Abandonment Nightmares

It does not surprise me that some adoptees have nightmares related to abandonment. Here’s one –

I finally realized today why I have separation anxiety, why I do all the things I do. I was told around 4 years old I was adopted because my family didn’t want to take care of me, and that my adoptive parents stepped in and wanted to.

I started have extreme nightmares about being abandoned around 4-5, right after my adoptive parents told me I was adopted. They made me feel as though my biological mother didn’t want me, and that I should be grateful that they wanted me.

It finally clicked tonight. My nightmares started after I was told. I dreamed catastrophe was coming and my adoptive parents would yell “You’re on your own now” as they ran off to save themselves. Only reason it clicked was because my nightmares are back. I also started having extreme sleep issues around 4-5 years old.

I found an article about LINK>What is Abandonment? by Michael Hallett. He notes that “Some people are unfortunate enough to lose the support of a parent or significant other, often during childhood, creating feelings of abandonment” which certainly fits the experience of many adoptees. He goes on to elaborate – “Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss, cut off from a crucial source of sustenance that has been withdrawn, either suddenly, or through a process of erosion.” Which also fits the story shared above.

He goes on to suggest that there are five layers of trauma – Current Life, Generational, Community, Racial and Ancestral. He also notes that as we peel away the layers of the unconscious, we discover that abandonment can be caused by inherited traumas just as much as current-life events.

No real point other than, it does not surprise me and I’ve reflected on it quite a lot – especially as I have learned more about the adoption industry in general and listened to adoptee voices. My adoptee parents (both were adopted as toddlers) are deceased. Of course, I wish the details had emerged when they were yet alive. I wish I could have the deep conversations with them about their feelings related to having been adopted. Now, I can only listen to current day adult adoptees and contemplate what might or might not relate to my knowledge and understanding of my own parents during the time they were still present in my life.

You can read more about Michael Hallett and his interest in the topic at LINK>About.

The Effect of Social Stressors on our Genes

I was reading this article in Science News and thought about the trauma that adoptees suffer.

Jenny Tung, an Evolutionary Anthropologist at Duke University asks – “Why when you don’t have the right sort of social connections, why does your risk of death just shoot up? And, What’s the consequence of chronic social stress?” Not that she answered those questions but posed them.

As the child of 2 adoptees, I have wondered about how their stressors impacted the genes they passed down to me. Some studies have indicated an ability to inherit these stress affected genes.

My husband also shared with me an article in The Guardian – “Families separated at border under Trump suffering severe trauma” according to a study by the Physicians for Human Rights, a first analysis on mental health effects. These effects have endured even after they were reunited.

Adoptees in reunion with their original families can probably relate. For myself, one simply can’t recover the kind of relationship they would have had with these people decades later. The lack of family history between us is permanently damaging to a familial sense. However, it is possible to attempt to build some kind of good relationship, it simply won’t be as close as if one had been around the people all their lives.

Between 2017 and 2018, the US government under Trump’s direction separated more than 5,000 children – the youngest just four months old – from their parents as an act of deterrence to other would-be asylum seekers fleeing violence and persecution in Central America.

The study group comprised asylum seekers from Honduras, Guatemala and El Salvador and included 19 parents and 12 children of whom the youngest was six at the time they were wrenched from their families. The experts included psychologists, psychiatrists and pediatricians. The most common conditions were post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. The most shocking finding was that severe psychological distress continued in some cases long after parents and children had been brought back together. A Guatemalan girl aged six was suffering from PTSD a year after she had been reunited with her parents, while an eight-year-old boy displayed severe symptoms of PTSD and separation anxiety two years later.

The clinicians recorded a range of symptoms that frequently arise following traumatic experiences, including feelings of confusion and panic, depression, frequent crying, nightmares and other sleep problems, and loss of appetite. Among the children, several displayed regressive behavior such as crying, clinging to parents or caregivers, incontinence and uncontrollable fear. The overall conclusion of this study was that US officials intentionally inflicted severe pain and suffering on Central American asylum seekers in order to punish and coerce them not to pursue asylum claims. The report said that the actions of US immigration agents amounted to torture and cruel and inhumane treatment as defined under international law.

None of these findings will be surprising to adult adoptees.

“This analysis shows the trauma and agony endured by parents and children who were forcefully separated from one another, and the compounding toll that trauma takes on both mental and physical health, lingers with these individuals for weeks, months and years after they’ve been reunited,” said Ranit Mishori, PHR’s senior medical adviser and co-author of the study. PHR said that its study underlined the urgent need for mental health treatment for the parents and children.

Speaking Out

Adoptees are speaking up about the suffering they have endured and I am grateful to each and every one of them who tells the truth at great risk to their relationships. The truth needs to be heard and healing cannot happen unless the reality is faced.

Sometimes we do what we have to do. In our heart we know that there are going to be repercussions but the truth needs to come out. Not everyone is going to appreciate it but it is always what must happen regardless.

It’s okay, and normal, to fear change. It’s going to run strong with a history of separation anxiety untreated. If you’re suffering right now, I understand that it sucks when people abandon you. You need to focus on your self and commit to healing and improving yourself. It is easier said than done but necessary. I have lost contact with people who do matter to me because their pain was such they could not face it directly but needed to blame me for the suffering I did not actually cause.

There are wounds that cruelty and separation cause that can never be undone in this lifetime. I wouldn’t know every thing I do if adoptees weren’t explaining their perspectives.

Please know this. You’re important, you’re voice and feelings are important, and although this may cause a riff with another person, it needs to be said for a better way to emerge. That doesn’t mean that the riff will ever feel good within your own heart. Hugs.