Not Ever Possible

From an infertile foster parent turned guardian –

Do not kid yourselves that you’ll be enough. You won’t. You’ll never fill that hole that the parents can fill. You’ll never be able to dampen the thoughts they have in the quiet of the night about being with their real parents. Your situation isn’t different and your love isn’t sufficient.

Tonight me and the five year old, whom we’ve had since she was 6 months old and I adore endlessly, had one of our usual deep conversations about what’s going on in her sweet mind.

She told me how she thinks about her mom and dad every single night, when everything gets quiet and still, wishing they could go on walks to catch butterflies and go to the pool.

How she doesn’t like to talk about them too much cause it makes her really sad, her heart race and her belly sick.

How she wishes her Dad wasn’t in jail and that her Mom didn’t die, so she could go and stay at their house.

That she wishes she could cut herself in half – so half could be here with us and half be with her family.

She gets upset at herself for “telling me lies” (she tells me fantasy stories about things she and her mom did, when she was still with her) but she tells me them because she wishes they were true… we agreed that she should keep telling me these stories and I’ll help her by saying “do you wish that’s what happened?” Rather than just going along with it.

She wishes she could ask her Dad questions about her Mom so she could know her better.

She wanted to know why her mom used drugs.

I pulled out my (pathetic) list of things I know about her.. we listened to her favorite song and danced like she would have danced.

We spoke about her first jobs and favorite “boost” drink and looked at her favorite colors. We looked at photos and printed off more for her photo album, the one that she keeps under her pillow and looks at every night before bed.

None of this comes even close to what she needs nor will it repair the damage done to her heart and soul.

Don’t pretend you’re cool with this heart ache. Don’t pretend you’re cut out for this.

Don’t for a second think you’ll heal this.

Don’t pretend this is okay.

Don’t pretend that this will heal your infertility grief.

Don’t pretend that these children didn’t deserve the absolute freaking world and instead got dealt you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that they are better off with you.

Don’t believe the lie that DNA doesn’t matter.

Don’t kid yourself that your friend’s cousin’s sister’s best friend who is adopted is “happy and thankful”

Don’t ever think you’ll be enough.

Photos on Social Media

I will admit that I have not been overly cautious about my privacy on social media. I’m a bit more cautious about my husband and children. I rarely mention names but on occasion have posted photos of my sons – but not frequently. Things become a bit more controversial when adoptees (especially young ones) are the focus.

I read this today and thought it was worth sharing here – Is it okay to share pictures of adopted children on secure/controlled social media, that’s managed by me until they are old enough to do it themselves, with only their biological family added to the account to view the pictures.

I’ve asked this question in other groups and the majority answer given by adoptees was NO, it’s not okay to share pictures of children on Social Media without their consent. I fully understand this and don’t want to do anything without the children giving consent. That said it did kind of turn into a lot of mixed things being said that I’ve been thinking about over the past few months.

The main rebuttals to not doing it were:

1. Children shouldn’t have their pictures shared without their consent. So much has already been done to adoptees without their consent and adoptive parents shouldn’t add to that.

2. Social Media is scary and can be used by malicious people for predatory reasons.

3. Once it’s on the internet it’s always there and the children might feel like they’ve been violated by so much being shared.

4. Some technology advice was given.

5. Social Media can easily lead to oversharing the adoptees story.

6. Many adoptive parents use their adoptive stories as click bait to get likes/self validation.

That said the majority of adoptees seemed to appreciate my rationale and saw that I was trying to build/maintain family connections. Because of that many gave suggestions for picture sharing such as:

1. Continue to text/email pictures

2. Continue to develop pictures and put them into photo albums and give them in person during meetups/etc.

I appreciate all the feedback I was given and have taken a few months to think it over. I’m still torn if I’m being honest and was hoping by providing clarification on my thoughts it might add insight and promote further discussion to aid my understanding/decision.

