There Is Actually A Need

From a thread where hopeful adoptive parents are fighting a very young, unwed mother to let them raise her child – “Your baby needs a mother and a father. That’s more important than your feelings. We are trying our best to be honest, even when it’s hard. It’s wrong to keep pushing for us to just scrap our name for your baby. It is just not going anywhere productive. Stop asking us because we aren’t going to listen.”

“There are so many families who just grow old and never have any children at all. Sounds weird to say but there is actually a need for birth moms. I wish more people were aware of how many are waiting and could get a little help from volunteer birth moms. I know that’s a controversial take.”

“Some of these families have ten plus kids and I feel it’s highly likely those kids aren’t getting good care. Better to keep 5 and place 5 with the infertile doctor and his wife who can’t have any. There’ just more than one way to look at something in order to solve a problem.”

This is a reality out in adoption land.

When Does It Happen ?

From an adoptee – Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me because I stopped loving my adoptive father. I don’t understand (this isn’t me judging anyone that feels differently) how adults can forgive and still love their abusive parents. I don’t love my father. I used to. Then I was sad. Now indifferent.

I stopped loving him when my daughter arrived because I finally understood how easy it is to love your child.

I don’t know if this is because I’m adopted or because he was abusive. Or maybe combo of the both. I stopped loving him. I know this because when he died, I didn’t care. I had used all my tears up by then. I felt indifferent.

Can you relate?

This person did – my father was abusive. I don’t think I ever loved him. I used to look up to him before I realized how bad the abuse was. When my son started to look more like me than his dad I broke down in tears wondering how he could decide to hurt me. I didn’t cry when he died until several years after, then I cried for the lack of the father I deserved in my childhood. It’s hard for me to love someone whose only job was to love me but completely failed.

blogger’s note – I am winding down how much I post here. Soon, I will be making a long distance move and really won’t have the time but there is a lot here that I think can be helpful and some that another person may want to push back against – it happens – and I am grateful for the reality checks. Wishing all a good holiday season and a better new year (or at least as good of one as life can hand you).

Lost Birds

Learned about this book reading the December issue of New Mexico Magazine. When I read it is a riveting mystery underscoring the complexities around the adoption of Indigenous children by non-Indigenous parents – I had to know more !!

I found this at ReadingReality.net – LINK>Book Review. From that I had to google a definition for bilagáana. I learned that is an early Navajo term for white American male. My in-laws were fond of books by Tony Hillerman. He died in 2008. Anne is his daughter.

Joe Leaphorn, a retired Navajo Tribal Police detective, discovers that his client’s adoption was questionable, and her adoptive family not what they seem.

From the review – “Exploring the emotionally complex issues of adoption of Indigenous children by non-native parents, Anne Hillerman delivers another thought-provoking, gripping mystery that brings to life the vivid terrain of the American Southwest, its people, and the lore and traditions that make it distinct.”

PTSD Nightmares

I read a woman’s story today. She was adopted from Bulgaria in the 1990s. I won’t share all of what she wrote but much of it is typical for many adoptees regardless. She writes that she is beyond grateful & blessed to be where she is now. Her husband was able to find her birth mother and sister as a Mother’s Day gift 7-1/2 years ago but her birth mother wants no contact with her. Her husband suggested seeing if the orphanage she was at was still around.

Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. She notes – Like my own adoptee mother, she wants to learn more about some health issues she has been having. I understand. It was the same in my family.

What really touched my heart was when she wrote – I blocked everything from the orphanage out. After our stillbirth, everything from the orphanage has been coming back in full force to where I get these horrible flashback nightmares. Sometimes the nightmares gets so bad to where I injure myself. Finally was put on PTSD medication and it’s been a huge help with my nightmares. Still get them but not as intense and scary. I finally found a counselor that I go to that helps with the adoptee’s trauma. I couldn’t have been any happier to finally have a counselor that can help me process find was to cope and heal from the emotional, physical and sexual abuse.

