Tag: Parenting

Being Pushed

In today’s story – I just found out I’m expecting and everyone is pushing for adoption. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for another baby. I don’t want to adopt my baby out. I’m trying to reply as much as I can. I picked up a third job to keep me distracted. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to give up my baby.

However, looking for an image to illustrate this, I came across this story in The Cut I could not stop reading. The title is LINK>The Mom Who Told Her Cousin She Could Adopt Her Next Baby under the How I Got This Baby subtitle. about a woman who was carrying a baby to give to a cousin who was infertile after trying for 14 years. She ended up changing her mind and the cousin has treated her despicably afterwards.

She notes – “The experience made me stop wanting to help people. It made me feel like many people are in the situations they’re in for a reason, and I no longer step in to help. I don’t trust people anymore, because  you could literally give someone the world and it still won’t be enough at the end of the day. They’ll always want more.”

So back to my first story, someone wrote – “I met a gal in this same situation. I shared that both adoption and abortion are permanent decisions to often temporary problems. I offered for her to place her child with me for a time to see if she really desires not to parent her baby. If she decides she can, we’ll assist her and support her and if it’s too much for her, we are able to assist her as needed with that too. There’s no need to rush to make a decision. You have time. I bet if you reached out to people in your circle explaining the situation, they could offer you the same type of support.” She noted – “Decisions made in haste are often regretful.” She suggested LINK>Embrace Grace for unplanned pregnancy support.

Another person shared – I also only knew I didn’t want to give up my baby 17 years ago. I didn’t give him up. I have a lot of regrets in my life, but that is definitely not one of them. I stood my ground and refused to give him up or ever give up on him, and I will NEVER regret those choices. You are stronger than you know, and I can already say that with absolute certainty, because when I was at that stage of pregnancy, all I knew was that I didn’t want to give up my baby. Truly, if you need to talk, I’ve been there, and I’m here for you.

A comment was made – Then make a plan on what you need to do to keep this baby. To which someone else added – or end the pregnancy. That can be intense but many adoptees agree with such logic – there is no child when a pregnancy is ended, for me I would rather have been aborted than be forced to stay with the abusive adoptive parents. Another adoptee agreed – It’s a much better fate. Another noted – there is no child yet. She is pregnant but there is no guarantee that the embryo or fetus will turn into a child. Also, yes it’s better to get a medical procedure (abort), than to be stolen from their actual parents after birth.

This discussion did lead to some “preaching”. It was called out which I will leave you with today -from a retired ob/gyn nurse – please save the preaching for your church of choice… The many varied options/ opinions come from the privileged voices -those who are Adoptee’s and Mother’s of loss…. The pregnant woman was wise to post anonymously…as potential hopeful adoptive parents prey on those in crisis pregnancies (in spite of it being against our group rules)…Expectant mom’s….Report anyone contacting you about adoption! Those ‘promising you unlimited yet not enforceable post adoption… “contact”. Knowing the area where you live helps in recommending resources.

Adoption is NOT a quick fix. It is a multigenerational and life-long family trauma….as a ‘fix’ for short term financial and economic difficulties of support, housing, transportation, childcare… Babies don’t need a multi-thousand dollar designer nursery and a closet full of clothing they will outgrow in a blink of an eye! A pack-n-play, car seat and frame….diapers & clothing. Much of that can be found in ‘buy nothing groups’ or passed down, like several here have offered. Community diaper banks, WIC/Medicaid/Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), daycare assistance, housing assistance etc….

Ending an early pregnancy is still an option…. you owe NO ONE YOUR BABY! Sign nothing! Do not agree to being ‘temporarily housed’ by adoption agencies! There IS helpful help vs self serving help available. Report to an admin anyone, ANYONE, contacting you about adoption! Our group has helped many to parent!

This woman was also a former Baby Scoop Era pregnant teen who was pushed to place by parents/priests…..BUT SHE PARENTED… she says, “my adult son is an electrical engineer and Navy Vet (in spite of early years of HUD Housing/Food Stamps/WIC/Medicaid…)”

Not A Fun Experience

Okay, just a moment of humor before diving in –

(From someone else, not your blogger) – Recently a young woman who confides in me and looks up to me came to me and told me she thinks pregnancy is disgusting and wants to only pursue surrogacy and adoption when she gets married. Mind you she’s young and nowhere close to getting married. She thinks being pregnant and giving birth is repulsive — zero trauma, just grossed out.

