Safe Surrender

Certainly, babies have been abandoned and later found with tragic results. I was aware of Baby Safe Haven boxes at fire stations. I wasn’t aware that the concept has expanded. Advertisements for the option include words like “No Shame, No Blame, No Names”.

Today, I read an informed person’s thoughts about Safe Surrenders – she wrote there is “so much ick surrounding the “safe surrender” story line, when with resources and help, the family would have been intact. It just broke us. I understand the “reason” for the anonymity of the surrender but I really wish there was some kind of question to determine why they felt this was their option. Do they need funding? Housing? Clothes? Material things? Emotional support? Physical or addiction needs? There really isn’t a situation, that without services, couldn’t be resolved and the family remain intact. I wish our country (US) was more willing to put the programs in place but I wish communities were also more empowered for this. It breaks my heart that these moms and children are separated when possibly very little is needed to help them.”

It is a refrain that I read over and over again. A point I make about our society being unwillingly to appropriately support families in crisis.

An adoptive parent noted – The “safe haven baby box” doesn’t necessarily have to be a part of it. My daughter was surrendered at a hospital. None of the safe haven babies I know about (around 30) were surrendered to a box in a wall…… they were surrendered at hospitals (the mother gave birth and left or simply walked in and handed the baby over). Some are surrendered at fire stations to an actual person or in a police station to a actual person.

To which someone asked – Isn’t there a window of time the mom or dad could come back for their baby? The answer was – Yes. The window does depend on the state. I’m in Wisconsin and here it is 3 months. If someone steps forward, then the case turns to a “regular” foster care case AFTER DNA is proven. ANY blood relative can step forward. After 3 months, the case continues as an adoptive case and adoption can occur after 6 months.

Again, the really is when local groups rally around a mom who’s struggling, very little help is necessary to support them. It can make a huge difference in a woman feeling so desperate that dropping her baby off at a hospital is a rational decision vs having that community support so that she can be successful in providing for her child. It’s almost insane. I think this is the reason people are very quick to point out a double standard. Too often, society will rally around an adoptive mom but a single mom struggling ? She really has a much more difficult time receiving the same offers of help. To the sad situation that a lot of them get shamed and so will not ask for help.

Many hopeful adoptive parents will sign up to foster “safe haven” babies. Their hope is to adopt (yes, this is actually a thing). In another person’s state, the natural parents have 14 days to come forward. I can’t imagine how bad a situation would have to be, to surrender your newborn. And there is heartbreak for that mother … and heartbreak for that child as they go through life not knowing their parents or medical history (or even their real birthdate).

Mental Health Challenge

Mental health issues are important to me. I have dealt with serious ones within my own birth family. Today’s story –

I am asking for ideas on how to best help my sister. Last week I got a phone call from my sister begging me to come get her daughter because she had an angry outburst towards her daughter. I left work, called my husband, and we went to her house. We came up with a plan to temporarily have her daughter stay with us (not a custody agreement, basically more like a sleep over) and keep her until my sister could get some mental help. I live 5 minutes away from my sister, so it’s a very close drive.

Later that night my sister called and accused us of trying to steal her daughter, take control, and strip her of her rights. We immediately explained that we had absolutely no intent of that and she had every single right to come get her daughter and I promised her that I only want what is best for both my sister and her baby. She ended up deciding to leave her daughter with us. Each day we keep heavily in contact, I ask permission before doing anything with her daughter and assure her that she is the best mother for her daughter and that I support her.

However my sister is not showing interest in trying to get help mentally. (blogger’s note – this is an issue I have dealt with in my own family.) She also keeps saying things like “R is happier at your house” “R does not listen to me like she does you” and making comments about R needing to stay at my house permanently. It’s not even been a full week and I want to give her time. My question is how can I help? What are things that I need to do during this time to help my sister and also keep her relationship with my niece intact. I try reminding her that she is an amazing mother. I try reminding her that I also have had periods in my life where I had to seek help due to my own mental health. I just feel like I’m not supporting her enough. I want to help break the cycle (we faced this with our own birth mother). I want to make sure I am not over stepping. I want to make sure I am not enabling either. I also don’t want to put unrealistic expectations on her that might cause more harm.

