Looking For Context

Today’s complicated situation –

12 years ago my brother got married and had a baby very young. About two years into the marriage his wife wanted to separate, so they were co-parenting. She then decided she wanted full custody and made a laundry list of allegations against my brother in order to obtain that, but ultimately was not successful. When that failed, she told him he was not the father— which turned out to be true. At this point my brother had raised this child for 3 years and loved being a father and was absolutely devastated. A series of events led to him making the decision to step aside and sign away his parental rights so that the mother, real father, and baby could be a family. It shattered him and he processed it like a death of a child.

9 years have past since he stepped away. Since then the biological father has completely disappeared and she has been remarried 4 separate times. She has been placed in an involuntary psych hold on 2 separate occasions and has some serious mental health struggles.

Fast forward to this month. Everyone in my family, including myself and my husband, have received letters from Texas Child Protective Services (where the mother lives— all of us are in New York) looking for family of this child and saying there is an open case. We responded saying that we know of the child in question and are awaiting more information.

My questions are: Does this letter mean the child is in CPS (Child Protective Services) custody/the system ? What happens here, since we are not actually blood related to this child ? Does this mean the mother has been deemed unfit in some way ? Or that other family has been unresponsive to this search for connections to this child ?

The grandparents on the mother’s side are incredibly abusive, and her sibling is in jail for shooting a gun at someone in a park. It seems the biological father’s family wants no part of this child’s life. I have no idea what any of us in my family would do from here— my brother is married and now has a 4 month old— and no one in my family is in a great place to take in a child, nor am I sure that would be the right thing to do ? But we are all very concerned— we loved this child deeply and were heartbroken when all of this took place. I know at this point she is a traumatized pre-teen who has probably been through hell and back. I guess I’m just wondering what the right thing to do in this situation is, and looking for context for what this CPS letter means in terms of the child’s welfare.

One knowledge response was – They are clearly looking for Fictive Kin. Please try to discover more and if / how your family (especially your brother) can get involved for the youth’s sake.

Similarly – They are looking for fictive kin. This can be anyone who has had any connection with the child (neighbors, parent’s co-workers, religious community, teachers, etc.). It’s heartening to know that CPS has actually contacted you all. The best way to get a better picture of what’s going on to with the child is to respond to the CPS letter. You’ll most likely be placed in contact with a social worker who’s been working on the case. I have a list of questions you can ask (see below). Hoping for the best for the child, her natural mother, and your brother.

Here is a list of questions for a situation such as this –

Reason for Placement:

Can you tell me a bit about what led to the child being placed in foster care ? Just trying to understand their backstory a bit.

How’s the child handling the transition into foster care ? Any particular challenges they’re facing ?

Legal Proceedings/Termination of Parental Rights:

Has there been any progress or updates regarding legal proceedings or the possibility of terminating parental rights ?

How’s the child navigating through any legal stuff ? Are they aware of what’s happening, and how are they coping with it ?

Child’s Development:

What’s the current living situation like for the child ? How are they adjusting to it ?

Can you tell me a bit about the child’s personality and interests ? Just trying to understand what makes them tick.

How’s the child doing in school ? Are there any particular subjects or activities they excel in ?

Do they have any hobbies or talents that they’re passionate about ? Just curious about what brings them joy.

Family Dynamics/Relationships:

How often does the child get to see or communicate with their biological family ? And how are those interactions going ?

How do they get along with their foster family and peers ? Any budding friendships or challenges they’re facing ?

Support and Services:

What kind of support services are available to the child and their foster family ?

Are there any particular cultural or religious considerations we should keep in mind while caring for the child ?

Future Plans/Goals:

What are the long-term goals or plans for the child’s placement ? Any steps you’re taking to work towards those goals ?

How can we, as their foster family, best support them in their growth and development ?

Health and Well-being:

Are there any health concerns or medical needs we should be aware of ? How are you addressing those ?

How does the child express their feelings or emotions ? And how can we help them develop healthy coping skills ?

Rejection And Grief

Today’s story (not my own) –

I was adopted at birth, and I was told at 18. I am now about to turn 28, and really only just beginning to grapple with the emotions that accompany this information. I attribute that to getting married 3 years ago and finally being in a stable enough environment to begin processing, which college was not.

And to be frank, it’s been absolutely fucking awful. I always have and always will love my adoptive family so very much, and that makes the depth of the lie even harder to comprehend. I feel like I am burdening my husband and my friends with just, my own confusion at this stage. I am caught in a cycle of trying to justify my existence with harder and harder work and it’s not working at all lol. I know nearly everyone feels aimless around this stage in life, but woof. I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like the universe didn’t want me here. And like my entire life has been a lie. Which… it kind of was.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’d like to pose a question. For others who learned about their adoption later in life than childhood, and then began processing even later than that, what helped? Is it like grieving where you just have to let it hurt? Am I doomed to being a mopey bitch forever or will time give me grace with these feelings?

Some responses – Being late discovery adoptee (LDA) has layers to it that other adopted people don’t have to navigate. The lies and losses involved specific to life before and after discovery have massive impacts that can sometimes only be understood by those of us who have lived it. While community with other adopted people is valuable and helpful, I recommend joining specific communities for LDAs and NPEs (Not Parent Expected).