Our religion has similar views of adoption and surrogacy, basically it’s a no go from that angle. I also gently let her know that as a mother myself, I think if you are absolutely disgusted by pregnancy, you will not survive being a parent. My pregnancy was no picnic but it did not compare still to one day of being a mom. I said it was unfair to offload her disgust and apprehensions into someone else and just buy the baby in the end.

She lashed out and said I’m saying that women who can’t or don’t want to get pregnant don’t deserve to be mothers. I said there’s a huge difference between can’t get pregnant and absolutely don’t want to. And that regardless, adoption and surrogacy are unethical “solutions” to not wanting to or not being able to birth a baby.

She is still blowing up my phone angry as hell. Am I wrong for these statements?

(Offensive adoptee perspective incoming) – I’ll say it: it’s not that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant, don’t *deserve* to be mothers, it’s that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant *aren’t* mothers. No matter how they acquire it, these young role players can be wonderful guardians! And caretakers! And make huge positive impacts on a child’s life! But they’ll never be that child’s mother. Sorry not sorry.

Some Lives Are Difficult

Not the Girl in this story

Today’s story comes out of a foster parent help and support group. It concerns a 4 yr old girl who was placed with them when she was only 2 years old. Her biological mom passed away 3 mos after she had been placed with a foster family. Her biological dad has been in prison the entire time. She calls her foster parents mom and dad and has no recollection of her original parents.

She is now going to be transitioned to an adoptive home. The foster parents have tried to explain to her that they are not her parents and that she’s going to have new parents. To their credit, they are concerned about the trauma this may cause her.

They don’t want her to feel abandoned but their agency is not giving them any guidance about how to handle this situation. The agency is giving the foster parents 2 months to prepare the little girl and she will have a lot of visits with her new parents during that time period.

One adoptee stated – You should adopt her if she is fully integrated into your family and calling you Mom and Dad. You have no other option. If you don’t want to adopt her, then how has this gone on for 2 years?

Another blamed the agency – The agency failed the child too. They never should have let this go on, and should have been facilitating at least phone calls with dad in jail. To which the original commenter (who is not the foster parent in question) replied – I am not downplaying how the agency has messed up. I just do not understand how you can have a child living in your home and not advocate and be honest with them. It sickens me.

Then came a reality check from someone who experienced foster care – that depends what he’s in prison for. If he’s been in prison the entire time, then his parental rights were terminated before the child had conscious and accessible memories. If he’s serving time for any restricted offenses, then the state does not allow any contact with that incarcerated relative. My biological dad was incarcerated and not allowed to have contact with me because one of his charges was child endangerment and the others were drug related offenses within school zones. Therefore, there was no mandate or legal channel for visiting or communication with him, while I was in active foster care, even as a teen, and especially not with my foster parent facilitating it.

You Are A Light

It is that season of hope and light. Listening to Rev Jason Daveon Mitchell’s message at LINK>Agape last Sunday echoed stories of how so many lives bring light with them. He said – . . . the world is already blessed because you are here. You are a light that entered into an aspect of darkness. Some of you lit up and opened up a crevice in the parents that you had. Some of you lit up the fire station that you were set out in front of. For some of you, the family that you were born into, delivered you to somewhere else. Some of you went into the foster care system.

Just to say that regardless, you are not defined by the conditions of your birth. There may be trauma that you will have to struggle to overcome, perhaps with some good trauma informed therapist. All of you have gone through all manner of conditions on your life’s journey.

No Man In Sight

At least one mom in my own mom’s group decided to have a child with no man in sight. For same sex female couples who want children but want to be ethical about doing the right thing, what are the options ? One offers her experience.

I’m a queer parent to a donor-conceived child and also have adopted kids through foster care.

