A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.

When Open Stays Open

Too often I have read about Open Adoptions that don’t stay that way very long. Today a mother of loss (gave a child up for adoption) writes – I’d really like to hear from Adoptees who had or have a very open adoption. In what ways is the open adoption helpful and in what ways does it suck? What can the natural mama do over the years? All I do is obsess over adoption now – it’s always in the back or front of my mind having all this deep regret that what we did isn’t serving her or me. So what can I do, what plan can I formulate, to give my mind even the slightest bit of peace.

Another woman responds – it appears that my experience is very different from most here. My daughter is 20, and I don’t regret placing her. Yes, it was hard early on, but it truly was for the best. Her adoptive parents are truly wonderful people who have always been open to communication, etc. As she’s an adult now, I reach out to her more in a direct manner, but continue to leave the ball in her corner so to speak. I don’t want to pressure her into something. She has had a wonderful life, and I’m thankful for that. I know I wouldn’t have been happy if it was a closed adoption, so open was the best for me. I cherish her adoptive parents for being open and wonderful, and giving her the support she needed and needs. But I’ve done a bit of therapy and self reflection over the years, which has been incredibly helpful in healing who I am.

For more information on improving open adoptions, I also found this – LINK>Three Shifts to Bridge the Gap Between Birth Families and Adoptive Families for the Adoptees We Love by Lori Holden. “Adoption creates a split between a person’s biology and biography, and openness is an essential way to help adoptees heal this split.”

3 Benefits of Openness are described –

Openness strengthens an adoptee’s sense of identity.
Openness encourages an adoptee’s attachment to adoptive parent(s).
Openness can decrease an adoptee’s sense of abandonment.

Too Many People Already

I can’t see my all things adoption group agreeing with this one but sometimes it is one of the arguments. Today, I read (and to be honest, this concern was minor compared to the others) –

I sterilized myself last year because my bloodline is just plain bad. My genes are very bad. I am also not healthy enough to carry safely, and I know what genes I and my fiancé would be putting into our prospective biological child. On the off chance that the baby would be healthy, that would be fantastic. But I can’t guarantee that, especially knowing what I have wrong with me and what is in my bloodline. I feel it would be very selfish of me to give birth to a child who would potentially have even more problems than I have. Plus, I don’t want to add more life into the world when it’s already overrun. I didn’t ask to be born, neither would our biological child. Her question to the group was – Can someone please give me a better idea of what qualifies as ‘good’ adoption and what qualifies as ‘selfish’? I want to make sure that we do it right, with as minimal trauma as possible.

From a mother of loss to adoption (aka birth mother) – Most adoption is basically legal human trafficking. It is likely to have lasting impacts on children – even if they’re separated at birth. In my own opinion, the only “good” adoptions are unavoidable ones where a child is orphaned, abandoned, or removed from an abusive/neglectful household where reunification isn’t an option. Otherwise you’re basically buying a baby and putting your own desires above the actual wellbeing of the child.

An adoptive mother asks – If you aren’t healthy enough to carry a child, are you healthy enough to raise them? Here was her reply – when I say not healthy enough to carry, I mean as in I am obese. We all know what overweight can do to a pregnancy, and being obese is even worse. I also have badly scarred lungs from many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and have high blood pressure. The risk for miscarriage is very high. Luckily because I’m sterile, I don’t have to worry about that.

The follow-on question from an adoptee was – How are you going to keep up with kids ? Her reply was – I’m taking medicine to make my condition bearable and I’m steadily losing weight (15 pounds down!) Plus my fiancé is much more active than I, so he can take over when I cannot continue. I also look at my mom who has been obese her entire life with me. She kept up with me.

One adoptee notes – I had 16 children and am not a pixie … nothing with my weight was an issue. I was 260 with my last. (Same dad/husband for all).

From a Baby Scoop Era adoptee who was pregnant as a teen but who parented asks – are you healthy enough to parent, chase after and be reasonably certain that “you” are healthy enough to keep up with and participate in all the physically challenging aspects of raising a child???? For at least 30 years???? They do not stay cute/cuddly babies forever!?! Consider joining a gym and adopting a puppy or kitten!?

