Abandoned As A Baby

Fatima Whitbread throwing the javelin

Saw this article by Hayley Myers in The Guardian – LINK>I was abandoned as a baby, but I’m one of the lucky ones – and I knew I had to share it today. The second time reads – “The world champion javelin-thrower talks about growing up in care and the love of her foster family – and how sport was her saviour.”

Her story reminds me of one I heard that happened to my mom (only we weren’t abandoned but the intention was just leaving us briefly to run an errand – thankfully no police came, we weren’t taken away from our family – it was a neighbor who came when she heard crying and then, my mom returned).

So Fatima begins her story – “I was abandoned as a baby and left to die in our flat. A neighbour heard me crying and called the police, who broke down the door and rescued me. I spent the next 14 years living in institutions, among other traumatised children. Because of the love from my foster family and my passion for sport, I count myself one of the lucky ones.”

“Not a lot has improved in the care system. Governments come and go, kicking the same tin can down the road. It’s impossible to believe that the sixth largest economy in the world struggles to look after young people suffering through no fault of their own.”

“Auntie Rae, who worked at the care home, was my bright shining star. She was “Mum” to so many children and taught me that in giving, you receive. Encouraging me to love others swivelled my lens outwards. I stopped getting stuck in the prison of my own thoughts.”

She shares – “Having my son was my proudest moment. It was important to me that I break the cycle and be a good parent, so I put him ahead of my career. I don’t regret it. If you asked my boy today, I think he’d say he had a good start to life.”

The interview with her ends on this note – Nobody gets over trauma. You just learn to deal with it. Every day I look in the mirror and ask my younger self, “Would you ever have thought you’d be a world champion?” And I say to her, “You’ve done all right. I’m looking after you. You’ll be fine.”

Luis Armando Albino

These kinds of stories fascinate me. Things have been disrupted for this week and that may include tomorrow.

In the meantime, here is the story that caught my attention today. This man is only a few years older than I am. Here is a link to that story in The Guardian as I am short on time today – LINK>Six-year-old abducted from California park in 1951 found alive after seven decades, all because his niece did a DNA test ‘just for fun’. He was reunited with his family in California just last June.

Ending Adoption – Chinese Babies

From Adoption.com – LINK>6 Things You Should Know – #1 There are no babies. Though dated (2018), “there are just no babies available for international adoption (in China). The world has changed a lot in the past twenty or so years, and while at one point it was common for parents to quickly bring home a very young girl, that is no longer that case. The children who are coming home now are older and have special needs of one sort or another. Younger children who are young and healthy are being adopted domestically, and it is not necessary to have them adopted overseas. This is a good thing.

More current is this article in The Guardian dated Sept 5 2024 – LINK>China says it is ending foreign adoptions. Here is a statistic – US families have adopted 82,674 children from China, the most of any country.

At a daily briefing on Thursday, Mao Ning, a spokesperson for the Chinese foreign ministry, said Beijing was no longer allowing intercountry adoptions of children from China, with the only exception for blood relatives to adopt a child or a stepchild. Mao did not explain the decision other than to say that it was in line with the spirit of relevant international conventions. “We express our appreciation to those foreign governments and families, who wish to adopt Chinese children, for their good intention and the love and kindness they have shown,” she added.

In letters sent to some adoption agencies on Wednesday, and shared on social media, the US state department said it had been told by Chinese authorities that all other pending adoptions were cancelled, except those with already issued travel authorizations. In a phone call with US diplomats in China, Beijing said it “will not continue to process cases at any stage” other than those cases covered by an exception clause. The embassy is seeking clarification in writing from China’s ministry of civil affairs, the US state department said on Thursday. The state department said: “We understand there are hundreds of families still pending completion of their adoption, and we sympathize with their situation.”

The Nanchang Project, a US-based group that works with Chinese adoptees and their adoptive parents to help adoptees find their biological families said the announcement marked “the end of an era”. It added: “It is our profound hope that the remaining children in China receive the attention, medical care, and love they deserve.”

The number of newborn babies in China fell to 9.02 million in 2023, and the overall population declined for the second consecutive year. Amid a series of government measures designed to encourage more births, China’s decades-long one-child policy – which was a key driver of babies, especially girls, being put up for adoption – was phased out.

We Called Her Mastodon

New Orleans is special in my own heart because my maternal grandmother fled to that city in her effort to undo the surrender of my mom to Georgia Tann, to prove she had the necessary support to raise my mom. It failed, of course. Georgia Tann was a force that could not really be reckoned with as so many stories from her reign of terror attest.

