Bridges

A woman writes – fostering is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. Fostering to help with reunification and supporting families and siblings, not fostering to adopt. If I was to foster, I’d have one family/child at a time. So either siblings or an only child. I’m experienced with mental health and trauma, as well as being fostered myself. I’d also love to foster older kids or teenagers, either long term or short term, however I can help the young person. I just want to be a safe space that I never had.

A foster parent suggests the LINK>Bridges program in Ohio as an example.

Here’s how Ohio works: It starts at emancipation and ends at age 21. An adult can provide “supportive in-home” care. You aren’t the parent or the guardian because the young person is legally an adult and fully autonomous. They have a liaison with the program who works their plan with them – budgeting, education, jobs, etc. The liaison part is basic, so with a good relationship in place, you can really help a young adult prepare to be fully independent! It’s hard to adult ! In Ohio, you get a stipend for room and board, so you’ll provide meals and snacks, a private room and all utilities. It’s like a step toward an apartment. I think the program has great potential but it’s underutilized and maybe not quite enough support for the former foster care youth. But with the added help of the in-home support person, it can be life changing for a young person !

Is Your Behavior Unethical

Questions to consider, if you want to take responsibility for unintended but unethical behavior –

Did you use an adoption agency that has consistently unethical practices?

Did you pay tens of thousands of dollars?

Did you participate in pre-birth matching?

Were you in the delivery room/at hospital?

Did you seek out states without a revocation period?

Did you troll Facebook groups looking for expectant mothers?

Did you send your profile to Obstetrician offices and leave “business cards” on college campuses?

Did you aggressively advertise on social media and Craigslist?

Did you fight the parents, if they tried to revoke?

For foster to adopt parents:

Did you support reunification?

Did you sabotage reunification?

Do you realize you chose to also participate in a corrupt system?

Terminology Issues

Read today that at least one state is reconsidering how to refer to participants in the foster care system. One idea under consideration was to change “foster parent” to “resource parent/carer”.

Overall, the consensus was to no longer use “parent”, “mother” or “father” in foster care situations. This story by one adoptee was illustrative – I spent just two nights in foster care. I was very small but I remember the social worker calling the woman my foster mother. It just added to the terror of the situation. She was not and would never be my mother, or even act in a motherly role. For me, she was an emergency caretaker. A resource person/carer seems appropriate to me. Even foster caregiver is better.

A former foster caregiver notes – It’s none of my business, to decide whether their mom is “better” or “safe”. I’m taking care of the kid, until they go back to family. I don’t really consider that being a “parent”.

One woman, formerly in foster care as a youth, notes – This feels ick to me. It’s dehumanizing and impersonal. I’m really getting tired of people inventing more and more terms that claim to be inclusive and/or whatever and just end up being dehumanizing. What the hell is a resource giver? It doesn’t sound like a person and sure as hell doesn’t sound remotely healthy. We are people, all of us. We all need to be treated as human beings. And using dehumanizing terms is not only not ok but is abusive. ALL abuse starts with this type of language. Not ok. She was asked – “how you feel about temporary guardian?” but has not answered.

Another adoptee wrote – I think the best term would be something without the word parent altogether. I’m not sure what would be wrong with referring to someone as a carer or a resource person. Adding parent, mom and/or dad seems to feed the many hungry adoptive parents in the idea that it is somehow their child. Someone posted about seeing someone talking about the loss of their baby but then, realized they didn’t lose their baby, they lost a foster child who was reunified with family as it should be. I don’t feel like anyone needs more reasons to see themselves as a parent, when they’re not, nor do I think this view should be taken as a slam against anyone. It’s factual, they are a carer, they are a resource person, they are NOT the child’s parent.

One offered this age appropriate explanation from lived experience – When the girls came to live with me, we tried really hard to find age appropriate ways to explain what was going on when they asked questions; cognitively they were at pre-k level but were in grade school; they were familiar with having guest teachers, while their teachers were out sick – so we explained that like when teachers are sick and they get a guest teacher, their teacher always comes back. We were guest parents until mommy and daddy are better and safe to go back home to. That like parents, we will take care of them and do everything parents are supposed to do with them, until mommy and daddy are able to do those things again, but that it wasn’t permanent and that we weren’t their actual parents now. That made sense to them and made it easier for them to understand what our role was in their lives.