Another adoptee notes – You’ve been here, hearing that adoption is unethical and causes harm, yet you still want there to be “a right way” to do things for yourself. You’ve still got a bit of de-centering to do in this conversation. She replied – I don’t necessarily mean a ‘right’ way, but a less traumatizing way. I would love to have the chance to be a parent in the best way possible, but not by giving birth to my own. I’d like to find the best way to go about adoption minimizing trauma as much as possible, since I know trauma will still be a thing no matter what. The adoptee states – Adoption legally disrupts identity, family, and history. Consider other ways of helping displaced children, such as fostering and supporting reunification, or supporting teens as they age out and start making their own way, temporary or permanent legal guardianship, other legal transfers of custody. Kids shouldn’t be required to give up anything in order to get the help they need.

Another mother of loss to adoption shares – it’s weird to me that you know it causes trauma and you still want to do it. Reminds me of my own situation. My son’s adoptive mother knew there would be trauma but thought that if we did open adoption well enough, it could mitigate that trauma for him. I don’t yet know how he feels about it as an adult but I’m so angry about it now. That she was glad to do the harmful thing – just hoping to make it less harmful.

When the woman complains – “This is tiring” Another adoptee replies – really?! This is tiring for you imagine how tiring it is for people that are adopted telling you over and over again that adoption is trauma, and it is selfish and human trafficking yet you try to justify your actions by doing it because of your health issues. Having a child is not a right it’s a privilege… and it seems to me you don’t have that privilege. You do not have to adopt a child in order to give it external care but participating in the system is participating in human trafficking.

Someone formerly in foster care disagrees with the above – I believe she means tiring because she’s repeating herself in different ways. I can understand where the system is abused and children are being taking advantage of by the system. I have been in there while I was in foster care. However, being in foster care is not the same for everyone. Most kids would love to be reunited with their parents because most don’t understand the harm they were in. Later in life they find out and can appreciate being removed from harmful situations. Also, there are children who hope to be adopted to have a family that they choose and chooses them. I have also been here. I’ve been in multiple foster care homes and was adopted as a teenager. I also recently adopted my nephew and his sister (mom had a baby by an unknown father). I fostered them for over 2 years trying to reunite and both her and my brother chose to sign over their rights. I tried helping her and taking her to her rehab centers and she would leave and say it’s too hard. She was also prostituting and using drugs and coming to supervised visits high and unable to keep her eyes open. Dept of Social Services gave the ultimatum that either I adopt or they will find someone else who will because she had given up trying at all. So I understand all perspectives. Sometimes no matter what anyone does the birth parents aren’t going to get their life together. The kids are already in the system. Adoption can allow a sense of home and normalcy other than being that foster child or not being able to call anyone mom or dad or whatever. (Also, I don’t force anyone to call me anything. I ask them what do they feel comfortable calling me and how they want me to address them). It’s important for them to feel included and know their opinions matter.

What Really Matters

Family Matters

A question today for adoptive parents – do you set aside your own desires to meet the needs of your adopted child ? After adoption is finalized, too often promises made are not kept. Examples – [1] a first mother with an open adoption promise. The adoptive parents moved to another continent (Europe, mom is in U.S.) when child was about four. They promised at least annual visits but regularly find excuses to cancel. [2] an adoptive dad, even though he sees how desperate his son is for his siblings, he simply never prioritizes visits to maternal grandma and sisters. He chooses to believe it isn’t *that* important to him (son) – simply because it isn’t that important to him (dad).

An adoptive parent answers – I can’t speak to this because my daughter has zero birth family connections but in general I’ve done what is necessary to put my daughter’s need for connection outside of me ahead of my own needs. The closest adult to her moved very suddenly across the state and we followed without hesitation because the loss would have ruined her. I fly her to see the people who mean the most to her all the time. These days that often means she’s in my home state but I don’t get to see her and I’m careful to never say anything that could be construed as guilting or pressuring. And I’m sending her for a month this summer to the other side of the country to study under a mentor who is definitely the most influential female to ever be in her life because she’s seeking out that connection. We’ve put all of our financial resources into supporting these needs because I feel like she is owed ways to continue connecting with mirrors and people who aren’t just us. If she had genetic connections, I would break the bank to make that happen. I do not understand how AT VERY LEAST adoptive parents can’t stop and wonder how their selfish need for approval will play out in the long term. There are tons of days I miss my kid so much I can barely function but it isn’t her job to make me feel better or fill my voids. It’s my one and only job to make sure she has the opportunities and resources to become her best and most whole self.