In Missouri, we actually have a state park dedicated to the Mastodon. But the creature for today’s blog comes from a story in The Guardian by Jason Berry – Link>‘We called her mastodon’: infamous New Orleans orphanage’s abusive history ran deeper than ever known. It is not about the storied animal but a perverse kind of human cruelty. My baby mom spent some time in the orphanage in Memphis known as Porter Leath Orphanage but she was not harmed in the way this story details. However, I do believe the orphanage my mother was in, was how how Georgia Tann discovered my mom, thanks to the superintendent there alerting her.

Here is one sad story from a man, Geo, who is now 64 years old. “My childhood was horrific,” he says matter-of-factly. “My father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. Madonna Manor was a place where dysfunctional parents dumped their children. My mom was subject to electroshock therapy and thorazine. She lost a baby. She had a psychotic breakdown and was placed in a mental hospital. The state took me over.”

Madonna Manor and its sister facility, Hope Haven, occupy Spanish mission-style buildings on opposite sides of Barataria Boulevard in the New Orleans suburb of Marrero. From the time he entered the now-shuttered complex, says Geo, the “sexual and physical abuse was constant”. Sister Martin Marie was “a huge, ugly, mean woman we called Mastadon behind her back”, he said of a nun who worked there. “The nuns had a sadistic streak. Martin Marie liked to whip out a fold-out army shovel and beat us.”

Almost unbelievable is the story of a bus driver, Charles Earhardt, who began molesting Geo immediately after the boy arrived. Even the home dismissed him, remarkably he managed to adopt two boys, who sadly he abused. The abuses ran from the 1940s through the 1970s. A memo written by the attorneys for 18 of the orphanage victims led to a $5.2 million settlement between the church and orphanage abuse claimants. The archdiocese filed for bankruptcy protection in 2020. Unresolved claims of abuse at Hope Haven and Madonna Manor are on pause because of the bankruptcy.

The sheer scope of the institutional sexual abuse that the Catholic church in New Orleans concealed at the orphanages alone beggars belief. More at The Guardian link above.

PS Geo sells his artwork via an Instagram page, Geo.J.Fineart.

Don’t Let The B*&^($@ds . . .

Daffodils & Dirt Sam Morton’s Album

That is not the album cover but the concept captured me. It comes from another woman’s Scottish story that drew Morton and has arrived in The Guardian – by Kate Kellaway – LINK>‘The hardest thing is to forgive yourself’: actor Samantha Morton and writer Jenni Fagan on the trauma of growing up in care.

The Guardian notes – Both women have used their work to process childhoods ravaged by neglect and abuse. Meeting for the first time, they discuss survival and anger, Fagan’s new memoir, and the state of the UK’s care system today. Jenni Fagan’s extraordinary, harrowing and uplifting memoir, Ootlin, is about growing up in the Scottish care system. Ootlin translated from the Scottish vernacular means someone who “never belonged, an outsider who did not want to be in”. LINK>Review by Sara Crowley. Samantha Morton is an Oscar nominee twice over, who directed and co-wrote, with Tony Grisoni, the TV film LINK>The Unloved (2009), about a girl growing up in a care home, which drew an audience of 2 million.

About Fagan’s memoir, Sam says: “When I read Jenni’s book, I felt as if we were twins. I didn’t realize there was another human being who had had an almost identical childhood to mine, and not only survived but become formidable against the odds. The similarities between us are bizarre; it was like when you do a butterfly drawing at school, then fold it – there is Jenni in Scotland and there is Sam in Nottingham… and we’re the same age.” “I’m a bit older,” says Fagan. “I’m still 46,” says Morton. “I’m 47,” Fagan says.

Both women spent years in children’s homes and foster care. Morton had 12 foster placements and Fagan 27 by the time she was 16 (with two unsuccessful adoption placements). Each had mothers who suffered poor mental health. Fagan never knew hers, whereas Morton’s mother, who died in 2017, is a known presence in her story. Morton’s father was intermittently violent and spent spells in prison. Both Fagan and Morton suffered abuse, got into drugs for a while, and had periods of homelessness.

If these stories are of interest to you, I highly recommend reading the entire article at The Guardian link above. blogger’s note – having learned I have Scottish roots, anything to do with that country always interests me.

Is It A Crisis ?

I used to worry about over-population. Five decades ago, Paul Ehrlich’s book The Population Bomb sparked global fears of “mass starvation” on a “dying planet” because of overpopulation.

