Tag: Safety

Not The First One

It is a common experience for many women – I am one too. I also do know someone who had similar experiences to this woman in her own childhood. So, today’s story is really only one of many. Trigger warning if you need one to stop reading here.

Her back story – I am also a former foster child, and a victim of s*xual trafficking while in the system in the late 1990s and early 2000s. I was SA’ed and got pregnant at 16- resulting in a baby being born that I placed for adoption. I grew up in an abusive home on BOTH sides of my biological family. I was SA’ed by family members on BOTH sides of the family. I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused and neglected to varying levels of degree by BOTH sides of my family. Also considering I was SA’ed, resulting in the pregnancy— we later found out it was likely a ring of family members who participated in trafficking behaviors.

That being said – We know that adoption create trauma, and that it should be avoided when possible. Some believe that adoption should never be an option. I do respect and understand this will be emotional labor for those who answer. I value your time and energy into responding. I appreciate you taking the time.

How do you find where the behavior patterns in the biological family stop and thus create a safe home for a child? How do you suggest people navigate those waters? At what point does “whenever possible” to keep the family with biological connections TRULY become exhausted?

As an adoptee – First off- would you want to know the trauma that was behind your placement in a situation such as this? Would it make a difference how you felt towards your biological mother who had willing placed you for adoption in this situation? If your biological mother had the trauma that I had – do you still think that biological family connections should be explored at all costs?

As an adoptive parent – How do you ensure biological ties with histories such as the above and keep the child safe? In the event you were told something extreme about the biological family of the child you adopted—do you verify (especially if you adopted through the state)?

I’m simply asking – what could I of done differently at the time (in your opinion) other than place for adoption and made it safe for my child?

Some responses –

One adoptee shares – I was placed for adoption in 1971. I was born to a 14 year old girl and 21 year old man. It was not a safe situation to raise a child. The best place for me was in an adoptive home. I do have contact with my biological family now that I am an adult. They agree that the best decision was made at the time.

Another adoptee echoes something I have read from many adoptees, many times – I feel having an abortion would have been your best option. Having a relationship with natural family does not mean the child isn’t safe. They can have a relationship and see a biological mirror through supervised visitations. And I would absolutely want to know the trauma behind my placement. Adoptees always deserve the truth, even if it isn’t pretty.

Another adoptee notes – the safety of the child should always come first. While I acknowledge that adoption comes with serious trauma and I had and still have difficulties because of adoption, I love my life now. I love my husband, children, and grandchildren and am thankful to be alive every day. I know not all adoptees feel this way and it took a lot of work on myself to get to this place, but I’m thankful I wasn’t aborted. I do however feel that kinship placement or fictive kinship placement, where the child doesn’t lose his or her identity is a better alternative to adoption. I also understand that that might not have been possible in your case due to safety concerns. As far as telling the truth to the adoptee, absolutely yes. Adoptees deserve their true history just like everybody else.

LOVE this from an adoptee – Personally If you were my bio mom, I’d tell you, you are one of the strongest women I know. How brave and how much of a survivor, and thank you for protecting me as best you could. At least you cared, some of us have bios who honestly wished we would have never been born. I’m living my best life, surrounded by those who love me unconditionally, because I am worthy to have a life and live it to the best I can.

She asks – Was there a mothers home or a place that could have helped you get started with your baby ? I’ve volunteered at a maternity home which helps moms and babies get settled in together with other moms and helps them with parenting classes, education and job training ? There was no pressure for adoption just supporting young women. One day I hope to be a safe haven to someone who wants to raise their child but doesn’t have the ability or resources and help them get on their feet so they can support themselves and their baby.

An adoptive parent shares her approaches – I have the information I have regarding the unsafe members of kiddo’s first family because of people elsewhere in the family sharing what they experienced or saw with me. I didn’t have to verify, but there are some people once believed to be an imminent and direct threat to the baby (now five) and I look them up occasionally. We are in contact with Kiddo’s parent and I once had a party so that “safer” people on the other side of the family could see them. I also keep pictures of some of those people we don’t have contact with, provided by family members that we do. It allows us to talk to kiddo about things like “X is very tall, it looks like you are going to be tall like them.” “Your color of hair comes from Y, maybe it will look like this when you’re a little older.” “Sometimes when you smile it looks like this person”

One adoptee honestly admits – If I was the survivor of a SA and there was a pregnancy, I would never want to see that child again. I would definitely terminate but if it ended up being not possible, I would adopt the baby out and want it as far away as possible. I wouldn’t want it to stay with my own kin and risk having to see my rapist’s face reflected back at me. I would extensively defend any other SA victim’s right to do the same without judgement. As an adoptee, if I was the result of SA, I would much rather still be adopted and not know the truth than have stayed with bio family and had to know. It’s one of the few cases in which not knowing is probably better.

