No Contact

It is not uncommon now to see adoptees who have gone “no contact” – either with adoptive families or with their original genetic families. I will admit that I had to go no contact with my youngest sister, so I get why sometimes this is the best decision.

For example, this adoptee –

I’m no contact with all of my adopted family and most of my biological family. They’ve hurt me repeatedly by gaslighting, emotional manipulation and abuse, silence, lies (not to mention the outright physical abuse I experienced in childhood)….. and I’m done. Even my biological brother, whom I thought I’d always be close to, has joined in.

When I say I’m cutting toxicity out of my life, I MEAN IT. Friends, family, coworkers, jobs, personal behaviors and mentality – Wherever toxicity might be found, I won’t be. I’ve spent too much of my life trying to please others and fit in because then MAYBE they won’t leave me.

I no longer care.

I’m tired of going out of my way for “family” just to have them talk about me behind my back. I’ve dropped everything to help people who wouldn’t even lend me a smile.

No. More.

Goodbye and good riddance to them all. Best of luck on their future endeavors, but count me out. And though I know it’s the right choice, I’m really needing some emotional support and validation.

And the emotional support comes . . . from an adoptive parent. Removing toxic people from your life may be hard but so worthwhile. Rebuild your relationships with a family of choice. Good friends, partners, can go a long way in supporting you. Congratulations on the beginning of a life away from guilt and toxicity.

And this from another adoptee – Hugs! I went no contact with my adoptive parents years ago, no regrets. I had one brief unavoidable blip, which reinforced what a good choice I made. My younger sister, who was only 1 when she was adopted/went into foster care (I was 10 at the time) has minimal engagement with them. They will ask about me but she puts up the boundary. She’s not comfortable giving them updates about my life, since I have no relationship with them.

Irony is – she used to gatekeep me from my sisters, after I was forced from their home at 17 (just one of many previous times) and my biological family before that, so I find it validating that my families don’t get what they want now (at one time, my adoptive mother liked to brag about how I’m doing well because of their sacrifice and the hard decisions they made to help me help myself). When she told me about the reason why my adoptive mother thinks she was cut off (ie not invited to another family event with their biological son) I laughed because it just goes to show how clueless she really is and how little she actually DID listen to me, before I cut her off.

I have little to no contact with my biological family, least of all with their own monkeys and circus. The contact I do have is mostly initiated on my part (zero effort on the sibling’s part to connect with me, minimum from my mother and other relatives) and I’ve gone full no contact at times with my dad, depending on where he’s at in his addiction cycle.

I have no regrets. Only a slight regret for not putting up boundaries earlier because I felt I had to have some contact with some family because you know, I have no family otherwise (my in-laws are not super fans of me either, they are judgmental and don’t understand CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) or why my husband is with someone as ‘broken’ as I am (they see us minimally – maybe a handful of times per year now.) I now no longer give a f**** about what I do or do not say, that may or may not upset them. It used to tear me up and I’d think OMG was I too loud ?, too this or too that, and feel like a big POS and not worthy of their love, until I realized their lack of acceptance had to do with THEIR stuff and NOT mine. Mine was just easier to focus on because I was so transparent about everything, which is not how they roll.

You Should Be Grateful

From her own website LINK>The Adopted Life – “Your parents are so amazing for adopting you. You should be grateful!”

Angela Tucker is a Black woman, adopted from foster care by white parents. She has heard this microaggression her entire life, usually from well-intentioned strangers who view her adoptive parents as noble saviors. She is grateful for many aspects of her life, but being transracially adopted involves layers of rejection, loss and complexity that cannot be summed up so easily. Tucker centers the experiences of adoptees through sharing deeply personal stories, well-researched history and engrossing anecdotes from mentorship sessions with adopted youth. These perspectives challenge the fairy-tale narrative of adoption giving way to a fuller story that includes the impacts of racism, classism, family, love and belonging.

The search for her biological family was documented in the 2013 film “Closure.”

From the LINK>Seattle Times – Her new book from Beacon Press, “You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption,” explores Tucker’s life experience, her work with transracial adopted youth and the history of adoption in America. It’s both a powerful manifesto and a hopeful text that calls for reshaping how we talk and think about adoption.