From a foster parent – I never travel to see my own biological family because I am not in contact with them at all. With that being said, if a child in my care (adopted, permanent guardianship etc) wanted to travel to see their biological family… how could I deny that ? True, I’ve never traveled to see my own biological family. It’s not something we think about at all, so I appreciate this post for bringing it up in this context. I now will make a point to consider this perspective and allow any non-biological kids to travel to see their biological family… just because I don’t do it with my own biological family doesn’t mean a non-biological child in my care can’t see their own biological family.

A mother who lost her child to adoption notes – I feel this so much. I felt like I was never part of the adoptive parent’s family, even with an “open” adoption and the adoptive parent’s extended family is almost always seen as more important and has more frequent contact with the adoptee than birth parents/family. This shouldn’t be the case.

Another adoptive parent writes – I always wondered how openness works for out-of-state adoptions, particularly when the child is young and needs to be accompanied on flights (a lot of domestic infant adoptions seem to be out-of-state, which seems odd to me). While my husband and I see our families way less than the kids’ (2x in the last 3 years vs 2-4x a month) that’s not a sacrifice, that’s geography. Except for special occasions a few times a year, I reserve friend time / date ‘night’ for when the kids are in school, so that I am always available when they are not (this is a huge privilege I am afforded by not working outside the home and because my husband has a flexible schedule.)

Yet – how I fall short?

Youngest (age 11, adopted at 8) doesn’t like sleepovers. Sleepovers are a big part of her family culture. I also don’t like sleepovers (for myself.) I could probably get her to sleep over with relatives, if I came too, but in my opinion, that’s weird for a grown-ass adult to invite themselves to a sleepover at someone else’s house. I’ve “compromised” by driving her to visit early in the morning and picking her up right before bed, but the right thing to do would likely be to invite myself along to her sleepover invitations, so that she goes.

Eldest (age16, adopted at 14) spends way less time with family than she did prior to my home. She’s straight up told me it’s because she’s now allowed to have friends and because I taught her about boundaries and that if she were in her prior placement, she would spend way more time with family. While to me boundaries and friends are important for teen development, I still did, indirectly, cause her to withdraw from family and I do feel guilty about that.

An interesting point of view emerges – I have seen my mom go out of her way to keep the family connected but the biological family could care less. I believe the costs to see the kid should be on the biological parents, not the adopted parents and the adopted parents (and family) shouldn’t be inconvenienced for the visit… so I do feel like the biological mom should be able to get to Europe on her own to see the child.

The reply from the one who initially asked the questions was – In most domestic infant adoptions, moms are relinquishing because of lack of resources and support. Most adoptive parents have financial resources (or they fundraised to buy the baby). So, you’re saying that the mom (who already felt so choiceless that she relinquished her son) should find a way to travel to Europe with her daughter as often as she wants to see her son – because….. it’s her own fault she relinquished??? They didn’t live in Europe before adopting. She didn’t know they were going to move there. I don’t think they knew but if they did, they didn’t tell her and moved four years later. They are the ones who committed to openness and visits.

As a mother who relinquished because of threats, coercion and lack of support (and ultimately, a belief that I was not good enough), I’m having a hard time with your perspective. Maybe you can explain to me why you feel the adoptive family “shouldn’t be inconvenienced” for the sake of a child they chose to parent who needs to see their family? Do you think you’re drawing directly from the situation closest to you and this is based on feelings you have about your adopted sibling’s biological family ?

The explanation – the biological family has done no shows or come when they feel like it… especially concerning the kids we have fostered. (I note that we have successfully reunited about 30 kids with their families). I’m no longer stopping my day or the other children’s day for a visit that may never actually take place….the social worker can come get them or the biological parents can meet and join us where we are…this is purely based on years of experience…. And I don’t inform small children about potential visits because often times they are let down and the biological parents are no shows…none of my adopted siblings biological parents willingly gave up rights. The rights were terminated after YEARS. We tried to assist them in every way including allowing the biological mom to live with us – she just didn’t care to get it together…. We fought and advocated hard for their parents to get it together because we did NOT want to adopt them. We believe kids belong with family first.

That satisfied her question – therefore, your perspective regarding my general post to adoptive parents about the kids in their care is based entirely on your very limited personal experience (and a kind of obvious bias against the biological family). Thank you for explaining. I’ll ignore your opinion that my friend ought to be able to find her own way to Europe, if she wants to see her son.

