy men. They moved a lot, due to homelessness or the men the mother was using for survival. They went without food often.

When her biological sister pushed back harder and grew a bit defiant in her teen years, the adoptive parents went so far as putting her back into foster care. That was devastating for this woman as her sister had been her only constant in life. She admits that her sister was treated much more poorly than her and it causes her to feel regret that she did not stand up for her sister more often. Months later, the adoptive parents brought her sister back home, and readopted her because she had suffered abuse in that foster home. She notes that her biological sister eventually moved out at the age of 18 and went no contact with their adoptive parents for awhile.

She notes – Even so, I was grateful. I had been a good kid and caused as little disruption to their lives as possible. I wanted to please everyone so badly. I thought I should be grateful for what they did offer me because I could’ve had it so much worse without them. When I moved out at age 19, the disconnect got worse for me. My adoptive mother doesn’t acknowledge there’s a disconnect at all. Even though, we live close but go months without seeing each other and weeks without contact. Some outsiders notice how my sister and I were treated differently.

And so now, the woman accepts it for what it was and is. She is willing to play nice for family events and holidays. Without them, she wouldn’t have any family. She responds promptly to any of her adoptive mother’s texts, where the adoptive mother pretends to care. Like, she will make empty promises or fake plans, but clearly she never actually intends to follow through. Which leads the woman to fully believe, anything that does happen is just due to concern for her adoptive mother’s public reputation. What if the adoptee went no contact completely ? Sometimes, the adoptive mother actually follows through and does something special for her, like a baby shower for her 1st child. She notes, however, that it was a very public affair. Anytime, it is something private, her adoptive mother is clearly not as nice.