Tag: Self Hatred

The Forgiveness Is Your Work

In my all things adoption group there are many mothers who lost their child to adoption who find it difficult to accept the forgiveness that only they can give themselves. Today, I read one such other write – Does anyone else (a birth mother like me) go through a lot of self hatred and can’t forgive one’s self for our decisions. I struggle to forgive myself and accept the reality of what I did. I need my surrendered child to tell me she forgives being given up for adoption.

I’ve had a lot of that hating myself since my daughter was adopted at 4 days old (due to domestic violence). Yes, I was unstable and I beat myself up over choosing to be with her biological dad. Yeah, I will admit that I’m an idiot. 

She’s now 11 and still, I struggle to forgive myself. I think the only way I can get over the pain would be if she tells me clearly that she forgives me. The feelings are so strong. I’ve been outta the fog (of believing the fairytale lies about adoption) for almost 2 years but I wish I was still fogged, because it hurts so much. My regrets are strong and painful.

Another similar mother says – I’m sorry for your pain, mama. I know guilt is one of the hardest thing to work through, especially coupled with this pain, loss and regret. My reasons for placing were different than yours but I struggle tremendously with regret and guilt. I understand the longing to hear your child forgive you. It’s our job to find our own path to healing as birth mothers. We cannot look to our children to fill the empty holes or provide a pardon for our choices. And if you do get an opportunity to explain your choices to your child, it will not be helpful to them for you to defend your choice or have an expectation of understanding. The best thing we can do for our children from today forward is to get therapy or do the work we need to do in order to be our healthiest selves so that when we do have a relationship with them, we can take ownership of our choices and focus on being there FOR them.

Yet another – It’s not for my child to absolve me of my guilt. It’s mine to work through. I spent nearly 40 years in the fog (only came out a few years ago) and the onus is on me to take ownership of the harm I caused – however inadvertent or unplanned. I’m doing the work of healing for myself and in the hope that some day we meet again and I can be a part of their life in whatever form that is good for them. My child is the only one in this mess that had no decision in what happened and they have paid the highest cost. They shouldn’t have to pay more. And to answer your original question – yes, I have hated myself for making the decision I did. But hatred doesn’t heal.

And another – I came out of the fog after a couple of months post-placement. And it all went downhill from there. Almost lost contact with the adoptive parents. Now, I know there’s no way in hell I can be mad at myself. They did that to you. Took advantage of you in your time of need. A small crisis, if you will. They did it on PURPOSE. And if it wasn’t gonna be you, it would be someone else ! That “we chose you” adoption crap is just a narrative! Because they would’ve chosen anyone! Take that anger and turn it into good. Speak out on adoption. Speak out on family preservation. And keep doing it!

And this simple admission –  It took me decades to forgive my 16 year old self.

Blogger’s note – There are 4 mothers in my own family line who lost their child to adoption. I have a lot of empathy for them, regardless of the circumstances.

Never Good Enough

I’m going to let this person’s words stand on their own merits and be “enough.” Not being “enough” in whatever way is a common experience for adoptees.

I’ve always been the black sheep of the family with how shitty my mental health has been since I was young. Always getting in trouble for being ‘too sensitive’. Yelled at, shamed, ignored or bullied into silence. My adoptive parents had high expectations of me and gave me such a great life. I tried to live up to that, but always fell short…nothing was ever good enough for them. I have burned myself out trying to please them and ultimately turned to addiction to self-medicate.

I was diagnosed with ADD at 14, so I could be put into a private school because I was ‘too difficult’. I wasn’t…I just had a hard time coping in school and understanding everything…It was very expensive and they hold it over my head a lot, because my mental health never recovered enough to attend a university or college…my step brothers also had mental health issues as well, but they’ve both turned out financially successful. They compare us a lot. One brother won’t even acknowledge me anymore, even in family settings, ‘because of how much I’ve put the family through’… the shame is soul-crushing.

It’s been just over a year in recovery, but they’re always quick to point out what I’m doing wrong. They think ‘I should be fixed by now’, yet still tell me I need to improve because no one likes to be around me. This is a long time in the making, but I’m officially exploring an Autsim diagnosis. I’ve kept this to myself, because in the past, they’ve gotten very angry about it…they tell me somethings wrong with me but REFUSE to accept that it’s likely autism, because ‘that would make them,’ a bad parent…it’s not about THEM. It’s about understanding ME. My meltdowns, my mood swings, my ‘weirdness’, how I relate and have relationships with people and the world itself. I’ve been involved with different psychiatrists since childhood, because I was ‘too sensitive’. I feel like I have to argue this diagnosis to them for them to accept and try to understand me.

They tell me I’m a hypochondriac for trying to find something that’s wrong, yet they’re the ones TELLING ME there’s something wrong with me and that I need to seek help. I’m on meds, in therapy, I’ve been on disability long term, which pays my rent and food. I feel I’m doing EVERYTHING I can to make things work…but they’re not doing anything to help this situation, then tell me I’m the problem. I was told recently after an interaction, when I attempted to put up an emotional boundary and explain it, that life isn’t fair and I have to do things I don’t like. I calmly told them, ‘I don’t like much in life, but still I’m rising to meet the task’. The fact that I was stating my needs right then – caused a blowout and I was kicked out of the car.

Honestly I’m so hurt and tired. The self-hatred and shame never goes away…I don’t mean to sound like I’m blaming others and not taking responsibility for my actions. I was so blinded by wanting to stop the pain through addiction, I didn’t know how it affected everyone else. I was trying to self-destruct, instead of hurting anyone else’s feelings. When self-medicating, I’d isolate, so others wouldn’t get roped into my misery. I didn’t steal or beg family or friends for money. I wanted my parents to know that I respected them enough not to take their things, even when I was self-destructing.

Now that I’m realizing I was trying to manage my autism, PTSD, ADD – I have started talking with my doctor and therapist about making positive changes to help me. But I’m at a loss with my family. They won’t be receptive to this the possibility of autism and will think I’m ‘trying to find something else to blame’. I’m not…I’m just trying to understand myself, so I can function in this society. Like they’ve wanted me to all along. I’ve been killing myself trying to make them happy and it never feels like enough.