One doesn’t hear about that very much anymore. I have two son that are early 20s. The older one at 23 is certain he will never have children. The younger one doesn’t talk about it at all. My husband was already 36 when we married, I was 34 and had previously been married and have a daughter by that marriage who was born in 1973. I didn’t foresee having 2 more children at 47 and 50 years of age but I have no regrets that we did this. When I discovered that it would be near impossible for me to conceive naturally at such an advanced age, I lamented that now that my husband was ready, I was too old to honor his desire to be a father. My OB said – “there is a way” – and we took “the way” he suggested and ran with it. We were incredibly lucky throughout the process overall.

So, what kind of crisis is this ? A baby crisis, a population crisis, a fertility crisis, a demographic crisis, an ageing crisis and/or an economic crisis ? There are many possible explanations and each of those kinds of crisis is some part of what some people think is a problematic issue for people globally going into the future. I don’t personally know if this really is “a problem” or not. It simply is the current reality. Thankfully, medical science does have some tools that did not exist in the past for those of us who remarry and those who wake up older one day and fear they missed their only opportunity to become parents.

It is also true that when women are more educated, more liberated, and more able to access contraception, they start having fewer children. An Institute For Health Metrics and Evaluation study noted that low-income places with higher fertility rates – such as sub-Sarahan Africa, which is set to contribute over half the world’s births by 2100 – will need better access to contraceptives and female education. This why, in many less developed countries, the effort is to educate more girls and provide them with birth control access, which also means that they don’t have to marry young and have lots of babies, if that isn’t their interest in reaching maturity.

The truth is that government really can’t do much to change this trajectory (and personally, I don’t know that government needs to). Pro-natal policies, such as free childcare, better parental care leave, financial incentives and employment rights, won’t boost fertility rates up to replacement levels. The 70s dip in having babies was largely thanks to the birth control pill, which also contributed to fewer teen pregnancies. That is generally considered a good thing that leads to fewer babies given up for adoption. Other factors included big social changes around gender equality, with women increasingly educated, working and with access to no-fault divorce. I certainly made use of no-fault divorce back in the mid-70s and was on birth control throughout my child-bearing years. I also started being employed while still in high school.

Jennifer Sciubba, author of 8 Billion and Counting: How Sex, Death and Migration Shape Our World, notes that following the “success sequence” – getting an education, a great job, a home, some savings – means pushing back having children. And once people have more money, they also want to have other things in their lives that kids might detract from – going out for a nice meal, taking a holiday, a full night’s sleep.

Having more than two can seem unimaginably intensive, hard and expensive, she says, but it’s never just the money. What about family and community support ? Religion ? The “little logistics” like needing a new car to fit enough car seats ? blogger’s note – Yeah, this explains a lot about that leaning into Christian Nationalism by conservatives and their Project 2025. Through east Asia, Sciubba says, the idea is spreading that “marriage is no longer required to have a good life. It might actually stifle your life because of gender relations within the household”.

Thanks to this article in The Guardian for many of today’s concepts and details. You can read the full article at this LINK>Birthrates are plummeting worldwide. Can governments turn the tide? by Tory Shepherd

Men Caring For Their Children

The Guardian had an article that caught my attention – LINK>Men are spending more time looking after their children – and it’s not just cultural, it’s in their genes by Jonathan Kennedy. (blogger’s note – I have only excerpted, you can read the entire interesting article at the link.) A great deal has changed in the past 50 years. In the 1970s, a young father would go straight from the labor ward to the pub to wet the baby’s head and be back in the office first thing the next morning.

Now fathers tend to be much more involved in looking after infants than previous generations. Women still have primary responsibility for looking after infants in most heterosexual relationships. The average dad in the 70s did just 22 minutes of childcare a day. Today, the figure is up to 71 minutes. For moms it is still much higher at 162 minutes. Fewer than a third of eligible fathers take the two weeks of paternity leave they are entitled to. Underpinning these disparities is the deeply entrenched belief that it is natural for men to go out to work and women to look after the children. The latest scientific research, however, demonstrates that we must rethink this assumption.

