Tag: Post-Partum Depression

Post-Partum Depression

Giving a baby after giving birth is not the end of the story for many birth mothers. To be fair, there are a lot of links about adoptive mothers suffering post-adoption depression. Mostly due to unrealistic expectations about getting what they wanted. Some become depressed because adopting didn’t fix their underlying issues. Few think about the birth mother after she gives up her baby. Post adoption depression is the depression that a woman feels when her child is adopted away from her.

The reported rate of clinical postpartum depression (PPD) among new mothers is between 10-20%. In many cases of postpartum depression occurs within four to six weeks after birth because of the extreme hormonal changes; however, symptoms can appear up to 18 months after birth. Many birth mothers believe that they can’t experience postpartum depression after adoption. However, postpartum depression after adoption is as common. 

I found content at this website – LINK>Texas Adoption Center – helpful for discussing the issue. There is much more there than I have time to cover in this blog today.

What are the signs that you are experiencing post-partum depression after giving up your baby ? Postpartum depression is defined as an episode of major depression associated with childbirth. Almost 600,000 women are diagnosed with postpartum each year and many cases of PPD go undiagnosed and untreated.

The symptoms of regular and delayed PPD are the same. However, the symptoms of postpartum depression and the “baby blues” are different. The “baby blues” refers to the feelings of sadness, worry, fatigue, and self-doubt that nearly 80% of birthmothers feel after delivery. This typically only lasts for a few days or weeks and resolves on its own. 

In postpartum depression, estrogen and progesterone levels decrease significantly after delivery. As you work to balance the physical and emotional demands of giving birth and placing your baby for adoption, these changes can affect the chemistry of your brain. Physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, self-esteem issues, and the emotions of making the best decision for you and your baby play a significant role in developing delayed PPD. Postpartum depression after adoption is similar to other episodes of depression that can occur during life. While the “baby blues” typically go away within 10-14 days, PPD is characterized by a daily loss of interest and joy in life that lasts. 

The most common signs include:

  • Loss of interest in activities you used to enjoy
  • Weight gain or loss that isn’t associated with your diet
  • Changes in your appetite
  • Unexplained crying or constant crying
  • Fatigue
  • Loss of energy
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or hopelessness
  • Changes in your sleep patterns
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts 

In addition to talking to a doctor or therapist (postpartum depression is a medical condition), you can be kind to yourself. Focus on your health and well-being. Don’t isolate yourself and be patient as you process such a major event in your lifetime.

Usually No Support

Today’s story from a Natural mom, in reunion –

I saw my therapist this morning and he keeps saying I need to forgive myself. I just don’t know how. I placed my son when he was 5 months old and I was 17. I now know that I had extreme post-partum depression and a shitty support system. He (26 now) says that his adoptive parents were great, but he was so angry and rebellious as a kid. I just have so many regrets. His adoptive parents gave him my contact info when he turned 18. We saw each other and talked a lot for several years, but now he is married and his wife thinks I’m a horrible person, so I rarely talk to him now and haven’t seen him in 4 years. I also have 4 daughters that I raised. I’m looking for advice and practical ways to truly learn how to forgive myself. The pain is still so overwhelming sometimes.

blogger’s note – I actually replied on this one – It can be hard. While my situation is not the same, I continue to struggle with feelings that I did not do “right” by my daughter. Though never my intention (I left her with her paternal grandmother for temporary care while I tried to earn some financial support for us by driving an 18-wheel truck cross-country with a partner), her dad ended up with her and he remarried a woman with a daughter and they had a daughter together. I thought this was giving her the kind of home I could not. I only learned recently (she just turn 50 yesterday) that life in that family was not as good as I had thought – mostly because of her dad (like, yeah, I guess I should have known having been married to the man). Anyway, though we do have a good relationship, I continue to struggle with the feelings I have about it all. Yes, I did the best I could at the time and it had unintended consequences. Keep working on your “reasons” and “feelings”. Understanding changes over time but we can never regain all that we lost.

One adoptee writes – I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Coming from the opposite perspective, I WISH my natural mother was like you and wanted contact with me and cared enough to try. You can’t change the past, only the present and the future, so you must focus on those. Keep working on your relationship with him, I guarantee it matters to him. As much as I begrudge my natural mother for rejecting me twice, I would never wish her to feel guilt all her life. You are worthy and deserving of peace.

Another commenter wrote – When looking back at our decisions, we come to judge ourselves very harshly based on what we know after the fact. But this isn’t fair. All you had at the time was your depressed brain and other influences telling you that you couldn’t care for him. You had deep love and care for him all along with no way to properly give it. I am so sorry for that. But you should forgive yourself in order to move forward. It might feel like it’s too late but it’s not. His wife doesn’t want him to feel pain, but if you keep up a healthy and consistent relationship, I think she will come around. Wishing you the best. 

From another natural mother – I completely get this. When I feel especially shitty about what happened, I try to remind myself I was a young teenager and I didn’t know what I know now. But it honestly doesn’t help much. I try to forgive myself. I know intellectually that I had no outside support and didn’t feel I had a choice. I still feel shitty. I read what adoptees say here, and I’m so sorry that my son has to live this life that he had no choice in. I feel extremely guilty and regretful.

From a father who is also an adoptee – Write a forgiveness letter to your younger self. Get it out on paper that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Take the letter and burn it as a symbol of letting go. Carrying the guilt, grief and possibly shame isn’t helping you or anyone. I am also a reunited absentee father from my son. We have a connection but it takes work.

I loved this perspective – I’m also working on loving myself and forgiving myself with my therapist. It sounds weird, but the biggest mindshift that’s actually worked for me is viewing my past actions as if they were of a close friend instead of my own. And in a way, you’ve grown and changed so much, you truly are a different person from past you. So anyway, if you’re anything like me (or most people, from what my therapist says), then you say things to yourself that you would NEVER say to a friend. It takes work to think that way, and I have to stop myself mid-thought sometimes, but I really think it’s starting to help. Sometimes I’ll even imagine what I would say to my best friend if she were coming to me with the same concerns I have about my own past.

Another shares her own mantra – “We are all doing the best we can with what we have.” This does not excuse us from committing to the hard work of doing better in the present and future, but it allows us to accept our past selves (and others!) as we were.

One person notes this truth – Adoption was promoted as a fantasy for the child. There was no public criticism if it. At 17, you were totally at the mercy of the adults around you. Don’t hold yourself responsible, when the industry was designed to prey on you. One adoptee notes – adoption is a societal failure, not the parents’ failure.