If I were to share on Social Media, it would be a locked account that everyone involved knows I’m managing until the children are old enough to take it over themselves. It would never be my personal social media. I’ve never shared anything on my personal social media aside from private groups and even then, I try my best to keep it vague because the entire world doesn’t need to know – not just my life, but so many other people’s personal business, especially the children involved.

My reasoning for still considering this is:

1. There are barriers to texting/emailing pictures such as data limits on phones, phone numbers changing, me never knowing if – me texting pictures when it’s a convenient time for me – might not be a convenient time for the person on the receiving side. I worry that therefore I might be causing harm despite having good intentions. Also, with email limits on how many pictures can be sent, even then, my program struggles to go through – no matter if I try on my phone or computer. With emails it forces me to use Dropbox at times and the pictures expire in 30 days. Also the second I send a text or email it can easily be uploaded to Social Media. Which I don’t mind, I don’t feel that it’s my place to try and set limits on what others do with pictures of their family. (I’m mindful of the pictures being sent and don’t send weird bathtub pictures or things like that.)

2. There are also barriers to sharing physical pictures. Anytime I’ve shared a picture by either text/email, I also get a physical copy made and do my best to get them to as many people as I can, when I can. Despite my best efforts there are some people who end up with a lot more than others. Asking family to meet up with an adoptive parent to see their family either in person or on calls isn’t an easy ask. Although it’s easy to assume that it’s good for them because at least they get something, it’s also very hard. I can’t imagine seeing your family, loving them, then seeing them cry when it’s time to go because they don’t get to go with you and have to go with their adoptive parent, or just having to see them leave with essentially a stranger, with or without tears. There are many reasons/possibilities but the fact is, I’m able to see conflicts with some more than others, therefore some get a lot of pictures and others don’t. Another barrier to physical pictures are that they can be lost. Also physical pictures can easily be scanned by any phone and shared to social media. If pictures are lost, there’s not much I can do other than reprint them. With scanned pictures there’s not much I can do, and again I don’t think it’s my place to try to tell someone what to do with pictures of their family.

3. There is also a huge bonus for me with sharing on Social Media. It would make it a lot easier for me to upload multiple pictures and share it with multiple people. Like everyone, I’ve got a lot going on. It’s easy for me to forget who got what pictures and accidentally leave someone out. If I could streamline my picture sharing process, it would give me more time to be present with the children, or not stay up late trying to do it all. I also wouldn’t have the worry/guilt of possibly forgetting someone. I’m fearful that I might say/do something to offend someone, therefore making it harder for them to want to deal with me in order to see the children while they are young and still need my help with facilitating all of this. I also think by sharing pictures with some of the people who haven’t been able to meetup with me and the children, for whatever reason, these would benefit too, and if their situation changes it might make it easier for them to contact me, therefore the children could possibly get more of their family.

With how fortunate we’ve been with having so many people who are willing to work with us, despite this being something no one involved wanted, I truly believe that my/our children will always have their family. I know as they get older they might feel differently about things. I don’t believe they would be upset about their pictures being shared with people they love, just like other non-adoptive kids don’t think much of their pictures being shared with their family & people they love. I could be wrong with that assumption though. I’ve involved them with picking out pictures, and who they are going to. They definitely don’t understand Social Media or the internet fully but they know their situation. They know when they were in foster care, the plan changed from reunification to adoption, that only changes things legally and no matter what – their family will always be exactly that, their family. When we think of things and explain them to the children it’s explained as there is my side of the family, my husband’s side of the family and their side of the family. They know their mom is their mom and I’m their adoptive mom, they know their aunts/uncles/grandparents and how they are related via Moms/Dads side. My intentions are to be as open, painfully honest and as factual as possible with them, always – even when I make mistakes and am wrong.

I’ve got some lived experiences being the daughter of an adoptee, who was forced to give her first child up to adoption in the Baby Scoop Era. I’m a former foster care young and now an adoptive parent. At times, all of this has given me insight/perspective but also it might hinder my current situation due to my own past. When I’ve asked this question in other adoptee led groups. The majority answer was no, don’t do it without consent, so I’ve respected their advice and haven’t done it. But there’s still a part of me that wants to. I’m not sure, if this is me challenging the status quo’s or if it’s really about me and my ego? I definitely like the idea of challenging the status quo because that’s what I’m always trying to do, but am not sure?

