Difficult Conversations

Not the child in today’s story.

We have guardianship of a 7yr old. He has lived with us twice before through foster care but always returned home after sobriety was achieved.

Guardianship happened after the 3rd relapse in 6 years.

Grandparents have guardianship of some older siblings and often go camping in the summer and invite his mom to join them (their daughter and mother of the kids).

How would you navigate the conversation of yes he can go camping with his family but he can’t move back in with his mom, since she is still in rehab and we don’t know when/if he ever will, due to her substance abuse history?

Is it as simple as saying it that way? I don’t want to overcomplicate it.

He knows that his mom was arrested for drugs and that’s why he has lived with us through the years. His whole life we have genuinely had a good relationship with his mom. We send her pictures and he has had several supervised visits since the last relapse and they FaceTime several times during the week.

One suggestion – “All grown-ups need help taking care of kids. That’s why we are teamed up with the adults in your family, so that we can all help each other take the best care of you.”

One person formerly in foster care asks – Do you think he would want to go? I’m only speaking from my personal experience. I didn’t like events like that when I was a kid with my father because he would try to act like he was this good dad and it was uncomfortable and I felt out of place the entire time. That’s not to say he shouldn’t go but there are a lot of emotional things to navigate outside of just her sobriety.

Another one suggested – put it back on the courts, if he asks. “Right now the judge decided it’s best for you to stay with us. When the judge tells us you can come back to your mom we will absolutely make it happen.” And if he asks when, it’s okay to say that you don’t know but will keep him updated as soon as you do.

An elementary school teacher who has some experience with parents that have addiction issues said – the camping experience is an opportunity for an extended visit with your mom and grandparents. Your mom and grandparents are going to make sure you and your siblings have a great time together. Your mom is still doing some really important work to be her best, and she still needs some more time to do that. Which means you are not going to go home to live with her yet. She added – ask if he’s comfortable with that because it might be more traumatic for him to deal with that separation all over again. She also suggested a therapist to talk about the trauma he’s experienced, in general. She then shared – My mom struggled with addiction for years and, while I was never removed, I wish I could have had someone who didn’t make her the bad guy for fighting a really difficult disease. It takes an incredible amount of work to fight that addiction, and kudos to his mom to keep trying.

One adoptive parent said – Sometimes the answers are just what they are and there isn’t a nice explanation just a hard truth. we just talk about it honestly. Mom had a drug addiction and tons of childhood trauma herself. We talk about those things. How trauma and addiction can effect us. We always emphasize that it isn’t anything against them. She added – my experience is to always go with the truth. Sometimes the situation just sucks and it is ok to say that. And added – she never negatively talks about their Mom – ever – but the girls sometimes express anger. We validate those feelings but I never jump on that bandwagon.

Damn-It Missouri

Today’s story (and as usual – not mine) –

I had court today and I was told by the judge that she can’t safely reunify me with my four children because I allegedly have a history of having multiple boyfriends/toxic relationships. I’ve been in a relationship with two men in 5 years. She said the case has been opened for 14 months and time is running out. My lawyer told me after court I can pick adoption or guardianship for two of my children (with a new foster family who are strangers with either choice). There is no guarantee they will be together. My oldest son will go to his dad’s house. My baby is 4 months old and I can still work towards reunification, since I’m not at my year mark yet.

I got granted weekend overnights on May 2nd and 3 hours later they showed up, after a guy I was briefly seeing reported it. They removed my newborn for allegedly allowing a man to live with me and my newborn for 2 months. I didn’t have anyone living with me, other then my newborn. I had 4 people verify that – my parents, my baby sitter, and my service provider. The court moved me back to supervised visits.

I’m desperately trying to get my kids out of foster care. I was adopted as a child and it was extremely hard. I can’t fathom it for my children. I don’t know what to do. I’m not on drugs, never have been. I’ve been a homeowner for 4 years. I’ve worked in healthcare for 4 years. I own my own car. My kids have everything they need. I just don’t understand what’s going on with this case.

