I am the maternal aunt of my niece whom we adopted 9 months ago. (There has been a Termination of Parental Rights for both parents.) She is now 8 and first came to stay with us at 4. So we have always had that familial label of her calling me her aunt and me calling her my niece.
Since adoption (and a bit before) she has been switching her labels describing us. It’s aunt or uncle, my parents, my mommy and daddy. Which is 1000% fine. We told her she can call us whatever she likes, whenever she likes. We all know who we are, we’re the fam-a-bam no matter how you call it. And she’s totally happy and we are totally happy to roll with her daily.
I think I’m tripping over myself, over how she defines us to others, when I’m not with her. She’s always been my niece longer than she’s been adopted by me. So, of course that’s what I automatically say. But I feel like because of the adoption I SHOULD be calling her my daughter ? That makes it feel like a society rule that meets actual legal reality. But that doesn’t feel exactly right, because she’s my niece, ya know? And I’m sorry if that sounds off, that’s the best way I can describe it in my head.
I guess I’m wondering, if it’s okay for her to switch off like she does (which she doesn’t currently mind) or if it would be better for her stability to have a set label coming from the adults ? She’s been through so much in her life already, I don’t want to be adding more pressure or anxiety by doing something “wrong”, that could maybe be so grounding as a consistent family label. I know she’s proud of us and I don’t ever want her to feel like I’m (we’re) not proud of her.
Some thoughts from an adoptive parent – my friend raised her grandchild. She had raised her since the age of 1 (guardianship) calling her “Mom”. Her granddaughter always knew she was a grandchild but neither wanted to keep explaining to everyone what had happened to her parents. She is now 16 and still calls her grandmother “Mom”. Her other grandchildren call her by a grandma nickname. That is fine because she can be a grandma to them but the relationships are not the same as with the child she cares for, in a mom role. My niece, who came into care at 9 and was adopted at 12, has always called my sister Molly and my brother-in-law, Ted. Mine was adopted at 9 months and has always called me “Mom” but knowing what I know now, I wish she had called me Gretchen. She reunified at 16 and has no idea what to call anybody. We are working on this with her therapist. Your niece knows her story and society is nosy. Kids just want to fit in. My mom was “Boofa” but on Grandparent’s Day, another young niece introduced her to all her friends as “Grandma” because she thought the other kids would laugh. Let her lead.
blogger’s note – I went through a period of relationship confusion myself. Both of my parents were adopted and those who I knew as my grandparents were actually my parents’ adoptive parents. So after my parents died, I had the good fortune to actually discover the identities of all 4 of my genetic grandparents (though ALL of them were deceased by then, it did open the door to a genetic aunt and some cousins). For awhile, that threw me into emotional confusion. By then, I was already into my 60s and I eventually worked through my emotional discomfort.My son has said to me that I have a very complicated family. Truth.
Today’s question – I’ve gathered two different takes on what adoptees should call natural parents when they’re little (like too early to understand adoption, understand relationships, and decide for themselves what name they’d like to use for their adoptive and their natural parents). I’ve read that should our little call us and his first parents “Mommy/Daddy”, that it can cause confusion. I’ve also read that that idea is absolutely unfounded. We all truly want to do this right and don’t know which path to take. Natural mom is in the same boat as me (just wanting to make sure we do this as best as we can for our son), Natural dad wants mommy/daddy. That’s what he calls myself and my husband (at the moment. It’s changed a lot over the last year!) so we would all end up as mommy and daddy. I should add that he’s two and he does see his natural parents monthly. We plan to be very open and honest with him, age appropriate, so we are definitely not trying to hide anything. I would appreciate suggestions from anyone in here, but I really want to hear from adoptees who also were able to maintain an open relationship with first parents from a young age. Did the same labels cause confusion? What worked best for you?
An adoptee asks the obvious question – why can’t more than one person hold a title of Mom/Mommy or Dad/Daddy ? I have multiple Grandmas and Grandpas but was never confused. Same sex families also seem to have no trouble finding variations of Mom/Mama/Mum/Mummy/Mommy. Personally I think a lot of those books are written by other adoptive parents who are just desperate to claim any title they feel should belong to them.
