Separating The Two

I received a nice message from an adoptive mother who found this blog. I do try to be realistic about adoption. But for adoption, I simply would not exist. Both of my parents were adoptees. Also, both of my sisters gave up babies for adoption – both of these now grown individuals – a niece and a nephew – have met the family who’s genetic inheritance is part of their own. I am glad for these reunions.

An adoptee I respect wrote – I have recently been reminded of the importance to distinguish adoption from the industry and criminal practices that have confused and conflated the two. To regain clarity, it does start with recognizing this distinction between adoption and the industry.

He continues – The challenge comes when we start dismantling the way modern adoption works. The very definition states “the fact or act of legally taking someone else’s child and raising it as your own.” This definition does not identify orphaned child, falsifying birth records, coercive tactics of separating the child from their origins, baby farming, child harvesting, colonization, cultural eradication, and war crimes, leaving it conveniently vague as “legally taking” which all the above has been identified as adoption.

Domestically, foster care is used as a means to adopt, where states have been incentivized to remove children and terminate parental rights which makes them eligible for adoption. Again, this is due to the industry and practices of recruitment, supply and demand, and sustainability of a waning human market.

The majority of laws and policies are focused on making these practices more streamlined and ethical. Curious why this is an issue when it comes to child protection and child welfare, especially since it has been well documented for generations. Books like The Child Catchers, The Girls Who Went Away, American Baby, Relinquished among others have brought up adoption as an industry in great detail.

The problem that remains is how the US continues to be a stronghold for the industry. Those in leadership positions have used pro-industry propaganda: “adoption is an option” and “best interest of the child because it gives them a better life” – continuing to conflate adoption with the industry and its criminal practices.

I have been saying that we need to call it for what it really is… only then can we begin to offer solutions. The first step to problem solving is identifying the problem. To your point, adoption is not the problem, it’s how adoptions are being conducted. Removing children from living parents and relatives through force, threat of force, abduction, kidnapping, coercion, deception, falsifying documents, transporting and “rehoming” and exploitation for profit are all elements of another term: trafficking. Sadly, the vast majority simply refuse to acknowledge this despite the overwhelming evidence. Even with admitting the truth, people argue “but not all adoptions are trafficking” – but we’re no longer talking about adoptions at this point are we?

I want also to share this from a kinship adoptive parent – I feel like a lot of this comes from our consumer mentality (as a nation). Because we’re such capitalists, we think that money is what makes one home better than another. Instead of supporting mothers who are struggling, we often perpetuate the lie that their child will be better with someone who can afford to give them more. So little of the industry centers around children and what’s best for them. Over and over, studies show that mom/family is best whenever possible, but our foster and adoption system don’t follow science.

The adoptee above responded to this with – children (born and unborn) are the focus of the industry as the products/commodities it’s selling. The propaganda diverts attention from this crime by focusing on the buyers and making it into a human rights issue of reproductive rights.

Why Does It Surprise You ?

From a Transracial Infant Adoptee – When you adopt, you are not disillusioned to the reality of privilege. In a lot of cases, you know the situation surrounding the reason adoption is being chosen, and the circumstances. So when your adult adoptees eventually come back and question everything, why does it surprise you ? Why is there such a need to gaslight them about the truth behind their origins ? Or determine the narrative for them ? You knew coming into all of this where they came from and you should have known the trauma you would be placing on them, if you participated. So why is it such a shock when they decide to see the child trafficking for what it is ? Or the fact that you gained from the tearing apart of a family ? As an adult adoptee, all of the above truly does baffle me. If anything, I would expect adoptive parents to be the most sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals that they could be. Rather than shocked, butt hurt & defensive about a situation they themselves created. Especially in regards to the child fully recognizing what the industry is and the trauma it intentionally inflicts.

One adoptee responded – I think they forget that we grow up ! Oh, and of course, they believe they are different.

