Adoptees Know These

The first comment I saw on this image went something like this – Interesting how it’s “aren’t your adoptive parents enough?” AND “don’t you want to meet your REAL family?”

A more interesting one was this story – last year one of my friends’ mothers introduced me to his father and his stepfather by saying this is my husband, and this is my son’s “real” father.. I said “does he have a fake father?” Her face was priceless and she hemmed and hawed trying to clean it up.

In these modern times when effort is made to reform the whole perspective around adoption it can be hard to know what the right way to say something is. Early on, I was advised not to use “birth mother” but simply mother or if an identifier was necessary – natural or original. A mother is a mother and all of them give birth. Someone who doesn’t give birth is not necessarily a “mother” though they may be understood as such, they are more accurately a parent.

Unpacking a few more . . . the I would rather have been aborted comes up more often among adult adoptees than the general public might believe. It is hurtful to be asked, “Why would you ever want to meet someone who gave you up?” Maybe simply to answer the question – why? I know that is the question I had regarding my own parents original parents (both of my parents were adopted). Even though I can’t ask my grandparents direction because they have all died, I have learned enough to form some realistic theories about the reasons.

There are a LOT of adoptees who don’t feel “lucky” to have been adopted. When there is extreme mental damage in a parent, maybe then. Most I have encountered would not refer to themselves as “lucky”.

It is true that it isn’t possible to change the past and a complication for my own self is that if my parents were not adopted, I would not exist. I do feel lucky that my teenage mother was not sent off to have and give me up. I credit my dad’s adoptive mother for keeping me in the family. If I had been given up, I would still exist and my original parents would still have been the same people but I would have been raised by other parents and my two younger siblings may not have ever been born because our parents may not have married after such a rupture in the family unit.

Everything that happens – matters. An adoptee can feel like they had a good life (as my own mother did) and still want to know about their origins (as my own mother did). My dad seems to have been content with who his parents were and how they treated him (though the first adoptive father turned out to be an alcoholic and was kicked out of the home by my dad’s adoptive mother – she did remarry and my dad was adopted a second time when he was already 8 years old). My dad never seemed to want to know anything about his origins. I have wondered if he was afraid of what he would find out. He told my mom regarding her own desires, “you might open up a can of worms.” That is telling in my own heart.

Many adoptive parents actually do adopt to SAVE some kid from some fate worse than death which they imagine would have been the outcome otherwise. This is called saviorism and is very common among evangelical Christians.

You can interpret the rest however your heart whispers to you.

10 thoughts on “Adoptees Know These

    1. I don’t know who actually plays that kind of bingo. It turned up in an “all things adoption” group and was said to be floating around in more than one of those types of groups. I thought it was unusual and so decided to run with it. I’ll look for your interpretations, Joy.

      I took a look at your blog and see you were adopted. That explains how you may have arrived here. Welcome.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I have only recently been exploring around the topic of adoption and it is mind boggling what comes up. This is definitely on my list of writing prompts, but it may take a while to get round to it. Meanwhile I hope you can find something of interest in my other posts. Blessings Joy

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    1. I just wrote (edited my previous reply) that I did take a look. I saw that you have an interest in trauma in your career practice – there is much to explore related to adoption. I would recommend this book – “The Primal Wound – Understand the Adopted Child” by Nancy Newton Verrier. Wishing you always, only the best and lots of Joy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have both those books thanks. And the sequel to the Primal Wound. Also Anne Heffron’s book “you don’t look adopted” Lost and Found, & Adoption Detective. Quite a library I have built up. Blessings

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  2. I have just had an evil thought. How about we turned this on it’s head and concocted an “Infertility Bingo” card? What shall we have in the squares? Blessings and Joy, Joy

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