Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.

Crazy and Too Old ?

A personal story in The Huffington Post got my attention this morning – LINK>I Never Wanted Children. Then I Got Pregnant With Twins At 53 by Anne Bockman Hansen. The link mentions “advanced maternal age”. I’m totally familiar with that !! I conceived my oldest son at 47 and my youngest son at 50. When we told my dad we were going to try and conceive the older one, he said “I question your sanity.” And I do understand but really we have been fine being older parents. Occasionally, it has been suggested I am my sons “grandmother”. I also have a grown daughter and 2 grandchildren, so I can easily and honestly say, “I understand why you would think that because I AM a grandmother.”

We knew we didn’t want multiples and so, because we had to use assisted reproduction, it was always a possibility. We relied on the experts’ advice on how many embryos to transfer with a good potential for success, without trending into a greater likelihood for twins, and it gave us the single births we preferred. Many of the mothers who cycled along with me at the same time did have twins and even one had triplets – they were all happy with their results and somehow managed the challenges. Glad it was NOT my own challenge. Having a baby and then toddler in one’s life is challenging enough for me !!

Anne Hansen shares – “Still, the thought of having children did not interest me until I was 52 and had taken time away from my job to re-evaluate what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. When I finally knew that I wanted to do it, the realization hit me with incredible force. I felt certain that I wanted to raise kids — and raise them the way I wished I had been raised. I wanted to bring them up with unconditional love, compassion, a love for learning, a sense of adventure and amazement at the miraculous small things in life.” blogger’s note – Sounds like what happened with my husband after we had been married 10 years.

And even before I had learned all of the issues I share in this blog, I also knew that, as the author says – “. . . I wanted to carry them. I never considered surrogacy or adoption.” and that “I was not ovulating,” plus she shares yet another complication – her 58-year-old husband had a vasectomy in his 30s. blogger’s note – in our case, my husband was able to provide his own sperm and I love seeing how some of his traits have turned up in our sons and that he can be a genetic mirror for them.

Yet, when they saw a reproductive endocrinologist, he told them that sperm could still be retrieved from her husband. Like what happened to me when my husband decided he wanted to have children after all (he had been grateful, I had already done that in my own life, no pressure on him), she was told that she could still get pregnant using an egg donor. For me as well, that was a major breakthrough.

And she mentions the “age related” comments, which I have heard as well. She says – “A member of my church said, ‘A lot of people will think you are selfish for bringing children into this world at your age’.” My perspective is – no one knows how long their parents will continue to be alive while they are maturing – I know many examples where parents died young. Though I remember clearly one day, while checking out groceries, realizing that when my youngest turned 20, I would be 70 – oh my. That day arrived this year.

The same as what the author shares, “My pregnancy was a breeze. I felt the best I had ever felt.” I loved being pregnant. And yes from me too – “the babies were precious and I felt so blessed to have them. The love I had for them was beyond measure.” Ours also changed our lives in so many beautiful ways. Our lives became immensely richer. We have never regretted our decision to become parents, even at our “advanced” ages.

Of course, she had the same experiences that I have had. She shares, “Invariably, everywhere we went, people would think I was their grandmother. Sometimes I corrected them and they were embarrassed and surprised, but many times I just let it go. It didn’t bother me and, incredibly, it didn’t bother the kids. It still doesn’t.”

She follows up at the end with this thought – “I’m now 67 years old with a 73-year-old husband. Despite the difficult and amazing journey we’ve been on — and despite my worries that we could be gone before the twins reach adulthood — I would not have done anything differently. Parents at any age can and do get sick and leave their kids parentless, but not many parents have the free time to devote to their children as we have had and do.”

Being Pushed

In today’s story – I just found out I’m expecting and everyone is pushing for adoption. I’m not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared for another baby. I don’t want to adopt my baby out. I’m trying to reply as much as I can. I picked up a third job to keep me distracted. I don’t know what I need. I just know I don’t want to give up my baby.

