Questioning A Choice

There was a woman in my mom’s group that I became close to.  We were all undergoing assisted reproductive methods of varying degrees and gave birth to our children during a four month period in 2004.

This woman was not typical in our group.  She was actively being treated for cancer and used a surrogate to conceive and birth the boy/girl twins she left as a legacy for her husband.  She was anxious about having to wear a head covering to hide her hair loss in the delivery room.

It came to pass that she died when the twins were about two years old.  The couple bought a house directly across the street from the one the twins lived in to buffer them from some of the most distressing aspects of her dying.

It is fair to ask – What does it mean to create new life when one parent is dying?

The reality is that there are countless parents who don’t live to see their children grow up, but most of those tales involve unforeseen tragedy.  Among my own acquaintances two other women have died of the complications of cancer after giving birth to children that are left to their husbands to raise.

In the face of a certain ending, some couples chose to create a beginning.  The number of people who confront this exact extraordinary convergence of birth and death is small enough that no one knows precisely how many are out there.  There are outliers facing terminal illness who have forged ahead with plans to have children.

Perhaps I know more of them than most people do.  Because of my own circumstances of conception and the circumstances of my parents’ conceptions that ended their parental relationships by their becoming adopted, I have developed a different philosophical view that also does not deny a woman’s right to choose.

That right is very broad in my own perspective – not only to choose to conceive by whatever method is available to any individual woman but to choose not to carry a pregnancy she doesn’t want to invest herself in.  It is a brave new world and the rules are changing.

Abortion As An Ethical Decision

#1 – never pair the two issues.  Adoption as a counter to abortion.  Pro-Life should be positive in the support of keeping babies with their mothers.

Honestly, many adult adoptees will say “if I had a say in my birth mom doing it over again – hell yes, I wish she’d never had me.”  That may be hard to understand, if you were not adopted but this is the truth.

An abortion makes life going forward easier. If someone doesn’t want to be a parent, then putting themselves through a pregnancy and birth makes no sense. If someone does want a baby, then they’d regret adoption forever, if they chose that as an alternative when what they really lack to enable them to keep their child is the emotional or financial ability to parent that child.  This is also the truth.

An adoptee is forever the child whose mother gave her to strangers and all the emotional wounds that come with that.

If society were willing to make it more feasible for underprivileged mothers to keep their own babies by providing financial and other supports – then the truth also is that adoption and abortion rates would both likely drop.

There are options other than adoption for infertile couples to conceive children.  It is known as Assisted Reproduction and that entails a variety of potential treatments that may prove successful and be a better choice than creating huge psychological problems for adoptees and their original mothers, who are separated at birth, and under the best future possibilities, will still have a painful road to reunion.