If you’ve made it through all of this I really appreciate the time it took you to read through all of this. Thank you for attempting to understand my perspective and offering any help.

One adoptee commented with this – Your assertion that your adopted children won’t mind their photos being shared because natural children don’t mind is weird. You have literally no way of knowing how they will feel as adults. We’ve made the choice not to share our recent child on social media and to stop posting our older child as well.

And she also offered this suggestion – We use a shared digital photo album. I have an iPhone and set up the album to share with all of our close friends and family. They can react the photos and leave comments, you can write captions on the photos too.

Withholding Sibling Contact

Though this happens all too often, it is generally believed that sibling relationships matter and that they are very important when a family has been fractured. So, today’s story is heart concerning.

I am an adoptive parent of 2 former foster care youths. They are not related to one another. The youngest just turned 5. When we were in the process of adopting her, the social worker told us she had other (half) siblings that were also in the system and about to be adopted with another sibling of theirs. We asked about any visits they had and the social worker said “Oh, they don’t even know about her. We never did any visits or anything, it doesn’t matter, they are going to be adopted to another family with their other younger half brother.” I’m not in agreement about them not needing to know.

Eventually, I was able to get their first names and the name of their other sibling. I did some internet digging, their names aren’t super common, so I literally googled their first names. This led me to an obituary that had them listed as grandchildren. Then, I jumped on social media and looked up the names of the children listed and came across a public Instagram account belonging to the adoptive father. He had some photos of the kids with their names, from when they first came into his home.

I sat on it for a bit but decided to reach out via direct message. I introduced myself and acknowledged this may come across as a strange message and mentioned that I wasn’t sure if they were aware of their sister’s existence (there’s an additional sibling now too). I said I’d like to connect the kids, if possible. I got a response that was just “please call me” with the phone number. I was in the middle of bedtime, so I said I’d message when I was done and if it wasn’t too late for them (different time zones), I’d call.

So I call, it’s a bit late, but they insisted. It was an odd call for a number of reasons. He did most of the talking. It was a 90 minute call. He did make a point of telling me that it’s not that he doesn’t think their other siblings aren’t important but that they continuously emphasize that the siblings they now live with are their “real” siblings and the only ones that really matter. I was a bit surprised at the amount of negative things he shared about them (these poor kids have been through a lot). As this was a first meeting, it felt awkward having him kind of airing their dirty laundry so-to-speak.

He kept saying he had to take back the reigns from the oldest, she had always acted like a mother hen, but he’s the parent and he’s in charge now. He also said they had some contact with another sibling (unrelated to our daughter), but they cut it off because it seemed like any time they had any reminder of anyone from their past, they would “all just act like stupid little jerks.”…Wow.

One thing I did find out was, they had almost zero information on the dad or any photos. I don’t have a ton of info, but the basics, name, birthday, home town and I do have some photos, so I agreed to share them and sent them over after the call.

It was pretty obvious from the conversation that he didn’t think it was a good idea for any contact now between the kids. What caught me off guard was the message I received the next morning…I realize I may be reading into this. But this is the response I got – Right now is not the right time for my kids to see or even interact with their younger sister. Pleases respect our privacy. The siblings still need to get on track and work through their own trauma. We can revisit this in 5 years (or more) when I think they are ready.

I agree his kids need to be his number one priority. But I wonder if denying any contact between the siblings for 5 or more years will have negative impact. In 5 years, my daughter will be 10, his kids will be 14 and 16. I’m also wondering how to best approach this with my daughter, as our older child does have a relationship with her brothers. She knows their names, she knows they exist, she’s seen like the 2 pictures I got from his social media, but it sounds like that’s going to be the end of the road for a while.