Then there was this from an adoptee/and birth mom, who was trafficked by her biological mom, a former foster care youth, adopted by abusive family at age 7, then disowned at 14, and trafficked again from 16 to 22 – I just came to say that telling a woman she should abort her child is absolutely insane and super disrespectful to all adoptees out here living life after surviving such a childhood, who found a way to make a beautiful life. Like you’re saying I should have never been born just because I would have trauma in my life. News flash folks – no one gets thru life without trauma or being a victim of something. Resiliency is also passed on – not just trauma. Also there is something just so wrong about the narrative that just because one’s life is going to be difficult that means they should die.

An adoptee notes – I want to know everything that led to where I am now. Before I had the real story, I romanticized all the details that I could imagine and suffered a very rude awakening when I was met with secondary rejection. I am one of the adoption abolitionists you mentioned in your post who thinks there is never a time for adoption but that is not to say I don’t believe there is ever a time for outside care. I just don’t believe in the permanent legal falsification of family history. I believe in guardianship when necessary but never the removal of identity.

Some suggestions from an adoptive mother – In your situation, an adopter should have your child focus on the connection with you, instead of the entire family, and maybe some same-age cousins (first, second, third…) whose parents did not assault you. I don’t know what you could have done to keep your child, while keeping them safe, because it depends on the resources that were at your disposal at the time. If you were a 16-year-old parenting foster youth in my jurisdiction, I would point you towards a dual enrollment community college program that allows you to substitute an AA (Associate of Arts) degree for junior and senior year in high school at zero cost, recommend several trades where AA’s have good pay and job prospects, and show you how to do paperwork for the free daycare program you would likely qualify for due to low or no income.

SAIL Away

Painting by Leonid Afremov

Related to a domestic violence situation and an expectant mother – here is her story.

She recently fled from an abusive relationship. She and the two other children have been staying in a motel. She reached out to an adoption agency.

Adoption agencies are predatory – they have to create that sense of obligation, so women will feel obligated to carry through with the adoption plans. In this case, they said the would pay for the mom and her kids to stay in the motel from now through 6 week’s postpartum. Keep in mind here, mom has a decent job. She can afford rent at an actual residence. It’s help with deposits and first and last month’s rent she needs help with. She certainly can’t save for that while paying for a motel.

That is how I learned about Special Assessment Intervention and Liaison (SAIL). Someone mentioned it and believes it is federal. They help pay deposits and utilities when a woman is fleeing domestic violence. The program’s goals are Safety and Self-sufficiency for each domestic violence victim and her family. They seek to determine if participation in work activities and/or child support enforcement activities would put the client at increased risk of danger.

Some of the SAIL Project services include – developing a safety plan, assisting in obtaining safe housing, filing for protection orders, attending court proceedings with the client, providing referrals to individual and group counseling and/or support groups, identifying community resources and obtain other necessary services and/or goods. Beyond direct client work, they educate employers about domestic violence and its extended costs.

Examples of some of the expenses SAIL might cover – Repairs for damage done by the perpetrator to the home in which the client lives such as broken windows, doors, locks, etc. Repairs for damage to the victim’s car that was done by the perpetrator and are necessary to safely operate the car. Deposits for rent and utilities for the victim to move away from the violence. Certain transportation costs, such as commercial travel fare, gas, truck/van rental (not insurance).

blogger’s note – I don’t know if this SAIL program is available in every state in the US. My information above came from program information related to the state of LINK>Alabama.

Often They DO Have A Family

The Davis Family with Ugandan Adoptee

I was previously aware of this issue – adoptees from outside of the US actually having a family before the adoptive family. Saw a story today that was on CNN by Jessica Davis titled LINK>The ‘orphan’ I adopted from Uganda already had a family.

Jessica writes – I’ve always hoped to make a difference in this world. To bring goodness, peace or healing to a world that often seems inundated with loss, hardship and a vast array of obstacles that make life difficult for so many. When it came to the decision to adopt, it seemed like a no-brainer. I thought this was one way to make a difference, at least for one child. My husband, Adam, and I would open our home and our hearts to a child in need.

Adam and I thoroughly researched at each step of the process in the hopes of ensuring a proper and ethical adoption. You see, we were already parents to four biological children, so this was not about “having another child” or simply “growing our family.” For us, adopting was about sharing our abundance – our family, love and home with a child who lacked these basic necessities.