However, looking for an image to illustrate this, I came across this story in The Cut I could not stop reading. The title is LINK>The Mom Who Told Her Cousin She Could Adopt Her Next Baby under the How I Got This Baby subtitle. about a woman who was carrying a baby to give to a cousin who was infertile after trying for 14 years. She ended up changing her mind and the cousin has treated her despicably afterwards.

She notes – “The experience made me stop wanting to help people. It made me feel like many people are in the situations they’re in for a reason, and I no longer step in to help. I don’t trust people anymore, because you could literally give someone the world and it still won’t be enough at the end of the day. They’ll always want more.”

So back to my first story, someone wrote – “I met a gal in this same situation. I shared that both adoption and abortion are permanent decisions to often temporary problems. I offered for her to place her child with me for a time to see if she really desires not to parent her baby. If she decides she can, we’ll assist her and support her and if it’s too much for her, we are able to assist her as needed with that too. There’s no need to rush to make a decision. You have time. I bet if you reached out to people in your circle explaining the situation, they could offer you the same type of support.” She noted – “Decisions made in haste are often regretful.” She suggested LINK>Embrace Grace for unplanned pregnancy support.

Another person shared – I also only knew I didn’t want to give up my baby 17 years ago. I didn’t give him up. I have a lot of regrets in my life, but that is definitely not one of them. I stood my ground and refused to give him up or ever give up on him, and I will NEVER regret those choices. You are stronger than you know, and I can already say that with absolute certainty, because when I was at that stage of pregnancy, all I knew was that I didn’t want to give up my baby. Truly, if you need to talk, I’ve been there, and I’m here for you.

A comment was made – Then make a plan on what you need to do to keep this baby. To which someone else added – or end the pregnancy. That can be intense but many adoptees agree with such logic – there is no child when a pregnancy is ended, for me I would rather have been aborted than be forced to stay with the abusive adoptive parents. Another adoptee agreed – It’s a much better fate. Another noted – there is no child yet. She is pregnant but there is no guarantee that the embryo or fetus will turn into a child. Also, yes it’s better to get a medical procedure (abort), than to be stolen from their actual parents after birth.

This discussion did lead to some “preaching”. It was called out which I will leave you with today -from a retired ob/gyn nurse – please save the preaching for your church of choice… The many varied options/ opinions come from the privileged voices -those who are Adoptee’s and Mother’s of loss…. The pregnant woman was wise to post anonymously…as potential hopeful adoptive parents prey on those in crisis pregnancies (in spite of it being against our group rules)…Expectant mom’s….Report anyone contacting you about adoption! Those ‘promising you unlimited yet not enforceable post adoption… “contact”. Knowing the area where you live helps in recommending resources.

Adoption is NOT a quick fix. It is a multigenerational and life-long family trauma….as a ‘fix’ for short term financial and economic difficulties of support, housing, transportation, childcare… Babies don’t need a multi-thousand dollar designer nursery and a closet full of clothing they will outgrow in a blink of an eye! A pack-n-play, car seat and frame….diapers & clothing. Much of that can be found in ‘buy nothing groups’ or passed down, like several here have offered. Community diaper banks, WIC/Medicaid/Tanf (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families), daycare assistance, housing assistance etc….

Ending an early pregnancy is still an option…. you owe NO ONE YOUR BABY! Sign nothing! Do not agree to being ‘temporarily housed’ by adoption agencies! There IS helpful help vs self serving help available. Report to an admin anyone, ANYONE, contacting you about adoption! Our group has helped many to parent!

This woman was also a former Baby Scoop Era pregnant teen who was pushed to place by parents/priests…..BUT SHE PARENTED… she says, “my adult son is an electrical engineer and Navy Vet (in spite of early years of HUD Housing/Food Stamps/WIC/Medicaid…)”

Not A Fun Experience

Okay, just a moment of humor before diving in –

(From someone else, not your blogger) – Recently a young woman who confides in me and looks up to me came to me and told me she thinks pregnancy is disgusting and wants to only pursue surrogacy and adoption when she gets married. Mind you she’s young and nowhere close to getting married. She thinks being pregnant and giving birth is repulsive — zero trauma, just grossed out.

