Tag: Poverty

Stupid Reasons

From a foster parent – I recently had a teen placed with me. This teen was removed for stupid reasons, cannot be placed with kin for more stupid reasons, she wants to be with her family, family is safe and caring and there is really no reason she should have been removed (except poverty=neglect and racism). She was placed with me so that she could keep in contact with family and do visits since they’re in the same city as I am. CPS or DCFS or whatever are saying that she cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone in her family, and there is one person in particular she is not to have any contact with at all. But these people are not dangerous and she wants to spend time with them.

My question is, how should I allow or not allow contact with these people ? I have already said that the family members, besides the one prohibited one, can spend the night here and be here whenever I’m here, because that’s allowed. But I’m wondering, do you all think I should allow unrestricted contact with these people, even if CPS says it’s not allowed ? Any difference in advice for the prohibited family member ? If I allow unrestricted contact and we get caught, the consequences for her are much greater than for me. She, at least for now, seems willing to follow the rules and won’t have contact, if I tell her she can’t. But I hate to tell her she can’t, when there’s really no danger, as far as I can tell. I’ve hinted to her that she’s allowed to go out on her own, and she doesn’t have to tell me where she’s going, so that’s what we’re doing for now. One time I drove her to her family member’s house and stayed outside in the car while she went in, so she had privacy with them but I was still kind of there. My thinking is that I don’t want her sneaking around trying to see them, and I don’t want her to feel guilty for wanting to be with her family, and if she hadn’t been removed (which she shouldn’t have been), she’d have full access to them.

Some responses –

From a Guardian Ad Litem – My feedback is a pretty strong no – I LOVE what you’re doing here, and honestly if I were the CASA on your case and knew about this, I’d strongly consider keeping your secret. But these conditions are non-optional in my area (and we have stupid arrangements too, but I’ve never had one quite this bad) and you are going to be at very high risk of losing the placement (and possibly your license) if they find out about this. This child is unlikely find another placement as child-centered as you, and in my area she might end up sleeping in the social worker’s office for days or weeks. I think you tell this young person that you are willing to do everything within the limits of the system to help, but you agreed to respect these constraints. You’re enforcing them because you value the child and their safety/stability of your placement, NOT necessarily because you feel they’re just. That distinction will not be lost on a teen.

From a Kinship Carer – You are playing a dangerous game, if you knowingly allow unsupervised contact. Her next placement will very very likely not be so kind. Whatever the stupid reason that the one person is totally no contact, abide by it. For the others, having them over while you are in another room is wonderful. Sitting outside in the car is likely not enough to constitute “supervision.” I’ve been in your position. It is very frustrating to spend hours and hours discreetly “supervising” (from another room) so as to not interfere and to allow the family normalcy. But weigh your light level of supervise vs what most placements would do and continue to follow the rules as lightly as you can. And hope that the family does their tasks, so she can go home sooner rather than later.

From an Adoptive Parent – If you do not follow DHS visitation plan restrictions that will be seen as failure to protect…she will likely be removed…and your home will likely be closed…sometimes they will accept she “snuck out” but if they decide otherwise – it is likely teen will be labeled a flight risk and it is likely that they will remove her. She will find herself in a shelter unable to see anyone…I had a teen who would run away often. There were a few times they made her go to a shelter or another home and would not allow her back with me…ultimately however, she did age out of my home.

From a Kinship Guardian – I feel like letting a trusted teen go out does falls within reasonable and prudent care (especially if you’re told a destination. Even one that turns out to be inaccurate) , but if it comes up that you probably knew the forbidden family was being visited against case rules, you run the risk of losing your license. It’s up to you to decide if that risk is worth it. Your heart is absolutely in the right place.

From an Adoptee – Even the child knows she should follow the rules. You need to follow the rules. Be a good example. We may not always like the rules but we will hate the consequences of not following them a whole lot more.

From a Foster Parent – Being a foster parent sucks. So many rules and hardly ever in the best interest of the kids. She mentions LINK>Life360. which I had never heard of. Life360 offers advanced driving, digital, and location safety features and location sharing for the entire family.

Another one recommends – I would not stretch the confines of the foster care plan. Stick to the rules. If she wants to go home – her best chance of getting there is by sticking to the rules.