She writes – I remember reading that there are almost 3 million orphans in Uganda, and with that statistic in mind (and a bit more research), in October of 2013 we began the journey to adopt from there. We did piles of paperwork, got countless sets of fingerprints and spent tens of thousands of dollars. It took a little over a year to get through all the formalities, but I was driven to get to the best part of this process, meeting the needs of a child.

In 2015, we welcomed a beautiful, strong and brave 6-year-old girl named Namata into our home. It took a little over a year and a half to realize the things “our” child was telling us were not adding up to the stories told within the paperwork and provided to us by our adoption agency, European Adoption Consultants, Inc. In fact, later on, the US State Department debarred the agency for three years, meaning it could no longer place children in homes. The State Department said it found “evidence of a pattern of serious, willful or grossly negligent failure to comply with the standards and of aggravating circumstances indicating that continued accreditation of EAC would not be in the best interests of the children and families concerned.”

When she began listening with openness, instead of being clouded by her own privilege and experiences, she realized what her adopted daughter was so desperately trying to get her to understand. The child we had struggled for years to adopt was not an orphan at all, and almost everything that was written in her paperwork and told to us about her background was not an accurate description of her life in Uganda.

Jessica continues – we eventually uncovered that she had a very loving family from which she had been unlawfully taken, in order (we believe and are convinced) to provide an “orphan” to fulfill our application to adopt. Namata’s mother was told only that Adam and I were going to care for her child, while we provided her with an education, which is a central pathway to empowerment and opportunity in Uganda. She never knowingly relinquished her rights as Namata’s mother, but once there was a verbal confirmation that we would adopt Namata, those on the ground in Uganda forged paperwork and placed Mata in an orphanage.

The truth is that there are villages in Uganda and across the world where mothers, fathers, siblings and grandparents are desperate to be reunited with the children who were unlawfully separated from them through international adoption. It has been heartbreaking for me to realize that so beautiful and pure an act can be tainted with such evil. But as with so many beautiful things in this world, corruption and greed are a reality – one we can’t simply ignore.

Jessica notes – Throughout the journey to reunite Namata with her family, I have been met with so much resistance, saturated in entitlement and privilege. More than once I have been asked, why don’t you just “keep her”? These are words I use when describing something I purchased at the grocery store! I never owned Namata; she is a human being who deserves better than that type of narrow-minded and selfish thinking. I was told that it was my Christian duty to keep her and “raise her in the proper faith.”

Jessica affirms – My race, country of origin, wealth (though small, it’s greater than that of the vast majority of people in the world), my access to “things,” my religion – none of these privileges entitles me to the children of the poor, voiceless and underprivileged. If anything, I believe these privileges should come with a responsibility to do more, to stand up against such injustices. We can’t let other families be ripped apart to grow our own families!

She shares – I have seen the beauty of a family restored and there is nothing quite like it. Adam and Namata took the long journey to her remote village in Uganda together, while I remained at our home with the biological children. We could not afford for both of us to go, and my husband was concerned for my safety after the corruption I had exposed. He was also just as concerned for Namata’s safety and wanted to be at her side until the moment she was home in the protection of her mother’s arms. So I reluctantly said my goodbyes to her here in America. In September of 2016, Namata’s mother embraced her child with joy and laughter abounding and they have not spent a day apart since. Namata has flourished since being home and I am thankful for that.

Her perspective changed, she adds – What if we decided to do everything in our power to make sure those children could live their lives with the families God intended for them in the first place ? I’m not talking about children taken by necessity from abusive or neglectful homes, but those whose loving families were wrongly persuaded to give them up. Families who thought the decision was out of their control because of illness, poverty, lack of access to education, intimidation, coercion or a false idea about what the “American dream” means for their child.

I have also seen a new wave of opened eyes among parents who adopt children – parents who understand the losses their adopted children have suffered, who listen to them, who rise to the huge obligations and high standards that adoption requires. Only through listening and acknowledging hard truths can adoption lead to an ethical and positive outcome. It may mean a lifetime of making sure a child holds on to his or her cultural or racial identity, or keeping alive his or her ties to their birth family, no matter how hard that may be.

More Adoptable

There are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home from foster care …. because they are more adoptable. 

Actually, there were 2 reasons – who takes care of kids when parents can not parent ? One – plenty of parents who CAN parent get their children taken either because they are poor or because of bias on behalf of CFS/CPS/CWS, whatever it is called in your state. Two – plenty of parents are never given a chance to parent because their child gets taken at birth by coercion.

