A Lifetime Of Wondering Why

It is not unusual to hear adoptees express this kind of feeling – Adoption damned me to a lifetime of wondering why ? Why didn’t you love me enough to stay ? Do I deserve love ? What is love ? Am I unlovable ?

When a mother breaks the bond the infant had with her, it’s tears away everything the infant knew. The child’s heart is like a broken record or a confused GPS constantly re-calculating and playing over and over again the trauma, trying to make sense of it.

We are given a connection at birth. The moment that a severing happens a new attachment is formed. Heartbeats heard for months comfort us as we lay skin to skin. A voice we fell asleep to in our water beds is clearer and easy to recognize. The hands that pressed against the womb like a window now cradle and caress us. They do so for years. Or as long as we let them. I was nothing to you and no one was that special someone to me again.

I used to look for you. Staring in the faces of strangers, trying to remember how you looked and praying my eyes would settle on the face my heart would remember. I used to sit in a fog, while other children played around me, with thoughts only for you. I used to lay awake at night in my bed and see the moon peeking through the window and despair that tomorrow was another day of looking. Another long night apart.

So yes, I do remember. Even now, decades later – my body, my soul, and my heart remembers. I have learned love and I have learned loss. I have learned to draw happy little stick families with a sticker heart border and “my family” scrawled at the top. I still remember being pressed against your chest with your hair and smoky breath swirling around me. Pressed against your chest until I couldn’t breathe and it was all warm and black and fuzzy – YOU.

I know where you are now. You are buried on the side of a mountain. I never found you again no matter how hard I looked and believe me I never stopped looking. I do plan to visit your grave someday. I want to stop my heart from looking. I want to say the goodbye I never got to say and I want to do it for the little girl who still remembers.

Blogger’s note – on my own “roots” journey to discover who my adoptee parents’ biological, genetic parents were, I have been able to visit the graves of my mom’s parents. And I did sit there next to their gravestones and pour my heart out with the good-bye’s I never had an opportunity to say, before then.

Bridges

A woman writes – fostering is something I’ve thought about a lot lately. Fostering to help with reunification and supporting families and siblings, not fostering to adopt. If I was to foster, I’d have one family/child at a time. So either siblings or an only child. I’m experienced with mental health and trauma, as well as being fostered myself. I’d also love to foster older kids or teenagers, either long term or short term, however I can help the young person. I just want to be a safe space that I never had.

A foster parent suggests the LINK>Bridges program in Ohio as an example.

Here’s how Ohio works: It starts at emancipation and ends at age 21. An adult can provide “supportive in-home” care. You aren’t the parent or the guardian because the young person is legally an adult and fully autonomous. They have a liaison with the program who works their plan with them – budgeting, education, jobs, etc. The liaison part is basic, so with a good relationship in place, you can really help a young adult prepare to be fully independent! It’s hard to adult ! In Ohio, you get a stipend for room and board, so you’ll provide meals and snacks, a private room and all utilities. It’s like a step toward an apartment. I think the program has great potential but it’s underutilized and maybe not quite enough support for the former foster care youth. But with the added help of the in-home support person, it can be life changing for a young person !

Too Many People Already

I can’t see my all things adoption group agreeing with this one but sometimes it is one of the arguments. Today, I read (and to be honest, this concern was minor compared to the others) –

I sterilized myself last year because my bloodline is just plain bad. My genes are very bad. I am also not healthy enough to carry safely, and I know what genes I and my fiancé would be putting into our prospective biological child. On the off chance that the baby would be healthy, that would be fantastic. But I can’t guarantee that, especially knowing what I have wrong with me and what is in my bloodline. I feel it would be very selfish of me to give birth to a child who would potentially have even more problems than I have. Plus, I don’t want to add more life into the world when it’s already overrun. I didn’t ask to be born, neither would our biological child. Her question to the group was – Can someone please give me a better idea of what qualifies as ‘good’ adoption and what qualifies as ‘selfish’? I want to make sure that we do it right, with as minimal trauma as possible.