The topic has come up before but is always interesting to me and just inherently homophobic—that women who have conceived a child by having sex are encouraged to keep and raise the child – no matter what: mental health issues, extreme poverty, abusive partners—but then, queer people are told there’s no ethical way to have a child. So somehow sex with a man makes it ethical and idealized?? So having sex gives you a right to parent – no matter what, and if you can’t get pregnant by having sex, you have no right to have children and should go mentor kids….there’s just no way to view this stance as anything but homophobia.

The ethics of sperm donation, in my opinion, based on learning from donor conceived people and also my experience as someone abandoned by my father, is that anonymous sperm donation is not ethical. I chose to conceive with a known donor who has no interest in parenting/co-parenting but is a known and present figure in our lives. [blogger’s note – I agree that any reproductive donors ought to be known. Every person should have access to their genetic background.]

Fostering is a different story. When we went into it, we were open to adopting (if things went that way) but really tried to approach it as us supporting a family in crisis by being that safe healthy person who could watch the kid(s) until the parents got back on their feet. We fostered 8 children and have adopted 4, which statistically is in line with our state’s averages that 50% of placements reunify. Our first adoptee has 3 siblings in two different families, neither of which was willing to take her. Our second adoption is a sibling set of three, with few healthy family members, a lot of criminal involvement and in incarceration, and years of trying to find a way for parents or family to be a resource. There were only a couple of healthy family members but they were unwilling to take on 3 young children. Unlike the usual assumptions, we had zero plans to adopt them and would have gladly welcomed family for them. Yet if we didn’t adopt them, they would have been moved again to non-relatives, which would have increased their trauma, so we did the right thing for them. I don’t say this for any accolades—I say it because the reality for these kids is that at this moment in time, we’re their best option.

So yes, in my opinion, there are ways to ethically raise children, even if you can’t have sex with a man.

Keeping Them Together

My husband heard this story on NPR and knowing it would be of interest to me, told me about it. I grew up in a different kind of Texas than we usually think about the state in these modern times. I am grateful to have something good to say exists in that state today.

LINK>Casa Mia is a refuge for mothers with opioid use disorders and their infants in San Antonio Texas. Through a partnership between the School of Nursing at the University of Texas and Crosspoint Inc (a local nonprofit organization), mothers and their young children are offered housing while the mothers are enrolled in a recovery program and receive support services.

Casa Mia is located on a quiet street in a predominantly historic neighborhood near downtown San Antonio. It is a two-story house filled with laughter, baby bottles, diapers and toys. It includes a garden in the back. Gardening is proven to be therapeutic and helps with recovery, and nutrition is important to recovery as well. “A lot of our ladies have grown up with food insecurity,” says Dr. Cleveland. “People who are in recovery from a substance use disorder often have cravings, and it is important to discuss nutrition for mom and for baby.” There are clean beds for the women to sleep on at night. It is a far cry from the streets where these women formerly resided. Back in 2019, they were able to help 32 women and 26 children.

Dr Lisa Cleveland co-founded Casa Mia after witnessing the traumatic separations of mothers, who were diagnosed with opioid disorders, and their newborns shortly after birth. She partnered with Crosspoint Inc who had previously used the building as a women’s recovery support home. Crosspoint is a local nonprofit organization that provides transitional and behavioral health services to San Antonio’s most marginalized and vulnerable citizens.

“Casa Mia follows a social recovery-housing model. The focus is on teaching moms to live their lives without substances. We show them that they can have a great life without them,” Dr. Cleveland says. They provide a comprehensive wellness program for the mothers and also teach them life skills, while offering them a safe place to live with their children, while they recover.

While nationally there are numerous transitional or recovery homes for women, only 3 percent of that housing offers beds for their young children. As a neonatal nurse for 28 years and a mother, Dr Cleveland understands the mental and physical need for a child and mother to be together from birth. The maternal bond is important for each of them. “We need to help women become moms in a supportive environment before we put them out into the world,” she says.

Local and county statistics further solidified her resolve to take action. One-third of all Texas infants diagnosed with opioid withdrawal are born in Bexar County, the highest rate in the state. This equates to 300 to 400 babies each year; more than Dallas-Fort Worth and Houston combined. Casa Mia is a one-of-a-kind program designed to turn the tide.

