Today’s story is how someone is doing an open adoption the right way.
My daughter is 5 she knows she was born from mama c’s tummy, and knows that is why she looks different from most of her family. We also have an open adoption that has become much more open over the past year, in the beginning mama c only wanted a few letters and photos no other contact. Once mama c was ready for more we jumped at the relationship. We visit with mama c and bio siblings every couple months (we live 6 hours apart) and text several times a week and even took a vacation with them earlier in the summer.
Even so, an issue has popped up that the mother is seeking advice to handle it as best as she can. The closest in age sibling is just a couple years older and mama c has not wanted to tell the girls that they are sisters. They know how my daughter was born etc but we have not used the term sisters. We just say we are family. Mama c has asked if I know of any books etc to share with here daughter to help make the conversation easier. I am looking for suggestions to help facilitate this conversation because I think the older one for sure knows but does not want to ask the hard questions and my girl is asking questions that I am having to bend the truth in answering, to stay in line with what mama c is comfortable with. Next visit will be Labor Day (we have visited the past 3 days with them) and we are hoping to have that conversation then, if not before. I am trying to follow mama c’a lead here but since she asked about books and for advice during this last visit, I am trying to help, so that we can all get everything out in the open.
One commenter wrote – All these girls need adoption competent therapy! And their mom too. As far as books go, I haven’t found anything good. Most of the adoption books out there are gross because they’re heavily biased towards adoptive parents. One book I love is called LINK>The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld. It’s not about adoption or anything specific; it’s about a child who is upset and how they just need to be listened to. You can find that read aloud at the YouTube link above.
One adoptive mother shares her experience – My family is two adopted sons age 13 and 10, then two biological daughters age almost 5 and 2. The natural mother has been a part of almost every vacation and has come to our house several times to spend a week. The almost 5 year old has understood the dynamics of “(natural mother’s name) is my brother’s mama. But not my mama.” I share this to say – this is totally within the range of a 5 year old’s ability to understand.
Another recommends this book, LINK>Sam’s Sister by Juliet C. Bond Lcsw, even though she hasn’t personally read it. I went looking. Here is a summary – Five year-old Rosa suspects that something is wrong with her mama. What she discovers brings immense joy and sadness to her tiny family. Mama is pregnant, but she cannot keep the baby. Instead, she’s arranging an open adoption.
Another shares – I haven’t read this as it doesn’t apply to our situation but LINK>Holly Marlow has written a book that helps children understand that some siblings live at home while another/others may live with family/foster/adopted. It’s only been released in the last couple of weeks. However, a mother of loss disagreed with this recommendation, writing – she seems to be an adoptive parent and, as a natural mother, I’m getting the ick from some of the things I’m seeing she’s written. I really wish adoptive parents would stop writing books, just my personal opinion, we’ve heard enough from them sharing our stuff and profiting off the biological families stories and the children they bought.
Another mother of loss who’s son is in a closed adoption writes – do not have a book to recommend, but I am a first mom who has since had children that I parent. My first child was 11 when the first child I parent was born. Unfortunately the adoption was closed but the entirety of the lives of my children I do parent I tell them about my first son. Every month I write a letter and send it. The children I parent are 2 and <1 year. I have my 2 year old tell me things he wants to tell his big brother. He knows he has a big brother that lives far away with different adults. He regularly looks at photos of his brother, and the rest of our family in family photo albums.
An yet another mother of loss writes – Children should always know their truth. Shame on anyone who keeps it from them. My children always knew they had a sibling who was gone from the family. Because they always knew, there was no need for any conversation or “age appropriate” anything. My daughter on the other hand was never told. It’s bullshit.
An adoptee shares – She just needs to speak it. Kids understand all kinds of things. Therapy would be so beneficial. I knew from before my understanding that I had half siblings, even had a picture of one of them and my adoption was locked down closed (adopted from foster care as a toddler). It’s odd to me that the child’s mother will come for visits and just won’t share the simple, basic truth that they are sisters.
Missing Mom 