The book uses terms from John Koenig’s “The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows.” Angela uses terms like “ghost kingdom” and “postnatal culture shock.” Angela says, “in the same way John Koenig feels there aren’t enough words to adequately describe all of our emotions, I feel that way about transracial adoption. We’re kind of boxed into things like, for kids, you’re an Oreo: Black on the outside, white on the inside. That morphs in adulthood, and what I hear adoptees I mentor talk about is [being a] racial imposter. I think it’s important we find new words that can articulate the complexity of our layers and also honor the truth of it.”

“It’s a beautiful thing to grow up having parents who understand at the root that an adoption is a sad thing, that we wish an adoption didn’t have to happen. I had parents who acknowledged that pain for all of us. I know so many adoptees for whom that part is not allowed any space. Even for those adopted for reasons that are legitimate, there’s still a loss. And bypassing that and going straight to, ‘You’re here now, look at this great life,’ many adoptees now can articulate it feeling like gaslighting. ‘Maybe I am crazy to wish for and to long for being connected to my kin. I have my own room, I have three square meals a day, I get to do all these extracurriculars. I must be crazy for not being more thankful for it.’ That gaslighting is, in this sense, synonymous with confusion.”

More in the Seattle Times interview linked above.

Doing Great Harm Unintentionally

A question was asked in my all things adoption group – why when foster and adoptive parents are asked a question and answer it honestly, are they bashed or told they are doing wrong ?

One, a former licensed state foster caregiver who placed her home on hold until she could learn or prepare how to best serve kids and families in crisis, answered – MAYBE because of a rational perceived injustice, based on or due to a reasonable fear. Being complicit in systemic inequities and the oppression of marginalized people. For exercising an INTENTIONAL choice to volunteer one’s privilege to care for families in crisis. Doing so generously with genuine reciprocity and care, being greater than the conditions of extraction and exploitation, is rare. Such preparation includes learning from survivors and the victims who have been the most impacted. A tolerance of ignorance is tremendously difficult for one who knows the realities. The “unintended” harm is inexcusable. Implementing a GROWTH MINDSET is taught in training for FOSTER CAREGIVING – PARTNERSHIP PARENTING. It is a critical cornerstone of any hope of doing good. Hostility is expressed by survivors after having experienced injustice. It is VALID and to be EXPECTED by their OPPRESSORS or those PERCEIVED as representatives of that OPPRESSION. Harm, neglect, emotional neglect through gaslighting and abusive tactics are all too common. It is difficult to not to REACT, impossible to respond RATIONALLY, when faced with distressing questions, apparent or perceived willful ignorance, or simply in the appearance of continuing to promote that INJUSTICE.

The argument always comes up – so you believe a child should be with their parents no matter what the situation is?

One reasonable reply to that was this – there is a lot of room between being with their parents and being adopted. There are some parents who are not safe for their children but that doesn’t have to automatically mean adoption either.

And this response – do you want us to all tell you that your adoption will be the exception to the rule? That you’ve obviously found the ethical way to do things? That your desired child is definitely going to be one of the ones who should have lost their entire family, identity, medical history? That you won’t have to worry about inherent trauma because you’ll pray hard enough and love them hard enough and that’s all you need to do? Sorry, that’s not how this works.

Then this long but rational response – I understand where you are coming from because I was there a couple years ago. This is why we need to read, listen and learn. As adoptive parents, we need to listen to the former foster care youths and adoptees. so we can do better.

We may need to seek out the support of a therapist to process our own hurts…there are therapists out there who are themselves former foster care youths and adoptees. They are more than able to support or coach you through this. Adoptive parents need to heal their own wounds, to make the space needed to acknowledge their own responsibility and the harm they have done by adopting.

We also need to bear the responsibility of supporting the adoptees in our care. That is acknowledging our own place in the trauma first. Then seeking supports to help these children process their own trauma. Finding a qualified therapist (adoption trauma informed) for the adoptee would be the ideal.

We need to be in relationship with the biological families, no matter our prejudice. These children need to be safe, yes, but also in relationship as much as possible. We need to take responsibility to build those bridges – no matter how frustrating it can be – for the benefit of the children. If we can return the children to their family, we need to attempt to do that. If the family needs support, we need to be willing to support them. We need to do everything we can to support reunion no matter the age of the child. Of course, we need to maintain their safety but that doesn’t mean a child needs to be taken away from their biological family. There are many options that don’t include adoption.

