The Quiet Work Behind The Scenes

Not long ago, I posted that my favorite “everything adoption” Facebook group had closed down. Thankfully, it was very brief and re-opened with new administrators. I think the long time ones had simply grown weary because it is a very active group and it can seem like the same issues over and over but in truth, everyone’s story is unique. Today, I would like to share the testimonial of a woman for whom joining the group made a difference in her choices and decisions. Like her, I didn’t see anything wrong with adoption when I first joined the group because it was so much a part of my life since birth. Not that I was adopted but both of my parents were. And each of my sisters gave up a baby for adoption (both of whom I am very happy to say I “know” at least somewhat in person today).

Here’s what the woman had to say of this amazing group of passionate, dedicated and loving people –

Hi there,

Just wanted to say that this group does matter. My husband and I naively thought that adoption was our answer to “completing our family.”

I grew up in a community where foster kids were adopted into families and everyone would cheer about the parents completing their families. It was normal to watch growing up. I honestly had never heard of anything negative when it came to adoption.

We have 2 boys. I was always told I couldn’t have children. It’s still shocking to think that I have 2 children now. We are incredibly blessed.

My pregnancies were both extremely high risk and my husband didn’t want us to try to go for our final, 3rd baby since he was worried about mine and the baby’s safety. We were going to adopt from India and even got as far as a home study. I’m happy to say we will now be trying for #3 with approval from our OB in a year instead of going through with the adoption.

I joined this group, sat and read, and really listened. I showed him posts speaking against adoption. About the trauma people have endured from adoption. How children adopted from other countries lost their entire culture and identity, and we both have agreed because of this group, how morally we would not be able to sleep at night if we went through with the adoption.

I’m not going to lie, at first I got defensive reading things. Like oh, I’m a good mom that wouldn’t happen, or that would never be us though. We would be different. I am a great mom to my boys, but taking a child away from their birth parents, guardian, or the only people they know would not make me a good example for my children.

This is me not looking for praise, but admitting that I was wrong. This is me owning my mistakes and looking deeply at myself, and what was my own selfish wants. This is me saying thank you to this group and that your voices do matter. They did for our family. I now know better, can do better, and be a better example for my boys. Thank you.

My Daughter Mini Me

What happens when a young daughter doesn’t have a mother for a role model ?  Here I am not speaking of an alternative mother but the natural mother.  I think about this because both of my original grandmothers lost their own mothers at a young age, during their childhood.

There is a wide range of mother-daughter relationships.  Some are not happy ones but I doubt any daughter would say her mother was not at all influential, even if the influence was a contrast telling her own self how she did not want to be.

If a daughter is fortunate, she will have a mother who is a blessing and who will be forever missed once she is no longer physically incarnated.  Some of my friends had those kinds of mothers.

It may be that my relationship with my own mother was not all that unusual.  We had a complex relationship.  I did love her dearly.  I remember sitting in the kitchen on the deep freeze while she cooked dinner, chattering away.  I don’t know if she really listened or not but I appreciated having her captive.  I get a similar treatment sometimes these days from my sons.  Sometimes I was frustrated with my own mother.  Sometimes I didn’t like her perspectives.  Sometimes I was unkind or unreasonable in my expectations of her.

Girls learn a lot about being a woman from their “mother” and that is true even if their “mother” is an alternative one to the original mother.