From a mother of loss to adoption (aka birth mother) – Most adoption is basically legal human trafficking. It is likely to have lasting impacts on children – even if they’re separated at birth. In my own opinion, the only “good” adoptions are unavoidable ones where a child is orphaned, abandoned, or removed from an abusive/neglectful household where reunification isn’t an option. Otherwise you’re basically buying a baby and putting your own desires above the actual wellbeing of the child.

An adoptive mother asks – If you aren’t healthy enough to carry a child, are you healthy enough to raise them? Here was her reply – when I say not healthy enough to carry, I mean as in I am obese. We all know what overweight can do to a pregnancy, and being obese is even worse. I also have badly scarred lungs from many bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia and have high blood pressure. The risk for miscarriage is very high. Luckily because I’m sterile, I don’t have to worry about that.

The follow-on question from an adoptee was – How are you going to keep up with kids ? Her reply was – I’m taking medicine to make my condition bearable and I’m steadily losing weight (15 pounds down!) Plus my fiancé is much more active than I, so he can take over when I cannot continue. I also look at my mom who has been obese her entire life with me. She kept up with me.

One adoptee notes – I had 16 children and am not a pixie … nothing with my weight was an issue. I was 260 with my last. (Same dad/husband for all).

From a Baby Scoop Era adoptee who was pregnant as a teen but who parented asks – are you healthy enough to parent, chase after and be reasonably certain that “you” are healthy enough to keep up with and participate in all the physically challenging aspects of raising a child???? For at least 30 years???? They do not stay cute/cuddly babies forever!?! Consider joining a gym and adopting a puppy or kitten!?

Another adoptee notes – You’ve been here, hearing that adoption is unethical and causes harm, yet you still want there to be “a right way” to do things for yourself. You’ve still got a bit of de-centering to do in this conversation. She replied – I don’t necessarily mean a ‘right’ way, but a less traumatizing way. I would love to have the chance to be a parent in the best way possible, but not by giving birth to my own. I’d like to find the best way to go about adoption minimizing trauma as much as possible, since I know trauma will still be a thing no matter what. The adoptee states – Adoption legally disrupts identity, family, and history. Consider other ways of helping displaced children, such as fostering and supporting reunification, or supporting teens as they age out and start making their own way, temporary or permanent legal guardianship, other legal transfers of custody. Kids shouldn’t be required to give up anything in order to get the help they need.

Another mother of loss to adoption shares – it’s weird to me that you know it causes trauma and you still want to do it. Reminds me of my own situation. My son’s adoptive mother knew there would be trauma but thought that if we did open adoption well enough, it could mitigate that trauma for him. I don’t yet know how he feels about it as an adult but I’m so angry about it now. That she was glad to do the harmful thing – just hoping to make it less harmful.

When the woman complains – “This is tiring” Another adoptee replies – really?! This is tiring for you imagine how tiring it is for people that are adopted telling you over and over again that adoption is trauma, and it is selfish and human trafficking yet you try to justify your actions by doing it because of your health issues. Having a child is not a right it’s a privilege… and it seems to me you don’t have that privilege. You do not have to adopt a child in order to give it external care but participating in the system is participating in human trafficking.

Someone formerly in foster care disagrees with the above – I believe she means tiring because she’s repeating herself in different ways. I can understand where the system is abused and children are being taking advantage of by the system. I have been in there while I was in foster care. However, being in foster care is not the same for everyone. Most kids would love to be reunited with their parents because most don’t understand the harm they were in. Later in life they find out and can appreciate being removed from harmful situations. Also, there are children who hope to be adopted to have a family that they choose and chooses them. I have also been here. I’ve been in multiple foster care homes and was adopted as a teenager. I also recently adopted my nephew and his sister (mom had a baby by an unknown father). I fostered them for over 2 years trying to reunite and both her and my brother chose to sign over their rights. I tried helping her and taking her to her rehab centers and she would leave and say it’s too hard. She was also prostituting and using drugs and coming to supervised visits high and unable to keep her eyes open. Dept of Social Services gave the ultimatum that either I adopt or they will find someone else who will because she had given up trying at all. So I understand all perspectives. Sometimes no matter what anyone does the birth parents aren’t going to get their life together. The kids are already in the system. Adoption can allow a sense of home and normalcy other than being that foster child or not being able to call anyone mom or dad or whatever. (Also, I don’t force anyone to call me anything. I ask them what do they feel comfortable calling me and how they want me to address them). It’s important for them to feel included and know their opinions matter.