I have faced these questions in my own circumstance and recognize that in my situation there were other options I was ignorant of…I regret adopting. I was already the legal guardian but I was not informed by adoptee voices. I was listening to adoption lawyers and adoption agencies – who are only in it for the money. I made a huge mistake not being adoption informed. A mistake that if the affected parties (such as the biological family or adoptee) wanted changed, I would.

We need to acknowledge that we will fail miserably in everything we do because we care for a child who is not our own and is traumatized. If that is the reality, we have to be ok with that. We need to be ok with fighting for trauma informed support – both in the home, at school and in the greater community.

We need to stop blaming the children or the biological families for the children’s mental health issues.

If there weren’t people willing to foster or adopt, the system would operate differently. We need to see this and then, become advocates for the adoptees we care for but also against the foster and adoption systems already in place.

The old narrative of fostering and adoption needs to be torn down and it is our responsibility as adopters to lead this fight…the former foster care youths and adoptees have fought hard enough already.

I love our adoptee but love isn’t enough. I need to do more and I learn about what I need to do by listening to the voices of former foster care youths and adoptees as well as their biological families.

Satanic Panic

Melvin Quinney

I heard the story about this man (who could be any white person’s kindly grandfather) on NPR last night. He is a San Antonio man wrongfully convicted in 1991 during the so-called Satanic Panic hysteria. In court last Monday, Melvin Quinney had his charge dismissed by 227th District Court Judge Christina Del Prado. The state exonerated Melvin Quinney of his conviction of indecency with a child back in February but Monday’s hearing made the exoneration official. “It’s like the beginning of the end of a very long nightmare,” Quinney said.

I wish I could say these kinds of “miscarriage of justice in the name of religion” cases were only in the past but unfortunately, even today, I know evangelicals who still believe these kinds of things. Satan and evil in this world especially related to child trafficking (QAnon certainly is on that page). It’s not that I don’t think that such things happen and I do feel that anytime a child is sexually abused – it is a travesty. But under religious fervor, these heartfelt feelings, can do a lot of harm. A friend said to me once, “It has everything to do with pagan rituals and actual Satanic influence in many places. It’s because of my love for children that I will fight with all I have to rid this world of those things. If I had not studied Biblical Prophecy and Pagan rituals I probably wouldn’t understand what I am seeing now.” Sigh. I understand it is heartfelt for her.

Today, I found this blog – Friendly Atheist by Hemant Mehta LINK>A victim of the “Satanic Panic,” Melvin Quinney has finally been exonerated. The “Satanic Panic” was a conspiracy theory that really took hold among a certain kind of Christian in the 1980s. Perfectly innocent people were accused of ritualistic child abuse, bad behavior was blamed on the devil, and the modern-day witch hunt ruined countless lives. No evidence ever proved this organized abuse was occurring—certainly not the way accusers insisted it was—but as with so many conspiracy theories, its power had nothing to do with the facts.

Melvin got trapped by this when he and his wife were going through a divorce in 1990. It was she that accused the 43-year-old Quinney of leading a Satanic cult that murdered people. His kids were soon taken into custody by Child Protective Services. John, his 10-year-old son, accused Quinney of sexual abuse. After weeks of coercion from therapists, their mother and other adults, Sarah and John developed “memories” of abuse and occult rituals. John came to believe that their father was the leader of a satanic cult that had committed murder and sexually abused him and his sister Sarah as part of satanic rituals. Melvin was arrested in 1990 and charged with indecency with a child. John testified at trial about his “memories” of his father’s abuse of himself and Sarah.

Melvin was released from prison in 1999, an early release for good behavior. However, even then, he was forced to register as a sex offender. This deprived him opportunities to get his life back on track. It wasn’t until 2012, that he finally attempted to get back in touch with his kids (who had grown up believing their father abused them). His children had grown up in foster care. Finally, in 2020, his children testified that there was no evidence that their father ever did those things he was accused of. His son told the court he realized much later, that those stories were entirely fictional. They had been fed to him by his mother, her evangelical friends, and other adults working against his father as a way to override the “good memories” he had of him.

