Tag: Running Away

Boundary Issues

My husband has always been a “king of my castle, captain of my ship” kind of man (which understandably has caused some issues between us). After our oldest son was born, my husband’s parents (who were our next door neighbors) came over every afternoon to help me out, so I could attend to some of the work that depends on me for our home based business. Eventually, he simply could not tolerate them being around so much but put the burden on me to tell them. Fortunately, I could break it to them gently.

The man in today’s story, reminded me of that, but thankfully, my husband was not raised so hard core. Here’s the background (not my own story) – My husband grew up in a family with corporal punishment – where if you didn’t respect your elders there was a big problem. We did tons of therapy and it helped a lot but it just never got us to where there wasn’t a major fight at least once a week or two, that ended with breaking things or running away (which I don’t hold against my foster son one bit but it is what it is). There was also a “territorial-ness” between the two of them, which I hate but I understand it because I’ve seen it with other people who were staying at my house. Like my husband wants to come home and have his space and suddenly the house feels too small. Not a big deal at all, short term, but it wears on you after a long while. She claims – These are all so stupid, which is why its so hard for us to not want to try to help out… (a former foster son that has been in their home). This foster son has not experienced stability. He is now 14 years old and so, it is unlikely he’ll be adopted (though currently there is an attempt that may fail). It is more likely he will age out in foster care.

She wanted to know – if I’m not willing to commit to helping him all the way and adopting him, am I just leading him on by trying to be there for him and causing more trauma ? She asked – For former foster youths, what would you want ? Did any of you benefit from having a role like that in your life and what did it look like ? She also notes that this boy and his biological dad are still close and we definitely would let them continue their relationship, while he’s with us (of course).

(blogger’s note – I would add that setting boundaries with teens is NEVER easy.)

Some responses – Why can’t your husband get along with him ? My biological teens and I don’t always see eye to eye on everything and there are some outbursts but we talk and work it out… The original poster commented – great question. I think its very difficult to have patience for any teenager, but if you birth them or adopt them, you have to deal with it.

She was asked – why doesn’t your husband get along with him ? The woman replied – they requested placement for him in June or July and they said it would only be until the end of summer. That he wouldn’t be starting school with us. (blogger’s note – not certain that is actually an answer to this question.) Someone else came in to clarify and chastise – He wasn’t good “enough” for your husband and now has been adopted. It sounds like he may be having difficulties with his adoptive parents. He and your husband butt heads (putting it nicely) which ends up in loud clashes and things breaking in the house. That’s traumatic in and of itself.

You say things aren’t going well and the adoption may “fall through.” How convenient for foster parents and adoptive parents to just throw away their foster child/adoptive child. Instead of working on their issues. Just throw the child away. This makes my blood freaking BOIL! Parents don’t usually do this with their biological children.

How on earth are you helping this child, when he’s been rejected by your family already ? Why can’t the child just move in with their biological dad ? You are not the right fit for this child. If his adoptive parents aren’t willing to do the work, and your family wasn’t willing to do the work, AND he has a good relationship with his biological dad, why wouldn’t THAT be the goal – instead of sending him back to your home, where you already rejected him before AND he clashes with your husband “at least once a week”?!!!

Do this child a favor and WALK AWAY. You’re not the right fit for him. This post infuriated me. Why continue to triangulate his relationships ? I’m seeing RED, when I read your responses. Don’t come here and expect absolution. This poor kid!!!!! 

The original poster’s response was – he was in another home that closed before us. His dad was on his last month of his program and doing great.

The response to that was – if his dad is doing so good, why isn’t the child with him ?!? I understand that it’s not your fault – it’s what the system does – but grrrrr – IF PARENTS ARE DOING GOOD, THEN RETURN THEM TO THEIR PARENTS!!!! The whole point of foster care is to love these kids, until they can go home. Yes, it will absolutely cause more trauma, bouncing around like a ping pong.