Should I Tell ?

Not saying my image is “the” necklace but it is a lovely tradition to share.

Today’s story (not my own) –

My cousin was adopted out during the Baby Scoop Era and my family is Catholic. She’s 15 yrs older than me and she found us when I was a tween (so like 30 yrs ago). She was very close to her adoptive dad, but not as much with her adoptive mother. They’ve both passed now, and she is close now with us, her birth family including her birth Mom.

So my question is… my Grandma got all her female grandchildren a necklace for our parents to give us at high school graduation. We have a “cousins chat group” which she is in, and I recently posted a pic of the necklace and included her saying that I found one online and I’d love to send her one too because Grandma would want her to have it. She seemed really thankful and said she loved it.

So here’s the thing – my Aunt (her birth Mom, who may have already told her this) told me not too long ago that my Grandma forbid my Aunt to hold her as a newborn and refused to hold her herself, as she knew if they did they’d never be able to let her go. Do I tell her this?? Or is this really overstepping, and just let her enjoy her “cousin necklace”? I just love her so much and want her to know how much her natural family loves her, especially now that her adoptive family is gone.

An adoptee answers – I would not tell her that, it can only bring hurt.

Another agrees but with exceptions – I wouldn’t voluntarily tell her that. But if she asks difficult questions or wants to have all info, even hard to hear info revealed to her, tell her the truth, every time.

An adult adoptee elaborates – I don’t think it’s necessary to say at all, personally, but also it seems completely unrelated to this specific context of giving her the necklace. Like, if the point is to bring her in and include her in a family tradition, why turn around and also tell her “btw granny said/did some awful things when you were born. but she’d want you to have this!” ? It just seems like it would negate the sentiment of the gift – you’d be including her and also othering her at the same time.

Then, there was this sad story – My grandma loves to bring up the fact that my mom dropped me off when I was 2 days old and that my father left the state because “he would’ve killed you, if he stuck around”. There really is no reason to share that information with me. I know about my trauma and have a lot of specific events and memories. Adding more just doesn’t….make sense. Seems like adding salt to the wound.

More from another adoptee – My siblings and cousins know a lot more about my family situation than I do as it’s their lived experience. My cousin and I, in particular, have an extremely close relationship and I believe her when she tells me stories about our family. That said, she does not tell me things that would be personally hurtful to me that she may have overheard. We had this discussion and she asked me, “Do you want to know EVERYTHING?” So I got the watered down version sans quotes. I do know it was my grandmother who insisted I be relinquished. I know how she treated my mother when she was pregnant with me and afterwards. I really don’t need to know more than that.

Personally, I would not share that with her UNLESS she were to ask you, “Do you know if my mother and grandmother ever held me?” And then I would HEAVILY stress that the reason they didn’t was because they loved her so much and knew they would never be able to let her go. Please let her enjoy the cousin necklace and THANK YOU for getting her her own cousin necklace and including her in the group chat.

So many have similar experiences, like this one – My grandparents refused to see me and my mother did not hold me, but she would come look at me. My grandparents couldn’t bring themselves to look at me because I would be real. If I was real then they couldn’t give me away. It is really a conversation that needs to be had between her and her mother. It’s not really a conversation that anyone else can accurately translate.

Looking For Context

Today’s complicated situation –

12 years ago my brother got married and had a baby very young. About two years into the marriage his wife wanted to separate, so they were co-parenting. She then decided she wanted full custody and made a laundry list of allegations against my brother in order to obtain that, but ultimately was not successful. When that failed, she told him he was not the father— which turned out to be true. At this point my brother had raised this child for 3 years and loved being a father and was absolutely devastated. A series of events led to him making the decision to step aside and sign away his parental rights so that the mother, real father, and baby could be a family. It shattered him and he processed it like a death of a child.

9 years have past since he stepped away. Since then the biological father has completely disappeared and she has been remarried 4 separate times. She has been placed in an involuntary psych hold on 2 separate occasions and has some serious mental health struggles.

