Today’s – an adoptive mother of an 8 yr old boy who really wants to know his father and has fantasies about meeting him. She is in contact with his extended family and is now struggling with how to address his desire because it is said that the father is not a good person without really explaining why. So she has tried to explain to her son what they have been told by his siblings. She notes that he is an extremely generous and kind boy who has a hard time understanding that someone could be bad or dangerous and so still very badly wants to meet him.

It occurs to me that this might be somewhat a male thing. Both of my parents were adoptees. When I started out on my own roots discovery journey in 2017, I only really wanted to fulfill my mother’s desire to know about her own mother which she was thwarted from learning by closed and sealed adoption records. I had amazingly good success after my mom died, mostly because the state of Tennessee gave me her adoption file. Then, my nephews really wanted to know who my dad’s father was and encouraged me to pursue that. I am very glad that I did. Honestly, I have received many more blessings from pursuing that side of my genetic relatives than I had on my mom’s side, with the exception of one wonderful cousin, my mom’s step-sister’s daughter.

Now, back to today’s issue because delicate situations require sensitive or careful handling. The first advice I read, I believe was important. A mother of loss said – I’d rephrase your description of his father. Telling him his father “is not a good person” with no background about why he is not “good” is confusing to an 8 year old. I’d say something like, “at this time your father may not be in a healthy place for contact. I will work on getting more information for you and we can revisit your desire to know him.” His father may be horrible/unsafe/etc; but until you get accurate info, I would not label him as “no good”. Even a “no good” might be safe enough to have supervised contact in time. There are just too many unknowns…..

An adoptive parent agreed – I was going to say the same thing, editing that language may be helpful because “not a good person” is so vague and hard for a kid to understand what the problem is. At the age of 8, I think the kiddo needs as much age appropriate info as you can share. If you don’t know the reason the adult children have safety concerns, I think it’s okay to say that. “My job is to take care of you and keep you safe, and your siblings who have known your dad for a long time believe it may not be safe to spend time together right now.” Allowing him to write letters, draw pics etc for dad may be a good way to help the boy feel some connection until you have more information to make a decision about further contact.

Someone else shared their perspective – this would just make me resent everyone involved because my siblings got to know him at all and I didn’t and I desperately want to.

And then, there was this important point – I think that you’re forgetting that no matter what the father has done or not done, he’s still his father. As his father, he’s part of him. Saying that the father is bad means that HE is bad. Trust me, that’s the impact, regardless of your intent. Also, you are going off of information without knowing just what he’s done. That’s not fair to anyone. If he’s been a jerk to the NM and her family, that’s not a good enough reason. Unless you know for sure what’s going on, I say let him meet. Tell the genetic mother and extended family that you NEED to know what’s going on. Is he a gang member? A child molester? In prison? Living on the street? What exactly is being “bad”?? This doesn’t pass the smell test. It is unreasonable for them to say don’t contact without specifics. Your son deserves to know his father and father’s family. I say this as one who wasn’t crazy about my child’s father, but still knew that my child had rights.

Even so, one adoptee noted –  this may be an unpopular opinion but if they say he isn’t safe and don’t let him have access to their children, I wouldn’t either.

Then, there was this personal experience – my father was allowed to adopt a child, and I remember being shocked (at 7) that we passed the home inspection because of how he was. (They didn’t talk to me. Classism is wild.) I say this to establish that I grew up with an unsafe parent. Your son needs more information than “he’s bad” (which will make him feel bad about himself too). Explain that his father made choices that make him not safe to be around, that his brother and sister don’t want their kids around him, for their safety, and that his brother and sister look sad and scared when they talk about him. Let him know It’s your responsibility to keep him safe. He will understand if you are careful and sufficiently specific.

One adoptee asked – why did it take so long for his genetic mother to tell you who he is ? She replied – His mom later told us she was scared that if we contacted him he would come for her. She also does not like to talk about him. She never has said anything negative, but it is things like this. Or she said she ran away from him when she got pregnant. When I ask for more details she stops talking and I have respected that so far. We know who he is, confirmed with a DNA test with my son’s brother, but we have no contact info for him and have respected that his brother and sister are “no contact” with him and that this was a condition for our having a relationship with them.

And this was an important perspective – from experience – I grew up very heavily categorizing people into “good” and “bad” labels. But it’s more nuanced than that. Even if his father is the vilest person you’ll ever know of… that’s not ALL there is to him. My mother wasn’t equipped to parent me. She made selfish, immature choices that resulted in us being separated by Child Protective Services. Those bad things are true. She’s admitted to them herself, in recent years. But she did other things before and after that which allow me to connect with her as a HUMAN. And that has been a crucial part of my process. When we hear that they’re bad, and that’s all we hear, it dehumanizes them… and by association, us.

From an adoptee – Without knowing what the father has done, I’d be hesitant to classify him as anything other than “unavailable” at this time. I am in a situation where several family members are no (or very little) contact with another. They have history and a relationship with that person that I was not a part of. I don’t know any details of their past or why they’ve gone no/little contact. I respect their boundaries.

She adds – But, I have a right to navigate my own relationship with this person. My experience with this individual is different than those of the others. It’s been nothing but lovely. I’m cautious in my interactions, knowing that several people stay away, but that is their history, not mine. I don’t know the version of the person they know, and it’s been so many years and I don’t know that they’re aware of the version I know. I believe people are capable of growth or change. And that doesn’t change the experience of the other people. Mine is just different. I haven’t seen any red flags yet, or yellow flags for that matter. I’m watching for them. If any of the individuals shared their history that included red flag moments, I’d likely cut ties. But for now, I continue building my relationship. Since you don’t have any details, I would do your own investigation about the father and draw your own conclusions before bringing the child into it. I would respect the personal boundaries of the others, but their boundaries are theirs not yours. I’d be cautious and move incredibly slowly because of their warnings, but you do have a right to make contact if you wish for the sake of the child in your care. And stay incredibly vigilant for the yellow and red flags that might be present.