Another adoptee answers similarly – I feel like it is extremely common for adopters to use “the labels are confusing !” as a cop out. If a child can understand they have 2 dads (and zero moms), then an adoptee can understand they have multiple moms/multiple dads etc, whatever the configuration may be. Adoptees do not exclusively belong to one set of parents. I hate the term natural parents, I hate “birth parents” much more. I wish adopters would just abandon their fragility and say “your other mom” or even just “your mom” when referencing the natural mother. If the kid is confused, then explain ! Labels are not confusing. If an adoptee is confused about which parents are which, the adopters are not explaining things as clearly as they need to be explaining them. Using the “confusing labels” cop out is just a way to give natural parents labels that carve out their parenthood, as a way of propping up the adopters above them, all disguised as concern for the adoptee.
An international adoptee makes the point – My first mom has always been mom. My first dad has always been dad. I hate my first parents a lot, but I will always call them my parents. That’s what feels right. My adoptive parents are my American parents. Labels are not confusing. You could use names too. Like “Mommy Sally”, “Mommy Tina”, “Daddy Bill”, “Daddy Tom.” Just to differentiate exactly who you’re talking about. But I do hate the term natural and birth parents. Adoption does not erase who our parents are and our true origin, despite having to be raised outside of our own family.
I found this answer timely – The only issue I’ve ever come across about differentiating between my “moms” (I have 3 and called them all mom) Is when I’m talking to other people and reference “my mom”. I know which one I am talking about, but other people need clarification regarding “which mom” OR if they don’t know me well, they just assume I’ve been talking about only one person, instead of multiple moms.
One mother who lost her child to adoption makes this point – From the start – you are not the child’s mother – you are the adoptive mom. Never forget that. Make certain the child knows this as well. (Age appropriate). Further, teach the child to be free to introduce you (if desired) as “my adoptive mom” – that is what you are. The conversation can go on to reference – “my mother lives ______ and I see her often”. Your adopted child is young. Titles may change over time.
Good point from an adoptive mother – both of you can be Mom and Dad. If it bothers you to call them that , then you really need to look in the mirror and reflect why that bothers you. My daughter has 2 mom’s and 2 dad’s. She is 9 now and if you ask her, that is what she will say because when we speak about her parents, they are Mom and Dad. Let the child choose on their own and refer to them as Mom and Dad.
Another adoptive mother shares her experience – My 7 yo calls both me and her mom Mom/Mommy/Mama. At first, it was Mommy First Name – then we quickly moved to just Mommy. We tried to have Mama for one and Mommy for the other but ended up just smooshing all together because she naturally uses all of these. Context and clarify as needed work. If I could go back, I might have made myself First Name, but still not sure. Definitely follow the child’s lead…. Also, I am moving in the direction of the comment about transitioning back to the biological family. It seems more complicated with an older child (at least, I think so) and I really appreciate someone saying it and keeping the pressure on adoptive parents to really ask ourselves – what’s in the best interest of the child, not just what’s best for us /“our family”. … I am genuinely working on it.
One adoptee tries this – What is so confusing? nothing is confusing. We are adopted, we have 2 sets of mom/dad. This is just our reality. Why is this even a question ? Lots of families have more than one mom/dad outside of adoption. This is a non-issue question. Stop overthinking it. Your child has 2 sets of parents and that’s as simple as it is.
A kinship guardian notes – Kids are smarter than most people give them credit for. They rarely find their own situation confusing. It’s other adults who do.
An adoptee notes – A lot of people have their own agenda where advice about adoption is concerned and it’s rarely about what is best for the child. It’s not “confusing” to have 4 people whom you consider parents, so long as people act normal about it. What confuses us is being forced or pressured to choose what the adults want. Always ask yourselves if you are expecting the child to manage your feelings or social standing. Because seriously a lot of adoptive and natural parents seem more worried about how other adults see them, than if the kids are okay. You won’t die from embarrassment because your child calls someone else Mommy in public.
One other experience from an adoptive parent – titles change as they age. My adopted daughter who’s almost 6, currently refuses to call her mom and dad by those titles, just their 1st names. It’s too hard for her to process it, she shuts down. Anytime we try to talk about her parents and family, she shuts it down. I know that will change as she gets older but for now that’s where we’re at. Even when she was smaller, during visits if they used those names, she’d want to leave and was done. It’s not that she’s confused, it’s that she’s hurting and those emotions are so big and hard. It’s easier for now not to talk about it.
Missing Mom 