His ex-wife was unable to care for the children not long after he was imprisoned and so, they were pushed into the state’s foster care system. His wife mother passed away in 1999. Her son says that she was clearly mentally ill. He says, “Instead of getting help with the real mental problems she was experiencing, she was persuaded and kept mentally ill with pseudoscience and superstition.” For years, the children thought they would be targeted by satanic cult members. He has since forgiven her.

The blog ends on this thought – the Satanic Panic has always been that no matter how many bad faith actors use Satan as a metaphor for what they hate, there are many pastors who spend every week convincing their congregations that Satan is real and needs to be eradicated from their lives. They’ll never admit they’re lying because they genuinely don’t believe they are. As long as that belief perpetuates in churches, it’s next to impossible to convince people that Satan and the abuse associated with Satan are entirely fictional. That means, much like sin itself, conservative Christians have invented their own problem out of thin air, while presenting themselves as the only solution.

Enforcement Inequality

Back when we were expecting my oldest son, I really wanted a homebirth. I had been knocked out for my daughter’s birth and I really wanted to experience my next birth fully. Sadly, it was not to be. I was eventually convinced that the risk of passing on the hepC virus was greater with vaginal birth, than with a cesarean. Though deeply disappointed, it mattered to me not to pass on the virus (which I only recently was cured of). During the pregnancy, I became a member of the Friends of Missouri Midwives because midwifery was illegal in Missouri and they were working hard to get midwives accredited in my state.

This is why a recent story about a Black couple caught my attention. You can read the latest in The Guardian at this LINK>‘Family policing system’: how the US criminalizes Black parenting. Temecia Jackson told the story of the moment when police officers and child protection services agents had “stolen” her baby from her Dallas home. Her story was about how her newborn baby was taken from her because she opted to follow a midwife’s recommendation over a physician’s. Dr Anand Bhatt was concerned the family had the wrong idea about the treatment he recommended. Therefore, Bhatt wrote in a letter to child protective services (CPS) indicating that he had trouble getting in touch with the family.

The story has sparked outrage across the country. The family policing system is a structurally racist apparatus that disproportionately separates Black and Indigenous children from their families, one that traces its origins to chattel slavery, according to Dorothy Roberts, a University of Pennsylvania law professor. She is also the author of Torn Apart: How the Child Welfare System Destroys Black Families – and How Abolition Can Build a Safer World.

Temecia chose to give birth at home with a licensed midwife. Her daughter Mila Jackson was born on March 21st. Mila had developed a severe case of jaundice. The family chose to pursue the treatment recommended by Dr Bhatt at home with their midwife. Mila remains in a foster home. The family’s next hearing has been delayed until April 20th.

I believe I have previously written about another case in this blog. That would be the one related to Bianca Clayborne and Deonte Williams’s five children. Tennessee authorities “kidnapped” their children in February after a highway police officer stopped the family as they drove to Chicago for a funeral and found a small amount of marijuana in their car. The couple has since regained custody of their children but the kids spent more than a month and a half traumatized in foster care.

Roberts believes that the inequality in enforcement actions is due to the racial stereotyping of Black families, who are seen as unfit to take care of their own children. Black families are disproportionately impoverished and therefore encounter a child welfare system that, Roberts added, was designed “to handle the problems and struggles of impoverished families and to handle them in a very punitive and a cruel way by accusation, investigations and separation – and in many cases, termination of parental rights.” Temecia Jackson and her family’s conflict with their doctor in Texas about their newborn’s medical treatment raised a similar question about whether the Black parents’ decision-making – to choose at-home care instead of hospital care – had been devalued, Roberts added.

I would note here also that my grandson had jaundice after birth and was successfully treated AT HOME using phototherapy. This is treatment with a special type of light (not sunlight) which is used to treat newborn jaundice. The light makes it easier for the baby’s liver to break down and remove the bilirubin from the baby’s blood. Phototherapy aims to expose the baby’s skin to as much light as possible.

Making Adoption Easier

It has been a long standing Conservative project to make adoptions easier – hence an article from 2015 in The Federalist titled LINK>We Need To Make Adoption Easier. All Sides notes that this publication LINK>displays media bias in ways that strongly align with conservative, traditional, or right-wing thought and/or policy agendas. A “Right” bias is the most conservative rating on the political spectrum. As to the photo above, Slate did a reveal that LINK>The Real Story Behind the “We Will Adopt Your Baby” Couple Is So Much Worse Than the Meme.