Fast forward to this month. Everyone in my family, including myself and my husband, have received letters from Texas Child Protective Services (where the mother lives— all of us are in New York) looking for family of this child and saying there is an open case. We responded saying that we know of the child in question and are awaiting more information.

My questions are: Does this letter mean the child is in CPS (Child Protective Services) custody/the system ? What happens here, since we are not actually blood related to this child ? Does this mean the mother has been deemed unfit in some way ? Or that other family has been unresponsive to this search for connections to this child ?

The grandparents on the mother’s side are incredibly abusive, and her sibling is in jail for shooting a gun at someone in a park. It seems the biological father’s family wants no part of this child’s life. I have no idea what any of us in my family would do from here— my brother is married and now has a 4 month old— and no one in my family is in a great place to take in a child, nor am I sure that would be the right thing to do ? But we are all very concerned— we loved this child deeply and were heartbroken when all of this took place. I know at this point she is a traumatized pre-teen who has probably been through hell and back. I guess I’m just wondering what the right thing to do in this situation is, and looking for context for what this CPS letter means in terms of the child’s welfare.

One knowledge response was – They are clearly looking for Fictive Kin. Please try to discover more and if / how your family (especially your brother) can get involved for the youth’s sake.

Similarly – They are looking for fictive kin. This can be anyone who has had any connection with the child (neighbors, parent’s co-workers, religious community, teachers, etc.). It’s heartening to know that CPS has actually contacted you all. The best way to get a better picture of what’s going on to with the child is to respond to the CPS letter. You’ll most likely be placed in contact with a social worker who’s been working on the case. I have a list of questions you can ask (see below). Hoping for the best for the child, her natural mother, and your brother.

Here is a list of questions for a situation such as this –

Reason for Placement:

Can you tell me a bit about what led to the child being placed in foster care ? Just trying to understand their backstory a bit.

How’s the child handling the transition into foster care ? Any particular challenges they’re facing ?

Legal Proceedings/Termination of Parental Rights:

Has there been any progress or updates regarding legal proceedings or the possibility of terminating parental rights ?

How’s the child navigating through any legal stuff ? Are they aware of what’s happening, and how are they coping with it ?

Child’s Development:

What’s the current living situation like for the child ? How are they adjusting to it ?

Can you tell me a bit about the child’s personality and interests ? Just trying to understand what makes them tick.

How’s the child doing in school ? Are there any particular subjects or activities they excel in ?

Do they have any hobbies or talents that they’re passionate about ? Just curious about what brings them joy.

Family Dynamics/Relationships:

How often does the child get to see or communicate with their biological family ? And how are those interactions going ?

How do they get along with their foster family and peers ? Any budding friendships or challenges they’re facing ?

Support and Services:

What kind of support services are available to the child and their foster family ?

Are there any particular cultural or religious considerations we should keep in mind while caring for the child ?

Future Plans/Goals:

What are the long-term goals or plans for the child’s placement ? Any steps you’re taking to work towards those goals ?

How can we, as their foster family, best support them in their growth and development ?

Health and Well-being:

Are there any health concerns or medical needs we should be aware of ? How are you addressing those ?

How does the child express their feelings or emotions ? And how can we help them develop healthy coping skills ?

Foster Experience Truth

Totally short on time yet again but this is not the first time I have seen this kind of experience shared by a person who spent time in foster care.

I really need to get something off my chest tonight. I’m trauma dumping in a weird way. This trauma still bothers me to this day and I just can’t fully get past it… maybe because I don’t fully understand. I’m going to share some information that may be “foggish”, but I’m about about to be extremely vulnerable.

I had ONE amazing foster home out of the 50+ (yes you read that right) that I was in over the course of 6 years (because no one wanted pre teens and teens where I lived, so there was a ton of short term placements), and ironically this was also my last foster home. For many it doesn’t matter, but I was the only white child up in her home. You’d think it’d be odd (this was the south in the 90s), but God yall this woman her husband, and her kids never treated me any differently, provided me the same opportunities they did their own biological kids, and did more for me in my time with her than anyone ever did. She fostered dozens of teens, mamas and babies, and everything in between… She was our champion in dark times and our biggest cheerleader in the good.