Another Foster Parent writes – Do not violate court order. She will be removed and you will lose your license. Continue to advocate with her caseworker and GAL. Know that she will probably try to go around the restrictions. As long as you are not actively encouraging or enabling it, then it is OK. We have had that happen before. We had teenagers use their phones to be in contact with people they are not supposed to be in contact with. They typically understand that this is what teenagers will do, but if they find out that you are facilitating and encouraging it, it’s all over. And the next foster home may not be as understanding as you are. What we have done is supervised visits where we could see, but not hear them. Depending on the level of supervision required. Then we are able to advocate strongly that visits can move to unsupervised because of how well they are going. We’ve been able to get visits, moved to unsupervised within a visit or two.

An Adoptive Parents asks a question that was on my own mind – how old the teen is in this situation ? Are you trying to run out the clock for a 17 year old or is she 13, with many critical years ahead ? Also is there a reunification plan in place ? Because never mind your own license, you are aiding and abetting something that undermines the actual reunification of the child with her family. You could be ruining the family’s chances to reunite ! Your heart is in the right place but you have to play by their rules and learn to play the game to speed up reunification. And that’s what I would be telling your foster child too. Learn to play the game, voice the frustration with the system, find ways to take back control where you/she can within the confines of the limitations they’ve imposed, find ways to help the family reunite and focus your frustrations and energy there, rather than trying to sneak around it.

From a Foster Parent – Contact the teen’s GAL and encourage them to advocate for family placement/more contact/etc. While it took a while, I’ve seen this work in the long run. That and continue to encourage visitations with family and then report back to everyone (CPS, foster care, GAL, etc) how well things are going and your thoughts on reunification. You can help the teen to advocate for themselves as well. Depending on their age, they could maybe write a letter to the judge or even speak for themselves in court.

Another Adoptee writes – Honestly this is where you ask her, if she would like to help fight the broken system with you by her side. This type of case (poverty, racism) should be investigated further and should be fought head on, to make changes, instead of sneaking around the system.

A Foster Parent writes – In the system, life is a long hard road. You need to model pushing back against injustices, without breaking the law. The foster care to prison pipeline is hard to avoid – the last thing she needs is a shove. Push reunification and push unsupervised visits, but also chill.

Lastly from one more Foster Parent – Great foster parents, in my opinion, bend rules – but don’t break them. They also advocate/ask hard questions and push people like the caseworker and GAL or CASA to be able to defend why the rules are currently what they are. For instance, maybe supervision is required. Zoom has an option to record, so we just sent the link to the caseworker for documentation, though I doubt they ever opened it. It was still far from ideal, but it allowed a bond to continue and allowed us to show consistent appropriate contact which, I believe, allowed boundaries to be moved more quickly. Try to think out of the box with the rules given to you. Can she have contact with the person who is allowed absolutely no contact, if it’s in a therapeutic setting ? Are you willing to provide transportation ? Those types of things. It is still your legal obligation to follow the rules and keep your teen safe. I certainly wouldn’t risk your license to do so, or risk adding the additional trauma of a move, or a possible change of placement further from friends and family, etc.

National Former Foster Youth Month

Cindy Olsen McQuay

I didn’t even know but my all things adoption community appreciates the voices of former foster care youth as much as it does adoptees. So I saw the graphic and then read – May is National Former Foster Youth Month. A month when former foster youth use our voices. As a demographic of the population expected to be grateful for being “saved”, it high time we spoke up and corrected the perception that society has about our situations.

When I googled it though, that was not the focus even though it should be. I saw focus on foster parents and adoptions. One year, wanting to learn more about foster care as I have no experience with the system (I only see stories about it), anyway I found a book – LINK>Foster Girl, A Memoir by Georgette Todd. That certainly expanded my awareness by seeing things through one person’s experiences as told in the written word.

In California the counties with the highest median incomes have the lowest number of children in foster care, and vice versa. The poorest counties have the highest number of children in foster care. If the stipends that are used to employ other people to care for the children of poor families were used to help create families with less generational trauma, while minimizing the stigma throughout society of being on government assistance, we as society would be wholly better off.

Please take the time this month to amplify the voices of former foster youth, listen to what we have had to endure, and consider ways in which our suffering does not have to be carried into the future.

From Chris Chmielewski, LINK>Foster Focus – I love May. I love learning what foster care groups are passionate about this year. Then June 1st will appear and we disappear from your consciousness. We go back to being the first or last story on the newscast. We become the story on your newsfeed you pass by. We fade back into the background. That isn’t the case for me. I run the nation’s only monthly foster care magazine, Foster Focus. I am a former foster kid. I care about the kids in care and the kids who age out, get too old for the state to care for, every single day. Every month is foster care month for me because it deserves to be.

