Stupid Reasons

From a foster parent – I recently had a teen placed with me. This teen was removed for stupid reasons, cannot be placed with kin for more stupid reasons, she wants to be with her family, family is safe and caring and there is really no reason she should have been removed (except poverty=neglect and racism). She was placed with me so that she could keep in contact with family and do visits since they’re in the same city as I am. CPS or DCFS or whatever are saying that she cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone in her family, and there is one person in particular she is not to have any contact with at all. But these people are not dangerous and she wants to spend time with them.

My question is, how should I allow or not allow contact with these people ? I have already said that the family members, besides the one prohibited one, can spend the night here and be here whenever I’m here, because that’s allowed. But I’m wondering, do you all think I should allow unrestricted contact with these people, even if CPS says it’s not allowed ? Any difference in advice for the prohibited family member ? If I allow unrestricted contact and we get caught, the consequences for her are much greater than for me. She, at least for now, seems willing to follow the rules and won’t have contact, if I tell her she can’t. But I hate to tell her she can’t, when there’s really no danger, as far as I can tell. I’ve hinted to her that she’s allowed to go out on her own, and she doesn’t have to tell me where she’s going, so that’s what we’re doing for now. One time I drove her to her family member’s house and stayed outside in the car while she went in, so she had privacy with them but I was still kind of there. My thinking is that I don’t want her sneaking around trying to see them, and I don’t want her to feel guilty for wanting to be with her family, and if she hadn’t been removed (which she shouldn’t have been), she’d have full access to them.

Some responses –

From a Guardian Ad Litem – My feedback is a pretty strong no – I LOVE what you’re doing here, and honestly if I were the CASA on your case and knew about this, I’d strongly consider keeping your secret. But these conditions are non-optional in my area (and we have stupid arrangements too, but I’ve never had one quite this bad) and you are going to be at very high risk of losing the placement (and possibly your license) if they find out about this. This child is unlikely find another placement as child-centered as you, and in my area she might end up sleeping in the social worker’s office for days or weeks. I think you tell this young person that you are willing to do everything within the limits of the system to help, but you agreed to respect these constraints. You’re enforcing them because you value the child and their safety/stability of your placement, NOT necessarily because you feel they’re just. That distinction will not be lost on a teen.

From a Kinship Carer – You are playing a dangerous game, if you knowingly allow unsupervised contact. Her next placement will very very likely not be so kind. Whatever the stupid reason that the one person is totally no contact, abide by it. For the others, having them over while you are in another room is wonderful. Sitting outside in the car is likely not enough to constitute “supervision.” I’ve been in your position. It is very frustrating to spend hours and hours discreetly “supervising” (from another room) so as to not interfere and to allow the family normalcy. But weigh your light level of supervise vs what most placements would do and continue to follow the rules as lightly as you can. And hope that the family does their tasks, so she can go home sooner rather than later.

From an Adoptive Parent – If you do not follow DHS visitation plan restrictions that will be seen as failure to protect…she will likely be removed…and your home will likely be closed…sometimes they will accept she “snuck out” but if they decide otherwise – it is likely teen will be labeled a flight risk and it is likely that they will remove her. She will find herself in a shelter unable to see anyone…I had a teen who would run away often. There were a few times they made her go to a shelter or another home and would not allow her back with me…ultimately however, she did age out of my home.

From a Kinship Guardian – I feel like letting a trusted teen go out does falls within reasonable and prudent care (especially if you’re told a destination. Even one that turns out to be inaccurate) , but if it comes up that you probably knew the forbidden family was being visited against case rules, you run the risk of losing your license. It’s up to you to decide if that risk is worth it. Your heart is absolutely in the right place.

From an Adoptee – Even the child knows she should follow the rules. You need to follow the rules. Be a good example. We may not always like the rules but we will hate the consequences of not following them a whole lot more.

From a Foster Parent – Being a foster parent sucks. So many rules and hardly ever in the best interest of the kids. She mentions LINK>Life360. which I had never heard of. Life360 offers advanced driving, digital, and location safety features and location sharing for the entire family.

Another one recommends – I would not stretch the confines of the foster care plan. Stick to the rules. If she wants to go home – her best chance of getting there is by sticking to the rules.

Another Foster Parent writes – Do not violate court order. She will be removed and you will lose your license. Continue to advocate with her caseworker and GAL. Know that she will probably try to go around the restrictions. As long as you are not actively encouraging or enabling it, then it is OK. We have had that happen before. We had teenagers use their phones to be in contact with people they are not supposed to be in contact with. They typically understand that this is what teenagers will do, but if they find out that you are facilitating and encouraging it, it’s all over. And the next foster home may not be as understanding as you are. What we have done is supervised visits where we could see, but not hear them. Depending on the level of supervision required. Then we are able to advocate strongly that visits can move to unsupervised because of how well they are going. We’ve been able to get visits, moved to unsupervised within a visit or two.