Another who spent time in foster care writes – The foster carers (FCs), not my parents then but the people I lived with and who were responsible for my day-to-day “care”, were my legal guardians. I called them by their given names & called my mother Mommy.

Another foster caregiver writes – I always liked the differentiation of being a “community resource” foster home vs kinship foster. It highlights the perspective that I was meant to be a (temporary) resource for the community, which obviously includes my foster children’s parents! Foster carer or foster caregiver makes sense to me as a gender neutral, nonparental title for this role.

Sometimes The Pain Is Great

Black History Month

Trauma is stored in the DNA that is passed down through generations to descendants. One of the worst traumas that our country of the United States is guilty of is how long slavery lasted and how it was followed by Jim Crow laws. We still have a long way to go.

Today a Black mother who was coerced (and she is quick to note that coercion is not consent) but who believed lies about having an open adoption that would allow her ample contact with her son, who is being raised by white adoptive parents, was ranting. Her pain is palpable. My heart breaks as I read her words.

One hears echoes of that ancestral trauma in her first thoughts – Adoptees are bought and sold. You can change their name, their entire birth certificate & identity. They are then tasked with fulfilling the role you paid for them to fill.

She notes that due to this being a transracial adoption – it does not allowing the child’s body to give and receive all of the genetic input they would get with the biological parents, when they live & grow together. Instead the adoptive parents are fine with that and not because “the lifelong trauma of adoption + no genetic mirrors + maternal separation + finding out he was stolen and his parents wanted him back + unseasoned cultural trauma + possible religious trauma + the trauma of being transracially adopted & mean kids shit on him for it all throughout his life ” but believe he is better off than “2-3 years of trauma + therapy + reunification”.

What she seeks is that they give the child back to its biological family, noting that is not abandonment, it’s reunification. Also that a child will still seek out their true parents, even when raised by genetic strangers.

Counseling On Adoption Trauma

Today’s question – Do you feel like you were informed or educated on adoption trauma prior to adoption/guardianship ?

A mom who gave her child up for adoption answers – I was never offered counseling nor thought to seek it. When I did google information on adoption back then, nothing about trauma came up. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have done it. I have regretted it every single day of my life and will until the day I die. In response, someone noted – Those sentiments in a conversation with an adult child. Feelings of having been coerced (universally common in agency adoptions). Regret. Loss. Honestly expressing these may go a long way to help her and the child heal as they come out of the fog. An adoptee who also surrendered a child to adoption adds – It was incredibly healing to hear similar from my mom, and having that conversation with my son brought us even closer. What would have been unbelievably hurtful would have been to hear that my mom was happy she gave me away.

The experience is different when adopting through foster care – an adoptive parent answers – Yes and no. The agency we adopted through, the program we did, was mostly older (in the adoption world) placements through foster care. So yes, there was a lot of information about trauma. I felt very well educated and very well informed. We read a lot of books, had a lot of mental health resources already in place, attended trainings, etc. I am also a psychiatric nurse, so I had exposure to it already. That being said, there was still a lot of focus on the trauma being prior to adoption or early in adoption process. Since we were educated on how important birth family was, to honor that loss and grief, keep connections, and knew not to punish behaviors that were from trauma, utilize/provide resources for the children and ourselves etc, then everything would be rainbows and unicorns eventually. (Reality check – it is NOT that false narrative.)

Another adoptive parent shares – No. The Dept of Social Services (DSS) didn’t give any information, but I had studied adoption trauma in grad school. DSS was actually “shocked” when I said that my foster daughter needed therapy. Thankfully, we were referred to an OUTSTANDING doctor who dealt almost exclusively with adoption trauma, including Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

One who has guardianship notes – there was nothing. The judge signed the order and I had to figure it out from there. Child Protective Services stopped in one time to make sure we were minimally sufficient and we had one call from the court investigator. There was no support or information given. I actually find it really frustrating because when we finally did get a little support it was like a quarter of the amount foster parents get. And I was trying to keep a family member out of the system. To become a foster parent there were multiple classes. I’m not sure if they were actually as unhelpful as I remember but the whole process was overwhelming (I was 20, my cousin was going into foster care, long term guardianship was denied and we had to get approved, so he didn’t go to strangers). I’ll be honest. I was not trauma informed at all. I didn’t have a great understanding of addiction, mental health and trauma. As we get closer to adopting (a separate kin placement 6 years later) there has been a lot more information but we haven’t been offered counseling specifically. There was a two day adoption class through the state that was actually really informative and had people from all parts of the triad there to speak. We have cared for older children but it was a fight to get services for them and one child that needed medication wasn’t able to get it until reunification.

