Why Me And Not Her ?

Hi my dearest sister. How are you? What’s new? How is everything? I miss you a lot.

A mother of loss asks for advice – It’s a closed adoption and the rules are strict about writing letters through the team I’m with to the adoptive parent. My daughter that was adopted is now 12 years old and my raised/kept daughter is 6. She’s seen all my stuff on her adoptive sister and has read the letters. She wants to join me in writing my next one.

There are things we can and can’t put in them but with that understanding, what ideas could I give her about writing to her sister’s adoptive parents from her? This is new for me with her wanting to join in. I’ve been writing mine for 10 years now. I know what I can write but I feel stuck with helping her write one. If this was you, what would you put in a letter like that. Even things I know I can’t write, may still us some ideas.

One adoptee writes – If I could have received letter from my birthmother’s kept children, I would have wanted to know more about them. Maybe what a typical day was like for her. Her interests and hobbies. Whether or not she had pets. I can assure you, at 12, I had questions I’m sure can’t be discussed like – why me and not her ?

Another adoptee seconds that – I would’ve wanted to know all about my sister. What’s her name, what color of hair does she have, does she like the same things as me ? I would want to know everything. Does she get these letters as a child or when she turns 18 ? This is really awesome, I wish I had letters or a natural mom who cared about me. In answer, the mom says – they get saved by the adoptive parents, if she’s not having them read to her. If it’s not suitable to read yet, I am still allowed to give it to the adoptive parent; then my daughter has to wait until she’s 18. It depends, really. It’s only letters back and forth. I’ve been doing these for 10 years and I’m thankful, though there’s a lot about that I hate too, especially the rules about writing them and what we’re allowed/can do and say. Otherwise, I appreciate being able to write and receiving the letters back as well.

A kept sibling responds – I was about 10, when my brother found our mom. He was in his early 30s. We wanted to know absolutely everything about each other. I’m 36, we both still have the letters we wrote back and forth in the mid-90s. My 10 year old self wanted to know favorite color, food, bday, siblings, all those trivial things. I couldn’t wrap my mind around him being my brother. Then I spent time in and out of foster care, and we lost contact for years. We got back in touch when I was mid-20s.

An adoptive parent responds – I know a little about what you are/aren’t allowed to say, usually it would be identifying information but I’m not sure if that’s just about minor children or if it’s about adults as well. For your daughter, I imagine she will have ideas of what she wants to write to her sister but do check that your adopted daughter knows she has a sister. My adopted children, who are biological siblings, ask about their other siblings, how old are they, what do they look like, what are their names (and they keep asking this, even though they know the answers, I think just for reassurance or to check that their memories are correct). These are the kinds of questions kids ask each other – do they have pets, where do they live, do they like the “XYZ” TV program, what kinds of food, what games do they play ?