A suggestion from an adoptee who has had a similar life experience – When I was only 17, I was taking care of my brother’s kids (at the time he was in his 40s. and his girlfriend was in her 30s). My suggestion is that I would try to go over to her house or have her stay with you and help her navigate the relationship with her daughter. Try to see what is triggering her outbursts and go from there. She might need professional help. I went through a similar situation with my ex-sister-in-law. Her wakeup call was when the kids were being taken into foster care. How often does your sister get a break from being (I assume) a single mom ? How old is your niece ? She might just need a break. Set up a schedule and take your niece a few times a month, when it works with y’alls schedule. I’m always offering to take friend’s kids or my nieces and nephews to spend time with me and my kids.

Foster Care To Adoption Death

After a four-day trial, Ariel Robinson was convicted of homicide by child abuse in the death of 3-year-old Victoria “Tori” Rose Smith. She died at their home in Simpsonville South Carolina on January 14, 2021. Prosecutors said Robinson severely beat the child with a belt which caused her to suffer internal bleeding. After an hour and a half of deliberation, Robinson was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. Her husband, Jerry “Austin” Robinson, testified against her. He made a plea deal and faces a sentence of 10 to 20 years in prison.

Victoria with her large, biological family

Victoria’s biological relatives believe people who scrutinize the young girl’s January 14 death along racial lines will not do anything to prevent another tragedy. (The foster parents and their biological sons were black, the girl and her two brothers were white.) Her biological family says the blame belongs to the South Carolina Department of Social Services (SCDSS) who were too quick to seize her from biological mom, Casie Phares, and didn’t do enough to ensure she was going to a safe home.

“This could have happened in a bad white home or they could have been placed in a loving black home where none of this would have happened. The point is that the people in charge of the adoption process are supposed to see through the smoke. These people are the experts, we trusted them to put the kids in a safe and loving environment. We now know they weren’t safe, they weren’t in a good home. Victoria was sweet, she was sassy. She was a smart, happy little girl and now she’s gone. It’s devastating,” Michelle Urps, Victoria’s great aunt, said in an interview.

Robinson had adopted Victoria and her two older brothers in March 2020. She has written repeatedly about her commitment to social justice, tweeting in the wake of the Capitol riot about how her four sons would experience the world differently because of their skin color. “In my house, my black children get treated the same as my white children, and my white children get treated the same as my black children. It’s a shame that when they go out into the real world, that won’t be the case.”

Three days before Victoria was allegedly beaten to death Robinson posted a cute collage of photos of the pair together, captioning it: “We go together like ketchup & MUSTARD! #MiniMe Being a girl mom is awesome.”

What occurs to me is – why with such a large extended biological family were the children taken and placed where they were ? Victoria’s case is unfortunately not the first time SCDSS has been blamed in a child’s death.

Victoria’s biological mother, Casie Phares, said she was never abusive to her children, but bullied by SCDSS into giving her children up. Phares said she was first flagged by SCDSS when she tested positive for marijuana while pregnant with Victoria. After Victoria tested positive as a newborn, Victoria’s aunt, Michelle Urps said “things just kind of spiraled from there.”

According to Victoria’s biological aunt, Michelle Urps – One day, while under SCDSS radar, Phares fell asleep while watching the two boys and Victoria, who was a newborn at the time. She had been up all night with the baby the night before. The two boys ran to the neighbors while their mom was asleep, The neighbors contacted police and that was the “final straw” with SCDSS. Phares was struggling to find housing at the time, which made her case with SCDSS even worse.

We don’t support families well enough to preserve children in the family they were born into. Many lose their children for nothing worse than being in poverty. This applies even more to struggling single moms.