When asked, she confirmed she is in Christain County, Missouri, 25 min south of Springfield. Her attorney is paid by the state and goes along with whatever the Juvenile Officer says. One former Missouri caseworker suggested she “contact the Office of Child Advocate about how your case is being managed, specifically mentioning the change in visitation.” However, she had already done that and her request for a review was denied. The Children’s Division made her wait 39 days before she could see her newborn and 44 days before she could see her other 3 kids, as well as the court moving her back to supervised visits.

The caseworker noted – if they are giving you the option to consent to guardianship that typically means they don’t have a solid case for Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). So even though you are almost at the 15 month mark, they probably won’t formally change the plan quite yet. There aren’t any long-term consequences in not consenting to guardianship, like there are with TPR when it comes to their ability to remove any future children you might have. However, after 6 months of guardianship the placement providers can file for adoption, so keep that in mind. Guardianship is also reversible, meaning you can petition the court to have it dissolved at any point, after it is granted. I would hope that your caseworker would explain all of this to you, but just wanted you to know, in case they don’t.

LINK>Current Missouri Foster Care Statistics

From the LINK>Missouri Independent – More than half the frontline staff working in the Children’s Division at the start of the last fiscal year left by the end of the year. Children’s Division Director Darrell Missey said the system has long trended toward the “reactive” over “proactive,” and is “driven by our fear of what might happen later, [which] results in a lot of kids in foster care.”

Other general (not specifically Missouri related) details – Child welfare professionals remove children from their parents more than 250,000 times per year. Across the country, removal decisions are based on inconsistent standards and practice — often applied disproportionately — and result in trauma for children and families. While separating children from their parents should be an intervention of last resort in child welfare practice, there is little guidance about how to prevent removal, mitigate trauma, and connect families to more appropriate supports when needed.

The current process for deciding when to remove a child is flawed and inconsistent, which causes harm and prevents families from getting the support they actually need. Revisiting the standards for removal is critical. Only public officials with training in both the legal standards for removal and how to mitigate trauma should remove children, and only when all other interventions have been exhausted.

Stupid Reasons

From a foster parent – I recently had a teen placed with me. This teen was removed for stupid reasons, cannot be placed with kin for more stupid reasons, she wants to be with her family, family is safe and caring and there is really no reason she should have been removed (except poverty=neglect and racism). She was placed with me so that she could keep in contact with family and do visits since they’re in the same city as I am. CPS or DCFS or whatever are saying that she cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone in her family, and there is one person in particular she is not to have any contact with at all. But these people are not dangerous and she wants to spend time with them.

My question is, how should I allow or not allow contact with these people ? I have already said that the family members, besides the one prohibited one, can spend the night here and be here whenever I’m here, because that’s allowed. But I’m wondering, do you all think I should allow unrestricted contact with these people, even if CPS says it’s not allowed ? Any difference in advice for the prohibited family member ? If I allow unrestricted contact and we get caught, the consequences for her are much greater than for me. She, at least for now, seems willing to follow the rules and won’t have contact, if I tell her she can’t. But I hate to tell her she can’t, when there’s really no danger, as far as I can tell. I’ve hinted to her that she’s allowed to go out on her own, and she doesn’t have to tell me where she’s going, so that’s what we’re doing for now. One time I drove her to her family member’s house and stayed outside in the car while she went in, so she had privacy with them but I was still kind of there. My thinking is that I don’t want her sneaking around trying to see them, and I don’t want her to feel guilty for wanting to be with her family, and if she hadn’t been removed (which she shouldn’t have been), she’d have full access to them.

Some responses –

From a Guardian Ad Litem – My feedback is a pretty strong no – I LOVE what you’re doing here, and honestly if I were the CASA on your case and knew about this, I’d strongly consider keeping your secret. But these conditions are non-optional in my area (and we have stupid arrangements too, but I’ve never had one quite this bad) and you are going to be at very high risk of losing the placement (and possibly your license) if they find out about this. This child is unlikely find another placement as child-centered as you, and in my area she might end up sleeping in the social worker’s office for days or weeks. I think you tell this young person that you are willing to do everything within the limits of the system to help, but you agreed to respect these constraints. You’re enforcing them because you value the child and their safety/stability of your placement, NOT necessarily because you feel they’re just. That distinction will not be lost on a teen.