According to a certain understanding of evolution, the most selfish, competitive and even violent males are more likely to survive long enough to pass on their genes to the next generation. Over millions of years, less belligerent, more caring males have been eliminated by natural selection. From a biological perspective, it seems that human women are uniquely suited to looking after babies. They gestate, give birth, and breastfeed; and these processes cause hormonal changes that enhance mothers’ ability to care for their offspring. Oxytocin stimulates contractions during labour and the let-down reflex in breastfeeding, and the “love hormone” also helps mums bond with their babies. Prolactin – the “mothering hormone” – enhances empathy and nurturing instincts in addition to milk production.

However, research shows that men can be remarkably caring parents. (blogger’s note – I have definitely seen this up close with both of the fathers of my children.) In the mid-20th century, Margaret Mead concluded that “motherhood is a biological necessity, but fatherhood is a social invention”. And Sarah Blaffer Hrdy has written that “although there are obvious biological differences between men and women, we have almost the same genes and very similar brains. Consequently, men’s bodies retain the potential to do things typically associated with women, and vice versa.”

Interesting is a man’s hormonal response to fatherhood. When dads have prolonged periods of intimacy with babies, their bodies react in similar ways to new mums. Prolactin and oxytocin levels rapidly rise. Levels of testosterone – the male sex hormone – fall.

Human fatherhood is not this full-on, but when culture, choice or happenstance gives men caring responsibilities for infants, it triggers a similar endocrine response to mothers. Oxytocin and prolactin course through the brain, enhancing the father’s emotional wellbeing and social connections. For many fathers spending time with their baby, sharing the burden with their partner, or doing their bit to bring down the patriarchy is enough of a reward. But now we know there is another benefit: access to a part of the human experience that until recently was assumed to be closed to men.

For too long, simplistic interpretations of biology have been used to argue that traditional gender roles, in which women take on primary responsibility for childcare, are natural and immutable. We now know that biology can, in fact, free women and men from these binary straitjackets.

An 18th-Century Hoax

Things have been a bit heavy lately. Not heavier than usual as regards all things adoption but even so, I’m going for a bit of light-hearted-ness today – or is it, really ? My soul and psyche need it but this one may not soothe, as it is one those historical oddities. Never-the-less . . . here goes.

Courtesy of The Guardian story by Melissa Harrison. It is a review of LINK>Mary and the Rabbit Dream. In 1726, the medical establishment believed that a poor woman had given birth to rabbits. That woman was Mary Toft of Godalming, who was a seasonal field laborer. paid only a penny a day. Her husband Joshua was a cloth worker. They were impoverished almost to the point of destitution. It wasn’t all that rare in a time of gross economic inequality. She was illiterate and healthy but her doctors described her as having “a stupid and sullen temper”.

The first “rabbit birth” occurred not long after Mary had suffered a miscarriage. Her mother-in-law, Ann Toft, was her midwife. A doctor from Guildford, John Howard, was enlisted for her case. She was moved into John Howard’s house but he lost control of the situation, as the sideshow snowballed with more and more rabbit parts issuing from Mary. So, she was taken to London, where she attracted the interest of the press and the king, was examined by rival surgeons and, eventually, the eminent obstetrician Sir Richard Manningham.

There was a myth at the time that that anything a woman saw or even imagined while pregnant could impress itself upon the developing fetus. What was known as maternal impression. Indignity and suffering were visited upon this powerless woman by people in thrall either to their own egos or their own schemes. In this historical hoax story, there was a lack of any clear, central motive presented to explain Mary’s supposed condition (though hunger could have driven her to the fabrications). At the time, rabbit farming was popular on Godalming’s sandy soils, but only for the rich. To poach a rabbit was to risk severe punishment – even in the face of starvation.

The “rabbit births” could have been an act of desperation on Mary’s part. Like many stories lost in the mists of time, all of the facts will never be known. So okay, maybe not a fun story for today. More so, a sad tale – as too oft is the truth.

Those Pesky DNA Surprises

In this age of inexpensive DNA testing and matching – it happens. In The Guardian’s advice column by Annalisa Barbieri, a woman notes and then asks LINK>”I just found out who my real father is. What do I do now?” To which the columnist offers some reasonable advice – “DNA tests can reveal some huge hidden secrets. Take time to process your own feelings before coming to terms with your new family tree.”

The woman writes – I’m happily married with adult children, and grandchildren. One of my children bought me a DNA testing kit and when I received the results I was taken aback to discover that the man I thought was my father was not actually my biological parent.

She further adds these details – My parents were married for some years before I arrived and I have no siblings. My mother was a loving, kind person and growing up I was surrounded by a loving maternal extended family. My father was a “difficult” character, emotionally abusive and distant. He never told me he loved me and I know he made my mother’s life hell at times.

