Tag: Your Tango

What Would Help ?

A question was asked – what would have helped you to parent? I’ve seen statistics that a very small financial amount was the barrier that kept most women who chose adoption from parenting. As I look around my community at single mothers, though, it seems that their struggle is more a concern of being able to coordinate a combination of a job, a budget and childcare.

Some responses –

Money. Assuming the same lack of family support that caused the coerced adoption, having my own financial security would have meant them never even having a chance to suggest. much less force it. Asked to elaborate, she added – they could have been financially supportive or even emotionally supportive but both families (the father’s and mine) chose not to; my parents basically abdicated. That had always been the case. His family, though well off enough to help a young family get established, instead chose to coerce me into adoption to protect their precious baby boy’s future.

blogger’s note – it is true that it is often the parents, even adoptee parents like my own who coerced my sister into giving up her baby. Truly, in their heart of hearts, they believe this is best – not for the baby – but for their own children. They don’t know that baby yet.

Another one shared – For me, it was lack of “support system” and with that, childcare. 1) I can’t afford childcare since I only work part time and 2) my hours are “outside” the “daycare hours”, so finding daycare, even if I was given the “financial stability” (aka, “paid”) to do so, I still would have the barrier to actually find a daycare that would offer services after 3/4/5 pm when I could drop them off until 8/9/10 pm when I could come pick them up. I live in a fairly small town (pop. 10,000 ish). Everything is limited here. Most of the stores/shops even close around 5/6 pm, but I’m one of many that work at one of 2 places that either close at 12 am (major chain grocery store) or never close (tribal casino).

The one who first asked the question wanted to know – so if you had had a “grandparent” that would care for your child just for the sake of spending time with them, or a babysitting co-op where you watch someone’s child 5 days a week, while she works her 7-2 shift, in exchange for her watching your child 5 days a week while you work your 3-10, that would have made an actual difference, in whether or not you felt equipped to parent ? (No response yet, at the time of writing this blog.)

In first researching for this blog at sources not limited to adoption issues, I read two that discuss the challenges or myths about single moms. Without a doubt, an unwed mother considering parenting her unborn child, will have encountered similar arguments about trying to give it a go.

[1] LINK>Your Tango – a single mom shared that she was battling a litany of problems that will likely sound very familiar to most single moms out there, from a punishing schedule to a lack of space for self-care and sleep deprivation. At just 26, she was struggling. “I work full time, clean, cook, grocery shop, take care of the kids, etc. all on my own,” she wrote. “I have no time for myself and what little time I do I have I try to spend it with the kids.”

[2] LINK>Slate – 4 long-standing myths about single mothers. The article elaborates on each but here are the 4 – Myth 1: You can’t generalize about single mothers Myth 2: Single mothers get pregnant by men with whom they have casual sex Myth 3: Single mothers get pregnant because they were ignorant about, couldn’t afford, or didn’t have access to birth control. Myth 4: If unmarried couples would just get married, they would be a lot better off.

When The Name Is Changed

The image above comes from an essay at YourTango LINK>Woman Confronts Adoptive Mother. Thirty-six years after being adopted, the woman discovered that her birth mom had made a request to not change the name she was given at birth. The adoptive mother explained that in their religion, they name children after the people in their family they care about. The adoptive mother further stated that if her birth mom did not want her daughter’s name to be changed, she should not have placed her child up for adoption. 

An adoptee asked those who are mothers of loss (surrendered a child to adoption) in my all things adoption group – If you know about your children and what became of them, do you think of that child by the name you gave them, or the name the adoptive parents gave them ?

One of those mothers of loss shared her experiences – I am my son’s natural mother but we always had an open adoption relationship and his adoptive parents got together with me before he was born to plan his names (ie they wanted me to choose what I would name him and they were going to keep one of those names as a middle name with the name they had already planned).

I have always called him by the name they chose (except while he and I were in the hospital together and I didn’t really use a name. We just cried together a lot).

My 23 yr old niece who was adopted into my family found her mom and brother in recent years after no contact throughout her life (my brother and sister-in-law closed the adoption very early) and at that first meeting, her mother and brother struggled to call her by her current name. They asked her preference and I think hoped she would prefer her original name.

Of course, none of this can tell you how your first mother thinks but based on my and my niece’s experiences I might guess that moms who have been able to stay in regular contact probably adjust to the new name easier than moms who lose their baby and don’t see them again until adulthood. It makes sense to me that they might be more likely to think of their child by the name they originally chose.

An adoptive parent shared – I didn’t change her first name after adoption. She recently found her biological mom and extended family at age 15. They all still referred to her as that original birth name. It has made reunification and their current relationship so much better than if she had another name. I have no doubt they think and talk about you as your natural birth name. I also advocate now that no one change a kid’s name.

One adoptee shared – my mom called my brother Luke. The adoptive parents changed it to Luis (he was over a year old when they adopted him). I don’t agree with them regarding their changing it. My mom still calls him Luke – her own long time habit of thinking of him as that name.