Reading her story had me do a deep dive into Bulgarian orphanages (I was aware of similar issues in Romania from long ago). I’ll spare you most of the details.

One response was this – We adopted 2 children from Bulgaria 6 years ago. I would say try and send the letter. But expect nothing in return. Honestly your mother probably has little to no medical information to give you. In Bulgaria, our experience is that unless you have money – care and knowledge is extremely limited. We were not told a great deal about the children that we adopted. They hid how violent our son was and he was only 7 when we adopted him. Our adoption was extremely difficult because of all that they hid.

Another adoptee shared this and offered some resources – having no health history is like never ending Russian Roulette. It’s typical for adoptees to have their early life trauma resurface in connection to pregnancy & loss. I hope your counsellor is adoption trauma competent & can help you begin to process the connections. I recommend looking up Pete Walker’s book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You might also find Gabor Maté’s trauma videos on YouTube, useful. As a result of your loss, what you are experiencing is called ‘coming out of the fog’ & it’s fierce. There’s a fantastic blog by adoptee Gilli Bruce about leaving the adoption fog, that is worth looking up to explain it. Finally, read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

I learned that Bulgaria has been criticized for having one of the highest numbers of children in state institutional care in the European Union. Growing up in an orphanage isn’t easy. No happy circumstances lead to kids living there. These difficult circumstances and the fact that children don’t have access to the best resources for their development can cause issues. These appallingly treated children are a legacy of Bulgaria’s communist past, when families were torn apart for the greater good of the state. Some boarding houses were established just to cater for those born out of wedlock.

Home Children

I had not heard the term Home Children, though it is not surprising as it relates to Canada. We have been watching the Acorn series – Murdoch Mysteries – though last night’s episode titled “Child’s Play” did not play properly for us – freezing and skipping – so we never got to the conclusion. After our local library “cleans” the disk, maybe we can check it out again and be able to see the full story.

The story was about a ragamuffin group of boys that were called Home Children. These were children rounded up from the streets of London and shipped off to Canada – there was also an adoption theme in the story. So, I went looking to learn more about these children. More than 100,000 children were sent from the United Kingdom to Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and South Africa. The program was largely discontinued in the 1930s but not entirely terminated until the 1970s. Research in the 1980s, exposed the abuse and hardships endured by the relocated children.

The practice of sending poor or orphaned children to English and later British colonies, to help alleviate the shortage of labor, began in 1618, with the rounding-up and transportation of one hundred English vagrant children to the Virginia Colony. In the 18th century, labor shortages in the overseas colonies also encouraged the transportation of children for work in the Americas, and large numbers of children were forced to migrate, most of them from Scotland. This practice continued until it was exposed in 1757, following a civil action against Aberdeen merchants and magistrates for their involvement in the trade.

The Children’s Friend Society was founded in London in 1830 as “The Society for the Suppression of Juvenile Vagrancy through the reformation and emigration of children.” In August 1833, 230 children were shipped to Toronto and New Brunswick in Canada. In the first year of the operation, 500 children, trained in the London homes, were shipped to Canada. This was the beginning of a massive operation which sought to find homes and careers for 14,000 of Britain’s needy children. As they were compulsorily shipped out of Britain, many of the children were deceived into believing their parents were dead, and that a more abundant life awaited them. Some were exploited as cheap agricultural labor, or denied proper shelter and education. It was common for Home Children to run away, sometimes finding a caring family or better working conditions.

Many of these themes were part of the story we attempted to watch last night. It certainly piqued my interest in exploring it this morning. Much of today’s blog is courtesy of the Wikipedia page – LINK>Home Children.

My Promise To My Self

Both of my parents were adopted. Until I was about 60 years old, I had no idea of who my biological, genetic grandparents were or the cultures they came from. This never troubled my dad but it did trouble my mom. Because my dad did not want to hear such things from my mom, she talked to me about it. She tried mightily to get her adoption file from the state of Tennessee but was rejected twice.