Adding some more details, she continues – I’ve discovered that my biological father was a work colleague of my mother’s. At the time of my conception he was also married with a 10-year-old daughter. We lived in a rural community and I met him and his wife on many occasions. He seemed to be a kind, intelligent man. Both he and my mother died a few years ago.

My mind’s in turmoil; I have so many questions that I know can’t be answered. I’m frustrated that I will never know the truth of the situation. Did other people in the family know when I didn’t?

I’ve told my husband but I’ve decided to not tell my children – I don’t want to upset their memories of a loving grandmother but I don’t know if this is the correct thing to do.

The other issue is his daughter, my half-sister. I’m sad that I’ve never had the chance to have a sibling relationship with her and never will because I will not tell her of my discovery.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

Annalisa Barbieri begins her response compassionately – “What a shock for you. I hope you are taking time to absorb it because this is seismic news. And it’s becoming more common now that DNA testing is so readily available. Lots of secrets that were once thought buried are being exposed. It makes it even harder when the people involved are dead and you can’t ask questions.”

A family psychotherapist, Reenee Singh, acknowledged – “it’s so de-stabilizing to realize the reality you grew up with isn’t what you thought.”

Both the advice columnist and the family psychotherapist agreed – she really should tell her children. The rationale was “Your children are adults and there’s a natural ‘in’ there as your daughter bought you a DNA test. what you don’t want is your children or grandchildren discovering this one day when they may take a DNA test.”

It’s always a good idea to process your own initial feelings first. You may wish to avail yourself of therapy. When you tell your children, you want to be neutral and factual. After you tell your own children, leave it to them to tell your grandchildren.

It was not clear whether this woman already had contact with her half-sibling. So, it was suggested that after she’s told her own children, to post the results on the genealogy site that processed her DNA. The half-sibling might then find that result and make contact in the future.

They emphasized that coming to terms with an unexpected surprise is a process. The advice columnist notes that “there’s a lot for you to work through, not only a new father figure but a whole new family story.” The psychotherapist wondered if this news doesn’t provide a sense of relief, as the father the woman knew as such was a complicated relationship for her. Going forward, in order to resolve her feelings towards her deceased mother, she should try to understand the situation that her mother lived through. This revelation certainly doesn’t mean that she still doesn’t love her mother.

A Safe Place To Grow

Kristi, Ekko and Heidi

This is the second story that I’ve become aware of where a grandmother gestated her own grandchild for her daughter. In general, I am against surrogacy because I believe that mother child separations cause harm to the young infant. However, in the case of a grandmother who intends to remain involved in her grandchild’s life, doing this for her daughter who has dealt with the challenges of infertility and miscarriage – it is an entirely different situation that makes such a surrogacy acceptable.

My grandson was born before my oldest son. My sense of genetic biological connection to him was unmistakable. No, I wasn’t a surrogate for his gestation. However, a mother and daughter are so much alike in many cases that such a situation is not damaging to the child who is gestated in that manner. At least, this is my own perspective on it. My own sons are conceived – both – with the help of the same egg donor and as my OB impressed upon me during their gestation, it does make a difference that they grew in my womb. They also both nursed at my breast for about one year. And I’ve been present as the only “mom” they have known 24/7 for their entire lives (one is almost 20 and the other one is 23). Their love towards me and appreciation for me seems authentic so far and it is my hope that will always be the case with them and their affections.

The Guardian’s story LINK>”I gave birth to my granddaughter” published on June 21 2024 and written by the gestational grandmother, Kristi Schmidt, is the newest such story to come to my own attention. I was already 50 years old when I gave birth to my youngest son. Kristi was 52 when she agreed to gestate her daughter Heidi’s baby. The daughter had been pregnant with twins after 4 years of attempts to conceive through fertility treatments. However, at 10 weeks Heidi lost one of the babies, and at 24 weeks she lost the other twin. Watching Heidi’s grief was awful for Kristi.

“Please let me speak to your doctor about being your surrogate,” Kristi said to Heidi. “What safer place for your baby than their grandmother’s womb?” When asked as the pregnancy became more obvious – she’d say – “I had nothing to do with conceiving this child, I’m just a safe place for it to grow.” Having her granddaughter in her arms was amazing – but she felt like a proud grandmother, not a mom. Two years later, when her granddaughter calls her Gigi and runs into her arms, it’s always the same happy experience.

If this happy story appeals to you, you can read it entirely at The Guardian link above.