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One adoptee answered a mother of loss’s dilemma with “I always wanted to be found.” When I found my cousin, the daughter of my mom’s half-sister, who knew my mom had bee adopted out of the family, she told me that her mom always hoped my mom would turn up, would find her, so they could sit and chat. This half-sister had only died a few months before I learned of her. My adoptee mom wanted to find her mom but was denied by the state of Tennessee.
Here’s the story of her dilemma – I had my son when I was 15. I was still a child and had no idea what I was doing. I believed that it would be in the best interest of my child to have a stable family with a mom and a dad who would be able to provide for him. I grew up in a broken home and I didn’t want that for my son. I interviewed so many hopeful adoptive parents, until I found a couple that seemed like family. We communicated via email, pictures/letters – always from me to the adoptive mother. I have never had any contact with my son directly. He will be 20 this coming summer and I have found him on social media. My question is for adoptees, do I reach out? I want so badly to have a relationship with him but I also don’t want to disrupt the life that he has. I did grow up, get married and have additional children. Will my attempt to forge a relationship with him at this point be more of a negative impact on his life?
An adoptee answers – He may be different. Each person’s journey is different. For me, I would have liked it if my first mother reached out to me. I’d say the only way to find out is to ask him. Part of the struggle as an adoptee is not having the opportunity to decide any of these things for ourselves. Give him the choice. Be prepared for whatever he decides.
Another adoptee notes – The majority of adopted people would appreciate your reaching out. Offering to answer any questions he might have. Knowing that he is an adult now, but perhaps not knowing if he was actually told that he was adopted… or if he does know, exactly what he was told about you. There’s also the concept that many adopted people don’t want to hurt their raising parents – it is crazy how often adopters really do let us know that it is “hurtful” to seek out the original family members. Definitely do reach out – don’t go overboard until he gives you feedback as to what his own situation and feelings are… I wish that my own mother wasn’t so traumatized by the system, so we could have even one adult conversation. A relationship? I would have jumped at that opportunity. I wish that for you all.
In response to the above, another adoptee affirmed – I want to emphasize the do not go overboard. Go slow, like molasses. Let him choose the pace. Don’t spurt out answers to questions he my not even know he has yet. And keep a journal, both for him and for you. It can act as a release valve. All the things you wanted to say, but it was too soon. I wish you peace going forward.
Another said – I would have loved it if my first mum initiated contact but completely understand her thoughts around this are different to mine. I don’t think initiating contact would disrupt anyone’s life. If he knows he was relinquished, he would most likely have the thought of contact floating around in his head .
A late discovery adoptee shares – Found my biological father at 20. Would have been great to know he had also been looking for me. One of the big things I struggle with is being angry, even after 18 years since finding him. Angry he knew and never tried and that I missed out on years of knowing my younger siblings and extended family.
Another says simply – Please reach out to him for both of your sakes.
One adoptee admits – I wish my biological family would reach out. It was a closed adoption and I know nothing about my background. I reached out via 23 and Me to a brother I found but I have had no response. I would love for my biological family to find me but everyone’s journey is different. I had a tumultuous upbringing and I have no family – so it would be nice for me to connect. I’m 37 and I didn’t realize how much I wanted this until recently. Went my entire life not knowing and not caring about my biological family. Only recently, have I had a change of feelings. I would do it if I were you – just be prepared if your biological son is hurt and let him express his feelings. Listening is so important.
One writes – I wish my mother would have ever reached out to me. I had to spend most of my adult life searching for her and it made me feel like it wasn’t worthwhile because my thoughts were ‘if she wanted to, she would’. You don’t have to disrupt, just a message letting them know that the door is open, if they are interested in having a conversation. I would have loved to know I wasn’t forgotten.
Yet another – My advice would be to go for it. You never know if you don’t try. I had been looking for my mom and she had been looking for me, but she found my contact info first and made the initial contact. You never know – he might be looking, too. Wishing you the best. It meant a lot to know my mom had been trying to find me, too.
This was good advice too – When my birth family (siblings) reached out to me, I didn’t respond right away (took me a year). I needed time to take it in due to situations going on. If he doesn’t respond right away, I don’t want you to feel defeated or rejected. Some of us need time to process it. I wish you the very best & encourage you to reach out.
Another shares – I’d say to definitely reach out but leave the terms open for him to decide / control. It was very hard on me when my “mom” reached out to me the first time. It ended up turning very negative, but I can say that at least it happened. My “dad” to this day, despite speaking with my sister, his other daughter, and having a relationship with her.. he has made zero attempt to know me or reach out. Put the ball in his court but take that first step. You don’t want to regret not doing so and I’m sure he would at least be curious!
Yet another experience – I didn’t get to speak to my dad from 12/13-22 and when I finally reached out, I felt very bummed that I could find him so easy but he never tried to find me. I think you run the risk of being rejected, of course, but you still would be doing the right thing by reaching out and just saying – if there’s anything you want to know, I will answer it and I would love to learn more about you, and whatever boundaries you need to set, you are more than welcome to.
Finally, this – Reach out. It is achingly horrible not knowing. I found my first mom before she found me. They lied to her. I unsealed it all and met her face to face within weeks. The reunion hasn’t been all roses and unicorns. But I’m so glad to know her today.
In a later response, this mother wrote – Thank you everyone for your insights on this matter! I know that every situation is different, I was just hoping that if posted, I would get a wide variety of responses to help me. I will be reaching out. Now I just need to try to find the words that convey how much I am willing to be there for him but also, I don’t want to put any stress or pressure. I am definitely willing to go at his pace or no pace at all, if that is his choice. It’s such a fine line and I don’t want to make any more mistakes. I do know that he was told he was adopted – so I won’t be completely destroying his world. Thank you again for your help!