He goes on to note – Kids will still enter foster care at age 9, on average, and stay in care for more than two years. Traumatized kids will still be misdiagnosed and given psychotropic medications they don’t need. There will still be kids who will attend 10 schools and move to a dozen homes while in care. Kids in care will still fuel the pipeline that is Human Trafficking. 

When they leave care, they will populate your prisons, somewhere in the neighborhood of 40-70 percent of all prisoners spent time in foster care, depending on the source. They will fill your streets. Former foster kids account for nearly 50 percent of the homeless population in this country. They aren’t going to go away just because the calendar says it is summer. The road ahead is long and filled with the obstacles that thwart progress. 

Enforcement Inequality

Back when we were expecting my oldest son, I really wanted a homebirth. I had been knocked out for my daughter’s birth and I really wanted to experience my next birth fully. Sadly, it was not to be. I was eventually convinced that the risk of passing on the hepC virus was greater with vaginal birth, than with a cesarean. Though deeply disappointed, it mattered to me not to pass on the virus (which I only recently was cured of). During the pregnancy, I became a member of the Friends of Missouri Midwives because midwifery was illegal in Missouri and they were working hard to get midwives accredited in my state.

This is why a recent story about a Black couple caught my attention. You can read the latest in The Guardian at this LINK>‘Family policing system’: how the US criminalizes Black parenting. Temecia Jackson told the story of the moment when police officers and child protection services agents had “stolen” her baby from her Dallas home. Her story was about how her newborn baby was taken from her because she opted to follow a midwife’s recommendation over a physician’s. Dr Anand Bhatt was concerned the family had the wrong idea about the treatment he recommended. Therefore, Bhatt wrote in a letter to child protective services (CPS) indicating that he had trouble getting in touch with the family.

The story has sparked outrage across the country. The family policing system is a structurally racist apparatus that disproportionately separates Black and Indigenous children from their families, one that traces its origins to chattel slavery, according to Dorothy Roberts, a University of Pennsylvania law professor. She is also the author of Torn Apart: How the Child Welfare System Destroys Black Families – and How Abolition Can Build a Safer World.

Temecia chose to give birth at home with a licensed midwife. Her daughter Mila Jackson was born on March 21st. Mila had developed a severe case of jaundice. The family chose to pursue the treatment recommended by Dr Bhatt at home with their midwife. Mila remains in a foster home. The family’s next hearing has been delayed until April 20th.

I believe I have previously written about another case in this blog. That would be the one related to Bianca Clayborne and Deonte Williams’s five children. Tennessee authorities “kidnapped” their children in February after a highway police officer stopped the family as they drove to Chicago for a funeral and found a small amount of marijuana in their car. The couple has since regained custody of their children but the kids spent more than a month and a half traumatized in foster care.

Roberts believes that the inequality in enforcement actions is due to the racial stereotyping of Black families, who are seen as unfit to take care of their own children. Black families are disproportionately impoverished and therefore encounter a child welfare system that, Roberts added, was designed “to handle the problems and struggles of impoverished families and to handle them in a very punitive and a cruel way by accusation, investigations and separation – and in many cases, termination of parental rights.” Temecia Jackson and her family’s conflict with their doctor in Texas about their newborn’s medical treatment raised a similar question about whether the Black parents’ decision-making – to choose at-home care instead of hospital care – had been devalued, Roberts added.

I would note here also that my grandson had jaundice after birth and was successfully treated AT HOME using phototherapy. This is treatment with a special type of light (not sunlight) which is used to treat newborn jaundice. The light makes it easier for the baby’s liver to break down and remove the bilirubin from the baby’s blood. Phototherapy aims to expose the baby’s skin to as much light as possible.

Family Preservation

This is the topic my heart wanted to write about yesterday but I just didn’t have time to do it justice. Then, today I saw a post by a FB adoptee friend on the topic and thought I really need to address this today. These kinds of coincidences always have an impact on me.

After sharing that she still struggles to heal the deep seated abandonment wound within her. She ends her story with “Family preservation. Even if that family is just a mother and her baby. These are the seeds we should be planting today if we want a better future for our children and grandchildren. We can find a better way to care for children whose family won’t or can’t.”