So, I always thought I would try after my parents had died, thinking that might somehow loosen up the levers of power that kept their adoption files and information sealed and a secret from those of us treated like second class citizens by keeping us in ignorance about information that most citizens of this country take for granted.

Today’s blog is inspired by some words spoken by the Rev Michael Bernard Beckwith in his message on Sunday, Nov 24th – “You have put a dream in your own heart before you got here. You made a promise to your self to activate it, discover it, to live it fully. Then, you begin to understand your real identity.” I was conceived out of wedlock (though my parents did marry before I was born) by two young people – my mom was a teenager in high school and my dad had just started at a university out of town. I believe that dream that I put in my heart before I came into this life was to uncover my family’s roots. I had fulfilled that goal in less than a year as the pieces fell like dominos into my lap with each effort I made.

It is always going to feel sad to my own heart that my parents had passed away before I had this information that would have mattered to whatever degree to each of them. At least, as their descendant I know and I have passed that information onto other biological genetic family members. I feel that I did fulfill that destiny that I was born to do.

Yesterday, I got a rather nasty comment from an adoptee who was being triggered and thus, she was reacting to what I had written. It was easy to see the propagandas she had been fed such as “we chose you” and she denied any loss of identity due to being adopted. I believe in allowing adoptee voices to say whatever they want to say on my blog – after all – I am NOT an adoptee myself – only the child of parents who were both adopted. I answered as honestly as I could in my reply, being as kindly as I know how, because she was rather rude and judgmental – but hers is one perspective among many that adoptees could have in response to their own experience. I had absolutely no inclination to argue with her. I have spent at least 7 years reading and absorbing a wide variety of adoptee feelings about their experience.

Not everything I write is going to sit well with adoptees or adoptive parents. Though I insert my own perspectives wherever they fit in, much of what I am trying to do with this blog is only educate others about how it feels to be a part of the system that is adoption in this country. I have no agenda nor could I have a serious bias against adoption because “but for” I would not even exist.

At Best, Unconditional is BS

From a Late Discovery Adoptee (didn’t know they were adopted until late in life) –

Was cleaning out my garage and have made a pile of adoptive family stuff to heave out of my life. Found a letter my adoptive parents’ daughter that she included when sending me the stuff that I told her I do not want. She has never taken any responsibility for her part in deceiving me. She has never attempted to learn anything about the trauma of either adoption or betrayal. Instead she insists she has always loved me unconditionally.

Please.

I see this word used so frequently by adopters and their family members when talking to or about adopted people in the home.

I see how so many of us absolutely hate this language. Hate. It. It’s triggering and often lazy and often used, perhaps unconsciously, to dismiss the feelings and experiences the adopted person is trying to share. The adopter people are feeling uncomfortable, so they whip out unconditional.

I feel like it needs to be added to the list of things to never say to an adopted person. Instead, maybe if the adopters are uncomfortable or feel they need to reassure the adopted person, they could really listen and validate the persons feelings and ask them What can I do to help? What would me reassuring you sound and feel like? How can I help support you? What could I change about our interactions?

I know it’s not just me who thinks unconditional is, at best, bs. Thoughts? Ideas?

An adoptive parent asks – What language would you prefer ? It’s a never win situation for some of us who loved so much, we chose to be there for a stranger’s child as well as our own. Clearly some just choose to be angry at us in lieu of the one that abandoned them. It was a simple question in response to words she didn’t want to hear. I was curious. But clearly some truly don’t want a resolution but choose instead to stew in unnecessary hate.

She replied – it’s not just an issue of language. It’s the intent and the impact as well. Think about this – if I was chosen, that implies that I met some expectation or that they had hopes that I would meet some expectation. Choosing me meant others were not chosen, right ? So then, I fail to live up to any or all of those expectations by say, expressing myself in a way that makes them uneasy. They then “reassure” me that they love me unconditionally. They don’t acknowledge or validate my feelings or apologize or seek to understand. They just try to wave it all away with the Unconditional wand. It’s like shorthand for we don’t care. Or at least, we don’t care enough to actually hold space for you in an authentic way. Just be mollified and move on. I’d much rather be told, yeah, we are disappointed that you don’t feel loved. Or yes, we hoped you would be happy but since you are not, what can we do to be here for you ? Or even, yep, we don’t particularly like you. At least that’s honest.