The original poster wanted responses from adoptive parents and one answered – In all 3 of my cases, I knew the circumstances as they were told to me. 2 cases ended up being much worse and one was slightly different. My adult adoptees have not come back to question because they were told their story from birth, and retold as often as they wanted to hear it. As adults, the two older ones have been in contact with birth family. They were given all the truths I knew. Yes, we knew that raising adopted children would cause them different emotions, thought, feelings than raising biological children. Not one of my 3 have compared their adoption to child trafficking, so I have not had that shock to deal with. I have admitted since the first day I held my first child all that I have gained. The biological moms were not teenagers and were not without resources. All of the adoptive parents I personally know are sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals. I know that is not true in all cases. I’m so very sorry that so many adoptees have had such traumatic experiences. And I’m thankful that there are groups where adoptees can share what they experienced with others to lean on. There are times when adoption is the best solution for a child to have a stable home. If anyone comments, I will gladly respond.

Another adoptee suspects – Some adoptive parents are so blinded by their “need” for a child that they become deluded and believe that the adoptee is truly “as if born to” and should gratefully play along with their own delusion. They don’t want to discuss the adoptee’s start in life and family because it threatens their delusion.

And one who was in foster care from birth and then put into a forced adoption at age 10 during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era in a closed adoption writes – I also think that too many adoptive parents (and hopeful adoptive parents) really do not recognize the crucial part that they play in an adoption – the rewards are theirs – the power dynamics are theirs too (once the adoption is finalized and they get what they wanted, including name changes, erasure of first family and a new birth certificate that proclaims them as the owners). They keep telling themselves that they are doing it all in the ‘best interests of the child’ (or baby). But is it really ? Could they have imagined a different way to help ? To care for and love ? Could they have fought harder for Legal Guardianship instead ? Can they make the promise that they will do everything possible (and really mean that) ASAP to discover the child’s natural family, heritage, family medical information and to keep the child’s own culture and needs truly front and center as a focus, while that is child is being raised outside of their own genetic, biological family ? Unless an adoptive parent is willing to go all in and do that – they will be shocked when the youth (or adult adoptee) scorns or derides their actual intent notes that they are an integral part of the broken system that helps to keep it chugging along.

Some Thoughts On Better Options

An adoptee in my all things adoption group asks – I am always seeing posts on how adoption is wrong, or it should not happen. But what is the better option ? I definitely think with biological parents it is best, but that is not always the option. So what would be the solution to that ? Family ? But what if that is not a good option ? No kid should be in an orphanage or a state group home. I don’t think foster care homes are good either. I had 7 aunts/uncles all put in homes (I was able to find them all and put them back together, connecting wise) but in the homes, not one had a good story. Knowing what we have all been through, what would be the best situation for kids that don’t have any biological family/parents ? As adults that have been through this, how do we try to change this or make it better for the younger ones who are going to be born into this ?

Some responses –

One adoptee answers – by creating a society where adoption is not necessary. By having access to healthcare, education and supporting families by having paid family leave, child care, affordable housing & medical. When these things are met – then let’s see how many children need to be adopted.

I will leave the accusations in the comment below, which turned out to be unfair, yet the points made were valid (the woman who asked was a adoptee and did not adopt her child, though she adds, “I have been a guardian to kids that have needed it, some through the courts, some just stayed with us when their situation needed a place.”) – Clearly YOUR kid has a natural mom, so they HAD birth parents and family. Why aren’t they with you ? Was it financial ? Then, the answer would be more financial support, perhaps even a Universal Basic Income (blogger’s note – I am in favor of that one), free daycare, etc. If the parents were killed or in jail or otherwise … there are (*)usually – Do not “not all” me – (*) extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins … they can be a guardian for the child.

From a kinship placement/guardian – If adopted, no changing the birth certificates. Instead of changing birth certificates issue a document of adoption to show who can make legal decisions for the child. Change names only when absolutely necessary (I can’t think of an instance where it would be necessary, but there may be some reasonable situation). That’s a start.

