Normal Late Teen Behavior

The girl in the image is NOT the one being referred to by this foster mother but I believe the uncertainty is not unusual in this age group, even though the girl’s reasons are valid. Today’s story –

I am the foster parent to a 17 yr old, who is about to turn 18 in a few months. She wants to change her last name, to make it harder for anyone from her past life to locate her. She had been adopted as a baby and the adoptive parents, who she got along with, are dead.

She wants nothing to do with her biological family ever again. They also want nothing to do with her. But, one older sibling she does not like, who was abusive towards her, might try to find her.

She wants to be adopted again. But, I do not plan to adopt her after she ages out of foster care because she would lose too many benefits that would help her in going to the private college of her choice. She plans to get scholarships for that based on need.

I will remain a support; and of course let her stay for the rest of high school, and during breaks from college, once she moves to the dorm. I will help her financially, as needed.

She says she wants to be adopted, once she’s in grad school, which she plans to go on to after college. I am not sure it’s a good idea but once we get to that time, it’s possible I would – if she still wanted that, as she’d be 23 years old.

Should I encourage her to choose a made up name that’s different from mine? I don’t care if she takes my last name but I don’t know if that would be better or worse for her than a made up one. She’s on the spectrum as well, although recently diagnosed and does not present that way, so most people don’t realize it. She does ask my advice a lot but I don’t know what the answer to changing her name is. She does not want the birth name she had before she was adopted. She’s already changed her first name, though not yet legally, as she hates her entire name. She is already in therapy.

Some thoughtful replies –

One woman who was adopted from India and raised in the US – it sounds like she has good reason to change her last name, and honestly I don’t see a major issue, minus financially it can be pricy. She added – it’s state by state with costs, I know for my sister it was $300 in Missouri, when we looked at it. She prefers her nickname to her legal name and my parents didn’t care, but she didn’t want to pay the cost. Several added examples – in California, there is a fee waiver form and it sounds like she might qualify for something similar. From another – in Washington state I paid ~$260 for the name change, I think ~$15 each for extra copies (which came in handy) and ~$50 for a new license. Also this one – I’m in Pennsylvania and my name change cost about $500.

There was someone who shared – Changed my name many times to get away from abusive family/and because I’m trans. If she wants not to be found, it depends on if the people looking for her know your last name. If they do, probably best to go with a different name. Still, help her find something that holds meaning to her. I’m in Virginia and it was an easy $41 ordeal.

Another shared – My husband and I both changed our last name to something unrelated to either of our families. It cost $600, had to be posted in the newspaper for 2 weeks, followed by a hearing where we just confirmed we were doing it because we wanted to. When she is 18, just allow her to do as she wishes.

From an adoptive parent – do you know her reasoning for wanting to be adopted ? It sounds to me that she may just want to belong, feel accepted, have a stable family, etc but it may be a good idea to ask and better understand her thoughts and desires around adoption.

One adoptive parent asked – Are you sure she’ll lose her benefits, if you finalize adoption ? We adopted our now 18 year old, when she was 17 but she gets all her benefits until she’s 21 (which includes scholarships and her tuition). Is there any way you can check with her social worker ? As far as her name goes, it’s her decision. When our adoption was finalized, our daughter initially kept her last name but she recently asked to change it to ours. She now has her mom’s last name as a second middle name.

Another shares her perspectives – based on what you’ve said here – I’d encourage her to wait. If she’s in danger – actual danger- that’s different. I agree with you about not adopting her; families look all sorts of ways and she can choose her own, right? Because she’s so uncertain about what she wants to call herself and why, it just seems prudent to wait until she’s an adult. She can have nicknames and that sort of thing, but changing your name is a whole big thing and complicated. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I really like that you’re asking for other perspectives and listening to her. Just give her time and space to figure things out – especially because she’s on the spectrum. Keep helping her and supporting her like you’re doing.

How To Identify

Today’s thoughtful question from someone thinking about becoming a foster parent – How would you have wanted your Foster Parents to introduce you?

Example: If someone at a park/social situation asks me questions like “oh are these your kids?” Or “How many kids do you have?” What is the best way to respond? Do I say yes these are my kids? Do I say that two are and one is my foster child? How do I even handle that situation appropriately? I can’t imagine that outting a child all the time as a “foster child” is a good idea… I don’t want them to feel othered… but I also do not want to pretend like I’m their mother because I am not… idk it’s tricky and idk how to handle it in the safest and most considerate way.

The concern – once my Foster Child is old enough to be asked how they want me to refer to them, I will ask them but I likely will be fostering young kids/babies or kids that have unique medical needs … some who may be too young/unable to be asked this question.