Another person who was fostered from birth then into a forced adopt at age 10 shares – I was abused by my foster “carer” to adoptress who never really loved me, but I was a good tool to help them have their “miracle bio-children”, once I was in their home. Unconditional Love is a misnomer – it’s easy & lazy to use the phrase, especially when that love is absolutely A1 Conditional. I’m sure as an adopter you now get to own a child that has another history outside of you and your family’s. It is not the same way that my mother was simply and will always be my mother – she was the only one who ever showed me unconditional love – not selfless love, but love without any strings… until she was not permitted to ever see me again or speak with me again. Those were the conditions that a Closed Adoption and a selfish, self-centered adopter and adoption agency made sure would stick for the rest of my life.

Another adoptee noted – Acknowledging their role in my trauma would have been nice.

Lastly from another adoptee – Unconditional love doesn’t exist. Everyone must meet certain conditions for it. But in your case, I think “unconditional” is being directed at you. Because their love for you was conditioned on you not knowing about being adopted. And now that you do know, you’re supposed to act like it never happened ? Definitely appalling disrespect toward you and a betrayal. In general, I find it to be a silencing and manipulation tactic and the opposite of them doing the work of connecting to us, where we are. I never wanted reassurance I was loved. I wanted it shown and it never was.

Reasons To Be Thankful

Looking at the demands on my time for the week, this may be my last opportunity to write a blog for this space until next week.

In thinking about what I could write and the upcoming holiday, which is much on a lot of people’s minds, including my own – I thought I would list a few from the years I have been writing this blog.

Be thankful if your biological, genetic family is intact. No disruptions, no family separations, no taking of children away or fleeing domestic violence. You may even be in a minority number, if you can claim all of that.

If you were the recipient of adoptive parents, be thankful if yours have been kind, attentive and generous with you. I’ve read enough horror stories to know that is NOT how it always turns out.

Be thankful if you actually know where your genetic, biological ancestors came from. I was over 60 years old before I knew this about mine – or for that matter, even who “mine” were.

Be thankful if you knew your family medical history and what your vulnerabilities are. I still don’t know mine 100% but until I was over 60 years old, I could only say – we don’t know, both of my parents were adoptees.

Be thankful if your parents were actually “there” for you, if you got in trouble – found yourself pregnant out of marriage often with uncertainty about who the actual father of your child was.

Be thankful if you were able to get an abortion, during the decades it was legal. You often don’t know how much access to that might matter, until you need such services. Exceptions mean nothing to a doctor who fears doing one under such allowances might still jeopardize his future.

Be thankful if you have adequate shelter and running water – I have experienced a lack of both in my lifetime.

I know, that if I continue to ponder this, I could come up with at least a few more. Not all but most of the above are based directly on my personal knowledge, related to my own or a genetic, biological family member’s experience.

You could try creating your own list – whether you are an adoptee, a first/natural parent who was unable to raise their genetic, biological child for whatever reason, or an adoptive parent. It is said we should always count our blessings.

A Selfless Act Of Love ?

An adoptee asks – does anyone else get really annoyed when people say “adoption is the most selfless act of love” ? Because no ? I think the most unselfish thing for my biological mom to have done would have been to get her life together, so she could parent her child. And I think the most unselfish thing my adoptive parents (and the Div of Family and Child Services) could have done would be to HELP my biological mom get it together, so she could parent her child. I think it was pretty selfish for my biological mom to just give in and give up because SHE couldn’t get it together for a child she created. And I think it’s pretty selfish of my adoptive parents to just take me, no questions asked, because they wanted to. I don’t know. Nothing about my adoption was selfless. None of it was centered around my best interests. I’m just really angry about it today.