The effort continues as written about by an adoptee blogger, Tony Corsentino, that I follow in his latest LINK>In the Woods. Several states are actively aiming to “streamline” the process of relinquishing and adopting a child. One is Indiana who is poised to pass a bill to “streamline” abandonment and adoption of newborn infants, which would omit any oversight and regulatory safeguards to prevent anonymous trafficking of those infants, through the state’s so-called “newborn safety devices,” commonly known as “baby boxes.”

He links to an article posted just in the last week at the Adoptee Rights Law Center titled LINK>Indiana’s Secret Adoption Pipeline. He asserts that SB345 will facilitate corrupt off-the-books adoptions with direct baby box referrals from fire station to adoption agency to “pre-approved” adoptive parents to final adoption, all completed in the span of a single month and all without any state oversight. Tony also links to Marley Greiner’s site LINK>Stop Baby Boxes Now.

Indiana is not alone in these efforts – enter now Alabama and Tennessee seeking to “streamline adoption. They suggest that they are only “trying to get kids into a permanent home as fast as possible.” The principal change is to speed the timeline for termination of parental rights. Reading about foster care and the goal of reunification of children who have been removed from their parents informs me that rarely do such parents actually get the support and time they need to meet the requirements of the state.

Tony shares an excerpt from Ann Fessler’s – The Girls Who Went Away. She notes that losing her son to adoption had a profound effect on her. She goes further to say “a few years after I was married I became pregnant and had an abortion. It was not a wonderful experience, but every time I hear stories or articles or essays about the recurring trauma of abortion, I want to say, ‘You don’t have a clue.’ I’ve experienced both and I’d have an abortion any day of the week before I would ever have another adoption—or lose a kid in the woods, which is basically what it is. You know your child is out there somewhere, you just don’t know where.”

He goes on to say – Given adoption’s unpopularity and the resulting mismatch between the domestic demand for infants and the domestic supply, it is no surprise that proposed measures to “streamline” adoption by making it faster and easier to terminate parental rights amount to an even deeper undermining of vulnerable pregnant people’s agency. We do not ameliorate the injustice of banning abortion by “streamlining” relinquishment and adoption. We compound that injustice. Both for those who seek abortions, and for their offspring.

Tony ends his essay with this – For adopted people to make progress in defending our rights, we need first to be heard. It’s a big forest.

Kinship Obstacles

Painting by Jen Norton

Today’s Story –

I am dealing with the state of Florida and a foster home who has my two young sisters 12/14. I’m 30 and my husband is 33. I live in Illinois and have only had communication with the foster home guardians, case worker & Guardian Ad Litem for my sisters. I have been run through the mill of excuses since January as to why I cannot speak to my sisters, that they have been placed in a foster home, and despite me telling them immediately upon contact in January that I wanted to adopt them (after finding out Termination of Parental Rights had happened, adoption is the only option)… in the meantime, they let this foster family put in an adoption application.

So only a few weeks ago, they FINALLY let me and my husband put in an application, at the very least to pause their current applicant. And now they won’t answer my messages or update me on the ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) process at all. When we have spoken, they guilt trip me about ruining my sisters current adoption journey with this family, that they need me as a “sister and not a mom”, and a laundry list of other things.

I have been trying to find an attorney to help me but they either ghost me or cannot help me because my biological mom & their father lost parental rights, plus she passed away this year. It has to be an attorney in Florida. I do not intend on EVER having them refer to us as “mom & dad”, but I told them I am capable of being a parent to them, despite being their sister. Also, keeping their legal names is also in the cards, as well as retaining their current birth certificates. If I could take guardianship I would, but the only option presented to me is adoption.

I have spoken with my sister recently (she contacted me on Facebook through my other sister) and they do want to be with me. This potential adoptive family was “matched” to them only in late November. They didn’t move in with them until February. They can’t adopt them until they live with them for 6 months.

Someone recommended Mrs Debra Salisbury in Florida. “She is a bulldog with a bone. Won’t turn loose. Very much someone you want on your side.” Another said, “She is the best lawyer money can buy. She is the ONLY ONE you will want beside you to fight if you find yourself needing a family law attorney. I wouldn’t have won my case if it wasn’t for her and her amazing team. Her knowledge and determination for her clients success shows. I have my family back together thanks to her and I am grateful for all her hard work!” Other recommendations were Rachel Medlin, Jeanne Tate, Juliana Gaita Monjaraz, all in Florida. And there were others with similar information passing it on via private messages. Always reach out if you have a sticky situation problem.