One asks – Are you in reunion at all? It can bring its own challenges but overall I feel like the truth is the only thing that can TRULY fully help us process, even if it hurts more at first. Lean into THE truth and gather as much information as feels right, so that YOU can put it together to come to terms with YOUR truth. For me, that’s the most empowering way to process the trauma.

One adoptee noted – The work you’re doing right now is some of the hardest work some of us ever have to do. Realize and accept that the people who purport/ed to love us, lied to us, or gave us away/sold us. While I can grasp all of it intellectually, I will always struggle with being invisible to them.

Another writes about the impact of the Dobbs decision – Not late discovery, but I didn’t start processing until 2 years ago when I was 40 years old. The Dobbs decision and supply of domestic infants was what triggered it. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything or care before that because while I knew as a child, it was supposed to be a secret from everyone else. There is grief. It does hurt. I don’t have any answers for the pain. I’m still feeling all the feelings two years later. Made contact in December 23 and reunion adds more feelings. It does help that my older half sister wants a relationship and we are working on building on.

From a late discovery adoptee – My experience was quite similar to yours. I discovered that I was adopted when I was 31. Now I’m 57. I think you asked a great question – asking if it’s like grieving. For me, that’s exactly what it was, and it took me a long time to forgive them. They were good parents in a lots of ways. I know they loved me very much (at least my mom) so it was hard to reconcile the fact that people who loved me and who I loved would lie to me about something as fundamental as who I was and where I came from. Like it’s hard to even comprehend. The grief, the loss. What could have been if I’d known and they got me the help I needed. Anyway, a few years after I found out, I decided to try to forgive them. I wanted my kids to have grandparents. And I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing them. Of being an orphan once again. I still go back and forth over it. Most days I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m at peace with it. But sometimes it still pisses me off. I still grieve for what could have been. It takes time. As others have said, being in a group specific to LDAs is a good idea. I think that while we have very much in common with adoptees who have always known, there’s a whole other dimension that only LDAs can understand.

Of course, this can and did go on and on but I think this is enough for today’s blog. If you are on Facebook and are a late discovery adoptee – this is the group mentioned more than once to search on for additional support – LINK>Forum for Late Discovery Adoptees. It is private and I don’t qualify.

This or That

I have a friend who discovered late in life what she had always felt – her “father” wasn’t actually her genetic, biological dad. What is often referred to as NPE (not parent expected). Today, she wrote –

There is a stunning feeling when you need to take personal responsibility to wrongs done to you. It is stunning and confusing. Sometimes causes a wound that is blinding and at times suffocating. Running in circles, like chasing your tail, some things are hard to accept. Accept it. Done, work with it.

Many therapies work to meet injuries and reform and transform them on many levels, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I have found some injuries lead to what I have come to describe as “this or that” mentality. There isn’t a remedy. There is no answer, there is no change, there is no hope. You have a rich milieu and a drive toward contrast. Second that drive lets up, feels like you are being drawn back to the “this” instead of reaching for the “that”.

“That” is the therapy, whatever is moving you away from the “this” which is the wound, the impossibility of circumstances that twist your heart, wounded your life. You have that to work against constantly, with endless, incessant pressure that if used well and correctly you can possibly actually reach the “that”.

You may face people saying you need therapy out of that, yet due to circumstances that became your personality structure. This is what you take responsibility for: the drive, the determination of that personality structure.

There are some things that cannot be undone and you may never stop feeling that. You are not “responsible” for that, but for the drive that it gives you.

This requires a high degree of self-education, character and discipline, to define an act and act upon it. Otherwise, seems the “this” swallows you up. An enormous cost for something you had no hand in deciding or wanting. How the cookie crumbles.

Crumbled a great deal of energy on your plate.

When questioned, she further elaborated – What I have been looking at and trying to formulate thoughts and direction is around these types of wrongs and any scale of wrong that you had no hand in. It comes up on you and your life and personality is defined by it.

You are left “dealing with it”, taking responsibility for something that you cannot change. It has to change you. You go through a great deal, bone cutting, soul cutting, breath restricting pain and change. You can’t “fix” it.

There is a lot of therapies to “fix” us, to heal, but some injuries don’t heal…then what?

I have been looking at a lot of circumstances, studying them, looking into the dynamics of what drive people in all types of ways. It is always some deep wound, a deep “wrong” that drive people one way or another. So I began to look at the drive…THAT is what we are responsible for. Not the wrong, but the drive.

Hard to take your mind off the wrong and the injury – and if you look at that too much, you might miss the opportunity to understand your drive painful and impossible situations might give a person.

I need to add one response to her – We have no say in the matter as to the wrongs committed upon us by others in this life. But we do have a say in the matter if such wrongs destroy us or not.

As a child, I had a horrible act committed upon me as six. A physical scar of which I carry to this day. I could have let the shame I felt, the anger, hate, and rage I felt towards the persons responsible simmer and boil in me for the rest of my life. But it would have destroyed the person I was before the event. They would have succeeded in utterly destroying the rest of my life.