From another adoptive parent – This is a hard one right now because every post in here talks about prioritizing the adoptee’s wants, but it is the natural mother who is always asking for more. We can spend a week with her and then, the adoptees choose not to do a video chat the next week and she will say that they are pushing her away and hate her. I have often wondered, if we stopped constantly offering contact, how often the adoptees would ask for contact. Right now, if we go to the state she lives in for any reason – we see her, we have 3 of our own family members in the same state and we only see one or two of them each time but ALWAYS prioritize seeing the natural mother. But we don’t ASK the adoptees WHEN they want to see the natural mother, we say, “we are going on a trip to her state, you want to see her, right?” And they shrug and say sure. The one area that I have definitely not made any effort is the other natural family members. One time a natural uncle reached out and that time I asked the adoptees and both said, nah. Not a NO, but a nah. I told the natural uncle that the adoptees didn’t want to meet with him on that particular trip. He hasn’t asked since and the adoptees have not asked either.

Another person offers this perspective – it seems, at least to me, that it’s very much obviously the job of adoptive parent to positively facilitate and maintain those first family relationships without being asked, rather than passively wait for child(ren) to ask for it to be facilitated and maintained. In the same way that we don’t generally wait for children to ask to be enrolled in education, have medical checkups or do any of the other “boring” stuff that’s good for them in the long term but not necessarily stimulating or enjoyable every time they do it. In my experience of talking and listening to foster and adoptive parents I’ve noticed an unmissable pattern, wherein the weight put on the opinions and feelings of children varies wildly from situation to situation in a way that seems arbitrary – until you notice that it correlates with the typically desired outcomes of the average foster or adoptive parent. Children being ambivalent about their first families is usually accepted at face value – embraced and validated, even. There is something incredibly permissive about that. A permissiveness that, on closer inspection, almost never extends to other areas of their parenting. It gets framed as giving children agency and there’s very little introspection on whether or not it amounts to the foster or adoptive parent neglecting their responsibility to make reasonable decisions, on behalf of the children, to set up the opportunity for them to form and maintain a relationship, a parent-child or other familial bond.

Would This Be Confusing ?

Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?

An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.

Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.

An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.

I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.

One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.

Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.

Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.

One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.

A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.

An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.

One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.

Sometimes It Just Doesn’t Work

It is sad . . . today’s story – an adoptee who became an adoptive parent had only the best intentions. We wanted an open adoption from the beginning. Not just calls and pictures, but truly and fully open. And we did that. But what happens when the first family doesn’t put forth any effort ? They will promise but don’t follow through. My son dreads being around them. They say they will do better but don’t. My son has now said he wants nothing to do with them. That is heartbreaking for me. I’ve told him they love him so much and he said “well, I’ve never seen love shown this way.”

When they showed up, they were completely upset that he wasn’t overly thrilled to see them or he didn’t want to hug. I tried to explain to them, it’s because it’s been months and months with no contact from them, he doesn’t really know them, and so of course, it’s going to take time for him to open up. But because he is reserved they give up and they don’t try. Now there hasn’t been any contact in months. My 11 year old son seems happier and stress free. Even so, I’m sad about it.

Another adoptee who is a former foster care youth shared their experience – My parents also kept me in contact with my birth family members since the beginning. Some good, some bad. My birth mom sounds just like his, and I honestly resented my parents for forcing it. They were just trying to hold up their end of the commitment, but they didn’t hear me when I said I didn’t want to go. Years later we still discuss it in therapy. My grandparents on the other hand are AMAZING and I am so happy that my family encouraged and allowed access. But they are great because they showed up for me. Loved me, took an interest in me, etc. Listen to your son. I’m sure you are doing the same as my parents were, which I thank you for that. Maybe it will be a wake up call to his first family that they need to adjust their behavior… or maybe not. But his voice needs to be heard.

Of course, sometimes it works. From Let It Be Us, an essay titled LINK>Open Adoption – A 30+ Year Perspective From the Rear View Mirror. The woman writing is Susan McConnell, who has 30+ years of experience in open adoption. She notes – “in the world of open adoption, openness is a process.” And from more than one experience that I have read – sometimes a bit messy.

Too Little Time To Succeed

Today’s story – I’m an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. “A” was taken into foster care at 3 months. She had visits with her mom for several months. Parental rights were terminated at about 18 months and they had their last visit. She was placed with me for adoption at 24 months. It took some time to get in contact with her mom, and we finally had our first visit when “A” was 3.5 years. A couple of missed visits, then COVID struck and slowed things down a lot. Thankfully, since she turned about 5.5, we’ve been spending time with her mom regularly, usually once every two weeks, and for the past eight months or so, I’ve usually left – so it’s been just them. We held birthday party jointly last spring, which was hard as we have very different values but also good and hopefully gets easier.