I hope this recommendation helps her or that another one equally good comes along. Always kinship, an immediate family member is the best for such children.

The Teacher Is Not Your Ally

Today’s story of incredible persistence and resilience in the face of overwhelming challenges –

I was rescued from deadly abuse and trafficking as a child. I was fostered, adopted out, but soon after my parents both died. I got pregnant during my downspiral and ended up raising my premature son alone in a shelter for years until I aged out. I’ve spent my entire life giving him everything he deserved and loving him so much more purely than I ever knew. Now we could be torn apart.

A 51A (Investigation of Child Abuse and/or Neglect) was filed by my son’s teacher. Despite the fact he’s a happy and popular kid, is on a waitlist for therapy, that he has consistent check-ins for his medication and ADHD, that I’m constantly in contact with his school and counsellor regarding his progress and his absent work…

His mental health has been great and he simply just wants to goof off with his friends instead of reading Shakespeare. She might have been insulted I didn’t remember to reply to another “How can I motivate your teenager in my classroom?” she sent on Monday, but I had spoken to my son about the email and had informed him to start staying after twice a week again like she had requested.

So she.. reports me to the Division of Children and Families?

I have been so overwhelmed tending to the needs of my two other children who have chronic medical needs and are in and out of hospital frequently.. but I never let a single ball drop. I made every appointment, I pushed for all these resources for my children, I’m keeping up with all of these communications and advocating for my child. I thought I was truly doing everything I could for my son and he says himself that he’s been happy, just.. doesn’t care about English class. I can’t breathe – what is going to happen to my family? How do I disprove a claim that is so.. vague??

The social worker already called back to confirm they’re going to move forward with the investigation. My youngest is autistic, entirely nonverbal, and has type 1 diabetes. I’ve been sobbing all night trying to imagine her in a foster home… please someone give me some advice. I fought my whole life to keep my baby safe. How am I losing them now?

Some solid advice came back –

Do you have a support system? Don’t assume you will lose them. It’s an investigation. Breathe. Get your home in order. Clean to the max. Make sure food is always in fridge. Make sure no chemicals or otc drugs are in reach. Lock it all up. Print copies of all your communications with the school and medical personnel and any organization where you were pushing for resources and keep in a binder for easy reference. Ask the doctors for all the children’s medical records NOW to show they have been seen consistently. Make notes of your conversations with your son so you don’t forget things in the moment when they are asking questions and it’s nerve racking. Keep all of this documentation organized and easily reachable at a moments notice and do it before they come back.

I agree with this little rant from someone else – All of this stress added to her already loaded plate caring for her kids with medical needs. All this extra stress, worry and basically trauma they are putting on her is so uncalled for. I understand that DCF has to investigate claims, but the system is honestly so disastrous, it’s rarely genuinely helpful to kids/families and doing this to families that don’t need any intervention at all is just cruel.

A Mystery Solved Somewhat

I am fascinated by stories like this – which involve abandonment, adoption and a definite mystery. Today’s blog is courtesy of a story in The Guardian – LINK>Three abandoned children, two missing parents and a 40-year mystery by Giles Tremlett.

A two-year-old girl along with her brothers ages four and five were abandoned at the Estación de Francia, the grand railway terminus in Barcelona Spain. The children did not even know their own surnames. They knew that they had recently lived in Paris France. At first, they were taken to an orphanage in Barcelona. Three days later, they were moved to a care home for vulnerable children in the center of the city.

A few weeks later, in May, an educational psychologist named Marisa Manera saw a photograph of Elvira and her brothers pinned to a board in a district office of Barcelona’s social services. “We are seeking information on these three children,” read an accompanying note. A business card with the care home’s number was pinned to it. Marisa and her husband, a teacher named Lluís Moral, had fostered children before, and they offered the three siblings a temporary home. The children moved in at the end of June.