From a Kinship Carer – You are playing a dangerous game, if you knowingly allow unsupervised contact. Her next placement will very very likely not be so kind. Whatever the stupid reason that the one person is totally no contact, abide by it. For the others, having them over while you are in another room is wonderful. Sitting outside in the car is likely not enough to constitute “supervision.” I’ve been in your position. It is very frustrating to spend hours and hours discreetly “supervising” (from another room) so as to not interfere and to allow the family normalcy. But weigh your light level of supervise vs what most placements would do and continue to follow the rules as lightly as you can. And hope that the family does their tasks, so she can go home sooner rather than later.

From an Adoptive Parent – If you do not follow DHS visitation plan restrictions that will be seen as failure to protect…she will likely be removed…and your home will likely be closed…sometimes they will accept she “snuck out” but if they decide otherwise – it is likely teen will be labeled a flight risk and it is likely that they will remove her. She will find herself in a shelter unable to see anyone…I had a teen who would run away often. There were a few times they made her go to a shelter or another home and would not allow her back with me…ultimately however, she did age out of my home.

From a Kinship Guardian – I feel like letting a trusted teen go out does falls within reasonable and prudent care (especially if you’re told a destination. Even one that turns out to be inaccurate) , but if it comes up that you probably knew the forbidden family was being visited against case rules, you run the risk of losing your license. It’s up to you to decide if that risk is worth it. Your heart is absolutely in the right place.

From an Adoptee – Even the child knows she should follow the rules. You need to follow the rules. Be a good example. We may not always like the rules but we will hate the consequences of not following them a whole lot more.

From a Foster Parent – Being a foster parent sucks. So many rules and hardly ever in the best interest of the kids. She mentions LINK>Life360. which I had never heard of. Life360 offers advanced driving, digital, and location safety features and location sharing for the entire family.

Another one recommends – I would not stretch the confines of the foster care plan. Stick to the rules. If she wants to go home – her best chance of getting there is by sticking to the rules.

Another Foster Parent writes – Do not violate court order. She will be removed and you will lose your license. Continue to advocate with her caseworker and GAL. Know that she will probably try to go around the restrictions. As long as you are not actively encouraging or enabling it, then it is OK. We have had that happen before. We had teenagers use their phones to be in contact with people they are not supposed to be in contact with. They typically understand that this is what teenagers will do, but if they find out that you are facilitating and encouraging it, it’s all over. And the next foster home may not be as understanding as you are. What we have done is supervised visits where we could see, but not hear them. Depending on the level of supervision required. Then we are able to advocate strongly that visits can move to unsupervised because of how well they are going. We’ve been able to get visits, moved to unsupervised within a visit or two.

An Adoptive Parents asks a question that was on my own mind – how old the teen is in this situation ? Are you trying to run out the clock for a 17 year old or is she 13, with many critical years ahead ? Also is there a reunification plan in place ? Because never mind your own license, you are aiding and abetting something that undermines the actual reunification of the child with her family. You could be ruining the family’s chances to reunite ! Your heart is in the right place but you have to play by their rules and learn to play the game to speed up reunification. And that’s what I would be telling your foster child too. Learn to play the game, voice the frustration with the system, find ways to take back control where you/she can within the confines of the limitations they’ve imposed, find ways to help the family reunite and focus your frustrations and energy there, rather than trying to sneak around it.

From a Foster Parent – Contact the teen’s GAL and encourage them to advocate for family placement/more contact/etc. While it took a while, I’ve seen this work in the long run. That and continue to encourage visitations with family and then report back to everyone (CPS, foster care, GAL, etc) how well things are going and your thoughts on reunification. You can help the teen to advocate for themselves as well. Depending on their age, they could maybe write a letter to the judge or even speak for themselves in court.