Increasingly, although I maybe always suspected, it’s clear to me that “A” shouldn’t have been removed from her mom. Basically, she didn’t know how to play Child Protective Services (CPS) games. And with a little more time and support, she could have parented. Definitely a case of a permanent solution being applied to a temporary problem. I do think she sometimes has made some unwise decisions, but so have I. I don’t think she poses any safety risk to “A”.

I’m increasingly wondering what’s really best for “A”. She is doing amazing in a lot of ways but has struggled with some challenging behaviors and as she’s getting older, it can no longer be dismissed as being on the normal spectrum of development. Of course, there are a lot of potential factors that we’re looking into, and I’m working to put in place sensory breaks and other accommodations at school, and I’m continuing to focus on building our attachment, but to some extent I wonder if these are just band-aids, if the real problem is being apart from her mom on a day-to-day basis. And if she doesn’t really need to be apart from her….? I’d appreciate responses from Adoptees – especially if you had a very open adoption – or first families.

While not the role she asked for – I did think this was an important point from a commenter. Just wanted to note that indeed it may not “solve” all the school problems. Maybe nothing ever will. Things will hopefully get better, absolutely. I just worry about framing any decision as possibly “solving” any “problem” behaviors for good. Sometimes expectations at school are in direct opposition to a child’s needs to thrive in an environment. Don’t let “solving her school problems” be a litmus test for your decision making.

Another not from the role but probably good advice – It sounds like you’re on the right track with nourishing a relationship between them. I’d include First Mom as much as possible in meetings and making decisions, such as IEP/school conferences and medical visits. If she’s included and reunification or guardianship becomes a possibility, she’ll be able to make informed decisions and it will be a much smoother transition for them.

Finally, from an adoptee – I had an open adoption and both me and my biological mom are neurodivergent. I also am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and past special education teacher. I would get “A” assessed by a specialist, not a MD as they often misdiagnose (it happened to me). Once there is a confirmed diagnosis, you can start the process of getting support such as IEP, OT, SLP, School Psychologist and there may be a BCBA in the school district as I saw you mentioned “challenging behaviors”. (NOTE: not all children need any of the above therapies to succeed. Case by case basis solely). If insurance is an issue (you can receive in home or clinic support outside of school, if needed), stick to school services. I do believe a lot of my behaviors growing up were related to my adoption trauma but also, I can look back and easily see all my diagnoses presented before I was diagnosed. Both contributed. I wish I had gotten diagnosed as a child to receive support sooner. Everything you’re doing seems to be benefitting “A”. I would ask mom how you can better support her and keep her definitely in the loop about getting “A” evaluated. There could be other diagnoses in the family you don’t know about. I do believe her adoption trauma has contributed and after working with children, teens and adults from 18 months to 19 years of age from all backgrounds I’ve realized, kids especially may not vocally be able to tell you what’s going on or how they feel, but their actions/behavior tell you. They can feel it inside, just may not be able to express it yet where you would understand. That was 100% me growing up. I hope this helps.

From someone else regarding laws surrounding reunification of a youth who has already been adopted – if a youth has been involuntarily relinquished for adoption, meaning CPS convinced a judge to terminate parental rights (TPR), it will be harder than if the parent relinquished voluntarily. But not impossible. For her mom to adopt her child back, she would need to pass an adoptive homestudy in your jurisdiction. Some jurisdictions disqualify a homestudy, if the adult has had a termination of parental rights, some don’t. If, she would have to make a very good case that the reasons leading to TPR are false or no longer apply, which typically means outside documentation (proof of steady employment, steady housing, AA attendance for the last 5 years, etc.) If “A” is staying with mom for any extended time periods, you can get an educational and/or medical power of attorney done that lets Mum make emergency decisions. (Note that there is a small but present risk of CPS involvement, if you do this, so you may want to contact a lawyer in your jurisdictions with all the details of the case.)

One adoptive parent shared – I know it is hard and my daughter’s mom is similar to yours. I learned what I must do and asked our daughter if she would like to return to her mom ? If I had asked when we first started access, when our daughter was 6, I know she would have wanted to go home. Now she is 15 and has opted for increased access, while remaining with me. I know that it is hard to fathom letting go but putting the child first is always the right thing to do.