Our religion has similar views of adoption and surrogacy, basically it’s a no go from that angle. I also gently let her know that as a mother myself, I think if you are absolutely disgusted by pregnancy, you will not survive being a parent. My pregnancy was no picnic but it did not compare still to one day of being a mom. I said it was unfair to offload her disgust and apprehensions into someone else and just buy the baby in the end.

She lashed out and said I’m saying that women who can’t or don’t want to get pregnant don’t deserve to be mothers. I said there’s a huge difference between can’t get pregnant and absolutely don’t want to. And that regardless, adoption and surrogacy are unethical “solutions” to not wanting to or not being able to birth a baby.

She is still blowing up my phone angry as hell. Am I wrong for these statements?

(Offensive adoptee perspective incoming) – I’ll say it: it’s not that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant, don’t *deserve* to be mothers, it’s that women who can’t or refuse to get pregnant *aren’t* mothers. No matter how they acquire it, these young role players can be wonderful guardians! And caretakers! And make huge positive impacts on a child’s life! But they’ll never be that child’s mother. Sorry not sorry.

A Safe Place To Grow

Kristi, Ekko and Heidi

This is the second story that I’ve become aware of where a grandmother gestated her own grandchild for her daughter. In general, I am against surrogacy because I believe that mother child separations cause harm to the young infant. However, in the case of a grandmother who intends to remain involved in her grandchild’s life, doing this for her daughter who has dealt with the challenges of infertility and miscarriage – it is an entirely different situation that makes such a surrogacy acceptable.

My grandson was born before my oldest son. My sense of genetic biological connection to him was unmistakable. No, I wasn’t a surrogate for his gestation. However, a mother and daughter are so much alike in many cases that such a situation is not damaging to the child who is gestated in that manner. At least, this is my own perspective on it. My own sons are conceived – both – with the help of the same egg donor and as my OB impressed upon me during their gestation, it does make a difference that they grew in my womb. They also both nursed at my breast for about one year. And I’ve been present as the only “mom” they have known 24/7 for their entire lives (one is almost 20 and the other one is 23). Their love towards me and appreciation for me seems authentic so far and it is my hope that will always be the case with them and their affections.

The Guardian’s story LINK>”I gave birth to my granddaughter” published on June 21 2024 and written by the gestational grandmother, Kristi Schmidt, is the newest such story to come to my own attention. I was already 50 years old when I gave birth to my youngest son. Kristi was 52 when she agreed to gestate her daughter Heidi’s baby. The daughter had been pregnant with twins after 4 years of attempts to conceive through fertility treatments. However, at 10 weeks Heidi lost one of the babies, and at 24 weeks she lost the other twin. Watching Heidi’s grief was awful for Kristi.

“Please let me speak to your doctor about being your surrogate,” Kristi said to Heidi. “What safer place for your baby than their grandmother’s womb?” When asked as the pregnancy became more obvious – she’d say – “I had nothing to do with conceiving this child, I’m just a safe place for it to grow.” Having her granddaughter in her arms was amazing – but she felt like a proud grandmother, not a mom. Two years later, when her granddaughter calls her Gigi and runs into her arms, it’s always the same happy experience.

If this happy story appeals to you, you can read it entirely at The Guardian link above.

The Now Way

LINK>Adoption Birth Vlog example
MaryJane Lance – once again in pursuit of a child

Blogger’s note – This post is from an adoptee and is about children who are adopted and exploited on social media. The adoptee’s post is below –

Documenting the adoption journey has been an integral part of the overall adoption story. At one time the creation of lifebooks was meant to be a way of helping the child understand what it meant to be adopted. It served an important purpose to ensure that the child’s sense of self was rooted in their adoption..

Once social media became the established way of capturing our lives, lifebooks became obsolete in favor of blogs and vlogs. We now live in the age in which people make a living as content creators, much to the thanks of YouTube. From traditional profile books and listings with adoption agencies, to creating their own websites, featured news coverage and social media hashtags, prospective adoptive parents sought out every possible way to let the world know their story in the hopes of being matched with a child for adoption.