In googling around on the topic, yesterday, I found what is usually the argument against LINK>Fatal Preservation in something called the City Journal. The author, Dennis Saffran is a Queens-based appellate attorney, writer, and former GOP candidate for the New York City Council. Okay, I know. There are situations where the parents are so damaged themselves that they are not good for their own children. No one who cares about kids would suggest that there are not some situations where the children do need to be removed for their own safety. It is true that any good thing can be taken to extremes.

Dennis notes – “It is hard to imagine a more conservative-sounding name for a social policy than family preservation. But in fact, those on the Left who are usually the most hostile to ‘family values’ and parental rights have shaped the policy into its present form and are its most vehement and dogmatic advocates. Family preservation is a classic example of a seemingly sensible and humane liberal reform gone awry because of the ideological single-mindedness of its supporters. The policy now badly hurts those it was meant to help.”

Even so, a rational application of family preservation and reunification efforts by the child welfare agencies in our states has merit. It is true, sometimes parents are not given the time they truly need to address their various issues. A rush to move cases through the courts does cause a miscarriage of what really does need to happen to keep families together.

As a movement, LINK>Family Preservation is actually fairly old (dating back to the 1890s) but has been poorly and improperly applied at times. Family preservation was the movement to help keep children at home with their families rather than in foster homes or institutions. This movement was a reaction to the earlier policy of family breakup, which pulled children out of unfit homes. Extreme poverty alone was seen as a justified reason to remove children.

And that still happens today – poverty is often the main reason that children are removed from their biological, genetic parents. I did like this article in Huffington Post on the topic – LINK>Lifting Families Out of Poverty, One Crib at a Time by Katherine Snider.

She notes – “There are too many stories of need in this country. And nearly all of them start the same way — with the unspeakable stress endured by families in poverty. They tell of parents who reuse disposable diapers; children who are sent home from school for hygiene issues because shampoo and soap are luxury items for a poor family; parents who can’t afford a crib so they put their newborn babies to sleep in a dresser drawer, a hamper, or in a cardboard box. These are the everyday, constant challenges for families in poverty.” Blogger’s note – I was originally put to sleep in a dresser drawer after I was born. That is not abuse, just necessity. I will also note, that although we did use a bassinette, my children never slept in a crib but that is another story for some other day.

One final observation – this country really does not care about families as much as it pretends to. There is a severe lack of resources and the will to supply them does not exist. Money still talks, profit in the adoption industry motivates and adoptive parents still rule over the lives of many children, especially babies, that could have been raised, given adequate supports, by the mothers who gave birth to them (with or without a father present in that household).

Seeking A Different Outcome

A woman lost her firstborn child to Child Protective Services when she was 17, after having been abandoned by her abusive father. Part of the reason for losing the child then was poverty – no crib or medical insurance. She also had untreated mental issues. She has been in therapy since she was 18 and her therapist will support her now – 6 years later. She is now 3 1/2 months pregnant with her second child and understandably afraid of losing this child as well or that they’ll bring up her mental health issues from the past. This child’s father is not the same one as her first child’s father and is supportive of her. She gets SSI income and her boyfriend is a line cook. Because they are on a tight budget, she is buying what she can in preparation for her baby, as she can. How can she avoid a repeat experience ?

A response came from a woman who works in primary care settings. She has seen cases where if the parent previously lost a child to the Div of Health Services, that parent comes under heightened scrutiny. Suggestions –  If you are going a regular OB clinic or community clinic, show up for every single prenatal appointment, stay on top of scheduling. Make them aware of the regularity/consistency of your therapy appointments. I personally would not meet with or trust their social or behavioral health person – keep them at arm’s length until you get a good read as to whether they seem genuinely interested in helping with you. It seems you have good support already, so don’t even go there. If you feel you have to appease them and must meet with one, just be prepared to say all the areas you have covered already. Don’t express vulnerability or what you don’t have. Better to go through trusted community organizations if you need physical items, housing resources, etc. Expect to have to do a Urine Analysis at some point. Avoid using any substances including marijuana that might get you flagged.