One adoptee responds – As a teenager I had the feeling of “why wasn’t I enough” every so often. But when I met my biological family at 18, I was sooo thankful I was adopted. Absolute disgusting trash of a family. My adopted mom may not be perfect but it definitely made me more grateful for her vs what I could’ve grown up in. I think everyone has their own perspectives. Sometimes it is selfless, because the biological family is in no place to raise a kid. Does it suck? Yes. But in my case, I’m thankful I was taken by the state and adopted out.

Another adoptee notes – I met my birth mother who was a POS that gave two of us up separately. I’m glad I wasn’t raised by her, but that in no way negates me losing all my family, my identity, my vital medical info & updates, my background info, potential relationships, not meeting family who have passed, and suffering the trauma of all that & family separation.

Another person says the truth – It is simply something said to make adoption presentable. It’s gross the way words are used – twisted and weaved – to make the idea of something dreadful and repulsive into something lovely and desirable.

A mother of loss shares her own experience – For me it wasn’t a matter of “not getting my shit together”, it was having people actively working against me, preventing me from getting information and resources that I was either legally entitled to or that it was standard practice to provide. There was absolutely no part of me that did not want my child, but between the constant messages of “if you truly love the baby you’ll do this” and “if you don’t do this we’ll take away any bit of choice you do have”, had I been given the chance to “get my life together”, I absolutely would have, but I was denied that chance.

One who was placed with relatives shares – My mother wasn’t abusive, but wasn’t fully functioning either. She’d been raped to conceive me, and she wanted to leave her cheating husband. Her parents flat refused to help. They themselves called Child Protective Services on her and reported her as neglectful and homeless, because they wouldn’t let her move back home with my sister and me. My sister’s uncle ended up taking me in, because the judge wouldn’t give us back to our mother. (Her dad took her.) She didn’t voluntarily give us up, but she did give up fighting for us and moved away from all the thoughts and memories. The people who took me in played house until their own children were born. Then, they emotionally used me as their surrogate and discarded me as a daughter. They could’ve worked to reach out to her and see if she had her stuff together and could raise me.

Another adoptee shares – My adoption was open and I saw the life my birth mom had vs the life I had with my adoptive parents. I do believe it was selfless. I wouldn’t change my situation. My birth mom and I have a relationship now. I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents. She did what she felt was best and I agree. I respect her for it. It was her choice and it was selfless in my opinion.

Sadly, this adoptee had an unhappy experience – I am so glad I was adopted. Yes, I do have resentment towards my adoptive parents for some of the decisions that were made in raising me and with how they handled my adoption. But I did reach out and try to establish a relationship with my birth mother. I wish I never would have because she completely destroyed my life. It took years for me to even begin to come back from what she did. And that’s not even touching on the emotional toll I still have to deal with.

Another one shares – No one offered my biological mom help or support. She was a teenager in foster care with no help. She had no choice. No one would help her or support her. So she did the only thing she could do because she clearly couldn’t take care of me. She had no job, no home, no way to take care of me, no support – nothing. I don’t blame my biological mom since I learned the whole truth. She was a child.

This same woman (from above) is raising her cousin’s daughter and her story is – to me – a genuine selfless act of love – my cousin asked me to adopt her daughter because she was struggling with drug addiction. I was just shocked and in disbelief. I didn’t even know she was pregnant. She told me that she didn’t want her daughter to end up in the system. I met with her the next day and brought her EVERY RESOURCE I knew of in the area. Coincidently, I worked for the area and knew all the resources for moms who were using while pregnant. My FIRST RESPONSE was to run to her, hug her and tell her this is not your only choice. Let me help you. I can get you into treatment and you can stay with your baby at these places. I know the owners, I can get you in. Plus other resources. I explained to her my adoption trauma and how I would never wish that for anyone. I gave her all the resources and told her I wanted her to look at them. Like really look at them. I would support her however I could, even taking placement until she got on her feet. Several weeks later, she said she still wanted to give her daughter to me and she wants me to adopt her vs guardianship because she doesn’t want Child Protective Services in her life – EVER – which would happen, even if her daughter wasn’t in her custody. So eventually, I agreed on one condition… she stays in her daughter’s life… she was so thankful and grateful. We talk almost everyday. She’s that girl’s mama and always will be.