From another adoptee – If you are ever going to adopt (I don’t see why adoption is so necessary when we can do guardianship and it’s perfectly normal) YOU don’t get the luxury of saying that baby is part of your family, period. He or she HAS A WHOLE OTHER family and they can’t be erased and never will. The child can still be in your family and you can love them and treat them like your own! but they HAVE a family and always will. I feel like anybody who is even considering adoption should have their doors open for that baby’s family and/or culture. That’s just how it is. That’s how it’s supposed to be. They need to know where they come from.

She goes on to add – After having my son, I realized there are way more mothers than I had thought who all miss their babies. I realized that adoption was not for the natural mother’s benefit. Look at it like this, people say the baby won’t remember but when you think about it – actually think about it – of course they do, on some level. For example, blind people rely completely on their smell, scents, textures and noises. All people actually do. People with seeing eyes rely heavily on sight. When a baby is inside their mother, they recognize everything ! Her voice. The way her voice vibrates, her sound, her touch, her smell, all of that. And when you take a newborn baby who was just born away from all of that, it causes a trauma that can never be fixed. They may not remember the pictures in their head but their muscle memory will always have that piece that is missing. People try to glorify adoption because they haven’t been taught what it actually is or what it does to people. Also nobody wants to accept this hard truth.

The adoptee who started this said – I completely agree. My mom died when I was 3 days old. My dad died when I was 9 months old. My dad used to wear Old Spice. Well, my first and second adoptive fathers wore it when I meet them. Smell cannot be erased. (blogger’s note – that aftershave must have been very common, my dad used it too – very distinctive smell).

Not Ever Possible

From an infertile foster parent turned guardian –

Do not kid yourselves that you’ll be enough. You won’t. You’ll never fill that hole that the parents can fill. You’ll never be able to dampen the thoughts they have in the quiet of the night about being with their real parents. Your situation isn’t different and your love isn’t sufficient.

Tonight me and the five year old, whom we’ve had since she was 6 months old and I adore endlessly, had one of our usual deep conversations about what’s going on in her sweet mind.

She told me how she thinks about her mom and dad every single night, when everything gets quiet and still, wishing they could go on walks to catch butterflies and go to the pool.

How she doesn’t like to talk about them too much cause it makes her really sad, her heart race and her belly sick.

How she wishes her Dad wasn’t in jail and that her Mom didn’t die, so she could go and stay at their house.

That she wishes she could cut herself in half – so half could be here with us and half be with her family.

She gets upset at herself for “telling me lies” (she tells me fantasy stories about things she and her mom did, when she was still with her) but she tells me them because she wishes they were true… we agreed that she should keep telling me these stories and I’ll help her by saying “do you wish that’s what happened?” Rather than just going along with it.

She wishes she could ask her Dad questions about her Mom so she could know her better.

She wanted to know why her mom used drugs.

I pulled out my (pathetic) list of things I know about her.. we listened to her favorite song and danced like she would have danced.

We spoke about her first jobs and favorite “boost” drink and looked at her favorite colors. We looked at photos and printed off more for her photo album, the one that she keeps under her pillow and looks at every night before bed.

None of this comes even close to what she needs nor will it repair the damage done to her heart and soul.

Don’t pretend you’re cool with this heart ache. Don’t pretend you’re cut out for this.

Don’t for a second think you’ll heal this.

Don’t pretend this is okay.

Don’t pretend that this will heal your infertility grief.

Don’t pretend that these children didn’t deserve the absolute freaking world and instead got dealt you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that they are better off with you.

Don’t believe the lie that DNA doesn’t matter.

Don’t kid yourself that your friend’s cousin’s sister’s best friend who is adopted is “happy and thankful”

Don’t ever think you’ll be enough.