Posting one’s life on social media is native in today’s culture. And because it has well-established ways to monetize online content, these prospective adoptive parents have learned the business. So what is the big deal? It’s normal to post content about your family, right? Many family-run Youtube channels get views in the hundreds of thousands and millions. Everyone loves feel-good reality content.

Right now, the media is shedding light on the failings of the adoption industry. The Netherlands, home to the Hague Adoption Convention, has officially closed its international adoption program (again). South Korea is undergoing a comprehensive investigation revealing hundreds of adoptions involving the falsification of records. Holt International is linked to many of these cases. Dillon International has shut down. The Russian president was accused of committing war crimes by kidnapping Ukrainian children and adopting them into Russian families.

The Asunta Case was in the top 10 Netflix series based on the true story of Asunta Fong Yang. In the U.S. the media is putting a spotlight on the Stauffer Family scandal (2020) involving the rehoming of the boy they had adopted from China. The Stauffers became a YouTube sensation story having monetized their adoption journey. So, what is the scandal exactly?

Tik Root wrote an eye-opening Time magazine article, “The Baby Brokers: Inside America’s Murky Private-Adoption Industry” published in 2021. Prior to that was the Reuters report, “The Child Exchange” exposing the Yahoo child rehoming groups published in 2015. Last year, the media descended on the issues and ethics of child influencers. The Stauffers are one of countless adoptive families who have taken to social media monetizing their adoption journeys effectively exploiting Huxley for profit.

Exploiting children is nothing new, neither is adoption. So, where does the Stauffer Family fit into this picture? Why is this a big deal?

Here’s the adoptee’s perspective:
The adoption industry has reached critical mass and has been developing new ways to sustain it’s multi-billion dollar operation. No longer a taboo subject conducted through back doors held in secrecy only priests could hear, adoption has saturated virtually every level of society. In the confusion and chaos of a divided media, social opinion, subplots found in the DC and Marvel universes, K-Dramas, and TV shows, sports, gold-winning olympiads, tech leaders, musicians saying they will adopt a child, and celebrated family reunions on Good Morning America, the adoption industry is free to carefully and gradually change its course with little attention or resistance.

Issues from the current adoption system become course correction for the industry’s next leap forward into the already multi-billion dollar surrogacy market. With all of this attention on the adoption side of the industry, the surrogacy market grows virtually unnoticed. Children like Asunta Basterra and Huxley Stauffer (formerly known as), are victims of a known corrupt, exploitative industry. They are commodified and dehumanized in the name of adoption. They are bought and sold in a child trafficking scheme to later be disposed of or “rehomed” once their use has run out.

Despite the ongoing efforts of investigative journalists to expose these truths, the adoption industry has proven its power of propaganda ensuring people remain ignorant, confused and brainwashed at the expense of children’s lives. We must continue making every effort to send a clear and unified message to stop this crime. Stop commodifying and exploiting women and their children for profit. There are now 9 million adopted people in the U.S today. Our numbers are going to grow exponentially in the coming years. We have taken a stand against violating our rights. We have taken a stand against being stolen, kidnapped, and trafficked. And now we are taking a stand against being made into disposable people.

Is It ?

Adoption is often compared to human trafficking by adoptees and birth mothers. It is easy to see the connection – money is exchanged and a baby is tendered.

“Adoptions resulting from crimes such as abduction and sale of and trafficking in children, fraud in the declaration of adoptability, falsification of official documents or coercion, and any illicit activity or practice such as lack of proper consent by biological parents, improper financial gain by intermediaries and related corruption, constitute illegal adoptions and must be prohibited, criminalized and sanctioned as such.” ~ UN Human Rights Office of the High Commissioner

One thoughtful response was this – We can no longer afford to ignore those who have been taken, stolen, and trafficked through adoption / for adoption. There are far too many who are victims of war crimes, colonization, and cultural genocide to dismiss the fact that adoption is a criminal industry.