(We are supposed to start working with a trauma informed adoption competent therapist in the next few months but haven’t started yet as we’ve been on the wait list. We had someone else lined up but we didn’t continue with that one due to her stating how lucky they were to be adopted into our family.)

I’m curious about the experiences from both angles. Both if your adoptive parent withheld sibling contact and family information and from those that wanted it but were blocked by your sibling’s adoptive parents. The man has since either deleted his Instagram or has blocked me.

An adoptee that is also a former foster care youth responded – Reading this has made me so mad. I find it disgusting that people think it’s acceptable to adopt children and play god with their lives and determine what they have a right to know ABOUT THEMSELVES.

I would be honest and open with your little one from the get go. She has siblings, they live X with X, unfortunately, she can’t have contact right now due to circumstances beyond your control but you are trying to establish contact.

I would look to contact the adoption agency that placed them, try and contact them and have a formal attempt at establishing contact via those channels.

I’d also be looking at getting damages/compensation from Child Protective Services for not considering/proper management of placement. Not establishing sibling relationships and creating additional trauma.

I had 7 sibling who went in to care with me, and was only allowed contact with one. By the time I was 16, I had messaged them all on Facebook and went through a horrible and traumatic time.

I also discovered in my twenties I have a further 3 siblings who were in care that I don’t know the names or details about, and it makes me angry and sick everyday that there are people walking around and I don’t get to know them because of someone else’s selfish decisions.

That man is going to cause those children UNTOLD damage and based on the things you’ve shared, it’ll be a miracle if they’re still even with him, by the time they are 16.

Genetic Mirrors Matter

Today, I read an adoptee write – My biological grandmother died and I saw pictures posted. For the first time I’m my life. other than with the children I birthed, I saw someone I looked like. Her baby photos are me and my current toddler. Like zero question we are related.

I don’t like her because she had zero interest in me. But I can not tell you how healing it was, for the first time at 39 years old, to be like “oh I belonged to them”. I have literally felt like an alien, or fae or something my entire life because no one looked like me. Not even my full sister or 3 half siblings. No one on my father’s side at all. I do not even look like my biological mother. The ONLY thing I had previously identified were my teeth, being like my biological father’s mother. I look like I took her teeth out and put them in my mouth.

My oldest looks like me and it was so wonderful. But…it would have helped me soooo much as a child to have seen that photo. To know “oh here, you look like this person”. The point is that genetic mirrors matter. Even if I never had a relationship with her, I would have benefited so much to have known of this similarity, when I was yet young.

Blogger’s note – the first time I saw a photo of my mother’s first mom, I could see my middle sister in her facial appearance and body type. When I first found my cousin Laura, I was very reluctant to contact her. She looked so much like my youngest sister, who I am estranged from due to her mental health issues. While I understand the source of her behaviors, it is a kindness to my own self that I maintain distance from her. Thankfully, I really connected with Laura and thanks to her, I have a lot of photos of my dad’s mother, and even of his grandparents and his half-siblings, plus an aunt of his (my grandmother’s oldest sister who died young) who I am coincidentally named the same as.

I found a Huffington Post article about LINK>Family Resemblances by Rachael Rifkin from Jan 2015. Many different family members’ features can be found in one person’s face. It illustrates how many people it takes to create one person. She says, “the more we know about our family history, the more we know about ourselves.” I have certainly discovered that for myself, in my own family roots/origins journey. I found Rachael’s exploration fascinating.

A Mystery Solved Somewhat

I am fascinated by stories like this – which involve abandonment, adoption and a definite mystery. Today’s blog is courtesy of a story in The Guardian – LINK>Three abandoned children, two missing parents and a 40-year mystery by Giles Tremlett.

A two-year-old girl along with her brothers ages four and five were abandoned at the Estación de Francia, the grand railway terminus in Barcelona Spain. The children did not even know their own surnames. They knew that they had recently lived in Paris France. At first, they were taken to an orphanage in Barcelona. Three days later, they were moved to a care home for vulnerable children in the center of the city.