It took me time. But for the sake of my life and sanity. I learned to “Let go” of that shame, anger, hate, and rage. Else, that poison would have gone on inflicting and reliving that act in my mind day after day the rest of my life. And my perpetrators would have succeeded in destroying “me.” So I let it go.

It doesn’t mean I forgive them! That will never happen!

But I can honestly say I’m back to being who I started out in life to be “I’m me” and the physical and emotional scar left over from that attack no longer has any sting, any meaning to me. Other than an old scar.

One of the core teaching Buddha taught about suffering in the world was that. One of the traits of suffering in the world is that it’s natural for humans to not ‘Let Go’ of past injustices. The violent act is over in minutes. But for the rest of our lives, we carry that suffering and pain like a great weight upon our souls. No one forces us to. We do it to ourselves by way of our Ego. And therefore we suffer for the rest of our lives. Not only that, but in time, we inflict that suffering upon others. Ie “Misery loves company.”

Therefore, we should learn to Let Go. And in doing so bring Peace to the Soul.

I never went to therapy for what happened to me. I was very young when it happened and my parents were of the generation that believed in that old motto and hope ‘He’ll grow out of it and forget.’ That never happened. I had to discover that healing on my own when I was older and I did.

I’m glad I never got therapy. For I feel therapists, though good intentioned, perpetuate that suffering by continuing to remind you that your helpless victim that somehow broken.

You only remain that if you refuse to ‘Let Go.’

I’m a Survivor!

Same-Sex Couple Dilemmas

Not who wrote it – just a representative photo.

Today, I read this post – I’m currently a 4th year doctoral candidate and I study family communication specifically on the intersection of family, adoption, and race. So, the intricacies of adoption and fostering are definitely not lost on me. Everyone asks if we’re “considering adoption” and it’s made me realize more and more that I don’t even accept the thought of adopting. I’m also trying to work through the complexity of possibly not being able to birth children and not adopting while still wanting to be a parent.

A queer adoptee answers – I can’t do that to another child. I can’t put another child thru that willingly. So instead, going back to school to be Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and work with those in adoption/first parents/adoptive parents. But I cannot put another child thru that in good conscience.

Another said similarly – I have talked to a lot of same sex couple about adoption and many of them have changed their minds after talking to me.

Yet another adoptee notes – I wish this had been the case for me. I lost a friend who mattered a lot to me because he is gay and feels that his only path to parenthood was adoption. He centered himself so much and even years later, he occasionally makes a post tagging me to poke at my adoptee status and how “wrong” I am. The previous one just above responded – I think I’ve gotten lucky. I’ve been pretty loud and active in my local community with not just family separation stuff but other issues too. I think that has helped with people actually listening to me.

Another who is an infant adoptee and late realized queer says – I have major anger at how society conceives children and parenthood through a heteronormative and parent-focused lens. Adoption and anonymous donor conception and surrogacy are deeply upsetting and triggering to me. I feel like I either have to be highly avoidant of those topics OR be highly selective of how I am in community with queer people. I look forward to a future where we prioritize children and reject social prescriptions, so that everyone (but especially queer people) can build families in ways that honor a child’s right to know their ancestors and ancestry. There are so many ways to have a family and care for a child.

An adoptive parent who has a teen writes – there are a lot of LGBTQ foster kids that are not understood or accepted the way they should be and would find solace in a home like yours, especially kids that are aging out. They face homelessness and trafficking. If you’re willing to consider kids that are old enough to consider their orientation, you could be a great resource to them in a world that is often not friendly or encouraging.

One writes from experience – I’m what’s known as a “half adoptee”/NPE (not parent expected), I was lied to about who my father was and kept away from him and his family, and the trauma from this isn’t comparable to full adoption but still informed my family planning decisions. I want my children to have access to their entire family.

My wife and I asked a good friend of ours to be our known donor, and take on a semi-parent role where he doesn’t really have any responsibility except to be in their lives. It’s been great, his parents are amazing and doting grandparents, our daughters have so much love and know exactly who they are, where they come from, where all their features and personality quirks came from, all with no confusion. They have a mommy and daddy who agreed a new person should exist and made them together, and their mommy who did not help make them, has raised them with us out of pure love and happiness.

Their dad lived with us off and on at first but unfortunately has to live out of state now, which I regret, but I pack up our eldest and send her to him and the grandparents every time she gets a long school break and the little one will do this as well, when she’s old enough for extended (weeks long) stays.

Blogger’s note – that’s probably enough “perspectives” – just some thinking on this topic that has become quite visible in recent years.

A Sad Reality

Though the date has past, it is still worth making a point about this because with inexpensive DNA testing and matching, it is happening more often now. An NPE, not parent expected, also sometimes MPE, misattributed parental experience, are terms applied to people who have learned that they are adopted after entering adulthood. It can also apply to people who learned that they are the product of donor conception, affairs, and/or rape.

One woman notes – Found my biological family. Unwanted by all…. I’m a product of date rape. The dirty secret…

From that comment, I learned today about LINK>RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) a national nonprofit support organization that can give people with these kinds of experience the resources they might need as a child conceived as a result of sexual assault. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.