Y’all. When I finally ended up at this woman’s home with her, her husband, and her children – I was completely broken. I had been abandoned as a preteen by my family. I was abused in foster homes both physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually before her. I was “lost” by the system numerous times over disappearing for weeks and no one knew I was gone. I was sexually trafficked across several states while running away. I had just made front page news in Arkansas defending myself related to a 48 year old man at 16 years old, for what he and his friends (including a 911 dispatcher) did to me. The news back then published my full name, where I was from, that I was a runaway foster child from the city and state I ran from… and even more details. I was a vulnerable, broken, desperate and scared CHILD.

Looking back… I have to ask why NO ONE other than her cared enough to protect me before her. If it wasn’t for her and her husband sitting me down and talking with me days at a time (in the living room with chocolate and popcorn)… I’m not sure I’d even be alive anymore. Yes. I ultimately ran from her home too (because I had found out I was pregnant from the Texas rape and my caseworker had already warned me if I got pregnant they would force me to have an abortion and tie my tubes)… I have been given so many WHYS… but they could never answer my questions, no matter how hard they tried. Sadly, they said the system had failed me numerous times over. I know that one good home closed down not long after I left. So, maybe someone can answer these, so they’ll stop haunting me at night. The biggest one being why powerful men and women were able to successfully get away with this.

Why was my mother not criminally charged for taking me to Div of Family and Children’s Services with a duffle bag and dropping me off on the 3rd floor saying she didn’t know how to raise a teen?

Why did a foster home allow a 17 year old boy to room with a 13 year old girl in bunkbeds and when I started complaining of pain, ignored it telling me I needed to go on birth control instead of whining.

Why did a foster home allow her older foster girls to “take care of” younger foster kids including beating them (I started having seizures following one of those girls bashing my head into a wall because I told the school counselor she was hitting me and the foster mom told her to “take care of it” for her).

Why did a foster home get away with keeping a locked fridge with food/snacks for the family only, and locked cabinets with the same rules. Foster children were only allowed to eat at meals. Otherwise food was off limits.

Why was a foster dad allowed to stay in the room with me during a pap smear, even after I told the doctor I wasn’t ok with that?

Why did a foster home with a psychologist mom and a police officer dad allow and encourage me to date their 35 year old firefighter neighbor.

Why did a caseworker encourage me to run somewhere “fun”, for her to come and retrieve me from, and rewarded me with a mini shopping spree, when I called her from a pay phone in Vegas after my plane landed.

Why was a foster home allowed to have locks reversed on all the foster children’s bedrooms, essentially locking us in our rooms at night?

Why didn’t a foster home didn’t get in trouble for failing to report me as a runaway for nearly 2 months?

Why did foster homes do “round circles” where the teens were to hold “accountability meetings” and name calling, targeting weaknesses, etc – why was this encouraged ? I was called a sl*t, wh*re, my sexual activities shared with the other girls, my rapes talked about with them… and they were able to dissect them and tell me how it was all my fault – and the same done to others. Nothing was confidential.

Why did a foster mom have kids eat in shifts and if you didn’t get to the table in time before dinner was gone, you got nothing to eat (her table sat 6, she fostered six kids and had three of her own).

Why did my guardian ad litem tell me more than once that no one cared about me and when I ended up dead, it wouldn’t surprise anyone.

Why was a retired police officer and Texas state prison worker comfortable taking me, 15 years old at the time, into BDSM parties and sharing me with their friends. No one questioned my age, and the host of said party was a DHS caseworker in Texas.

Why did the police in Texas, when I called after being raped, tell me I deserved what happened to me, playing in a grown up’s world and placed me in juvenile detention, until my caseworker came and got me three weeks later.

Why when what happened in Arkansas made the news, the foster home encouraged me to speak with the media and their lawyers, and in turn these people were comfortable and allowed them to post all of my identifying information, allowed me to defend myself against a 48 year old man and his friends who abused me and used me for their gain.

Why did the judge call me an upcoming prostitute and a whore for older men “off the record” after court ended one day and tell me she could throw ME in jail because I was sexually active (sexually trafficked) with married men and adultery was illegal in our state.