A few weeks later, in May, an educational psychologist named Marisa Manera saw a photograph of Elvira and her brothers pinned to a board in a district office of Barcelona’s social services. “We are seeking information on these three children,” read an accompanying note. A business card with the care home’s number was pinned to it. Marisa and her husband, a teacher named Lluís Moral, had fostered children before, and they offered the three siblings a temporary home. The children moved in at the end of June.

In 1986, Marisa and Lluís formally adopted Elvira and her brothers, giving them the surnames Moral Manera (Spaniards receive one from each parent). “They got the three-kid family they had always wanted,” Elvira, now a slender 41-year-old woman with dark eyes, dyed silver hair and a chevron tattoo on one knuckle, told me. This was shared good fortune, since the children enjoyed a happy, loving a middle-class childhood in an apartment in Barcelona.

Elvira developed a firm conviction that character is formed more overwhelmingly by nurture, rather than nature. In 2014, Elvira had a son with her partner, Marco. During her pregnancy, Elvira started to feel unsettled by how little she knew about her biological family. In December 2020, she made an attempt to answer her questions with a MyHeritage DNA test. Yet, answers proved elusive.

In March 2021, Elvira was interviewed by Catalan radio station, RAC-1, for an early-evening talkshow, Islàndia. Many people responded but it was hard to judge who was trustworthy and who was not. She came to rely on a new friend, Montse Del Río, a 51-year-old forensic doctor who had heard her story on the radio. Another volunteer, a French-speaking 54-year-old amateur criminologist called Carmen Pastor, made the first breakthrough two months after the radio broadcast.

By the evening, Carmen had the information she needed. “I’ve just spoken to your second cousin. She explained that there were three missing children, and that the eldest was called Ramón.” Her father was also called Ramón and her mother Rosario. They were Spaniards, from Seville and Madrid. Elvira always thought her parents were French.

During a video chat with her “discovered” relatives, a photograph of an elderly woman was held up. It was their grandmother Inés, who had died in 2013. Photos the man and woman turned out to be who their parents were. For the first time since she was a toddler, Elvira was looking at her parents. There is much more in The Guardian article, if you’ve become intrigued as I did. That article will explain the Eiffel Tower tattoo – the image I selected to illustrate this story.

A Potential Egg Donor Asks

A woman asked for perspectives today in my all things adoption group (basically they are about 100% against and I understand why). Here is her story –

Since before I was an adult even I have felt so sure I wanted to donate eggs, the desire and resolve only grew stronger over about a decade but I wanted to have my own child first. Now I have and coincidentally found this group around the same time. It has made me completely rethink egg-donation. I had a kid and I don’t have much time left to decide due to age, so I have to decide. I know there are some donor-conceived people in this group as well and I’d so so much appreciate your thoughts on whether it’s even an ethically okay thing to do? Anyone that wants to can answer of course. Would I inevitable cause trauma to the resulting child by donating eggs?

Extra info in case it matters to anyone’s perspective: I live in a country where I won’t get paid for it except medical expenses covered, and the law says the children will get their donor’s identity if they want at 18. The family services and all related health and social carers (they are excellent here) will strongly encourage all recipients to tell their children of how they came to be from the very start.

Here is my own response –

I can only speak from experience. Back in 1998, after 20 years in a marriage where the understanding was that he was glad I had been there, done that (I have a grown daughter and 2 grandchildren from my first marriage), my husband sprang on me that he wanted to have children after all. We did ovulation predictors, were referred to a doctor who does assisted reproduction and got a booster shot when I saw my last egg. No pregnancy resulted. Then, he told us about another way – egg donation.

We did everything ourselves. Vetted potential donors by email. One said something that reminded my husband of something I would say. We chose her. She already had 3 children of her own. But she had promised another couple first. In the end, they treated her very badly and I thought she would change her mind about us but she did not.