Foster care is not as necessary as we make it, and there are reasons that kids under 5 rarely return home…. because they are more adoptable. When those in a position of authority, or those who are mandated reporters are given discretion in cases involving child welfare, there can often be disparities in decisions regarding the removal of children from homes or the substantiation of child abuse claims. These disparities stem from a combination of factors, including the lack of clear guidelines, the subjective nature of assessing risk, and the influence of biases that may unintentionally come into play.

One example of vague guidelines is California, where there is an absence of a universally defined legal age at which children can be left home alone. This lack of a specific age leaves room for interpretation and discretion by authorities. While some states have guidelines, they often include language such as “maturity and safety of the situation” as determining factors.

Vague language can lead to inconsistent decisions as different individuals may interpret maturity and safety differently. Additionally, the discretionary power given to those with authority to remove a child means that they must make quick, on-the-spot assessments of risk and safety. This can be influenced by various factors, including personal biases, cultural norms, and past experiences. Research has shown that biases—whether based on race, socio-economic status, or other factors—can unintentionally impact decision-making, leading to disparities in how cases are handled.

Someone may be more likely to view a situation as unsafe or reportable if it involves a family from a marginalized community, even if the circumstances are similar to those of families from more privileged backgrounds. This bias can result in disparities in how child welfare cases are investigated, substantiated, or acted upon. Minority children at least 12 months old with accidental injuries are 3 times more likely than their white counterparts to be reported for suspected abuse. Black and low-income infants are more likely to be tested at birth for drug exposure than are infants from white or more affluent families, even though rates of prenatal substance use among racial and economic groups are similar.

If you have access to Medium, you may wish to check out LINK>Empowered By Megan.

Regrets Are Strong On Holidays

Shared by a mother who surrendered her child to adoption –

Being a birth mother SUCKS during seasons and special times like these, whilst we also have children being raised by other families. I honestly feel its getting harder and harder as the years go by. I’m truly struggling more to handle the fact as the years go by, the older she gets, the more this pain keeps going. “It’ll be okay” but truthfully, it never has been. The pain can seriously be way too much because we’re just wishing things were different.

All I want to do is watch my 11 year old daughter open her presents because Santa came and listen to her voice, her giggles and see her smile, and just be happy. There’s that piece, the little spot, that hole, the little place that is missing and needs to be put back. I hate that it won’t ever be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful she’s safe. I was unstable and couldn’t parent when I was 19. Then it happened, and she was taken away due to domestic violence and I being controlled by that. Now I’m stable and healthy but I am still missing out on my child’s life. I’m thankful she has a safe home now but it’s not mine, I wish it was so badly!

I cant even send a little message to say Happy Birthday because it’s a closed adoption! All these rules drive me crazy! Just a single cuddle. ANYTHING! The years are getting harder and harder and I’m not coping. I wish I didn’t have to live with this, feel this. But sadly I am, I wish I could remember her smell. OMG, I miss her so much.

But anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas to my beautiful daughter who unfortunately isn’t at home. And Merry Christmas to all the lovely and kind people who can understand a mom’s feelings regarding a missing child.

Adopters=Co-dependancy

An adoptive parent admits she is co-dependent. She was learning all about co-dependency, due to an unrelated (to adoption) life situation, when it hit her that adoptive parents are co-dependent. She writes – that she is ‘not always/not all’ aware, so no need to point it out. But she is certain there is a high likelihood of adopters being co-dependent AF.

She notes that the reason she posted this is – we can only grow and do better from what we know. And we won’t know we are codependent, unless we learn about it. Co-dependent people thrive on being needed. They find taking care of others more fulfilling than anything. They make other people’s problems their own. It’s more of a personality type, than a disorder but it can get unhealthy very easily, if we are not aware. She added – “My goal is to cause as little additional trauma to my kids as possible….I will learn and do better !”

An adoptive parent who is also a therapist notes – I see that as a theme with some who adopt. I don’t want to over categorize people, but the place I have noticed this the most is with those who adopt from other countries or foster care, after they have had their biological kids. That role appeals to them. It becomes part of their identity. And yes, it is important to see how that leads to wanting gratitude and other unhealthy patterns. One adoptee responded to that with this – “WOW! CAN YOU ELABORATE MORE?! I have become so hyper independent, it’s bad/sad. My adoptive parents had two biological kids and adopted me 15 years later.” Someone else understood – We learned to try and control the situation, so we could be safe.

A mother who lost her child to adoption writes – Yeah if I wasn’t co-dependent (as a result of trauma growing up) then, I’m sure I wouldn’t have given my son up. I would’ve had the confidence to say no and stand up for myself. Another responded – I would not have bought into the idea that another mother would be better than me.