Unpacking The Trauma

It feels like a kind of critical mass when I go looking for an image to fit a theme for my blog here and many of them are identified as coming from this blog. Therefore, it was a bit difficult to find something else but I did find the one for today at a site I was not previously familiar with called – Forbidden Family. The site’s author is Doris Michol Sippel who was adopted as Joan Mary Wheeler and writes as LEGITIMATEBASTARD. She is also an American civil rights activist fighting for the freedom of 7 to 10 million domestic-and-foreign-born adopted and donor-conceived people. Doris promotes family preservation, kinship care, and custodial guardianship as better alternatives to adoption. blogger’s note – I agree with Doris’ preferred alternatives.

In my all things adoption group I read this morning, about that group – We understand that “NOT ALL” people should be with their biological family. We understand that there are times where adoption has to happen. However, what a lot of people fail to understand is the WHOLE point of that group is about UNPACKING the TRAUMA of adoption. It’s NOT about the unicorn, rainbow & butterflies aspect of adoption. There are TONS of groups where anyone can brag about how amazing your adoption is and why you love it, but that’s not what the group I belong to is for.

Sometimes the lines get blurred.

In that group, we don’t need post after post telling us why adoption is needed or why it can be a good thing. We aren’t ignorant. We understand there are bad people in the world who don’t need children nor want them. This doesn’t need to be said, because it’s known, it’s common sense. That’s not what we are in the group to discuss. When a commenter switches the narrative to the one they want it to be, it takes away from the focus that is the group’s purpose.

One adoptee notes – *Sometimes* adoption genuinely is the best option. And it will STILL come with trauma, because trauma is inherent to adoption EVEN if, or BECAUSE, it is necessary. I’ve never understood why adoptive parents get so defensive, when this is brought up. It’s not even a personal attack or criticism. You could be the best adoptive parent in the world. Your child’s adoption could have been 100% necessary. You can have a strong bond and a great life together. And trauma can and will live alongside that.

blogger’s note – I am the first to admit that I would absolutely not even exist but for the adoption of both of my parents. It wasn’t until I learned the truth of their early life stories and then, found the group I lean so heavily on to write a blog every day, that I understood that I too was “in the fog” of believing that adoption was the most normal thing in the world. It is NOT. This has been quite to paradox for me to unpack late in life.

Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

ADOPTIVE PARENT FRAGILITY SELF-TEST

Thanks to LINK>The Adoptee Diary.

Ask yourself the following:

1. Do I feel defensive when an adoptee or (birth/first) mother says “adoptive parents tend to…?”

2. Do I feel angry when people tell me I benefit from Adoptive Parent privilege — that the adoption industry works in my favor, or that my socioeconomic class and/or race enabled me to adopt?

3. When an adoptee or mother talks about adoption, do I feel defensive because they’re describing things that I do or think?

4. Do I feel angry or annoyed by the above questions?

5. Do I have a history of embracing Hopeful and/or Adoptive Parent behavior that I now feel ashamed of, so I need to show people that I’m no longer “like that”?

6. Does saying “not all adoptive parents” or similar phrases make me feel better when someone calls Adoptive Parents out for something?

7. Do I expect an apology when I feel like I’ve been unfairly accused of poor Adoptive Parent behavior?

8. Do I feel better when I say, hear, or read, “every (adoption) experience is different?”

9. Do I try to convince adoptees and mothers that they’re wrong about adoption by pointing out people from their position in the triad who agree with me?

10. Do I feel the need to talk about my own hardships (such as infertility, a “failed” adoption, or a difficult childhood) when an adoptee or mother talks about their pain?

11. Do I think the adoption community would benefit if people stopped talking about the hard stuff, were more supportive, learned from “both sides,” or focused more on the positive?

12. Does being told that something I say, think, do, or otherwise value is harmful make me want to shut down, leave, or express my discomfort/displeasure in some way?

13. Do I feel the need to state that I have friends/family who are adoptees when someone points out problematic behavior?