“The statistics just really floored me,” says Dr Cleveland, “and I thought why is no one talking about this, especially since it has a really large impact on our community. With those numbers, it stands to reason that Bexar County really needs to set the standard for the state, and we are now. Bexar County truly is the leader in best practices and best care for these families.”

Traditionally, pregnant mothers who are diagnosed with substance use disorder have only two options after they give birth: either have a family member take care of their infant while they go to a treatment center or Child Protective Services places the infant in foster care. “Even if the infant is placed with a family member, the mother and baby are still separated. This separation is very traumatic for the mother and very traumatic for the baby. It is traumatic for the staff at the hospital as well. It just doesn’t make sense to me,” Dr Cleveland says. “Why are we taking these babies away from mothers who need help? Why are we not helping the mothers instead?”

Funded by the Texas Department of State Health Services, the Baptist Health Foundation and the Sisters of the Holy Spirit, Casa Mia is staffed 24 hours a day and can house up to 20 mothers and their young children at a time. Each woman must continue her recovery or treatment plan and follow the rules of the house. The first phase is fairly restrictive. Residents are not allowed to stay overnight elsewhere and must be in the house by a set curfew. They must let the staff know where they are going when they leave, even for treatment; they have to call when they get where they are going from the landline phone at their location, not a cell phone; and they have to call when they are on their way back to the house. As they progress through their recovery, the restrictions are relaxed until they eventually get ready to exit the program. There is no set timeframe for a resident to stay or exit the program.

“I think recovery is very individual,” Dr Cleveland says. “One of the things that makes our program unique is that if someone relapses, they do not get thrown out of the house. We know that recovery is a process and sometimes people relapse and that is part of the learning process. I have heard of women who have relapsed after leaving the program and then get right back on track. To me, that is a huge success.”

At Casa Mia, women may arrive expecting a child, having just given birth, or hoping to be reunited with their child. One case study is Becky who arrived at Casa Mia one January, six-months pregnant with her seventh child. After using drugs for six years, now at the age of 33, is thankful the judge sent her to Casa Mia. As a result of her drug use, she had lost custody of three of her children to their father and has joint custody of three others with a different father. She has been in recovery for more than a year and is finally excited about her future. While living at Casa Mia, Becky continues her recovery program, works a steady job (which she has had for almost two years) and takes classes to complete her GED. She plans to become a real estate agent.

“Now that my baby is born, I haven’t left her side, not even once. I am very happy because I think the Lord gave me another chance. He showed me these young women and how they take care of their children and that planted seeds in my head. Now that I have my little girl, he has given me another chance to be a mom again, and I’m very thankful for that.” She adds, “I love the staff at Casa Mia. They want what’s best for us, and they really try to help you. Having your children with you is the best thing, and I just see how everything works together.”

Crosspoint brings its expertise in recovery housing and support, the School of Nursing provides its expertise in women and children’s health as well as nutrition and childhood development. Classes for the mothers range from child nutrition and parenting to yoga and infant care.

Why Is It Different Here ?

How come infant adoption doesn’t exist in countries with social safety nets??

Because women don’t willingly give up babies without coercion and desperate circumstances.

The point above is that many countries outside the US have less than 200 adoptions annually…some only a handful. WHY?

  • Because they don’t allow it to be a multi billion dollar industry
  • It is NOT privatized
  • It is illegal to adopt on your own – no internet/friend matches
  • They have a social support system to help families stay together.

Some additional comments –

The social nets in the US need serious overhaul. I work in a hospital and some of the situations I’ve seen people in are heartbreaking, infuriating, sickening. It makes sense that countries with ACTUAL support see fewer broken families all around.

It was sad to see this one – I wish it was like this everywhere. I’m from Ukraine and it’s a sh*tshow – lots of kids abandoned, horrific dysfunction, zero support. It’s terrible.

Safety nets include but are not limited to: proper science based sex ed, access to birth control of the patients choice, access to medical care, plus abortion accessibility. Access to housing and therapy. I have found a lot of people assume support is $$$ and while that is true to a degree, it is not the whole picture. Building community is the best thing we can do. To which someone else noted – but realistically money solves a ton of issues.