Another Adoptee writes – Honestly this is where you ask her, if she would like to help fight the broken system with you by her side. This type of case (poverty, racism) should be investigated further and should be fought head on, to make changes, instead of sneaking around the system.

A Foster Parent writes – In the system, life is a long hard road. You need to model pushing back against injustices, without breaking the law. The foster care to prison pipeline is hard to avoid – the last thing she needs is a shove. Push reunification and push unsupervised visits, but also chill.

Lastly from one more Foster Parent – Great foster parents, in my opinion, bend rules – but don’t break them. They also advocate/ask hard questions and push people like the caseworker and GAL or CASA to be able to defend why the rules are currently what they are. For instance, maybe supervision is required. Zoom has an option to record, so we just sent the link to the caseworker for documentation, though I doubt they ever opened it. It was still far from ideal, but it allowed a bond to continue and allowed us to show consistent appropriate contact which, I believe, allowed boundaries to be moved more quickly. Try to think out of the box with the rules given to you. Can she have contact with the person who is allowed absolutely no contact, if it’s in a therapeutic setting ? Are you willing to provide transportation ? Those types of things. It is still your legal obligation to follow the rules and keep your teen safe. I certainly wouldn’t risk your license to do so, or risk adding the additional trauma of a move, or a possible change of placement further from friends and family, etc.

Getting Free Of Suspicion

It may be true that addiction is a complicated situation but I still find this story today very sad. I have no answers. I just hope it turns out positively for this mom.

I do outreach for drug/alcohol rehabilitation in my down time on days off. Distribute Narcan, help people get into treatment, etc. I have been working lately with someone new. The lovely woman is only a couple years older than me and she has a 9 month old baby. She got clean as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Baby was born with no drugs in the system. Department of Children and Families stipulated she needed to go to detox/rehab before they would even allow her visitation with her baby. Its a catch 22. She never started using again, so she has been clean a little under 18 months. The rehab facilities around here require drugs in your system for admission. So basically the Department of Children and Families wants her to stay clean and piss dirty simultaneously to do what they want. She refused to get high just to get into a program (go momma!) And we knew if she relapsed the Department of Children and Families would just use it against her. We managed to find a program for her that took her insurance, and did not require the dirty urine. She did her intake on the phone with them and she successfully completed the program. She’s home now, and all the Department of Children and Families will let her have with her baby is supervised visitation because they really do not believe she is clean. In my experience with the system, the more proof we have that someone is clean, the better things go. But she has been clean so long, I’m wondering should we have her do a hair strand test? Since she graduated the inpatient program, she was able to get into the state sponsored outpatient rehabilitation program.

Some more info – they seized baby at hospital. The baby was temporarily placed in foster care but was returned to the biological father once paternity was established. She already had a child removed and also placed in foster care temporarily. This other father (related to the older child) is very understanding and flexible, so things on that front are going well. The father of the infant in question here is flat out stonewalling. The mother is an awesome human. Very kind and honest. The quiet and respectful type. She has got a serious resolve when it comes to not giving up.

I agree with this comment – She may need a lawyer, this is crazy, if her and baby was clean at delivery her baby shouldn’t have been removed. I would also suggest she motion the court for unsupervised visitation. The Department of Children and Families are not the boss, they are truly the opposition. She can ask the judge for anything she wants. Lawyers often fall in line with the Department of Children and Families. From experience, I won my case with them by motioning to the judge without their approval. This is awful and so sad, I hope she gets her baby back soon.

Someone asked – Why did they take custody of the baby if neither the woman or her baby tested positive for illicit drugs? Well, this is the complication – she already had a child placed in the child welfare system unfortunately due to the previous addiction. So the Department of Children and Families seized the baby at the hospital. The mother is working on regaining custody in that case too. Different fathers, so these are treated as separate cases. The father for the older child is not stonewalling and is actually being incredibly accommodating.