Giving In The Spirit Of

Photo by LINK>Melissa McCraw-Hummer of Springfield Missouri (her daughter is in the photo).

Lately, I keep encountering positive inspirational stories about “ordinary” people who are doing good simply by doing what it is that they love to do. One is Bobby Brown who founded the Donuts With Dads support group for fathers. In the current Christmas themed New Mexico Magazine in an article about their 2023 True Heroes (10 people they selected to feature due to the good work they are doing). Sometimes, our world seems so dark I want to despair about the future of humanity and these features help me stay optimistic (Time Magazine often features similar groups of people doing good things in this world).

So it is that I’ve been primed to notice such stories and today in my all things adoption group I read this by Melissa the photographer for today’s image (which I think of as Christmas Magic). I share what she does with her talents and skills plus no small amount of creativity. I am also happy to know she lives in my own residential state – Missouri (though at the opposite end). I am glad to give her business a little bit of promotion.

She writes – In the past, I’ve done Foster Friday at Christmas for foster children to get free Christmas pajama photos. I’ve never allowed foster parents or their biological children to participate. I wanted it to be just for the kids in care so they have professional photos of themselves. I’m entertaining alternatives. Maybe Reunification Celebration for families who have reunited after foster care. I occasionally do income-based events but I always get way more interested families than I can serve, so specific sub-groups tend to do better. Single Parent Sunday was a good success this year. I just released registration in waves, so families in the lowest income bracket who didn’t have family support got first dibs.

Just Need A Little More Time

Today’s story –

Our state has a mandated “permanency plan” that kicks in at 15 months of the past 22 in care. Adoption is the strong preference. Does anyone have any experience with a system like this and being able to successfully advocate more time for reunification to happen? We are 32 days away from that 15 month mark and we are not possibly going to be in a place where reunification is realistic in that timeframe, but mom is making HUGE strides and can absolutely do this with an appropriate amount of time. There are complicating factors – she is a domestic violence (victim) and a past substance user. I fear the state will use these against her, despite her incredible work over the past 4 months.

If they move forward with a termination of her parental rights, despite her work, are we able to do anything to reunify ourselves ? If we can get them to agree to guardianship instead of adoption ? This family just needs more time and I want to make sure we are doing everything possible to get her that time.

In addition to this sibling group of littles, we also have a teenager. She asked for a termination of parental rights and wants to be adopted. She is very excited about not having to go home and be with her family anymore. Her situation is different as she is 17, which means she gets to make her own choices. Any suggestions for how to talk about what she wants and is asking for and her joy at ending her first family ties, while also holding space for how deeply tragic that would be for the littles ? I don’t want the littles to think that we want that for them, or to think that because it’s happy for the teen that it would be happy for them. What is best for these two groups of children is different and I want to make sure we don’t hurt either of them in the process of celebrating the other. Thanks for your ideas and help!

Some help comes – are the Littles old enough to understand that while you love them and want to have them there until their mom is able to finish “getting her stuff together” – that the older child’s parents weren’t able to do what was needed for them to be a safe person ? If they know their mom, it may be a bit easier to explain that they’re living with you, while their mom gets some help and takes care of things.

Another who was in foster care as a youth notes – I would personally go with like, “mom is getting some help to take care of herself, so that she can take care of you again safely” but language choices can be altered a bit depending on the specific circumstances. That’s how it was framed for me when I first entered care at a younger age and my mom had similar circumstances to this mom, substance abuse, dual diagnosis, plus the intimate partner violence factor.

A family advocate writes – 15 months is federal law, the Adoption and Safe Families Act. At 15 months, the state must pursue termination of parental rights and adoption – unless there is a compelling reason to continue working reunification. If mom is making progress but just not quite there, the compelling reason is that she could reasonably be ready to reunify within a time frame that would still be in the best interests of the children. There could be a goal change requested, but I would be surprised if that judge approved that, if she’s doing well. Mom needs to document everything she’s working on and every objective measurable bit of progress she’s made. Her attorney can present this to the judge to argue against a goal change. But if the team sees her progress, they may not even request it.

