Just Need A Little More Time

Today’s story –

Our state has a mandated “permanency plan” that kicks in at 15 months of the past 22 in care. Adoption is the strong preference. Does anyone have any experience with a system like this and being able to successfully advocate more time for reunification to happen? We are 32 days away from that 15 month mark and we are not possibly going to be in a place where reunification is realistic in that timeframe, but mom is making HUGE strides and can absolutely do this with an appropriate amount of time. There are complicating factors – she is a domestic violence (victim) and a past substance user. I fear the state will use these against her, despite her incredible work over the past 4 months.

If they move forward with a termination of her parental rights, despite her work, are we able to do anything to reunify ourselves ? If we can get them to agree to guardianship instead of adoption ? This family just needs more time and I want to make sure we are doing everything possible to get her that time.

In addition to this sibling group of littles, we also have a teenager. She asked for a termination of parental rights and wants to be adopted. She is very excited about not having to go home and be with her family anymore. Her situation is different as she is 17, which means she gets to make her own choices. Any suggestions for how to talk about what she wants and is asking for and her joy at ending her first family ties, while also holding space for how deeply tragic that would be for the littles ? I don’t want the littles to think that we want that for them, or to think that because it’s happy for the teen that it would be happy for them. What is best for these two groups of children is different and I want to make sure we don’t hurt either of them in the process of celebrating the other. Thanks for your ideas and help!

Some help comes – are the Littles old enough to understand that while you love them and want to have them there until their mom is able to finish “getting her stuff together” – that the older child’s parents weren’t able to do what was needed for them to be a safe person ? If they know their mom, it may be a bit easier to explain that they’re living with you, while their mom gets some help and takes care of things.

Another who was in foster care as a youth notes – I would personally go with like, “mom is getting some help to take care of herself, so that she can take care of you again safely” but language choices can be altered a bit depending on the specific circumstances. That’s how it was framed for me when I first entered care at a younger age and my mom had similar circumstances to this mom, substance abuse, dual diagnosis, plus the intimate partner violence factor.

A family advocate writes – 15 months is federal law, the Adoption and Safe Families Act. At 15 months, the state must pursue termination of parental rights and adoption – unless there is a compelling reason to continue working reunification. If mom is making progress but just not quite there, the compelling reason is that she could reasonably be ready to reunify within a time frame that would still be in the best interests of the children. There could be a goal change requested, but I would be surprised if that judge approved that, if she’s doing well. Mom needs to document everything she’s working on and every objective measurable bit of progress she’s made. Her attorney can present this to the judge to argue against a goal change. But if the team sees her progress, they may not even request it.

Been There, Doing Better

Today’s story – not my own.

I am a former foster care youth who was adopted. When my biological niece (I found my family via Ancestry) was taken and placed in foster care, I had to step up and help since I’ve been there. So, I got kinship guardianship of my niece while my brother was in a recovery program. He was making good progress. Sadly, about 4 months ago, he stopped going and relapsed. The timing was bad. The case worker and attorney are looking to switch my niece’s program to a Termination of Parental Rights goal. I’m afraid if they do this, my brother may spiral downward. I definitely don’t want to see that happen. I’m not given any specific information because I am just the caregiver. Admittedly, I’m not familiar with the termination process or addiction. I don’t know what to expect or how to help my brother.

From experience, someone commented – As the current legal custodian of my niece and myself, a child raised under legal guardianship – Would you be willing/able to remain her legal custodian under kinship as a long term permanency plan? Being raised within my family was in some ways very beneficial for me. There was still a lot of trauma. But if your niece is safe with you and you can raise her long term, that may be very beneficial for her.

In response, the original commenter said – she has been with me a little over a year now. she was in foster care 5 months before she came to me. She will always be welcome here. I did not know there were long term kinship options. The only options I am aware of come from the caseworker. His perspective is if my brother does what he should, he will get her back. If I take Article 6 Custody (from termination of parental rights) that drops the case for both my brother and the baby’s mother. (I have never meet her. She checked out of the hospital early and never set anything up with Dept of Social Services to have visits or anything.) I didn’t want the final option, which I was told was my willingness to adopt her. I don’t know where this will go but I definitely don’t want to see my brother fall down the rabbit hole.

And then there was this (people can really care !!) – Addiction is a disease that can be treated. This child has a genetic risk of inheriting this gene. I want to share with you that I’ve been in recovery for over 23 years – completely clean and sober. I can share some things with you and resources, as much as you want. Please feel free to ask me ANYTHING either here or privately in private message. There IS hope and as long as your brother is still breathing, he can still clean up. There are resources for you, for the child, all sorts of things. It’s ok, and my heart goes out to you and I am sending prayers to your brother, you and all in this situation. There IS hope and he CAN recover. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping your niece with you in a kinship capacity. Please feel free to reach out, now or later, ok? xo

Dumped Out at 18

This man entered foster care at the age of 15. My biological parents had their rights terminated my senior year of high school. The permanency plan the state created for me was for me to age out of the system and be thrusted into the “real world” at the age of 18.
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If we want to discuss adoption from foster care, we need to talk about the kids that weren’t adopted.
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* 5% of kids adopted from foster care are between the ages or 15-18
* 20% become homeless the day they age out of the system
* 60%-90% of victims rescued from human trafficking spent time in foster care
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The reality is that 23,000 youth will age out of foster care this year alone. I know personally how hard it is to navigate life after foster care and I don’t want other youth to age out of care and have this be their reality.

When considering adoption, please keep these youth, not babies 0-3 years old, in mind.

One woman in my all things adoption group wrote – I’m one of those former foster youths in the system from age 5 to age 16, I aged out and was homeless upon emancipation, never got adopted, only had a failed reunification with my mom in my teens.

Another added this reality – I hate seeing comments from foster parents saying if reunification didn’t happen then kids could be adopted as young children instead of staying in the system as older children. Many older kids come into care as older kids. The reason why older kids stay years in foster care is because most people don’t want older children. They want 0-3, infants, or under 5. She adds – My foster daughter’s permanency plan was defined as another planned permanent living arrangement (APPLA) at 13. The system tossed her aside.

Yet another former foster youth writes – Came into foster care as an almost teen/teen, in 24 foster homes, and nobody but one wanted me. It’s crazy how you can get a teen easily in seconds but people would rather avoid teens and wait years for the kid they really want. I just wish we can be honest. This might hurt to say but all I hear are excuses. Just be honest and say you don’t care about teens in foster care. We’re passed along and pushed aside by everyone. It hurts but you get use to it.