I am a big fan of midwives and so I liked this suggestion – seek out a birth center or better yet a home birth midwife.  You can meet them for a consultation (no pressure to pick that one). Wait until you find one you think you could have a trusting relationship with. They won’t have access to all your medical records. They are more focused on supporting you as an individual. The less contact with nosy/intervention happy medical people, the better in your case. If you end up needing to birth in a hospital, a good midwife ought to be a good advocate for you in that setting, even though it is also a high risk setting for Div of Health Services involvement/hospital staff scrutiny.

If she is in a conventional medical care setting, the woman suggests be one step ahead with all the baby item planning. Having the car seat well in advance, like by 30 weeks, and schedule a car seat installation safety check (you can find them by searching “car seat safety clinic” they are often done at fire departments). If she signs up for WIC (which pays for formula), she needs to be aware that they are another scrutinizing entity that could represent a threat.

The biggest poverty factor to control for is housing stability. If you rent, is your lease month to month or year long? Being on good terms with your landlord can smooth inspections. Best have a Plan B. Make certain savings could cover a move, if needed. Or have a support network, one that would allow you stay with a stable family that is considered “safe”.

Additional suggestions from another with behavioral health work within a primary healthcare setting – No one can report a thing until the child is born. Be careful about what releases you sign. No one can talk to anyone about you without your release – unless it becomes a mandated report. If you sign releases, you are at risk. Therefore, any releases need to be very specific. Don’t sign blanket things like “service coordination.” Instead say what services you want coordinated.

This woman disagreed with some of the previous advice – I don’t agree with universally declining behavioral health services, because those services can be helpful for connecting with community based programs for things like car seats, help with food insecurity, clothing, etc. If your ongoing therapist is well connected, and knows what programs are available within your community, they may be able to serve in that role. In that case, it is appropriate to explain that you are in regular behavioral health care already.

There will likely be complete screenings as a routine part of your care to look at maternal stress/perinatal mental health concerns. They may also be helpful in holding the balance of psychotropic medication/medication choices, while you are pregnant, if that is part of your typical mental health treatment plan. You can consider signing a very specific and narrow release with your therapist, but generally, I would limit it only to things like medication, pregnancy health, dates of service. I would not allow your therapist to release your progress notes, progress summaries, treatment plans unless there is a compelling reason to do so.

Feeling Rooted In Ireland

This St Patrick’s Day, I am happily feeling my roots. It is something I was denied by both of my parents being adopted, until I was able to discover them thanks to my own efforts, when I was already well into my own 6th decade. The “advice from a flower” in the graphic above certainly suits the experiences of some adoptees necessitating that they grow through adversity.

My dad’s name was changed from his birth name, Arthur Martin, to Patrick (plus more than one adoptive father’s name for his middle, as his adoptive mother divorced an abusive alcoholic and later married a WWII veteran, who adopted my dad for the second time in his life at the age of 8). Turns out that my dad’s grandmother was full blooded Irish. My dad’s adoptive parents were poor and I remember stories of him almost starving to death as a youth in New Mexico while they staked a prospector’s claim near Magdalena New Mexico hoping to strike it rich – they did fail.

St Patrick’s Day always reminded me that my dad’s birthday would be on the following day. He also liked to drink beer but not the green kind LOL. Lately, I listen to the calm, relaxing music of Tim Janis while do my 6 blood pressure checks. If I can totally quiet my mind (not always possible but good practice), I can get my blood pressure down. Today I chose his Celtic Country offering with images from Ireland and flute music. I managed to get my blood pressure down 14 points over the 6 readings.

We used to go to a neighbor’s house for Corned Beef and Cabbage on St Patrick’s Day. She made the best and her parents came from County Cork so it was in her genes. She was a tiny elf like lady but often drank too much (maybe a cultural tendency) and was not patient with the arrival of our oldest son as he became a toddler, so we quit attending. After her husband ended up in a nursing home, we hiked up to their house. It was located up the perennial creek that flows by our own home and so we arrived to visit her, staunchly holding down their home base next to a lake.

We don’t eat beef anymore and potatoes are strictly a no-no given my blood sugar issues. Sigh. We won’t really be doing anything to celebrate “the” day this year (though quietly in my own way, I am). Even so, as I listened to Tim Janis’ music, I was able to feel deep into my Irish roots. What a wonderful feeling it is to know I have very old and deep roots. It will always be wrong in my own heart’s understandings that adoptees are robbed of this knowledge. There can be no good excuse and many adoptees are working to change that issue.