In 1986, Marisa and Lluís formally adopted Elvira and her brothers, giving them the surnames Moral Manera (Spaniards receive one from each parent). “They got the three-kid family they had always wanted,” Elvira, now a slender 41-year-old woman with dark eyes, dyed silver hair and a chevron tattoo on one knuckle, told me. This was shared good fortune, since the children enjoyed a happy, loving a middle-class childhood in an apartment in Barcelona.

Elvira developed a firm conviction that character is formed more overwhelmingly by nurture, rather than nature. In 2014, Elvira had a son with her partner, Marco. During her pregnancy, Elvira started to feel unsettled by how little she knew about her biological family. In December 2020, she made an attempt to answer her questions with a MyHeritage DNA test. Yet, answers proved elusive.

In March 2021, Elvira was interviewed by Catalan radio station, RAC-1, for an early-evening talkshow, Islàndia. Many people responded but it was hard to judge who was trustworthy and who was not. She came to rely on a new friend, Montse Del Río, a 51-year-old forensic doctor who had heard her story on the radio. Another volunteer, a French-speaking 54-year-old amateur criminologist called Carmen Pastor, made the first breakthrough two months after the radio broadcast.

By the evening, Carmen had the information she needed. “I’ve just spoken to your second cousin. She explained that there were three missing children, and that the eldest was called Ramón.” Her father was also called Ramón and her mother Rosario. They were Spaniards, from Seville and Madrid. Elvira always thought her parents were French.

During a video chat with her “discovered” relatives, a photograph of an elderly woman was held up. It was their grandmother Inés, who had died in 2013. Photos the man and woman turned out to be who their parents were. For the first time since she was a toddler, Elvira was looking at her parents. There is much more in The Guardian article, if you’ve become intrigued as I did. That article will explain the Eiffel Tower tattoo – the image I selected to illustrate this story.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Dr James Wittig with adopted son Ronnie

Metaphysically, I’m a fan of synchronicities. I like this perspective – “The universe listens,” Wittig said, and gives you what you need. “Have you heard of synchronicities?” he asked. “It’s God’s way of giving you what you want.” James Wittig notes that “Years ago, I was engaged to be married, and we used to joke about having kids and we’d say: ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we have a child, send him away and then get him back when he’s 13, after the hard years?’ Then funny enough, a 13-year-old boy falls into my lap.”

Today’s blog is from a story in LINK>USA Today originally published on a North Jersey website. The story doesn’t tell us whether Ronnie wanted to be adopted but given the circumstances, I really don’t have a problem with this. The story does say that “When asked, Ronnie, now 20, said he did not want to be interviewed. He’s not comfortable talking about his story, but his father said following his graduation from Seton Hall Preparatory School last year, Ronnie enrolled in a welding program at a technical school. He fell in love with welding during a summer program shortly after he moved in with Wittig. He recently used his welding skills to make a firepit that now sits in their backyard.”

The connection between the doctor and the boy runs from the doctor’s work in his profession. About 20 years ago, when orthopedic surgeon James Wittig was a resident in training, his mentor gave him a photo of two young girls he had treated for bone cancer during the 1980s. The photo was meant to be a reminder to the young doctor of the importance of their life-saving work. Wittig had no way of knowing then that the 14-year-old girl in that photo would forever change his life. The other girl in the photo was 10 years old at the time. 15 years later, now in her 30s, this younger girl developed an infection in her leg and became Wittig’s patient. The doctor and patient kept in touch following treatment via Facebook.

The two girls remained friends long after they posed for that photo. Their close age and shared illness had created a strong bond. The older girl grew up, married and had two sons. She had to undergo more surgeries and eventually, her husband and the woman divorced. He moved to Colorado where he died a few years later. She remarried but died (due to complications of her cancer) only a month later. Her boys were just 11 and 7 years old. They went to live with their grandparents, but they also unfortunately died of cancer a year later. This sent them back to live with their stepfather. He fostered them, but did not have the resources to care for them properly. The younger of the two girls (now mature), took temporary custody of the two boys, now 17 and 13. The older boy already planned to join the military on his 18th birthday.

Thanks to a request for help by this woman on Facebook, where she was already remained in contact with her doctor, the younger boy found a home and a man gained a son, already 13, as he has fancifully mused about many years earlier. The adjustment was not easy for either of them. Understandably, the boy struggled with the death of his mother. He had not had a strong person in his life who he really trusted for a long time. Eventually trust came but it was slow.