Why after I ran from this lovely woman’s home and came out pregnant… the ER called from a different state (underage minor and all that) and my caseworker refused to return calls? Instead she faxed documentation that I was emancipated and not their problem.

Why did the state, after my baby was born, feel comfortable threatening me saying emancipation wasn’t a real thing and telling me I could go to jail, keeping my daughter, and me never seeing her again, etc because I was a rape victim, until I signed private adoption papers… and the day after it was cleared, they suddenly recognized and admitted the emancipation was valid and never contacted me again….

I’m hoping that someone can help me… because therapy sure as heck isn’t cutting it.

Love For Them Is Natural

Image from a reunion story at LINK>Cafe Mom

I read this from an adoptive parent today in my all things adoption group – “We as adoptive parents shouldn’t feel threatened when adoptees express their love for their biological parents.”

The comment above came in response to something she had read in a different group (that I am not a member of) – “How do you handle your kids saying they love their biological parents more than you ? My oldest son is 5 but I’ve had him since he was 9 months old. He was allowed overnights with biological mom until he was 2-1/2 years old. He’s only seen her 5 times since she lost custody. From my prospective, he doesn’t really know her because they have rarely been together. The overnights were for one night every month or two. It just hurts my feelings when he says he loves his birth mom and her husband (not his bio dad) and not me”.

One mother of loss noted a bit cynically – OMG did an adoptive parent just admit their own fragility and insecurity ?! Better put this one on the calendar. Someone get this lady a medal. Sorry you weren’t able to erase an unbreakable bond. And as how to “handle” it ? You ACCEPT it. You know what ? Your feelings are not what matters. You get a shrink and you just deal with it. Or you use a 5 year old’s true feelings to alienate the child for your own selfish gain by cutting contact and closing the adoption, like 89% of the rest of the vultures do. He hasn’t seen her but 5 times and they’re rarely together because you haven’t allowed it, because you’re jealous. From overnights to nothing, hmmm what do we think the outcome will be ?

One woman who works with young people wrote – Doing youth work, it’s been enlightening to see how the way the adoptive parents treat the whole subject and how the kid processes it all as they get to an age to understand this stuff with more detail. The ones who have been treated like belongings have had real internal struggles. There was quite a bit of kinship caring in the families we worked with and there’s been more than one “family visit” night where like 25 people have turned up. LOL I’m like, well the room isn’t that big so pick 3 people and I’ll go get the client. A lot of times when the kid was from a really remote location the whole family, like half the community, would come down and camp in the park across the road. Especially elders. I wish the people who had the attitudes like that woman could see that.

An adoptee notes – The adoptive parent expects a 5 year old to manage their feelings, with an adult-level understanding of how to do that, while denying any preferences of his own. Also in my opinion, describing it as hurting her feelings, after expressing disbelief that her son could love his biological mom more, is really her projecting her resentment about that onto the child. He’ll definitely learn not to express anything like that to her – eventually. That’s how it’s getting handled: by him.

An experienced foster/adoptive mom writes – it’s SO important that anyone getting getting involved, particularly in the foster care system, be free of the super common “looking to expand our family”. You can’t expect a child, let alone a traumatized child, to fulfill your emotional needs. That’s not what kids are for. If you’re truly interested in helping kids… Then you should be thrilled they have a great connection to their family. That’s to be celebrated. Like yay! You did a good job! Your kid has connections and is able to recognize those emotions and feels free to verbalize them! It’s just such a fundamental baked-in part of the problem that, when you pay for a child, you think you own it. You have expectations. It’s yours. It’s late stage capitalism in one of its worst forms. The inherent power structure and commodification of *children*.

Rejection And Grief

Today’s story (not my own) –

I was adopted at birth, and I was told at 18. I am now about to turn 28, and really only just beginning to grapple with the emotions that accompany this information. I attribute that to getting married 3 years ago and finally being in a stable enough environment to begin processing, which college was not.