Forgiving Parents

It occurs to me that not only adoptees (who have a multitude of reasons) but probably most people has some issue with their parents that they would be better off forgiving. I know as much as I loved and valued my two parents (both adoptees) some of the discussion points in the graphic above would apply. One of my Facebook friends shared this and I immediately recognized it as relevant to the adoption related issues I cover in this blog and to my own experience of being parented.

My own parents most likely had unresolved trauma – whether they were aware of it or not. My mom seems to have been somewhat aware of her own adoption related trauma. My dad seemed to block it out of his consciousness and believed he probably didn’t want to know the truth about how he ended up adopted (he referred to my mom’s search as potentially “opening up a can of worms” – fisherman that he was).

When my mom married my dad, she didn’t know how to cook or keep a house clean. Her adoptive mother just didn’t have the patience to teach her. Therefore, she was determined to teach her daughters the skills that my dad taught her and that she refined over many years. We had chores to contribute to keeping the house clean, including sometimes washing the dishes and sometimes cooking the dinner. She also worked full time outside of the house and so was tired at night.

My mom was a very warm and loving person but her mother was a bit distanced, as indicated by my mom having to call her “mother.” I was born on my maternal adoptive grandparents wedding anniversary which helped to soothe whatever upset my mom conceiving me out of wedlock while still a high school student may have caused them as my were socially active as a banker and his wife. My dad could really trigger me and his anger was frightening, even though he never laid a hand on us. He was outgoing and sociable. Turns out his genetic father was too.

Certainly, my parents did the best they could with what they knew and the limited resources they had. My dad’s adoptive parents were poor and so we always had this extreme contrast with the wealth of my mom’s adoptive parents. My dad’s were very influential in my life, even into my adulthood. The cultural norms when my parents were adopted in the 1930s were sealed records, name and birth certificate changes and presenting one’s adopted kids as if born to the adoptive parents. To my adoptive grandparents credit, both of my parents always knew they were adopted but not much beyond that. The deaths of my adoptive grandparents revealed only some names but those gave me my start in reconnecting the broken threads of our cultural/genetic origins.

To my understanding, any parent who manages to get their children to adulthood relatively “intact” physically, mentally and emotionally has fulfilled their duty as a parent. Anything extra is grace and/or luck.

A Form Of Activism

Disclosure – I have not read this book but I will admit I am intrigued by it. My first awareness was a mention in my all things adoption group – Barbara Kingsolver’s novel Demon Copperhead is the story of Appalachia from the viewpoint of a kid in foster care. Excellent book. Trigger Warning for folk who have been in neglectful or abusive foster care situations.

So I went looking. There is much about this that hits close to home – as in Kentucky is next door to my home state of Missouri and one learns to watch out for Copperhead snakes here. The opioid crisis and unwed teenage mothers, as well as abject poverty, matter to me. I find the Oprah has chose this book for her book club, LINK>Oprah’s Book Club Author Barbara Kingsolver Writes the “Great Appalachian Novel.” An interview there with the author gave me today’s blog title. Barbara Kingsolver’s writing is a form of activism, of righting wrongs. She wanted to address an injustice. Demon Copperhead is a social novel.

In the interview, the author says –  I’m committed to writing honestly and respectfully about this region that is widely ridiculed or just invisible in mainstream American culture. Appalachia is beautiful and culturally rich, but a long history of exploitation has left us with structural poverty, limited opportunities, and educational deficits that outsiders tend to laugh at. In the latest of these tragedies—the opioid epidemic—pharmaceutical companies deliberately targeted us for their poison pill. Seeing the devastating effects here where I live moved me to look for the bigger picture and write about it.

In retelling Dicken’s David Copperfield, a boarding school for indigent boys becomes a beleaguered tobacco farm where foster boys are brought in to do unpaid labor. A shoe-black factory is a meth lab. The dangerous friend Steerforth is now “Fast Forward,” a high school football star with a narcissistic streak. Et cetera. She notes – A scary percentage of the kids in my region—as high as 30 percent—have lost their parents to prescription drug abuse. They are wards of the state, or are living with grandparents or others who might prefer not to be raising them. That’s the case with my fictional hero, Demon, and his ragtag band of friends. They want so badly to be seen, in a world that wants them erased.