The biological father got custody of the infant after paternity was established. There may be a bit of conspiracy and tag teaming happening with the biological dad and the Department of Children and Families. His attorney keeps filing motions with reason after reason why she shouldn’t be alone with the baby. Stupid thing is we have both weekly and random urine checks going back a full year. And we paid an independent lab to run the screens. So its has been expensive. We have been turning over the lab results that they give us, all their contact info is there to verify the authenticity. But the biological dad says that is not good enough. Its like what is it that you do want?

If you find all of this confusing, I do too. Life is messy. Still I am rooting for this mother !!

Is It Safe ?

Good intentions are not enough. Heartfelt desires could still be in a place where impairment makes it not yet entirely safe. Today’s story –

This weekend we had a visit with adopted daughter’s parents. Her mom has expressed to me several times that she wants to take her back some day and that she is willing to fight legally with another family that has her siblings to get her oldest daughter back one day too (as in adopt them back).

I have a few issues with this and I know you guys can help me put it into the proper perspective and stop centering myself:

1) her mom is still heavily under the influence to the point of extremely impaired judgement and does not have stable housing/income/jobs.

2) she has been asking for sleep overs (which I am not opposed to if she didn’t have impaired judgement and her daughter wants them)

3) she says this only about the youngest and oldest daughters and fails to express this sentiment for her youngest son and middle daughter

4) her daughter is sometimes extremely hesitant and afraid of her due to her past behaviors under the influence (think screaming/crying/hiding from her).

We maintain visits regularly with daughter’s parents and extended family. She should know her family, her history, her siblings, her heritage.

What factors would you consider before you allowed sleep overs? I would love for her to have this kind of relationship/time with her mother if it can be done safely and she wants it. Daughter is often hesitant to go to visits with her mom. I stress family is important, knowing them is important. I express that I am not a replacement for her mom and that I never expect to be. That her mom is her mom.

I’m not sure how to best navigate this. Daughter is 7. I want this kind of relationship for her but I keep seeing it as a “someday” kind of thing because of concerns about her physical safety and mental wellbeing. Daughter’s therapist thinks visits with her mom should only be at her request (I disagree) because she shows signs of fear towards her. I do often ask daughter if she wants to call her mom and she consistently says no. I ask her if she wants to visit and she often is on the fence, sometimes yes sometimes no.

I would love to get an adoptee perspective on this. I need to hear it. Thank you.

Some responses –

Safety and impairment are deal breakers. They are the fundamental necessities for any child. Agree with what was stated about the child driving this. Perhaps a middle ground would be to continue regular visits but remain present so daughter feels the safety of your presence and yet there is opportunity for them to develop their own relationship. You are her responsible guardian. Staying by her side, and yet allowing them to have an opportunity seems like it accomplishes all goals. You can provide safe get togethers that are fun activities. A park, a children’s museum, zoo, picnic, etc…

This may not be the popular answer, but here’s my take: If it were me, I’d take daughter’s lead on this. Let her have control over her visits. That said, if there is any safety concern whatsoever, I would absolutely not allow unsupervised visits. Child’s safety must be the number one priority.

In my opinion, one of the worst things a parent can do is force a kid to do something they’re uncomfortable with, especially if they have trauma in that area. It makes me very uncomfortable that she has to go see her mom because you feel that’s important. If my parents had forced me to see my biological parents, it would have undermined my trust in them and pushed me away. Just another adoptee perspective.

On a cautionary note – Adoptee loyalty is a huge issue. They can sense how you really feel. Unless you are able to develop a genuinely loving and caring perspective towards her mom and show that; your daughter won’t have the comfort level she needs to re develop that relationship.

As an adoptee, I agree with the therapist. Do the visits at her request. So often I tiptoed around my adoptive mom’s feelings and would lie and say I wasn’t comfortable with searching for my mom, I didn’t want to meet her, I didn’t want this or that, when in fact I really did. I was too worried about hurting my adoptive mom’s feelings to consider my own. I wouldn’t ask your daughter if she wants call, visit, etc. let her come to you when she wants to. Asking puts pressure on her.