Tag: Parental Issues

Before It’s Too Late

No easy answers to today’s story – I was adopted at birth. Back in 2009, my birth mother was contacted by the adoption agency on my behalf about initiating contact. I was about 27 at the time. She told them it was too hard for her to open up that part of her life again, cried and said I’m loved and hopes I’m happy and healthy and provided a brief family medical history. In her defense, they called her at work out of the blue.

I’ve left it at that the last 15 years. Part of me respected her position on it and had empathy, part of me obviously felt so confused and rejected, and part of me is still mad that it’s all her decision. Through the craziest of circumstances and coincidences, I’ve learned that I know multiple people that know her (she has no idea I know who she is) and have been blessed with the vast majority of my questions answered and I know a lot about her and her family. Recently, someone told me they think she’s going through cancer treatment. Been thinking about reaching out and wondering if anyone has done that after being shut down in the past.

One who was adopted by their stepfather writes –  I didn’t find out I was adopted by who turned out to be my stepdad until I was 26 and fully by accident. I reached out to my birth dad and was shut down. Years later I, found out through the grapevine he has leukemia. In my heart, I was wanting to help him, so I reached out again. This time the door was slammed so hard that I never emotionally recovered. Based solely on my personal experience, my advice is she meant what she said and leave it or risk being hurt again.

Another adoptee writes – I was rejected by my biological mom after we had been in reunion and I’m not sure I’ve ever recovered either. I’m so sorry. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. It sucks that it’s this club we are in! 

Another adoptee suggests – What if you had someone reach out on your behalf, like a mediator? I think you will always wonder. You know what the worst case scenario is… get comfortable with it (as much as one can) and then go for it.

And another adoptee also – I’d take the risk, because you may never get a second chance. At least then, you’ll know either way how it plays out.

The original person responds – yeah, you’re probably right. I found my biological dad and family this year and just reached out to my brother on social media without a second thought. I was nervous but just said F it and did it. It’s been great! But, I do feel the parent relationship and particularly the mom is far more complicated on both sides.

Then one from experience – I say do it. My mother died of cancer and I was sorry that we never made peace before she passed. If she doesn’t want to connect with you, at least you tried and you will have that much peace with the circumstances.

A transracial adoptee writes – I would try again. Definitely be prepared for rejection, though. Both of my bios seemed interested in a relationship, then changed their minds. It is pretty awful and heartbreaking.

One who grew up in foster care writes – I didn’t meet my biological father until I was an adult and I put it off when I was 18 because I wasn’t ready. Sadly, he died 2 years later and I do wonder if I should have been more open and met earlier, we would have had more time. The bottom line is, because you’re asking and wondering, you don’t seem to have complete closure, and you deserve that. No matter the outcome, if you try again and even say everything you want to say, maybe write a letter, and get to say that you just want to get to know her with no expectations or that you’re not upset with her or whatever you truly feel, or that you won’t ever reach out again but you had to try one last time… whatever you want to say … get it off your chest, give yourself that chance and that closure.

The original person responds – Yes, this is exactly what I’ve wanted to do for the last 15 years. Not knowing exactly how to know – did she even receive my request ? When the agency recapped the conversation, it felt like she thought I was gunning for her. Like I was showing up to say, “why did you do this to me?” She got pregnant her senior year and I’ve seen pictures of her at that time. She was such a child and I strongly feel she didn’t have a choice in the matter. There are so many things I want to tell her but I want to be certain she sees it, so I’m not wondering about that forever.

A birth mother adds a hopeful and realistic note – A lot can change in 15 years. She might really want to be reunited right now but life keeps getting in the way. Or maybe she doesn’t want to burden you with her recent diagnosis.

No One Is Owed A Child

Saying I can’t have a child, so I am adopting, is not hoping. It is deciding that because you can’t carry a child, you will just take one from another woman. Your hope to gain a child is a hope that another family will lose one.  In order for a child to be able to be adopted, they will be separated from their parents. Adoptee’s loss, adopter’s gain.

There is a difference between hoping to become pregnant and feeling entitled to someone else’s child.

One adoptee notes – I didn’t need a home. My mother needed assistance. My adoption could have been easily prevented, if somebody would have helped her, instead of helping themselves to me. Hopeful adoptive parents are and will continue to be the problem feeding the system with money which it lives on, instead of actually helping with a family’s preservation.

Every person who prays for the opportunity to adopt a child is essentially praying for a vulnerable mother to make a very terrible decision to give up their child or for the parents to make a mistake that causes their children to be removed. People should pray that children never need to be adopted. Society needs to start helping families, especially financially, instead of trying to separate them.

Where do you get your massive savior complex ? ie I’m taking this child because I deserve a child, and I’m also fully convinced that I’m saving it from a Bad Life.

Having a child is NOT a human right, it is a biological drive. If you can’t have one, just taking somebody else’s, is not going to supply you with what you think it will.

“Family status” is a category protected from discrimination – you can’t exclude people from housing because they have children. It’s important that people have a right to conceive and birth a child, if they so choose and not face discriminatory policy as a result. It does not and should not mean that should you be unable to do that on your own, that you can buy someone else’s kid.

A right to make a choice about conceiving or not is a reproductive right – not the right to a baby. Nobody has a right to anyone else’s baby/child. Fair Housing does provide some protection for families with children. There is just no right to a baby/child, if a person is infertile. If a person is infertile, that is just their reality.

A lot of adoptive parents with buyer’s remorse say that they felt a pressure or obligation to society to have kids. Which directly feeds into people who feel entitled to children to fill a societal need. I’ve actually been asked in job interviews why I won’t adopt.

A child is a human with their own rights. There are parental rights because a child can’t make all their own decisions but those aren’t a thing until there is a child.

Ask yourself – How would you handle it, if a family member lost their parental rights ?

I hope you would be there for them and this includes caring for their child. Not adopting their child but being a support for that family member, to do whatever it takes to have their parental rights restored. I’m not a legal expert but I would hope that last part about restoration is always possible.