Human trafficking is not just sex trafficking. Multiple sources have indicated the fastest growing criminal industry in the world is the buying and selling of people. It is a $150 billion dollar industry. Surrogacy is a $14 billion dollar market already. It is projected to increase to $129 billion within the next ten years.

This is the future of adoption. While we argue amongst ourselves, the industry continues to grow and expand into new markets. We think we are winning this war as adoption programs are being investigated and closing. However, the industry is simply refining it’s operations and shifting markets.

Understand that adoption was created as a cover for human slavery and human trafficking over 400 years ago. Read Adoption: What You Should Know by Dr. Janine Myung Ja (Vance) for this important history of the adoption industry. (Essay LINK>Dear Adoption, Don’t Use Me from Janine’s twin sister, Jenette Yamamoto)

What we’re up against in the U.S. is that the government has taken a narrow definition of human trafficking as sexual exploitation and forced labor. Monetization of social media content based on the child’s adoption, and turning them into “child influencers” is not considered human trafficking for forced labor in the U.S. simply because they were “adopted” and not trafficked.

3 Branch Tree

Symbolically, I like this tree showing 2 strong and closely linked branches with a 3rd one sort of off to one side. Donor Conceived Persons have a 3 Branch Family Tree. When a child is conceived via donor egg or in surrogacy, there is by reality some contributions made by the gestating mother, though difficult to pin down with any accuracy. I would not expect similar physical contributions when there is another father raising that child in the case of sperm donors. So, just my opinion on that situation.

I know that discovering my roots was an experience that has helped me understand how my ancestors, and myself as well, fit into American and world history. Some date their arrival in the United States to pre-Revolutionary War time. Others were immigrants not even naturalized yet. Feeling my Danish, Scottish, Irish and English roots, as well as wondering where that smidgeon of Ashkenazi Jew or Mali came from, these just add spice to my genetic mix.

So while pondering on such facts today, I tumbled on this man, LINK>John Vanek, who found out at the age of 28 that he had been conceived with the help of an anonymous sperm donor and what little documentation ever existed had been destroyed. He had been interested in genealogy and DNA since the 6th grade in public school.

Using all of his genealogical and historical skills to work, he reconstructed the blank half of his family tree from the trees of distant 3rd- and 4th-cousins and, by this method, managed to identify the anonymous donor. He has since met his biological father for the first time, that was in early 2016, and has subsequently developed a relaxed friendship with that man.

Because there are lots of people out there looking for unknown or anonymous parents, grandparents, or siblings, but very few with the skills and experience he possesses, he started LINK>GeneaLOGIC Family Research Services with the primary goal of helping such individuals. John regularly helps adoptees identify their genetic or biological parents and the children of sperm or egg donors identify their genetic parents (or other close relatives).

John describes 2 of the situations where he has assisted a client – One client was conceived in an adulterous relationship, in which the father never knew the affair had led to a child. (Blogger’s note – my dad was conceived in such a situation, when his young mother had an affair with a much older, married man – she handled the pregnancy without ever telling him.) Another was looking for information about her father, who had been abandoned at an orphanage as a newborn.

He reassures those seeking with this – “Whatever your circumstances, there is still hope.” (Blogger’s note – I agree from my own unusual experience of being the child of 2 adoptees that died knowing nothing about their origins. Within a year of their deaths, I knew what they never did, who all 4 of my original grandparents were.)

John notes his ethical core. He realizes that there are always possible risks and rewards of searching for one’s unknown past, through DNA testing or otherwise. You never know who or what you will find. Therefore, when appropriate, he is happy to refer clients to a family therapist or a law firm specializing in adoption, donation, and surrogacy.

He ends his “About” page with – I am here to help you.

Not Judging Culture But . . .

Today’s blog is not about the people pictured above who simply represent a Pakistani couple with their baby . . . but it (the story) is interesting never-the-less. Not judging another country’s cultural practices either but I agree with the person who shared this. She ends on this thought – “Am I weird to think this is a terrible practice and likely adds another layer to the trauma done to adopted people and natural mothers/parents?”