And to be frank, it’s been absolutely fucking awful. I always have and always will love my adoptive family so very much, and that makes the depth of the lie even harder to comprehend. I feel like I am burdening my husband and my friends with just, my own confusion at this stage. I am caught in a cycle of trying to justify my existence with harder and harder work and it’s not working at all lol. I know nearly everyone feels aimless around this stage in life, but woof. I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like the universe didn’t want me here. And like my entire life has been a lie. Which… it kind of was.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you, and I’d like to pose a question. For others who learned about their adoption later in life than childhood, and then began processing even later than that, what helped? Is it like grieving where you just have to let it hurt? Am I doomed to being a mopey bitch forever or will time give me grace with these feelings?

Some responses – Being late discovery adoptee (LDA) has layers to it that other adopted people don’t have to navigate. The lies and losses involved specific to life before and after discovery have massive impacts that can sometimes only be understood by those of us who have lived it. While community with other adopted people is valuable and helpful, I recommend joining specific communities for LDAs and NPEs (Not Parent Expected).

One asks – Are you in reunion at all? It can bring its own challenges but overall I feel like the truth is the only thing that can TRULY fully help us process, even if it hurts more at first. Lean into THE truth and gather as much information as feels right, so that YOU can put it together to come to terms with YOUR truth. For me, that’s the most empowering way to process the trauma.

One adoptee noted – The work you’re doing right now is some of the hardest work some of us ever have to do. Realize and accept that the people who purport/ed to love us, lied to us, or gave us away/sold us. While I can grasp all of it intellectually, I will always struggle with being invisible to them.

Another writes about the impact of the Dobbs decision – Not late discovery, but I didn’t start processing until 2 years ago when I was 40 years old. The Dobbs decision and supply of domestic infants was what triggered it. I didn’t allow myself to feel anything or care before that because while I knew as a child, it was supposed to be a secret from everyone else. There is grief. It does hurt. I don’t have any answers for the pain. I’m still feeling all the feelings two years later. Made contact in December 23 and reunion adds more feelings. It does help that my older half sister wants a relationship and we are working on building on.

From a late discovery adoptee – My experience was quite similar to yours. I discovered that I was adopted when I was 31. Now I’m 57. I think you asked a great question – asking if it’s like grieving. For me, that’s exactly what it was, and it took me a long time to forgive them. They were good parents in a lots of ways. I know they loved me very much (at least my mom) so it was hard to reconcile the fact that people who loved me and who I loved would lie to me about something as fundamental as who I was and where I came from. Like it’s hard to even comprehend. The grief, the loss. What could have been if I’d known and they got me the help I needed. Anyway, a few years after I found out, I decided to try to forgive them. I wanted my kids to have grandparents. And I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing them. Of being an orphan once again. I still go back and forth over it. Most days I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m at peace with it. But sometimes it still pisses me off. I still grieve for what could have been. It takes time. As others have said, being in a group specific to LDAs is a good idea. I think that while we have very much in common with adoptees who have always known, there’s a whole other dimension that only LDAs can understand.

Of course, this can and did go on and on but I think this is enough for today’s blog. If you are on Facebook and are a late discovery adoptee – this is the group mentioned more than once to search on for additional support – LINK>Forum for Late Discovery Adoptees. It is private and I don’t qualify.

Bribing DNA Test Sites ?

I do have my doubts about the bribing but it is a real concern for the adoptee in today’s story.

I have semi-recently remembered that I am adopted, something that my parents hid from me and still do not admit. So are my siblings, but all of us are not related to our parents and each other. Certainly, not as closely as immediate family. We started to guess that we were adopted when we were children. Our allergies were very different. And for me again in 7th grade, when we did a genetics unit. My siblings and I don’t talk about it now as adults. When I was in college, I hired a private investigator and he unearthed so much that everyone was lying about, including this. I’m really wanting to do so again, but can’t afford it. A DNA test isn’t a given, because my parents have money (I don’t) and they can bribe the testing site to give fake results, it’s happened before. I did get real results when I was an adolescent, but I can’t remember what they were except for a few parts. I don’t know what happened to the test result papers. I had wanted to keep them forever.

One suggestion – Once you do an Ancestry or 23 and Me test, I suggest joining DNA Detectives and ask for a search angel. Search angels are volunteers who help you find your biological family for free, if you are interested in that.