An Adoptive Parents asks a question that was on my own mind – how old the teen is in this situation ? Are you trying to run out the clock for a 17 year old or is she 13, with many critical years ahead ? Also is there a reunification plan in place ? Because never mind your own license, you are aiding and abetting something that undermines the actual reunification of the child with her family. You could be ruining the family’s chances to reunite ! Your heart is in the right place but you have to play by their rules and learn to play the game to speed up reunification. And that’s what I would be telling your foster child too. Learn to play the game, voice the frustration with the system, find ways to take back control where you/she can within the confines of the limitations they’ve imposed, find ways to help the family reunite and focus your frustrations and energy there, rather than trying to sneak around it.

From a Foster Parent – Contact the teen’s GAL and encourage them to advocate for family placement/more contact/etc. While it took a while, I’ve seen this work in the long run. That and continue to encourage visitations with family and then report back to everyone (CPS, foster care, GAL, etc) how well things are going and your thoughts on reunification. You can help the teen to advocate for themselves as well. Depending on their age, they could maybe write a letter to the judge or even speak for themselves in court.

Another Adoptee writes – Honestly this is where you ask her, if she would like to help fight the broken system with you by her side. This type of case (poverty, racism) should be investigated further and should be fought head on, to make changes, instead of sneaking around the system.

A Foster Parent writes – In the system, life is a long hard road. You need to model pushing back against injustices, without breaking the law. The foster care to prison pipeline is hard to avoid – the last thing she needs is a shove. Push reunification and push unsupervised visits, but also chill.

Lastly from one more Foster Parent – Great foster parents, in my opinion, bend rules – but don’t break them. They also advocate/ask hard questions and push people like the caseworker and GAL or CASA to be able to defend why the rules are currently what they are. For instance, maybe supervision is required. Zoom has an option to record, so we just sent the link to the caseworker for documentation, though I doubt they ever opened it. It was still far from ideal, but it allowed a bond to continue and allowed us to show consistent appropriate contact which, I believe, allowed boundaries to be moved more quickly. Try to think out of the box with the rules given to you. Can she have contact with the person who is allowed absolutely no contact, if it’s in a therapeutic setting ? Are you willing to provide transportation ? Those types of things. It is still your legal obligation to follow the rules and keep your teen safe. I certainly wouldn’t risk your license to do so, or risk adding the additional trauma of a move, or a possible change of placement further from friends and family, etc.

Getting Free Of Suspicion

It may be true that addiction is a complicated situation but I still find this story today very sad. I have no answers. I just hope it turns out positively for this mom.

I do outreach for drug/alcohol rehabilitation in my down time on days off. Distribute Narcan, help people get into treatment, etc. I have been working lately with someone new. The lovely woman is only a couple years older than me and she has a 9 month old baby. She got clean as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Baby was born with no drugs in the system. Department of Children and Families stipulated she needed to go to detox/rehab before they would even allow her visitation with her baby. Its a catch 22. She never started using again, so she has been clean a little under 18 months. The rehab facilities around here require drugs in your system for admission. So basically the Department of Children and Families wants her to stay clean and piss dirty simultaneously to do what they want. She refused to get high just to get into a program (go momma!) And we knew if she relapsed the Department of Children and Families would just use it against her. We managed to find a program for her that took her insurance, and did not require the dirty urine. She did her intake on the phone with them and she successfully completed the program. She’s home now, and all the Department of Children and Families will let her have with her baby is supervised visitation because they really do not believe she is clean. In my experience with the system, the more proof we have that someone is clean, the better things go. But she has been clean so long, I’m wondering should we have her do a hair strand test? Since she graduated the inpatient program, she was able to get into the state sponsored outpatient rehabilitation program.

Some more info – they seized baby at hospital. The baby was temporarily placed in foster care but was returned to the biological father once paternity was established. She already had a child removed and also placed in foster care temporarily. This other father (related to the older child) is very understanding and flexible, so things on that front are going well. The father of the infant in question here is flat out stonewalling. The mother is an awesome human. Very kind and honest. The quiet and respectful type. She has got a serious resolve when it comes to not giving up.

I agree with this comment – She may need a lawyer, this is crazy, if her and baby was clean at delivery her baby shouldn’t have been removed. I would also suggest she motion the court for unsupervised visitation. The Department of Children and Families are not the boss, they are truly the opposition. She can ask the judge for anything she wants. Lawyers often fall in line with the Department of Children and Families. From experience, I won my case with them by motioning to the judge without their approval. This is awful and so sad, I hope she gets her baby back soon.