When asked if she had a special interest in foster care, she replied – To write about a modern generation of kids orphaned by poverty and addiction, I had to dig in and understand the systems that support them—and those systems are inadequate. I was stunned to see how inadequate. DSS workers are absurdly underpaid. Turnover and caseloads are such that a child may not even know the name of his legal guardian, and vice versa. Cruelty and abuse are ongoing options. By telling some awful truths in the story and voice of Demon, maybe I can engage some hearts and minds to make a difference.

There is also a review in The Guardian – LINK>Dickens Updated. From that review – Kingsolver’s hero Damon Fields, known as Demon and nicknamed Copperhead for his red hair, is born to a drug-using teenage single mother in a trailer in Lee County, Virginia. Even in this deprived neighbourhood they stand out by being almost destitute, living between a coal camp “and a settlement people call Right Poor”. Since his mother is in and out of rehab, Demon is partly raised by the sprawling, warm-hearted Peggot clan. It’s all there in Dickens: the weak, infantile mother, ripe for abuse; the dead father and the disciplinarian boyfriend turned merciless stepfather; the bad odds against which no child stands a chance – and also the outsiders, some loving and others less so, who offer only a limited form of help.

Demon becomes a casualty of the “monster-truck mud rally of child services”: case workers who don’t read his file; foster parents who are only in it for the security cheque. Where David is packed off to gloomy Salem House, run by the sadistic Mr Creakle, Demon is quite literally farmed out to “this big old gray-looking house, like Amityville”, owned by a tobacco farmer called Crickson. Demon’s battle to achieve sobriety and to transcend the failure of those around him “to see the worth of boys like me, beyond what work can be wrung out of us by a week’s end. Farm field, battlefield, football field.”

Disparities of Resources

In my all things adoption group, a woman wrote – “I truly hope the fosterers, adopters, hopeful adoptive parents and those planning to foster really listen to the former foster youth, adoptees and actual parents about the disparities of resources. Listen to the feelings attached to the other side (those most impacted) of the triad. Please listen to what’s being said about why children end up in adoption and the foster care system. Take that info to heart and do something. Work with family preservation. Understand that you are participating in a corrupt system that targets the poor and marginalized. Amplify their voices and vote people in that care about children’s rights.”

One adoptee writes –  Lack of support and resources led to me being left. My mother had no money and no support. Extended family would not help, she was not allowed to come home with me. So much dysfunction, really screwed up people. I refer to my adoptive parents as mom/dad because “I have to.” I refer to my first mom as my mom too. I think it’s completely up to the child to decide how to refer to everyone. Nobody else gets to decide.

There was then a huge disruptive discussion over the term “actual mother.” More than one adoptee didn’t like that term, most involved in the conversation understood it. It was defined this way subsequently – “Actual mother means the child’s actual mother and not the fake parent because a signed document says they birthed them, when they didn’t.”

A former foster care youth shared – I do think a lack of resources caused my placement into the foster care system. I’m not 100% sure what could have prevented that placement though. As far as titles, my foster carers told me that I could call them whatever I wanted, their names, mom&dad, Mr&Mrs etc… I was older, about 6 or 7, and I just ended up using their names. I maintained a relationship with them after I was returned to my parents.

She is also a mom whose child was apprehended by CAS (Children’s Aid Society): What would have helped me keep my child with me would have been postpartum support. I was young (19), had just had a baby, didn’t really understand what I was doing or going through and had these people show up at my door saying they were taking my newborn son (5 days old) with them. Also, not having to battle preconceived notions about 1. Young mothers and 2. Generational involvement with CAS. Basically was told because I was a former foster care youth and my grandparents and even great grandparents had involvement, obviously I wasn’t suited to be a parent.

She is currently a step-parent (with custody order naming her)/also called a Kinship guardian/or could be an adoptive parent. (All of this gets understandably confusing these days unless one is immersed in the systems.)

What resources have I received from the placement of the 6 kids ?… nothing more than a low income person gets for biological kids, which is a tax credit… oh, and CAS gave me a $100 gift card for groceries… that’s it… as for what the kids call me, some call me mom or Mama, some call me by my name… 5 out of 6 of the kids still have an ongoing relationship with their biological parents, or at least one of them… and they call them mom/dad… it never bothered me what they called me, one way or another.

But there was more – she went from CAS apprehending her son… to their being ordered to return him to her by the courts… to closing her file by his 2nd birthday… and before he was 5, they had literally dropped 3 other kids off on her doorstep (her step children)… and then, granted her custody of her step children’s half siblings…. all within 7 years…. Obviously, I couldn’t have been that “unfit” to begin with… And the amount of anxiety the whole situation caused her… nightmares, etc… is just ridiculous….