We have always respected her and what she did for our family. After our first donor conceived son was born, my husband immediately wanted another. I had a cycle between our two boys where my womb failed to develop a good lining and had a D&C. Our donor moved from the location of the first doctor – who only did 4 procedures that year with only one success – ours. We followed her to the new location with a doctor who was one of the first in this country to do these procedures. We succeeded in having our second son. Donating was not physically easy for her. We did what we could to alleviate what we could post-extraction.

Our boys have met her more than once. I show them pictures of her or her children sometimes via Facebook because distance prohibits a closer relationship. She did 23 and Me, so I bought a kit for my husband, then for our oldest son and then for our youngest son. She is shown as their genetic mother there. 23 and Me provides a private messaging channel should they want to communicate with her. She has said she is open to that. I send her photos about once a year and updates when appropriate.

I’ve only known about issues related to donor conception since I went on my first roots discovery journey in 2017 after my parents died (they were BOTH adoptees). Fortunately, we have been honest with our sons about their conception since day 1. The 23 and Me results allowed us to fully discuss their conception now that they are much older and more mature. They understand they would not exist otherwise.

Knowing what I do know about in utero bonding, I am grateful they gestated in me, I breastfed them each for 1 year + and I have been in their lives pretty much 24/7. They are now 18 and 21 and seem well adjusted. Only twice have they indicated their perspectives to us – once my older son asked if he was supposed to be grateful to her – we said No, but we are. The younger one asked if she was his mother at a very young age. I explained that I am his mother but that without her, we would not have him.

I think the respect we have for her and she has for us has been an important factor. I think our willingness to be transparent with our sons was crucial. Back in 2000, some of the mom’s in my donor egg mothers group chose not to tell. With the advent of inexpensive DNA testing and matching, I wonder what their experiences have been and whether they have any regrets but we don’t communicate as frequently or openly as we once did.

Second Family Confusion ?

From an adoptive mother who has attempted an open adoption, which now appears in danger of becoming closed.

So birth mom requested before the adoption that we take annual photos together, our whole family along with her and her son. At the time we were fine with it, we’ve embraced her and her son as an extended part of the family and had no issue with us all having photos together. Well, here we are second year of photos and birth mom bought our daughter a dress for her birthday to wear. She told me about it and I thought it was so sweet. What she didn’t tell me was that her dress was going to match our daughter’s. She shows up with these “mommy and me dresses” for photos we are suppose to take as a family. Totally thrown of guard and didn’t say anything about it. Definitely bothered me though as I feel like that can be really confusing for my daughter as she gets older.

Second issue is that her birth mom is taking photos of our daughter with her biological son alone. I feel like this can be super confusing for a child also. She will see our family photos when we get together with birth mom and brother. Photos with her “second family”. The whole feels wrong to me.

Am I wrong in not being okay with these two scenarios? Like both of these cross boundaries and could be confusing for a young kid right? I don’t want her growing up thinking she has a third parent or another family like that. I guess I’m just looking for validation in my thought process before we address it with birth mom. It would be cute, if that was her mom but she isn’t, I am – and she didn’t even ask me if I’d be okay with it.

On response immediately noticed this red flag of insecurity – if she “was her mom but she isn’t . . .” Actually she is her mom and always will be. Such insecurity and denial of reality. When will adoptive parents learn that the biological parent IS mom and dad ? That never changes. These are the adoptive mom and adoptive dad. That is all the amended birth certificate did – give them rights of authority. It didn’t change the facts of the child’s biology.

Someone else pointed out what may be the crux of the issue – Wearing matching matching dresses with her mother, taking photos with her mother and little brother, are not confusing to that little girl. What is likely confusing to her (and what her adoptive mother doesn’t want to try to explain and justify to her because she knows it doesn’t hold up to scrutiny) is why can her little brother live with her mother, and not her ? The adoptive mother may not even understand what troubles her. This is not as uncommon as it may seem when an unwed mother gives up her first born and then later goes on to have other children. My paternal grandmother was one like that.

