Conflicted Feelings

Mother and Child by Pablo Picasso

A young woman writes –

I had my first child at 16 and I stopped a lot of good things in my life.  Now, two babies at 18.  I have been with his father now for only a year.  I know that in no way is he ready for a baby.  This has worried me so much.

This pregnancy has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have not felt any attachment to the baby. I gave birth to my baby yesterday at 2:32 am.  He is beautiful but still no connection. Maybe this is because I knew he was leaving me.  It’s like my emotions were preparing for that.

For the last 9 months, I have grieved my old body. I grieved being happy all the time.  I enjoyed being able to have a few days to myself each week because my daughter’s father and I split custody.  For a few days each week, I could just be an average 18 yr old.

Today something changed in me and I wanted my babies. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted someone crying for me because they needed me. My daughter having a melt down about a bug touching her or my baby boy just wanting to be rocked back to sleep.

Right now I am sitting in my room with my boyfriend, without my baby. A few rooms down the adoptive parents have him. You may think, “how nasty they are” but I can tell you, these people are so genuine, they have to be the most kindhearted understanding people I have ever met.  Tomorrow I will hurt them because my heart and mind have changed. Tomorrow they won’t be going home with my son because I will.

I have no idea what will come next.  No idea where I’ll be living (not that I will be homeless, I will stay with my boyfriend but I will be leaving, if he does not want to parent).  I have no idea how everyone’s going to react when they learn I have changed my mind.  I have no idea how I’m going to react. I’m just doing it. With only having my toddler a few days each week, I have days where I feel so crushed with anxiety.

I can’t do it.  I can’t give my son up for adoption. PLEASE pray for me because I’m just so scared right now but I’m just going to do it.  Parent my child.