From an infertile foster parent turned guardian –

Do not kid yourselves that you’ll be enough. You won’t. You’ll never fill that hole that the parents can fill. You’ll never be able to dampen the thoughts they have in the quiet of the night about being with their real parents. Your situation isn’t different and your love isn’t sufficient.

Tonight me and the five year old, whom we’ve had since she was 6 months old and I adore endlessly, had one of our usual deep conversations about what’s going on in her sweet mind.

She told me how she thinks about her mom and dad every single night, when everything gets quiet and still, wishing they could go on walks to catch butterflies and go to the pool.

How she doesn’t like to talk about them too much cause it makes her really sad, her heart race and her belly sick.

How she wishes her Dad wasn’t in jail and that her Mom didn’t die, so she could go and stay at their house.

That she wishes she could cut herself in half – so half could be here with us and half be with her family.

She gets upset at herself for “telling me lies” (she tells me fantasy stories about things she and her mom did, when she was still with her) but she tells me them because she wishes they were true… we agreed that she should keep telling me these stories and I’ll help her by saying “do you wish that’s what happened?” Rather than just going along with it.

She wishes she could ask her Dad questions about her Mom so she could know her better.

She wanted to know why her mom used drugs.

I pulled out my (pathetic) list of things I know about her.. we listened to her favorite song and danced like she would have danced.

We spoke about her first jobs and favorite “boost” drink and looked at her favorite colors. We looked at photos and printed off more for her photo album, the one that she keeps under her pillow and looks at every night before bed.

None of this comes even close to what she needs nor will it repair the damage done to her heart and soul.

Don’t pretend you’re cool with this heart ache. Don’t pretend you’re cut out for this.

Don’t for a second think you’ll heal this.

Don’t pretend this is okay.

Don’t pretend that this will heal your infertility grief.

Don’t pretend that these children didn’t deserve the absolute freaking world and instead got dealt you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that they are better off with you.

Don’t believe the lie that DNA doesn’t matter.

Don’t kid yourself that your friend’s cousin’s sister’s best friend who is adopted is “happy and thankful”

Don’t ever think you’ll be enough.