From an adoptee – Safety nets and social resources are so important. It is deeply disturbing that we pay so much lip service to “children are our greatest resource” and pretending that we are all about “family values,” but when push comes to shove, it’s really about greed and selfishness. We need to elect politicians who are more interested in people than money and power.

A transracial adoptee notes – I hate it when they try to make it seem like there are soooo many abandoned babies. Even if there is an expectant mom who wants to give birth (which how many pregnant people are truly willing to give birth, especially in a country with a high mortality rate, to just relinquish the baby) but does not want to parent (as in they have the ability/support/the means to parent but truly do not want to & wouldn’t/couldn’t abort), then what about the father? And if he really absolutely does not want to parent, do they really not have a single family member or honestly even close family friend who would take in the baby? Like the leap to having absolute strangers adopt the baby is just too much for me honestly. I frankly find it a bit hard to believe that there are so many situations where there are 2 capable expectant parents who simply don’t want parent and for not a single family member be capable/willing to take care of the child.

Another explains –  it’s the private adoption industry taking the foster care statistic of approximately 100,000 post-Termination of Parental Rights youth in this country, and just conveniently not mentioning that almost none of them are babies or toddlers. And then, if challenged, they will say ‘but this prevents them from ending up in foster care, aging out without a family,’ although I imagine that would not be relevant to the majority of parents who relinquish privately.

Which brought this recognition – I’ve actually found it incredibly bizarre how some very educated and intelligent people in my life, people who understand systems of oppression in regards to other demographics, a) don’t seem to get that no one gets pregnant to happily turn around and relinquish and b) refuse to understand that different age groups in the foster care system likely have different needs and require different approaches.

And this story from an expectant mother – I’m 42, expecting my 4th. My 1st, I was a single mother when her father left when she was 15 months old. I was a single mother for 10 years when I met my husband. But I thrived. I had a career, bought my own house, could afford a comfortable life. When I married, we had 2 boys over 8 years of marriage. My husband comes from a long line of mental illnesses, which he inherited. Both our boys are special needs, ASD among others. I’m in the middle of a long divorce as my husband is dragging it out and controlling it all as long as he can. I’m now a single mother for a second time. Eventually started casually seeing someone and got pregnant the second time we were together. He immediately jumped ship and was adamant he doesn’t want anything to do with it. Doesn’t want to be on the birth certificate. Nothing. This pregnancy will make me a single mother for essentially a 3rd time, at the age of 43. I am over being a single mother. I don’t want to do this for 40 years straight. I am older. I have no family that would take a baby. I had zero interest in abortion, I live in a state where it’s still legal, but that’s not something I agree with and I couldn’t live with myself. So, yes, I’m the mom that would carry to term just so I wasn’t killing the baby. I also couldn’t live with the what if’s with adoption. So I’m simply left with parenting. Do I want to? No. It’s simply the only option that doesn’t leave me with what ifs for the rest of my life. I fit everything you said is a far stretch. Father does not want, I would not abort, I have already been a single mother most of my entire adult life, so I know I CAN do it, but I don’t want to anymore. I’ve lived that phase of my life. I’m currently reliving that phase of my life with 2 challenging kiddos. And now, my awful luck has me starting all over again a 3rd time. And being in this position, I’ve come to realize there are lots of older women in my position for different reasons. Thought they went through menopause, Birth Control failed, whatever. Married, divorced, there are lots of us. So many people think this is a “young mom” issue, but there is an older crowd no one considers because we aren’t the norm.

Another agreed – the majority from the statistics I’ve seen who are getting abortions are married or divorced older women. I don’t see many choosing adoption at that age.

And a perspective from the United Kingdom – The UK has plenty of adoption, largely because our social services and safety net are so full of holes, struggling families don’t get help and their kids get taken away. What we don’t have is abandoned babies or people voluntarily giving up their infants. Because we have free, readily available abortion for people who really don’t want a kid, free healthcare (even if the government is currently running the service into the ground) and enough of a basic safety net (however fraying) that is usually sufficient that people who choose to give birth don’t feel they have to then give away their children due to poverty. I have a mountain of criticism for the ways our society is failing families, and letting them fall apart, but I still look at the United States in horror at how much worse it is.