Another adoptee tells this story – a lack of resources is what I was told prevented my birth mother from raising me my whole life. She was an older teen, in a family with five kids and her parents “couldn’t afford another mouth to feed.” The truth, I learned thirty years later, that her brother is my biological father. Both situations could be true, but what led to my relinquishment wasn’t as cut and dried as a lack of resources. As to what I called my adoptive parents, I was never given the option of what to call them. I was adopted at two months old and they were the only parents that I knew throughout my childhood, so I probably would have chosen to call them mom and dad, even though it wasn’t a great situation.

One adoptive parent who adopted from foster care notes – outside of fostering, in my personal life, every parent I know who either lost their child to Child Protective Services OR a private guardianship/custody situations where they have limited-to-no parenting rights, parental mental health was THE driving factor. Poverty, substance use, and poor physical health were often symptoms of the mental health challenges and at the same time exacerbated the mental health challenges in a vicious circle.

The answers and stories go on and on. This is just a few to add some insights. I believe in family preservation. I believe that societal resources properly deployed could prevent most (not all) adoptions that tear families apart. I have read too many of the same kinds of stories over and over to believe otherwise. The lack of extended family support and financial resources tore both of my own parents away from their mothers and it still happens every single day in America.

Unequal Treatment

This is really so common for so many adoptees that came out of foster care into families with biological children through adoption. I’m not going to catalog all of it but will hit a few highlights and say only – it is tough enough to come from a difficult environment and feel so completely disregarded. One wonders why these people do it. One theory expressed in the most recent story rings true – My adoptive parents have high status in my smallish town. Both very well known. I now believe we were trophies for them to flash and extra income that paid for fancy car loans.

The biological children were all younger. The woman notes – I remember thinking their two story home was a mansion. They had a tree house and trampoline. Sooo much property. Any poor kids dream. Even though she also notes – The family who fostered/adopted my sister and I were lower middle class. Their family photos never included the adoptees.

As me and my sister aged things got worse and worse. I had felt very loved initially. Me and my bio sister were much more well behaved than their own. We did as we were told. Mostly because, if we didn’t, we’d be disciplined. My biological sister and I would take on the majority of the house work, simply because the others refused to participate and no one enforced that they helped.

When me and my biological sister pushed back on things, we were told life’s not fair or just gaslit into thinking – it’s what we deserved, as we needed more structure due to our past. My older sister and I were placed into the foster care system the last time at ages 7 & 10. Our emergency placement that night was where we stayed for 2 years as foster kids, until ages 9 & 12, when the family adopted us. Her biological mother suffered mental illness with frightening episodes. She was dependent on sketchy men. They moved a lot, due to homelessness or the men the mother was using for survival. They went without food often.

When her biological sister pushed back harder and grew a bit defiant in her teen years, the adoptive parents went so far as putting her back into foster care. That was devastating for this woman as her sister had been her only constant in life. She admits that her sister was treated much more poorly than her and it causes her to feel regret that she did not stand up for her sister more often. Months later, the adoptive parents brought her sister back home, and readopted her because she had suffered abuse in that foster home. She notes that her biological sister eventually moved out at the age of 18 and went no contact with their adoptive parents for awhile.

She notes – Even so, I was grateful. I had been a good kid and caused as little disruption to their lives as possible. I wanted to please everyone so badly. I thought I should be grateful for what they did offer me because I could’ve had it so much worse without them. When I moved out at age 19, the disconnect got worse for me. My adoptive mother doesn’t acknowledge there’s a disconnect at all. Even though, we live close but go months without seeing each other and weeks without contact. Some outsiders notice how my sister and I were treated differently.

And so now, the woman accepts it for what it was and is. She is willing to play nice for family events and holidays. Without them, she wouldn’t have any family. She responds promptly to any of her adoptive mother’s texts, where the adoptive mother pretends to care. Like, she will make empty promises or fake plans, but clearly she never actually intends to follow through. Which leads the woman to fully believe, anything that does happen is just due to concern for her adoptive mother’s public reputation. What if the adoptee went no contact completely ? Sometimes, the adoptive mother actually follows through and does something special for her, like a baby shower for her 1st child. She notes, however, that it was a very public affair. Anytime, it is something private, her adoptive mother is clearly not as nice.