Too Little Time To Succeed

Today’s story – I’m an adoptive parent of a 7 year old. “A” was taken into foster care at 3 months. She had visits with her mom for several months. Parental rights were terminated at about 18 months and they had their last visit. She was placed with me for adoption at 24 months. It took some time to get in contact with her mom, and we finally had our first visit when “A” was 3.5 years. A couple of missed visits, then COVID struck and slowed things down a lot. Thankfully, since she turned about 5.5, we’ve been spending time with her mom regularly, usually once every two weeks, and for the past eight months or so, I’ve usually left – so it’s been just them. We held birthday party jointly last spring, which was hard as we have very different values but also good and hopefully gets easier.

Increasingly, although I maybe always suspected, it’s clear to me that “A” shouldn’t have been removed from her mom. Basically, she didn’t know how to play Child Protective Services (CPS) games. And with a little more time and support, she could have parented. Definitely a case of a permanent solution being applied to a temporary problem. I do think she sometimes has made some unwise decisions, but so have I. I don’t think she poses any safety risk to “A”.

I’m increasingly wondering what’s really best for “A”. She is doing amazing in a lot of ways but has struggled with some challenging behaviors and as she’s getting older, it can no longer be dismissed as being on the normal spectrum of development. Of course, there are a lot of potential factors that we’re looking into, and I’m working to put in place sensory breaks and other accommodations at school, and I’m continuing to focus on building our attachment, but to some extent I wonder if these are just band-aids, if the real problem is being apart from her mom on a day-to-day basis. And if she doesn’t really need to be apart from her….? I’d appreciate responses from Adoptees – especially if you had a very open adoption – or first families.

While not the role she asked for – I did think this was an important point from a commenter. Just wanted to note that indeed it may not “solve” all the school problems. Maybe nothing ever will. Things will hopefully get better, absolutely. I just worry about framing any decision as possibly “solving” any “problem” behaviors for good. Sometimes expectations at school are in direct opposition to a child’s needs to thrive in an environment. Don’t let “solving her school problems” be a litmus test for your decision making.

Another not from the role but probably good advice – It sounds like you’re on the right track with nourishing a relationship between them. I’d include First Mom as much as possible in meetings and making decisions, such as IEP/school conferences and medical visits. If she’s included and reunification or guardianship becomes a possibility, she’ll be able to make informed decisions and it will be a much smoother transition for them.

Finally, from an adoptee – I had an open adoption and both me and my biological mom are neurodivergent. I also am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and past special education teacher. I would get “A” assessed by a specialist, not a MD as they often misdiagnose (it happened to me). Once there is a confirmed diagnosis, you can start the process of getting support such as IEP, OT, SLP, School Psychologist and there may be a BCBA in the school district as I saw you mentioned “challenging behaviors”. (NOTE: not all children need any of the above therapies to succeed. Case by case basis solely). If insurance is an issue (you can receive in home or clinic support outside of school, if needed), stick to school services. I do believe a lot of my behaviors growing up were related to my adoption trauma but also, I can look back and easily see all my diagnoses presented before I was diagnosed. Both contributed. I wish I had gotten diagnosed as a child to receive support sooner. Everything you’re doing seems to be benefitting “A”. I would ask mom how you can better support her and keep her definitely in the loop about getting “A” evaluated. There could be other diagnoses in the family you don’t know about. I do believe her adoption trauma has contributed and after working with children, teens and adults from 18 months to 19 years of age from all backgrounds I’ve realized, kids especially may not vocally be able to tell you what’s going on or how they feel, but their actions/behavior tell you. They can feel it inside, just may not be able to express it yet where you would understand. That was 100% me growing up. I hope this helps.