14. Do I feel the need to prove that I’m one of the good ones?

15. Do I feel that my opinions and perspectives about adoption should be given equal weight to that of an adoptee or mother, that I have something unique and important to contribute to the adoption conversation, and/or that it is unfair to be told to listen more than I speak?

16. Do I feel the need to defend myself on any of the above points?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are dealing with Adoptive Parent fragility. Take time to reflect on why you feel the way that you do. Take time to listen to adoptee and mothers’ perspectives. Adoptive Parent fragility is a hindrance to healing because it prevents adoptees/mothers from being able to engage Adoptive Parents in honest conversation without also having to bear the burden of catering to Adoptive Parents’ emotional comfort. At its worst, Adoptive Parent fragility can cause an emotionally unhealthy situation for adoptees/mothers because of the power dynamics and the weight of being responsible for Adoptive Parents’ feelings, while not having space to express their own. If we cannot talk honestly about the issues, then we cannot make progress.

With Privilege Comes Judgment

Growing up, I remember being told not to judge, to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before judging them. I need to understand the other person’s experiences, challenges, thought processes, etc before judging their own personal choices or lived stories. It is true that judgments keep us safe, help us make friends, accomplish our goals, and all sorts of wonderful, important stuff.

The idea of privilege has become really controversial in some circles, even offensive. Usually the people who are offended by the idea of privilege are the people who have it. And when someone who has had some experience – maybe they have experienced being judged, as being inferior, because they were living in poverty, or they had a bad experience in foster care or in their childhood while being raised by adoptive parents – we should do our best to listen to their stories with compassion, realizing that because we did not have that experience ourselves, we cannot really know how bad it was for them. We need to simply give them the benefit of the doubt and open our heart to their pain and/or trauma.

So, too often when people are simply trying to share whatever awful experience they have lived through, someone will feel triggered and quickly counter this person’s lived experience with the words “not all” – which is simply meant to shut the person up and not allow them to revel their own experience honestly. Maybe you are a foster parent or an adoptive parent or do social work or work for the government in some kind of child welfare or government assistance office and you are feeling judged by the story you are hearing. You are desperate to point out that you are not one of those kinds of people yourself. And it’s wonderful if you are not. However, you should restrain yourself at such a time, take comfort and be confident in the knowledge that the story you are hearing is not about you but about the person telling it and their experience. Allow them to revel their own truth without dismissing it by inserting why you are such a good person (and in fact, maybe look long and hard at your own heart to determine is what it actually is that is being triggered. Is it your sense of being some kind of savior to some segment of humanity ?).

Privilege is something your life gives you that is good. By being able to see those aspects as a privilege, you should also be able to realize that you have had access to something that some other people didn’t. Often in adoption land, as in real life, those with privilege and those in government service too often treat the underprivileged poorly and that is un-necessary. They have it hard enough without you piling on.

The truth is, adoptive parents hold the dominant view in society. Their perspectives rule when it comes to creating the perceptions that people with no experience with what adoption is like in general, believe it to be. Adult adoptees are too often either silenced or dismissed. Money rules. The financially privileged hold the power in society over the less fortunate – who are too easily overlooked or not seen at all. Adoption is almost always a case of allocating a child. Taking a child out of a poverty stricken family and placing that child into a rich one. Georgia Tann didn’t hide her belief that doing this intended engineering of a child’s life led to better outcomes for that child than leaving them in their original poverty-stricken family. So the truth is, money matters.

Just as it was with Georgia Tann, money continues to be the motivation in our modern times. There are people making a LOT of money by taking money from rich people, in return for giving them the opportunity to experience parenting. An experience that infertility or the tragic death of their biological child may have robbed them of. Money can buy you the opportunity to parent a child. Only people with money can afford a domestic infant adoption. This is the reality. And some determined people without financial good fortune will even set up a Go Fund Me page or some other kind of charity outreach to get the money to adopt a child. But the fact remains – the adoption industry is doing very well at generating a lot of revenue for itself.