Someone asked – Why did they take custody of the baby if neither the woman or her baby tested positive for illicit drugs? Well, this is the complication – she already had a child placed in the child welfare system unfortunately due to the previous addiction. So the Department of Children and Families seized the baby at the hospital. The mother is working on regaining custody in that case too. Different fathers, so these are treated as separate cases. The father for the older child is not stonewalling and is actually being incredibly accommodating.

The biological father got custody of the infant after paternity was established. There may be a bit of conspiracy and tag teaming happening with the biological dad and the Department of Children and Families. His attorney keeps filing motions with reason after reason why she shouldn’t be alone with the baby. Stupid thing is we have both weekly and random urine checks going back a full year. And we paid an independent lab to run the screens. So its has been expensive. We have been turning over the lab results that they give us, all their contact info is there to verify the authenticity. But the biological dad says that is not good enough. Its like what is it that you do want?

If you find all of this confusing, I do too. Life is messy. Still I am rooting for this mother !!

Is It Safe ?

Good intentions are not enough. Heartfelt desires could still be in a place where impairment makes it not yet entirely safe. Today’s story –

This weekend we had a visit with adopted daughter’s parents. Her mom has expressed to me several times that she wants to take her back some day and that she is willing to fight legally with another family that has her siblings to get her oldest daughter back one day too (as in adopt them back).

I have a few issues with this and I know you guys can help me put it into the proper perspective and stop centering myself:

1) her mom is still heavily under the influence to the point of extremely impaired judgement and does not have stable housing/income/jobs.

2) she has been asking for sleep overs (which I am not opposed to if she didn’t have impaired judgement and her daughter wants them)

3) she says this only about the youngest and oldest daughters and fails to express this sentiment for her youngest son and middle daughter

4) her daughter is sometimes extremely hesitant and afraid of her due to her past behaviors under the influence (think screaming/crying/hiding from her).

We maintain visits regularly with daughter’s parents and extended family. She should know her family, her history, her siblings, her heritage.

What factors would you consider before you allowed sleep overs? I would love for her to have this kind of relationship/time with her mother if it can be done safely and she wants it. Daughter is often hesitant to go to visits with her mom. I stress family is important, knowing them is important. I express that I am not a replacement for her mom and that I never expect to be. That her mom is her mom.

I’m not sure how to best navigate this. Daughter is 7. I want this kind of relationship for her but I keep seeing it as a “someday” kind of thing because of concerns about her physical safety and mental wellbeing. Daughter’s therapist thinks visits with her mom should only be at her request (I disagree) because she shows signs of fear towards her. I do often ask daughter if she wants to call her mom and she consistently says no. I ask her if she wants to visit and she often is on the fence, sometimes yes sometimes no.

I would love to get an adoptee perspective on this. I need to hear it. Thank you.

Some responses –

Safety and impairment are deal breakers. They are the fundamental necessities for any child. Agree with what was stated about the child driving this. Perhaps a middle ground would be to continue regular visits but remain present so daughter feels the safety of your presence and yet there is opportunity for them to develop their own relationship. You are her responsible guardian. Staying by her side, and yet allowing them to have an opportunity seems like it accomplishes all goals. You can provide safe get togethers that are fun activities. A park, a children’s museum, zoo, picnic, etc…

This may not be the popular answer, but here’s my take: If it were me, I’d take daughter’s lead on this. Let her have control over her visits. That said, if there is any safety concern whatsoever, I would absolutely not allow unsupervised visits. Child’s safety must be the number one priority.

In my opinion, one of the worst things a parent can do is force a kid to do something they’re uncomfortable with, especially if they have trauma in that area. It makes me very uncomfortable that she has to go see her mom because you feel that’s important. If my parents had forced me to see my biological parents, it would have undermined my trust in them and pushed me away. Just another adoptee perspective.

On a cautionary note – Adoptee loyalty is a huge issue. They can sense how you really feel. Unless you are able to develop a genuinely loving and caring perspective towards her mom and show that; your daughter won’t have the comfort level she needs to re develop that relationship.

As an adoptee, I agree with the therapist. Do the visits at her request. So often I tiptoed around my adoptive mom’s feelings and would lie and say I wasn’t comfortable with searching for my mom, I didn’t want to meet her, I didn’t want this or that, when in fact I really did. I was too worried about hurting my adoptive mom’s feelings to consider my own. I wouldn’t ask your daughter if she wants call, visit, etc. let her come to you when she wants to. Asking puts pressure on her.