Today’s story – My son was adopted from foster care at age 2. He’s 6 years old. His mom has been in prison and hasn’t seen him since he was 4. We did yearly visits at ages 3 and 4 before she was incarcerated. When she gets released, she will be living in a different state. She has requested video calls with him.
Here’s where we need advice. Do we talk with him about his feelings surrounding these video calls? Do we allow the choice to be his? We want their relationship to be led by him, but is 6 too young to understand? Should we be taking the lead until he’s old enough to decide what he wants?
Added details: there were never any negative behaviors after our past visits at ages 3 and 4. I would talk with him very lightly about the visit afterwards to gauge where he was at. Our son has some mental health needs and we’re trying to be sensitive to those since he’s doing so well at this time.
An adoptee answers – There are many factors to consider. First and foremost, the choice is ALWAYS his. Always let the child lead the relationship and respect their wishes. The desires of parents (natural, foster, or adoptive) never have priority over that of the child. When asking if they want to call or visit, remember that “I don’t know” or “I’m unsure” is not an automatic yes. That means there needs to be a longer conversation to help figure out their feelings together. This would be best done in conjunction with a trauma-informed therapist.
Secondly, the context of the incarceration. None of our business and I’m not asking, but it’s relevant to consider. Things like theft, substance use, fraud, prostitution, etc are all situations that do not make someone any less of a parent. However crimes against the child should be taken seriously. Despite my pleas, I was forced to visit my abuser and trafficker in prison, even as she sat for the crimes against me.
Third, consider the environment of the facility. Even if the relationship with mom is a healthy thing to maintain, it can be deeply frightening and traumatizing for children. I witnessed and was subjected to some very disturbing behavior while visiting prisons in my youth. In cases like this, video calls (like I believe your post mentioned) are obviously preferred but consider being pen pals as well. These mementos can be saved forever and looked back on, and also it can take the stress off face-to-face interactions that can be very awkward for many.
According to the Sesame Street Workshop – 2.6 million children have a parent who is incarcerated. It is one of the major causes of placement into foster care. Want to know more? – Sesame Street Workshop topic – LINK>Incarceration.
Missing Mom 