This Really Should Be Illegal

A mom’s story –

When I was 15 and found myself pregnant and no idea really what was gonna happen. I mean I knew but was naive at that age. I was thinking about adoption. My mom called catholic services to see where to go from there. At that age, I thought my mom knew best. Anyway about a week later I was driven 1 1/2 hours away to a new home with the hopeful adoptive parents. They set me up with state aid and monitored everything I put in my body food wise. At 15, I was scared and didn’t know what was normal and not normal. I stayed for about a month. When I told them I wanted to go home, I had to promise to still give them my baby or I don’t think they would of brought me back. I was screamed at for the entire hour and half drive back home. The day I came home from delivering my baby, the social worker was sitting in my living room asking me to sign the papers to give this couple my baby. I hadn’t brought her home yet. When I said I was keeping her. I was sternly talked to about how I can’t parent at my age and was making a huge mistake. The hospital even put me on a separate floor, so I would not to get attached. That whole experience was very traumatic. That baby girl is now 30 and about to graduate college on the dean’s list. She has 2 baby girls that I wouldn’t of known. I don’t think hopeful adoptive parents should be able to put you in their home to browbeat and bully you into letting them keep your baby. It really should be against the law.

Does Anyone Ever Chose Drugs Over Their Kids ?

There is no way I can do justice to such a large and complex topic in a blog. I have experienced the difficulty of dealing with a spouse who has a substance use disorder. In my case, it was both alcohol and heroin that my spouse was using and it did impact our financial situation and our relationship. In fact, he left the region to try and get clean but came back. After that, I left because I lost hope that he could overcome it. Then, I left my daughter with her paternal grandmother, temporarily, only to discover that eventually, the grandmother turned her over to her father. I would NEVER have left her with him. However, he had remarried and her step-mother was very important in her life during those years. I did not know about the challenges that occurred in her household until very recently. I thought for many years that they gave her a family that I could not as a single mother – and I was not entirely wrong about that part – as her step and half siblings are very important to her. However, I also never knew about the domestic violence that she was forced to witness. It did not entirely surprise me when I learned of it. He had once threatened me with a pair of scissors due to a jealous outburst (which I had actually done nothing to cause). I was fortunate that he never hit me. If I had stayed longer, the outcome may have been worse.

In my all things adoption community today I read this discussion topic – Substance Use Disorder Views.

“Drugs are more important than their kids”

“The parents chose drugs over their kid”

“If they loved their children, they would get it together so they could get them back”

“She was given all the resources she would need, but it didn’t matter, she chose drugs over her kids”

All of the above can be read in any Foster/Adoptive Parent forum on any given day. Usually shared with clear disgust.

1) Are these statements accurate? Be prepared to back up why you say yes or no

2) Does removing children act as a wake up call or an avalanche effect?

NOTE: when discussing, please do not use the term addict, drug addict or any other derogatory term to identify someone dealing with SUD. Addiction is termed here as substance use disorder or SUD. We do this because we have members in recovery and we respect that language matters.

While there is not time to seriously address this, I did find something that is worth some time to consider, if you or someone you love is dealing with this issue. I will note that children are often removed from their parents for SUD. Some of will spend their entire childhood in foster care. The younger ones (typically they are more desirable) sometimes end up being adopted.

From Rutgers University – LINK>How much of addiction is genetic?
More than half of the differences in how likely people are to develop substance use problems stem from DNA differences, though it varies a little bit by substance. Research suggests alcohol addiction is about 50 percent heritable, while addiction to other drugs is as much as 70 percent heritable.

How many genetic risk factors have we discovered?
Hundreds, but there are hundreds more to be discovered. We just did a study where we measured how well the best current polygenic scores, combined with environmental risk factors, predicted substance use disorders in 15,000 people who participated in long-term studies, and we found that they only predicted about 10 percent of the outcome variations we saw. That said, people with the highest levels of risk were four times more likely to develop a substance use disorder than people with the lowest levels of risk, so we can already help people understand their risk level and optimize their health choices.