Unexpected Breakdown

The challenges of trying to help in an impossible situation from today’s story.

I signed up to foster teens and older kids. Had an emergency placement as my 1st. Teen was essentially homeless – no family would take her. She would have spent the night on Div of Family and Child Services’ (DFCS) floor or in a hotel. This type situation is pretty much what I envisioned as far as the kind of placements I would get.

She did well a few weeks. I treated her like a visiting niece. Introduced her to family and kids her age. Took her places. Got her all food she wanted from grocery store. She cooks and likes a lot of ingredients. Did normal things I’d do with any teen relative, watched movies, played with dog she loved, got her nails done. She wants to age out and be in an LINK>Independent Living Program. I asked for a DFCS meeting to discuss options according to her wishes.

Some of her family refused contact with her. They could/would not foster her for certain reasons. It was not a financial issue – all her family had money. I don’t have their contact info. Per her suggestion, I made friends via phone with her other extended family who live several hours away. We got along great.

DFCS, for legal reasons, had many restrictions placed on her. I will not get into those. I am not looking to adopt. She’s in serious legal trouble. I have to abide by the rules. Due to the strict restrictions, she had a huge mental occurrence from that. She is smart but has mental health diagnoses that will make anything like this worse. The restrictions were not from any self harm or violence towards others, but still very serious.

DFCS removed her from my home, due to her mental issues, and they said she needs a group home or a strict experienced therapeutic home. I agree because she was very mentally ill. Had she been my biological teen, I’d have put her in lots of therapy and maybe sent her to a reputable overnight summer camp, if she wanted to go. DFCS would not grant permission for her to do either, based on her legal situations.

Her personality was outgoing, she loved doing activities like in certain kinds of teen summer camps. I did not sign her up for any, as I didn’t know how long she’d be with me. She has some extended family who might have changed their mind and taken her in. That would have been great.

I asked DFCS from day one for a recommendation of mental health therapy for her. The teen actually also asked for it herself – many times. Long story shorter, I could not get it for her – DFCS said they were working on it. It took a month to get a call back just to set up an appointment. On that day, by sheer coincidence, she had her big crisis/breakdown. It was so bad – they did not give me an option as to whether to terminate the placement or not. Her issue was from the DFCS situation she was in.

Now, I’m really wishing I had gone against DFCS and personally tried even harder get her the mental health therapy faster, even though they said to wait for their referral to call.

One good thing is I got her a job. I think she still has it but I will not be able to go by to check. I gave her a small allowance and she only had to clean her areas in the house. She smiled a lot but also cried a lot.

Div of Family and Child Services in my area has a policy that non-kin fosters can not contact a child, if a placemat is disrupted. I understand. I’ll never see or hear from her again. After her breakdown, she said she hates everyone, she named them by name. Extended family, me, even pets she used to love.

My question: I’m wondering if there’s anything else I could have done to help her. Mental health assistance sooner, I guess. But without DFCS ? They would not help, until it was too late.

I did not know she was that bad off mentally. The breakdown was unexpected. She was great otherwise, only the kinds of minor issues many teens have. They won’t let her come back to me, even though she liked it ok here. The breakdown she had was unfortunately severe.

Trying to make sense of it. Could I have helped a little more somehow ? It was all unfair, how things happened, especially the lack of mental health assistance – after she had asked for it herself.

blogger’s note – this is how the system is. If anyone reading this is contemplating being a part of it, this is the kind of situation you may be getting yourself into.