Someone else noted – Teens can be tough, whether they are biological, adoptive, foster, etc. That doesn’t mean you give up. You should have learned in training that every move is trauma. You are stringing this kid along, who needs someone in his corner, who will help him. You admit that your husband is fighting him. Kids and parents are going to argue (particularly teens), but this sounds well outside the realm of “normal” and by your description, it sounds like your husband is the one triggering most of it. If you can’t handle normal teenage behavior (disobedience is normal), you have no place to try to take this young man back into your home. 

Bottom line from someone else – as someone who had to stay months at a time with kin who didn’t want me in their space, let me just say that I’d rather sleep anywhere else safe, than in a space I am unwanted. The feeling of being unwanted is horrid. Don’t invite him into your home, if your husband values his space more than this child.

Adverse Childhood Experiences

For several months now our entire country and most of the world has been living with toxic stress.  It’s the kind of stress that puts you on edge and keeps you there, day after day after day.  If you have felt stressed, imagine what it would be like to experience adversity and/or abuse — not having enough to eat or being exposed to violence – then think, what if the one experiencing this is still a child.

Factors such as divorce, domestic violence or having an incarcerated parent are called adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Four or more ACEs can result in chronic health conditions such as heart disease or diabetes. In the long term, living with ACEs or other negative factors, such as poverty, can literally change your brain chemistry.

What does it look like for a young person to live with several ACEs and no supports ?  What does a foster parent experience when bringing a middle school or teenage foster youth into their home ?

It might be not being able to sleep without a light on. Or it could be eating even when one is full or not hungry. Some children become “runners” — they leave school whenever they become upset.

And the symptoms can become even worse.  The child may become a cutter; may be suicidal. Such children can have trouble forming appropriate friendships. Maybe they trash their room; in one fight-or-flight moment, climb out of their window and tumble to the ground. Even jump out of a moving car.

A foster parent could find themselves restraining the child physically by wrapping their arms around the child’s shoulders or waist, using all their strength to keep the child from leaving or hurting their self. Maybe you raised your hand only to motion toward something and the child flinched or even ducked.

And your heart breaks for this young person.  You had hoped they knew you would never hit them.  You are a foster parent.  You signed up for this because you thought you had something to give — time and care and love — to kids who desperately need that.

You might become the person the county calls when a child is removed from a home and has nowhere else to go, or when a foster family needs a break. This is known as emergency respite.

Most foster kids want to be happy.  After a lifetime of abuse and neglect, they may not know how.  A foster parent is also there to be a support for reunification with the biological family.

The best foster parents build a fortress of protective factors around their foster children. Protective factors are those things that most of us take for granted — a friend to call when we need advice; someone to help whenever we aren’t enough on our own.

Some of us are born privileged to have built-in protective factors (a supportive family, enough money).  Most foster kids will need to collect them from somewhere else (perhaps a chosen family made up of friends). At school, they require trauma-informed teachers and staff who understand how ACEs can be reflected in behavior.

National data shows that more than 20 percent of children up to age 17 have experienced two or more ACEs.  Beyond abuse (physical, emotional, sexual) and general neglect these include the loss of a parent to death, divorce and abandonment.  A family member addicted to drugs or alcohol.  A family member that is incarcerated. Being exposed to domestic violence and mental health issues among the family’s members.

Brain toxicity exists. A child can have post-traumatic stress disorder. ACEs are not limited to low-income neighborhoods, domestic violence and substance abuse take place in higher income homes and are every bit as toxic. Learn to look at all people through a trauma-informed lens. Ask, if you suspect this, “What happened to you?” and then listen without adding your own opinions.

Every domestic-violence shelter worker or child-care provider, anyone who works for child-protective services, anyone associated with family court, law enforcement personnel and physicians – ALL need to be trained appropriately to deal with trauma related behavior

Trauma is not the fault of any child.  Understanding ACE impacts allows adults to see the reason behind the behaviors.  Baby steps in a positive direction are progress.