Some responses – In California, it is illegal to tell people your foster child is a foster child. (Another noted – It is also illegal in Washington state to tell people they are foster children. It is suggested that if you are thinking about becoming a foster parent you should check the laws in your region.) In my opinion, you shouldn’t be giving out personal info about kids to people at the park. Absolutely allow older children to identify themselves however they are comfortable but with babies and young children just say they are your kids. I always do, whether they are mine, relatives, friends, neighbors or foster. Are they all your kids? Yes. Do I care if some random person wonders why I have 3 two-year-olds? No. If people question me further, I either start asking them a bunch of personal questions or simply say that life is full of mystery.

Another suggested – “yes, they are with me” as a helpful phrase.

Another said what this blogger thinks – People are way too nosy and not entitled to answers to these questions. She used this example – my daughter and stepdaughter are the same age and when they were little, people would ask if they were twins and I would just say “nope.” And then they would look at me funny and I just left them wondering. (blogger’s note – in fact, my 13 mo younger sister and I were the same size until she got much bigger. We were often dressed alike and so we were often mistaken for twins.) Someone else offered her a humorous reply – all I can picture is you getting irritated after being asked this one too many times in a day and saying “no, I found this one at the playground and she’s followed us ever since.”

Assimilation Is The Intention

For many indigenous women, political action regarding children was not about campaigns for
subsidized day cares or cultural arguments about gender, work, and parenting. Child welfare was a literal fight to keep Native children in their homes and in their nations.

During the 1970s, Native American women activists understood the crisis of child adoption
(which had grown rampant in the postwar era) as more than a personal issue affecting individual
families. The removal of Native children from their homes and communities compromised not only parental rights but also tribal sovereignty. Technically, indigenous nations had a legal advantage in the battle for control over Indian child welfare because the right to oversee issues related to children living on reservations existed as an implicit aspect of sovereignty. In practice, however, state courts and welfare agencies largely misunderstood or ignored tribal authority and the interests of indigenous communities and removed Native children from their homes at arresting rates—an average of one quarter of Native American children lived away from their parents during the early 1970s

In response, Native women activists created a child welfare political agenda that not only kept
children in their communities but also addressed the problems that sometimes led to foster and adoptive placements. Although they acknowledged that there were legitimate issues, such as alcoholism, that required some parents to surrender their children, activists did not interpret the current crisis as the result of inadequate parenting. Nor did they place blame exclusively on culturally insensitive child welfare systems. Rather, activists condemned poverty and the vestiges of colonialism for the problems that precipitated child removals. One activist asserted that ‘‘the process of colonization has brought more destruction to these family ties than any internal changes … could have ever created.’’ According to this woman and others, while colonization created the problems indigenous families faced—solutions to them rested with Native nations. Both the programs’ indigenous women activists established and their petitions to the federal government to uphold the right of the tribes to control child welfare focused on increasing tribal agency in addressing the fundamental difficulties that Native families confronted. These activists gained strength from their citizenship in Native nations and framed their work against child removals in the context of tribal sovereignty.

The history of non-Native people intervening in the lives of indigenous families is a long one; arguably as old as the history of colonization itself. The Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA) of 1978 is Federal law that governs the removal and out-of-home placement of American Indian children. … ICWA established standards for the placement of Indian children in foster and adoptive homes and enabled Tribes and families to be involved in child welfare cases.

“They closed the boarding schools and opened up CPS (Child Protective Services), but it’s the same thing – they’re still coming in and taking our children,” Cetan Sa Winyan said. The Cherokee Nation of Oklahoma, the Oneida Nation of Wisconsin, the Morongo Band of Mission Indians of California and the Quinault Indian Nation of Washington are petitioning the Supreme Court to request that the Indian Child Welfare Act remain intact.

The state of Texas is challenging the constitutionality of ICWA, claiming it’s a race-based system that makes it more difficult for Native kids to be adopted or fostered into non-Native homes. Another argument is that the law commandeers states too much, giving federal law imbalanced influence in state affairs.

A Supreme Court response to the tribes’ petition and the petition filed by the plaintiffs is due on October 8th.

Tribes and advocates argue that ICWA is culturally- and politically-based, not race-based, because tribal nations have political status as sovereign governments under federal law. Cherokee Nation Deputy Attorney General Chrissi Nimmo said the tribe will put all the resources it has into making sure ICWA is protected. “ICWA attempts to keep children connected to their tribe … and an attack on that is absolutely an attack on tribal sovereignty,” Nimmo said.

In the case of Brackeen v. Haaland, the Brackeens — the white, adoptive parents of a Diné child in Texas — seek to overturn ICWA by claiming reverse racism. Joined by co-defendants including the states of Texas, Ohio, Louisiana, and Indiana, they’re being represented pro bono by Gibson Dunn, a high-powered law firm which also counts oil companies Energy Transfer and Enbridge, responsible for the Dakota Access and Line 3 pipelines, among its clients.

You can sign a petition here – https://action.lakotalaw.org/action/protect-icwa.