AND, why can’t she live with her biological mom ?! Because a selfish adult got attached to someone else’s child, and now that the mother is in a better position it doesn’t matter because the adopter/purchaser/adult; who should be able to manage their feelings appropriately; has the money and the power in the situation, and won’t let them go. This is why it is often suggested to a vulnerable expectant mother NOT to use a permanent solution to what may only be a temporary problem.

A reality check for the adoptive mother – Children need to know that they are loved by their parents! She’ll need the photos of her family. She’ll need the photos of herself and her brother. She’ll need the photos of herself and her mother. If you’re truly thinking of your adopted daughter, then you would understand why those photos should be the most talked about pictures framed in her room. It isn’t about you and your feelings. Think about how she will feel years from now finding out that you stopped contact because her MOTHER purchased mommy and me dresses ? Can you live with the hate, the backlash, the anger, THE TRAUMA!! That’s selfish. Are you really that blinded by a piece of legal paperwork ? Do you not see that it is ONLY a piece of paper and that baby has her mother’s DNA running through her veins! You do understand that there is absolutely nothing that anyone (including a judge) can do to change that ? Or are you really that selfish and controlling that you can’t see passed yourself and your own emotions ?

Lament and Repentance

From an adoptive parent’s perspective –

We became foster parents to “help the whole family” and adopted our son (met him at 5 weeks in the NICU, brought him home at 6 weeks, adopted him at 2 years). He was our 8th placement- some families we were able to be helpful towards more than others, I can see my failures or ignorance too.

We have kept a private Facebook page to keep biological parents updated with pictures and an ability to message. Some family members have a recent relationship with our son, and I feel like we have all gained family. BUT, the biological parents aren’t safe (actively using drugs).

I hear you adoptee’s. I hear how you hate adoption. I hear your lack of control, choice, autonomy. Hating that your name was changed, lost culture, lost history, lack of belonging, desire for real change in the system and legislation. I hear you. Your feelings are valid and real. Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to learn and gain understanding and mourn with you.

As an adoptive parent, I sit in lament and repentance – over my ignorance (even after lots of books and trainings), my savior/rescuer habits and mentality, my selfishness and self centered ness. And I’m just sad with you, and sad with my child.

My question…What were things said to you/done/moments of clarity or understanding that helped you bond and attach to your adoptive parents? I understand it’s a journey and a process, but I still want emotional health and intelligence for my teen.

PS – have been in therapy with an adoption specialist for 3 years.

From an adoptee in response –

Do you have any idea how hard it is to love yourself as an adoptee ? F*** your bonding. Kids will bond to others when their brain says it’s safe. And some don’t at all. At the end of the day, the child may never naturally attach to you but that isn’t saying they won’t naturally attach to others. Trying to have those children identify non-biologicals as being the traditional family roles, when they do not actually fit (mom, dad, etc) is not helping make the kids feel like part of your family. It’s an attempt to replace the family they already have. It’s easier for you but it’s harmful for them. Look into support groups for kids of addicts. Keep learning more about active addiction and what is a threat and what is not. Actively support and promote a bond with the original parents, while teaching your adoptee boundaries and healthy coping.

Both Genders Drive Adoption

For some time now, my husband has been making use of old photos to create slide shows as a screen saver. I enjoy looking at these . . . memories. One of my current favorites is of my husband lying on his chest looking at our oldest son as a 3 month old infant lying on the bed. They are both smiling at one another. Clearly, there is a real connection between them, an energy. And it is true, while my husband does honestly love both of his sons, he does a lot of work around our farm with the older boy. They seem to be in-sync so well. Of course, the older one, now 21 years old, is more mature but over the last several years, they have replaced roofs, planted trees and both worked for the 2020 Census and could share stories each night when they got home. Just as I saw with my in-laws respect for my husband’s opinions, there is a respect on my husband’s part for each of his sons’ perspectives. It is a beautiful thing to see. For my part, I am inspired by both of them and who and how they are developing into maturity.