From someone else regarding laws surrounding reunification of a youth who has already been adopted – if a youth has been involuntarily relinquished for adoption, meaning CPS convinced a judge to terminate parental rights (TPR), it will be harder than if the parent relinquished voluntarily. But not impossible. For her mom to adopt her child back, she would need to pass an adoptive homestudy in your jurisdiction. Some jurisdictions disqualify a homestudy, if the adult has had a termination of parental rights, some don’t. If, she would have to make a very good case that the reasons leading to TPR are false or no longer apply, which typically means outside documentation (proof of steady employment, steady housing, AA attendance for the last 5 years, etc.) If “A” is staying with mom for any extended time periods, you can get an educational and/or medical power of attorney done that lets Mum make emergency decisions. (Note that there is a small but present risk of CPS involvement, if you do this, so you may want to contact a lawyer in your jurisdictions with all the details of the case.)

One adoptive parent shared – I know it is hard and my daughter’s mom is similar to yours. I learned what I must do and asked our daughter if she would like to return to her mom ? If I had asked when we first started access, when our daughter was 6, I know she would have wanted to go home. Now she is 15 and has opted for increased access, while remaining with me. I know that it is hard to fathom letting go but putting the child first is always the right thing to do.

From an adoptee – Best for “A” is access to her mom. Obviously, safe access and led by A at her pace. The openness is great, but I would also add therapy. Access to therapy while young is so helpful. It will also help you as you navigate the future.

From a mom who lost her child – I couldn’t figure out how to play CPS games, and my PSAT scores were in the 99th percentile. I didn’t even study until I got to college, because I was used to being able to succeed with minimal effort. With CPS, there wasn’t any set rules, or consistency, like the whole thing was set up to make parents just give up. I fought until I was TPR’d, but I can understand why a lot of parents just get overwhelmed and see the goals as impossible. CPS will just keep setting up new goals, or stall for time, then claim they can’t return the child because all the goals weren’t completed in time.

The no set rules and consistency is so on point. I have watched CPS change requirements and not notify parents. I have seen the parent doing the work get punished while the parent not complying with court orders gets praise. The more you see the system the more you see it is set up to take those children and not give them back. It is appalling AND they can lie without consequence.

An adoptee and reunified mom wrote – The thing you can’t say wouldn’t solve all the problems. The trauma already happened. But it might mitigate them. I’m not a child development specialist, so I really can’t be certain, but I know that reunification helped my child. And reunion, even this late, is helping me with my own issues.

A therapist with years working the system said – live close and co-parent. Look to each person’s strengths and build on those. Consider relating like separated parents, figuring out who does what. If it seems that you are in a better position to support her school needs, then take the lead on that but include mom. Build up her capacity to do it.

An adoptive parent brings up an interesting, sometimes overlooked, issue – So is there a first dad in the picture? It could complicate things. For us one complication is the natural father who lives in a different country is against it. He only wanted us to adopt, not for first mom to get the kids back. So we don’t know how that will look in the future. Also this, there is no magic pill. Leaving the home the adoptees have known for years will be traumatic as well.

Child Removal

A point was made in my all things adoption group that “Child removal is a separate issue from adoption.” My image comes from a post at Generocity by Steve Volk titled LINK>Black families confront a child welfare system that seems intent on separating children from parents. I already had encountered information about that before.

In my group, an adoptee admits – It was 100% right for me to be removed from my biological mother, it was 100% wrong for me to be adopted when I could’ve aged out of the system. I was 17 when I got adopted. I had less than 8 months til I turned 18.

Another adoptee says – there’s a big difference between foster care and infant adoption but the effects on us remain the same. Not one of us, who care about reform, advocate for a child to remain in harm. Those with a lived experience of adoption and foster care know – it often does more harm than good.

One adopted as an infant says – I have to remind people that external care may be necessary but adoption is not. I required external care. I did not required adoption.

One person with experience with the foster care court system has questions – Why is adoption considered to be creating permanency and pushed so heavily? Initially one would think cost of care, but when subsidies are factored in, is this cost really an issue? I guess there could be more governmental cost incurred due to employing caseworkers, etc. Is the current system a “fix” for the broken system where kids remained in long term foster care most of their lives and never have a “family” atmosphere? Where did the Adoption and Safe Families Act come from, that made it a federal law that kicks in at 15 to 22 months after removal?

Some possible answers come – society, on the whole, has specific views about adoption that have been absorbed into the mainstream view. What percentage of people in the whole of society are CONSCIOUSLY AWARE that an adoption can be disrupted by the adoptive parents, that children are rehomed by their adoptive parents, or that adopted children are over-represented in residential treatment centers? Only a small percentage of people who have no experience with adoption know these things. However, there are also people who ARE involved in some part with adoption situations that don’t realize these either.