Someone else pointed out – Ancestry, 23andMe etc have very strict rules and I very much doubt that they could be bribed to give you false results. You wouldn’t even have to get your parents to test. With a bit of detective work and some close enough matches, you can prove if you are related to your parents or not.

Yet another person notes – you’d probably be disturbed to learn the extents small local places are willing to go to protect recipient parents. I wouldn’t be surprised if a local facility was supportive and even somehow involved with misinforming the adoptee. Something can be illegal, yet people/businesses can still (and often do) break the law. “Illegal” doesn’t mean “impossible” or even “unlikely”.

More than one expressed this thought – now is NOT the time to tell original poster to seek mental health help. Dissociation is a trip. It’s not surprising someone would suppress or dissociate away from the information that they’re adopted. Imagine finding something like that out after being lied to. People are going to process something like that at their own speed and seek help when they feel ready.

One adoptee added – don’t we all need some professional mental healthcare for our adoptions and lifetimes of traumas!? The lucky few have access to those resources.

And something like this DOES happen and so someone shares this story about a person that didn’t find out he was adopted until he was 40. His sister said that they tried to tell him when he was 6 years old and he got really upset – so they decided to just not bring it up again. He was very different looking to his parents. He finally got tested. It took him a bit to be ok with it all but now he is.

It Is NOT The Easy Answer

I don’t know who Megan Devine is but her words seemed perfect for a Huffington Post personal essay I read today by Joanna Good – LINK>At 17, I Gave My Baby Up.

She was scrolling through her social media and came upon a mother asking for advice. She had just found out she was pregnant, and because she and her husband already had several children, he didn’t want any more. Though he was sure of his decision, she wasn’t, and wanted help figuring out what to do. She writes – “I was feeling so many emotions at once that I wasn’t sure I could even identify them all, but I definitely felt frustration, anger, and yearning swirling through my body.”

She goes on to note – “People who have never been touched by adoption always seem to think of it as easy, but as a mother who placed her child for adoption, struggled through the chaotic emotional aftermath of the separation, and then reconnected with my child later on, I know the truth. Even though it was the right choice for me at the time, adoption is anything but easy.”

She admits – “I had never stopped thinking about Hanna (blogger’s note – the adopted name of the baby girl she gave up to adoption) — never. But the adoption had forced me to grow up quickly, and I did. I had come out stronger. Sturdier. Wiser. I continued to feel so many emotions, but now I was able to handle most of them. The guilt was a different story.”

No one really talks about what follows you through life after adoption. There is no such thing as a clean break. She realized that “I knew my little girl might never know me, yet I saw her face everywhere — in the photographs her adoptive parents continued to send me, but also in other children’s faces at the grocery store, at library story time . . . I often wondered if Hanna ever thought she saw my face in a crowd.”

She saw her daughter again when the little girl turned 6. Joanna shares – that her daughter poked her in the stomach and said, “Mommy said God put me in your belly because she couldn’t have me in hers.” Then, when Hanna was 13, she got a message from Hanna that hit her like a train going full speed. They had begun chatting almost daily via Facebook messenger — something she always looked forward to — but she never expected to see these two words pop up on her screen – “I’m trans.” (A person whose gender identity does not correspond with the sex registered for them at birth.)

Typical of an Evangelical Christian response – “Hanna’s adoptive parents offered no support and referred to his brave coming out as ‘a phase’. They refused to use any other name but the one they bestowed upon him and would not allow him to seek counseling or see a doctor for potential hormone blockers. Instead they looked to religion and prayed this phase would end.”

Joanna shares that she – “decided to become the solution. I would be there for my birth son no matter what and I promised to be the parent I couldn’t be at 17. . . . I was there every step of the way as Hanna slowly transitioned to Aarron.”

She concludes her essay – “Adoption. It might seem easy — the perfect solution for an unexpected child and an unprepared mom. But too often we don’t talk about the messiness. The trauma. The endless questioning. Or that there really is no such thing as a truly severed connection.”

What response could she possibly offer this pregnant woman in need of support when there is no one true answer? “Then I realized the one thing I most needed to hear when I was in her place all of those years ago. I typed, Hey, I understand. I’m here if you need to talk, and hit post.”