From an adoptee – Best for “A” is access to her mom. Obviously, safe access and led by A at her pace. The openness is great, but I would also add therapy. Access to therapy while young is so helpful. It will also help you as you navigate the future.

From a mom who lost her child – I couldn’t figure out how to play CPS games, and my PSAT scores were in the 99th percentile. I didn’t even study until I got to college, because I was used to being able to succeed with minimal effort. With CPS, there wasn’t any set rules, or consistency, like the whole thing was set up to make parents just give up. I fought until I was TPR’d, but I can understand why a lot of parents just get overwhelmed and see the goals as impossible. CPS will just keep setting up new goals, or stall for time, then claim they can’t return the child because all the goals weren’t completed in time.

The no set rules and consistency is so on point. I have watched CPS change requirements and not notify parents. I have seen the parent doing the work get punished while the parent not complying with court orders gets praise. The more you see the system the more you see it is set up to take those children and not give them back. It is appalling AND they can lie without consequence.

An adoptee and reunified mom wrote – The thing you can’t say wouldn’t solve all the problems. The trauma already happened. But it might mitigate them. I’m not a child development specialist, so I really can’t be certain, but I know that reunification helped my child. And reunion, even this late, is helping me with my own issues.

A therapist with years working the system said – live close and co-parent. Look to each person’s strengths and build on those. Consider relating like separated parents, figuring out who does what. If it seems that you are in a better position to support her school needs, then take the lead on that but include mom. Build up her capacity to do it.

An adoptive parent brings up an interesting, sometimes overlooked, issue – So is there a first dad in the picture? It could complicate things. For us one complication is the natural father who lives in a different country is against it. He only wanted us to adopt, not for first mom to get the kids back. So we don’t know how that will look in the future. Also this, there is no magic pill. Leaving the home the adoptees have known for years will be traumatic as well.

They Just Won’t Stop

Today’s story describes what some expectant mothers go through after they decide to keep and parent their baby –

What can I do to make the guilt of keeping my baby go away? I’m not in a position to keep her really but I am going to anyways. The hopeful adoptive parents have called me selfish, and have made it clear they’ll do whatever they have to do to get my baby away from me.

I’ve already dealt with a wellness check as well as Div of Children and Families/Child Protective Services/Dept of Social Services workers coming to my home after a call to them from the hopeful adoptive parents. In the report, they said they’re worried about my unborn baby’s well being and that they know she isn’t safe with me.

I’ve sent letters formally withdrawing all consent for medical releases and stating I’m choosing to parent.

But they wont stop. They have gotten me so low, I feel like I’m ruining my baby’s life. I’m close to just saying “fine, take her”, only to make them stop. It’s overwhelming. They never stop, it’s emails, calls, voicemails, texts – all stating that I need to rethink what I’m doing.

They said they’re willing to do an open adoption, but I know they’re only saying what I want to hear. blogger’s note – the reality is that most “open adoptions” eventually fail to honor the agreements that adoptive parents will make simply to coerce the mother to let them have her baby.

This is too much.

Bravelove

I had not heard of this site before today. Bravelove is a Pro-Adoption Movement. They say that their mission is – “We understand that adoption is not for everyone. Ideally, no one wants to separate mother from child. So often the brave act of placing a baby for adoption is viewed in a negative light, when in reality it is a selfless, difficult, and loving act a birth mother can make for her child. We aim to invite and empower women to consider adoption when faced with an unplanned pregnancy.”

It is precisely the kind of narrative I find disturbing but it exists and has existed since the beginning of commercial adoptions. I learned about it today via Stephanie’s story. In my all things adoption group I read – “Stephanie” says “That’s what is so beautiful about open adoption. He doesn’t have to wonder, he doesn’t have to guess. He can just ask. He can ask us why. He can see us and say ‘okay that could have been my life, why is it not my life? And we can explain.'”

Or try to explain because it won’t be easy. Her explanation will be “we only have this life because we chose adoption”

A woman in my all things adoption group said – I mean, really? That’s your explanation? It doesn’t matter how wonderful your life is after relinquishment, letting your relinquished child know that you wouldn’t have the life you have now, if they hadn’t been relinquished . . . The woman said – it doesn’t sit right with me.

As I have seen in my own family – adoptions lead to more adoptions. Stephanie was adopted. My parents were adopted. My two sisters both gave up babies for adoption.