The more common trait in adoptive mothers is narcissism. One wrote – the two are similar and it’s important we don’t try to diagnose ourselves. But those who try to break the trauma cycle are more likely to be the co-dependent one. Narcissists usually don’t have the self awareness or empathy to admit their mental health needs. If you’re curious look at covert narcissists. (from LINK>VeryWell Mind – A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition.)

They Just Won’t Stop

Today’s story describes what some expectant mothers go through after they decide to keep and parent their baby –

What can I do to make the guilt of keeping my baby go away? I’m not in a position to keep her really but I am going to anyways. The hopeful adoptive parents have called me selfish, and have made it clear they’ll do whatever they have to do to get my baby away from me.

I’ve already dealt with a wellness check as well as Div of Children and Families/Child Protective Services/Dept of Social Services workers coming to my home after a call to them from the hopeful adoptive parents. In the report, they said they’re worried about my unborn baby’s well being and that they know she isn’t safe with me.

I’ve sent letters formally withdrawing all consent for medical releases and stating I’m choosing to parent.

But they wont stop. They have gotten me so low, I feel like I’m ruining my baby’s life. I’m close to just saying “fine, take her”, only to make them stop. It’s overwhelming. They never stop, it’s emails, calls, voicemails, texts – all stating that I need to rethink what I’m doing.

They said they’re willing to do an open adoption, but I know they’re only saying what I want to hear. blogger’s note – the reality is that most “open adoptions” eventually fail to honor the agreements that adoptive parents will make simply to coerce the mother to let them have her baby.

This is too much.

Safety Security and Protection

I was intrigued and drawn in by this graphic image but wasn’t really finding what my heart was calling for from Dr Shaw. However, I did find this – LINK> Attachment Explained by Sarah Mundy. I had previously been exposed to Reactive Attachment Disorder in my all things adoption community. Sarah notes regarding “attachment” that “with different approaches and a number of terms banded around it can feel so confusing.” Sarah is a Clinical Psychologist with over 15 years of experience in the field. She also admits that as the mother of three, she has learned that theory does not always feel that easy to translate into practice. 

Attachment theory was developed by Psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1930s. Shaped by their experiences of being parented, children develop an internal working model, a template of how they see themselves and the world. Humans learn to behave in ways that will help maximize their chances of getting their needs met.

Sarah goes on to describe 4 attachment patterns – Secure, Insecure/Ambivalent, Insecure/Avoidant and Disorganized. It is clear to me now from 5 years of reading the thoughts and experiences of adoptees now that many of these challenges show up in how they were parented.

As a parent, I am well aware of those times when I feel that I did not do as good of a job parenting as I might have wished. Sarah says, “Try to remember that secure attachment relationships may be what we aspire to, but they are not actually that normal! Please try not to worry – nearly half of us lean towards insecure attachment relationships – they are adaptive ways to fit with the parenting that we have experienced.” 

It is reassuring to know that a recent study on infant attachment found that parents need to be “in tune” with their babies about 50% of the time in order for them to develop secure attachment relationships. The benefits of developing a secure attachment are multitude – when we are safe in our relationships the world feels more exciting and less frightening. We can be vulnerable and know that others can help us, we can be curious and find joy more easily. 

Sarah has more to say at the link.

Analogies

Perspectives from the mouths of babes. Today’s story (as often is the case, not my own).

I keep thinking about the analogies the six year old in my care (guardianship) shared with me (a month ago and the other day) about the difference between a birth Mum and a guardian Mum.

••••••••••••••

#1 We were driving in the car chatting and she stated randomly that I’m not her ”actual Mum”

I asked her what does she think “actual” means, she said “real”

I asked what does ”real” mean to her (I ask her what these things mean to her, not to question her/doubt her, but to understand where her mind is at and also quite frankly, to keep any potential offence in myself at bay, so I know exactly what she’s saying and not just what I’m reading into things)

She replied “you know how you have real plants and fake plants? Well the real plant is the real Mum”

I replied “so does that make me the fake plant?”

“Uhhhhh” was her reply, we both burst into laughter, “it’s okay babe, I’m okay to be your fake plant”

••••••••••••

#2 “You know how you can have a thick ladder? That’s an actual Mum, one who gave birth to a baby. Then there’s a thin ladder, who didn’t give birth… that’s you”

I could be thinking deeper into deeper than necessary, but this is what I hear.

• A thick ladder – you can climb up each step without hesitation, you trust it to hold your weight, it was created well for the job at hand •

• A thin ladder – you’ll be slower to climb it, making sure it’s sturdy enough to hold you, you’ll be unsure on each step wondering will this hold ?, it will likely need some reinforcements at some point to keep it functioning well and safely •

Oh the mind of this incredible and sore in her bones six year old.