Processing Grief

From my all things adoption group –

Posting for a friend who does not have Facebook. We are both adoptive parents. Her adopted daughter is 7 years old. My friend just found out that her adopted daughter’s mother passed away before Christmas. It was a fluke that she even found out as they did not have regular contact. Her adopted daughter has experienced 2 great losses this year (biological grandmother and adoptive grandmother) and is still struggling with these. They are very open about her adoption and biological family but her adopted daughter does not want to engage in any conversations about her adoption, so they tread carefully between offering information and following her lead.

The question is… when and how should they approach the conversation about her mother passing away. The adoptive mother and her husband have a bit of a different view. She feels sooner than later is best but also acknowledges the fact that their adopted daughter is already struggling with lots of grief and loss (naturally) and some other new challenges that have recently popped up. Her husband thinks they should wait until the adopted daughter asks about her mom but she doesn’t feel that’s appropriate. I would love to be able to offer some specific information and ideas, if possible. Though I told her about this group, she asked that I post this on her behalf.

First response was this – Her husband is 100% wrong. This child needs a therapist and a safe space, if she doesn’t have one already. They need to tell her.

From an adoptee – Life doesn’t operate at a pace that is necessarily easy for any of us. We can’t control that. But the thing that all parents can control is whether or not they prove to their children that they are reliable and transparent. I understand, wanting to protect this child- but it’s not going hurt any less to find out later. It would just complicate the issue with a lot of questions about the delay. I would treat this in the same way that any other death was treated. She has recently learned about two people dying, why should her first mother’s death not be an immediate conversation ?

From another adoptee – Transparency is extremely important in building and maintaining trust between adoptees and their adoptive parents. Further delaying this information can damage this trust.

6 thoughts on “Processing Grief

  1. I bet that adopter is happier than a pig in shit and she can’t WAIT to tell the poor adopted kid, as she gets to be the ONLY mother now. Why wasn’t there any contact? Probably because she is just another selfish, immature witch who forbade the child to see her own mother. How did her mother die? Maybe she committed suicide like so many moms do after getting screwed over by adopters.
    So many facts in between the lines, truths that adopters never want anyone to see, especially the poor child they bought and whose identity and freedoms they and the adoption industry murdered..


    1. All of the feelings you expressed are valid and not unfamiliar to me. Thanks for being another voice that tells a more accurate story than the adoption industry would prefer.


  2. Hey thanks for publishing my comment and replying-I’m not used to that, usually I get told off and or banned whenever I state the darkness of adoption and that I hate it.
    I like your blog and thank you for seeing our side.
    I want adoption made illegal once and for all and replaced by Guardianship-that is my stance, for too many reasons to go into now. The problem however is as always, that these selfish infertiles and their greedy facilitators spew their rainbow and unicorn fart narrative about adoption, that incidentally doesn’t happen to THEM-it happens to us and none of them care how we feel about everything we lose and how much the system hurts us.
    Anyway I read your other posts and the one about David Crosby especially touches me as I was blessed with a singing voice that my adopters oppressed and didn’t want me to have because I wasn’t like them with that talent.
    And because I was their scapegoat from the beginning who they lied about, cut down and used to take everything they hated about themselves and their lives out on (including their horrific marriage) so of course I had to be lower than them all the time. Yup, that’s love for ya, that’s a better life, that’s a better home, okay 🙄
    And sadly of course, I’m not the only adoptee who has ever been abused like that. Another fact adopters and the adoption empire are determined to have the public ignore.
    But thankfully yours is another website that will give us megaphones to use in the fog they want us to suffocate in..


  3. Thank you deby-hugs right back at cha 🤗💗
    I’m going to link your blog as much as I can. I’m definitely a follower and you deserve a million more..


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