So I’m Pakistani and I’ve heard of this practice taking place among *some* Pakistani families and it rubbed me the wrong way, based on what I know about adoption and surrogacy. Basically, let’s say there are two brothers. Brother A and his wife have no issue getting pregnant and having lots of kids while Brother B and his wife are struggling with infertility. The next time Brother A and his wife are expecting, Brother B and his wife, or other family members, will suggest that Brother A and his wife give up this baby to Brother B so he and his wife can finally have a baby. So Brother A’s wife becomes a surrogate of sorts.

I personally know a family that did this and have been asked myself if I’d do this for siblings, in laws, cousins, etc. I find this problematic because to me there is an assumption that the childless couple has some sort of claim or entitlement to another couples child. From what I know, a lot of women are basically volunteered, so consent is not fully present — family pressure is crazy in Pakistani families. “Your brother has no kids and you already have three, don’t be selfish!”

It seems men/fathers are generally much more amenable to this practice. There’s also some men who will marry additional wives purely for the sake of having kids/more kids. To me, surrogacy seems problematic for many of the same reasons as adoption.

A Uterus With Legs ?

The issue of referring to an adopted child’s first mother as the tummy mummy came up somewhat coincidentally today but it did cause me to reflect on this again. Somehow, I always feel a bit of cringe at that phrase and the title of this blog reflects how some other people feel about it. I found that Lori Holden aka Lavender Luz did a poll. She is an Author & Speaker, Diarist & Open Adoption Advocate. She also has a podcast – LINK>Adoption: The Long View.

First what got me here. The commenter is blocked from posting/ responding for a month in a Foster/Adopt group. The reason she notes is that it isn’t ‘kind’ to mention to someone with ‘guardianship’ whose 4 year old child sees her biological parents – that agreeing/ pretending, letting child pretend that the child grew in HER belly vs reinforcing to child that she grew in ‘mama name’s ‘ tummy…. That mama ‘name’ is more respectful than tummy mummy.

Of course, there is also this – that they “saved” the child …. and have done xyz for that child – still does not change the fact that child did not grow inside her. The issue started when a photo was posted that showed a non reading age child in a shirt with letters only stating she loved her as ‘mom’… allegedly the child picked that shirt out and insisted she wear it in front of the tree….again listing all the things ‘she’ saved child from…

The commenter was blocked after mentioning that seemed passive aggressive since the sees her actual parents.

In the LINK>Poll about the term “tummy mummy”, the 300 respondents broke down this way –

66% were adopting or adoptive parents
11% were adoptees
13% had a professional or nonprofessional interest in adoption
10% had placed a child or lost a child to adoption

You might expect that with such an Adoptive-Parent-heavy sample, the results would lean positive toward use of the term “Tummy Mummy” but you would be incorrect.

61% either didn’t like the term (26%) or detested it (35%)
25% were either neutral (12%) or found it acceptable (13%)
Only 5% loved it
The remaining 9% chose “Other,” which allowed for commentary.

Some of their comments included – Feels like a white-wash term trying to sanitize truth. It diminishes the woman’s motherhood. Original family isn’t reflected in this phrase, which seems intent on removing all important connections and substituting them with a biological detail that isn’t even accurate.

This one was interesting – I hate “tummy mommy.” When people told me babies grew in their moms’ tummies, I pictured babies swimming their stomachs with all the food. And babies popping out of tummies, Aliens-style.

Another one noted – My husband is a reunited adult adoptee. I actually shared this with him and he made a vomiting noise.

Another adoptee noted – young children are not given enough credit for understanding that we can have two mothers that love us, regardless if one can’t be there at the moment. I know for me personally it would have helped me tremendously to have been able to see and talk freely about my mother as this real person.

And this – “Tummy mummy” makes her sound like [my long-gone birth mother] was a surrogate rather than a human being making a difficult decision. It reduces her down to a particular “role”.