Becoming a father came at the right time for my husband in his own maturity. When we first married (my second marriage), he was not interested in having children. He was glad I had been there and done that – so no pressure on him. And it is also true that because I gave birth to my daughter at the age of 19, I had already known motherhood. Indeed, she has made me a grandmother twice. She was there for me each time one of my parents died (only 4 months apart) and through the challenges of being the executor of their estate, including giving me the benefit of her expertise in real estate selling and negotiating the final contract with a buyer.

Even though my early motherhood was a good experience for me, I was totally blown away when after 10 years of marriage, my husband did a 180 on me and wanted to become a father. Unfortunately, it turned out that age had produced in me secondary infertility and we had to turn to assisted reproduction and an egg donor to have our sons. 20 years ago, no one saw inexpensive DNA testing and the matching sites 23 and Me as well as Ancestry becoming so popular in use. Fortunately, we have handled the situation of having two donor conceived sons as well as any ignorant parents could (both had the same genetic sources and so, are true genetic and biological siblings). By handling the situation, I mean we have always been honest about their conceptions with our sons. They really did need to become older to understand the details. Getting their DNA tested at 23 and Me (where their egg donor also had her DNA tested) gave us the opening to fully describe the details, which does not seem to have troubled them at all. Before we had theirs tested, I also gifted my husband with a kit from 23 and Me.

For me, having lost the privilege of actually raising my daughter when she was 3 years old due to my own poverty and her father’s unwillingness to pay child support (and even so, he ended up paying for her support by raising her himself) – these second chance opportunities to prove I could mother children throughout their growing up years has been a true blessing for me. Experiencing motherhood now has healed much – including a decision to have an abortion after my daughter’s birth and the subsequent discovery that I carried the hep C virus – thanks to pre-treatment testing related to my oldest son’s conception. (BTW, this week I will finally complete, after living with this virus for over 20 years, a very expensive treatment regime which required a grant for the co-pay as well as Medicare Part D because otherwise, I still could not have afforded to have that virus treated).

All this just to share that this morning, I was reading an accusation about infertile women driving adoptions. One woman noted this – “we seem to be letting the guys off scot-free. The dudes who want a Daddy’s Little Girl or to play football with their own Mini-Me. I am not saying that childless woman are not a huge factor in the adoption industry, but I am saying that we live in a patriarchy and men also have a macho thing going on from birth … carrying on the family name, the stereotypical being the breadwinner for their very own brood instead of watching other guys’ families from the sidelines as a failure. And sometimes it isn’t the woman’s inability but the guys’ faulty minnows and that is definitely a macho & emasculating situation that they can rectify by sheer force (IVF or adoption are ways no one else will really be the wiser if they keep these secrets). They can be saviors and still be Daddy Dearest at the same time win-win.”

I know that in the case of infertility, the “blame” is statistically equal – one-third of infertility cases are caused by male reproductive issues, one-third by female reproductive issues, and one-third by both male and female reproductive issues or by unknown factors according to the National Institutes of Health. Clearly in our case, because 50% of each of our son’s DNA clearly establishes that their father’s sperm did the deed, the problem was my age. We didn’t start our efforts until I was already 46 years old.

Don’t Do This

Adoption is traumatic. I don’t care who you are or where you came from. In 99% of cases, these kids would choose a shit life at home with their real parents vs their adoptive parents.

The “got ya” attitude reeks of a savior complex. Why do you need to celebrate?

Their parents failed for some reason. They lost their parents that day. It is not the time to wear tacky shirts for BS likes from all your church friends. It’s tacky. It’s trashy and only serves you.

If you wear those god awful shirts you’re serving yourself and further traumatizing your new child with all the photos you’ll take to commemorate this.

Those signs for kids out of foster care are also clueless and without true feelings because kids in foster care don’t think like that. Those X amount of days since they were in foster care is the remembrance of the day their trauma started. Don’t memorialize it !!

Even adoptees who were adopted as early as 7 days after birth, hate their birthdays because that was the day they were abandoned.

Just don’t do it. In either case, these are not a day of celebration for the child at the center of the reason.