There are systemic issues. Some stem from sociological issues that could be addressed on a larger scale (and, to an extent, are now being addressed on social media). Because of systemic issues, removals happen that shouldn’t. Those children are sold to couples who can afford to pay, instead of giving their actual parents support.

From another – Honestly. It makes adults feel better that this brings permanency and that it makes the kid feel stable. It only brings that, if you’ve told the kid that’s what brings stability. The local foster group always bashes anyone who says they’re going for guardianship. Telling them how the biological family will be dragging them into court every month. Saying how it’s awful and the kids deserve better.

And yet another perspective and a story from real life – it came out of frustration with children being held in foster care and shifted from home to home with no permanency over many years (5-10 or more) while parents made no progress towards reunification. The United States loves big one-size-fits-all solutions to complex problems. This act created massive incentives for states to get kids out of foster care and into adoptive homes. Arizona is one of the WORST examples. My friend was forced to adopt her granddaughter after just 12 months in care. Had she not been adopted by her grandma, Child Protective Services was going to place her with strangers who would. She was young (about 3), blonde and white appearing (although ~3/4s Hispanic), healthy, etc. Quickly out the door for a kid like her. Did the girl need to be removed from her situation with her mother? 100% but the timeframe for reunification was totally unrealistic. The mother eventually did get sober and stable but it took her 5 years, not 1. They eventually went to court to vacate the adoption and won a huge settlement from the state. After living with her mother for a few years, this girl is now back with my friend as her guardian because the mother could not stay sober, housed etc. But she is safe and loved and with family without being adopted. This time Child Protective Services was not involved. Incidentally, my friend was raised by her aunt because her own mother had many issues and my friend was never adopted. She wanted to do the same for her grandchild (as she is now) but the state forced her to do it their way.

An adoptee wants to clarify – When people just say they’re anti-adoption, it sounds to abused kids like you think they should be left with their abusive birth parents no matter what. When you’ve been abused by your birth parents, some people act like that’s their right – you’re their property. It’s very important to know that’s NOT what you mean.

One transracial adoptee notes – my mother did nothing wrong but my brother and I were taken. He’s still out there somewhere because the Catholic church recommended we didn’t stay together.

One person notes – it should also be possible to support families *before* abuse becomes an issue. Our society isn’t equipped for that right now. Our government would prefer to throw money at foster care, rather than at family preservation.

From an adoptive/foster care parent – There’s a difference between feeding the adoption industry and helping kids whose family has let them down. I’ll always push to help parents get the resources and help they need, but I also believe that kids deserve a safe space to grow up. Some parents/relatives get it together and some don’t. That’s a reality.

blogger’s note – I share what I do in this blog to help others, without a direct familial experience of adoption or foster care, understand the long term effects of decisions that are being made every day that directly affect many children and their families.

With No Real Oversight

From a Kinship Foster Parent –

For 14 months, a mom and baby were separated. The Dept of Health and Human Services, the supervising agency, the state attorney and the Guardian Ad Litem were all horrible. They were all constantly unprepared for court. The judge didn’t hold them accountable. It was all “well I didn’t get any reports from X, so I have nothing to report, and I don’t agree with motions in favor of mom, as I don’t know if she is making any progress.” Not to mention that court was often pushed back by weeks to months for various reasons but not by the mom’s fault, but on the court’s side of things.

They were also very inconsiderate of our ethnic practices, which are not uncommon, such as we live in multi-generational homes and new parents aren’t expected to have a job. All of the baby needs are essentially taken care of at the baby shower for up to 1-2 years of that child’s life.

There are just a lot of awful things the state did and I’m unsure of where to report these things aside from the FCRO (Foster Care Review Office), who were just like “Meh. We can’t take any action as case is still open,” but I wonder where we can start. Who is ensuring that these people are being compliant?

Comments –

From an adoptee – These interactions ALONE should be enough to get this case closed. How could you be so unprofessional, when literally dealing with someone’s life ? If there is a concern that the involved agencies will mess with guardianship plans or reunification, then lawyer up. It is incredibly difficult to navigate the system without education, and those agencies know that and use that to their advantage. Sadly, most state agencies have no real oversight. Again, they know this and use that to their advantage.