Legal Standing

Today’s story (not my own) – I’m completely distraught because my 2.5 year old nephew is being adopted by his foster parent. She has legal standing over us cause she’s had him over a year. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as foster parent standing. Regrettably we weren’t in a position to be able to take him in at the time he entered care (at age 1) and I will never forgive myself for that. I won’t go into details but I was going through my own struggles at the time and it wouldn’t have been fair for anyone, including my nephew and 4 young kids. But I torture myself day and night about it. Especially now….

My sister, my nephew’s mom, was murdered the day before Thanksgiving. She was in rehab for months last year. Following her plan and trying so hard. We truly thought she was getting him back and that we wouldn’t need to intervene. If only we knew then what we know now, everything would be different. Caseworkers, GAL, supervisors, lawyers were all no help. “Standing” and “bond” was all they kept saying. Lawyers wouldn’t even take the case; they advised me not to try to get custody because the foster parents would win and then our relationship would be damaged. Was I in the wrong here for trying to do this? Isn’t being with family what would be best for him long term? I understand he will have trauma either way unfortunately. But we did say if he came to us, the foster parents could still see him a lot too!! Hoping that would help him with the transition. With us, he could see his siblings, father, grandparents, etc more. He would have genetic mirroring. He would know all of his family history. We’d be able to tell him stories about his mom. How does a 1 year relationship with a foster parent trump a lifetime with biological family?!

The foster parent claimed she was gonna be “so open” and said “you’re not losing him.” All lies. She’s already stopped all communication, blocked me on Facebook, and refuses to allow me (and his grandfather) visits. How could someone treat a grieving family this way? I was never anything but kind to her! We are his safe, healthy, loving family. I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. He is her first foster child and I should’ve seen this coming. When she found out we wanted to get custody, she said in a text to my mom, “I’m aware of the emails/calls/efforts but after nearly 18 months with me, I’ve been assured that it’s futile. Frankly it is very disappointing because I have been open about everyone staying in his life.” SHE’S disappointed? All our family feels is emptiness.

My mom has my nephew’s sister (since she was a toddler, now a young teen) who is devastated about this adoption as well. Everyday is a nightmare and everything feels hopeless. I already lost my sister and now I’m losing my nephew. It hurts so much some days that I don’t think I can endure it.

One adoptive parent suggested – File a motion to intervene with the county courts. Show up to all hearings and fight! It is required by law to rule out biological family first and most of the time that wins out over the child’s temporary bond with their foster parents.

One who was fostered from birth and later adopted notes -Self-centered people hang on very tight when they have a child that they assume will be “theirs” someday. The system is not about the child’s welfare. Sometimes it is about who has more money. That is the gold standard. In the larger scheme and meanings of life, money matters more than our genuine family members.

Reunification

Today’s story – 4 years ago, we became aware that the mom of a child, female age 12, who had been placed in foster care in our community, terminated her parental rights. We had not been involved with foster care or with this child but we felt moved by her need for a home and became her foster and then, adoptive parents.

(By the way) we fought the coercion to adopt but were told it was necessary or she’d be back in the foster care system. We were inexperienced and should have fought that demand more – in hindsight. At least, we didn’t change her name. During our journey together, we have been able to help her re-establish a close relationship with her mom. (Contact between them had been terminated by court order.) Her mom has made such brave and significant changes, enough the her daughter was able spend the summer with her mom. This was something both them wanted.

Typical in such situations, of course, the girl now wants to stay with her mom. We are supportive of that and are working through the logistics that would allow her that option, for as long or short as she wants. We will provide financial support and as much connection as she wants from us.

Her mom lives about 45 minutes away – so there are certain ways we won’t be able to help, like giving daily rides. Does anyone have any experience with helping a child transition back to (their biological) parents ? Any advice for us, on how to be helpful in the right ways ?

Some sympathetic support comes – where we are located, that decision has to go through Child Protective Services. I looked into it for one of my adoptees. It was painless here and approved. This child still hasn’t chosen what she wants to do, now that it is an option. If she chooses to, then we need to go to court, to give the Mom guardianship so she can have the right for medical choices, school choices, etc. She knows that all of us will respect her choice and still be active in her life, just as we all are now. We will also be providing medical insurance and financial help.

Some cautions are given – you may want to look into reunification counseling, which usually focuses on kids who have been estranged from a parent due to divorce. You may also want to consult a lawyer to learn your risk of child neglect charges – it is easy to reunify legally, IF it was a voluntary private relinquishment. Depending on the backstory for that termination of parental rights – both you and the mom could be in legal trouble. if Child Protective Services finds out (also think through situations in your and the mom’s life, are there vindictive relatives who would report the girl for being with her mom, just to cause trouble ?)

Another chimes in – be extremely cautious with this. It could prove incredibly abusive and gaslighting for the child. The person above notes that she’d assumed it would be far less adversarial, than in a typical divorce case because all caregivers are encouraging reunion.

Lastly, let the child lead. Both mom and child will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to work through, therapy can help.

How To Go About Transitioning

So here’s the background and the story –

I am the foster parent for two young children (ages 2 and 3) throughout the last year and a half. Termination of parental rights is set for April. I have a good relationship with their mother and I’m able to facilitate her visits with the kids even though the agency would say no (don’t tell anyone). Their fathers are not in the picture of their own choosing. Their mom now lives about an hour from me. She is originally from California and I’m in Kansas. Their mom has family (an aunt) in California who would take the children in, if the mom’s rights are terminated. This aunt tried to obtain possession of the children, when they were first taken into foster care. At that time the goal was reunification with their mom. Therefore, the agency didn’t want to move them that far away from their mom.

Their mom wants to do whatever is best for her kids and has said she is fine with them living either with me or with the aunt, if she can’t get custody of her children. So here’s my question, would the kids be better off living with their biological family, even though they’ve never met their aunt and would have to move away from their mom or with me, the place they know as home currently and where they can still be around their mom?

I love them and would definitely keep them – if I need to – but I don’t want to do that, if it is in any way putting myself above them. They have had a lot of trauma, from being moved around a lot in foster care, before they came to me and they really struggle with being away from me, even for short periods. That has always made me worry about them with regard to having to move again, but I’ve thought maybe I could go with them and stay in California for a week or so, if they do move and we could do a transition – to make this change less of a traumatic issue. Is that enough? Also, they are bi-racial and I am mostly white. Though one does have Native American and I do as well, they are dark skinned, where as I am not.

I have heard through the caseworker that the aunt has adopted other children within her family – so I’m going on the assumption that it’s a stable home with some trauma background.

Another woman, who is both an adoptive and a foster parent replies –

Long term, yes, it will be better for them to be with their family. Genetic and racial mirrors are both vitally important. They are very little, so while it may be a hard transition, they will be okay. I would see if you can start video chats with the family in California now, so that the kids can get familiar with them. But absolutely, you need to make the child welfare workers aware that you want the aunt to adopt. They need to start the ICPC process now – if this hasn’t happened already because it can take several months to complete. And the sooner these kids can get to the aunt the better.

The ICPC is The Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. The purpose of ICPC is to ensure that children placed out of their home state receive the same protections and services that would be provided if they remained in their home state.