Another adoptee admits – I think the most selfless thing my first mother could have done would be having an abortion instead of birthing me. My siblings feel similarly (both those kept and those relinquished). And taking a baby and pretending it’s yours, so you can play house and pretend to be its parent, is not selfless to me.

An adoptee struggles with the trope as well – I struggle with the selfless narrative, we hear as well (and some of us are) mothers who you couldn’t pry away from our children, we’d do any and everything to keep them and do our best by our children. Giving your kid away is the opposite, letting someone else worry about feeding, clothing and raising them isn’t selfless, it’s selfish. The adoptive parents rushing in isn’t selfless, they’re selfishly taking someone else’s child.

And there was this compassionate response – My birth mother was gang raped (I found this out a couple years ago). I was conceived pre-Roe v Wade. She didn’t have a choice, unless she wanted to get a back alley abortion. So, what you’re saying is she is supposed to raise me & live that rape everyday ? I’ve always been very pro choice , so give women a right to have an abortion & fight for it!! If the current administration coming in has its way, there’s going to be lots more women & children in my situation & that makes me very angry!!

From another adoptee – I hate hearing it. Because it makes it seem beautiful that I was abandoned. Which it was not. It’s the greatest wound of my life. What would’ve been beautiful would’ve been the adoption agents actually helping my relatives somehow. Not forcing my mother to sign papers, so I could be shipped abroad. Nothing about it feels selfless. It feels wrong and so sad. While I love my adoptive parents, I hate what happened for me to get here.

And this reality check – If giving up a child is “loving, brave and selfless,” does that mean parents who keep and raise their own children are “unloving, cowardly and merciless?”

And this happens to other mothers of loss – It WAS selfish of me. Adoption offered all these perfect “answers” to allllllll the “problems” that faced me. And since I was given the opportunity to become a living embodiment of a “family building angel” I ate it up. As horrible as it is, I must admit that it felt good to be told I was smart and wise and strong and selfless. I was desperate for that validation and acknowledgment from anyone in my life and of course only the agency offered it. I drank it up. And came home from relinquishing believing in some innate goodness. Which is probably one of the things that kept me alive in the dark times after. I didn’t have to face his father. I didn’t have to face my family. I didn’t have to hear the whispers and gossip ( that existed in my head.. in reality no one would have cared in a few months. So what? I spared myself a few months if discomfit?) I didn’t have to alter my life plans. I didn’t have to even try. And not to end this on a defensive note, but as a kindness to my younger self, she also didn’t know. She didn’t know at 19 that we had a strength within us that would be able to achieve great things in this lifetime. I had no idea what I was capable of and no idea that it wasn’t what they promised it would be. I knew I would hurt and I was willing to take it for the greater good. So I forgive myself and offer grace for what we didn’t know. But it was still a terrible mistake. And yes, indeed a root in selfishness and self preservation. Relinquishment is a desperate act based on survival built on faulty lies as a foundation.

Just one last one – Angry with my adoptive mother – yes. Towards my adoptive father I feel differently because he fostered my relationship with my biological family after my adoptive parents divorced. He never stopped being my bestie and a driving force in my positive mental health. I never was able to fill the shoes my adoptive mother had in her fantasies. I frequently find myself angry about it and found her to be VERY selfish. My biological grandmother gave me away, without my biological mother’s consent.

Modern Cultural Reality

Today’s question – has been adopted by a male same sex couple and how that affects the dynamic/experience for you and your journey. I am a birth mother and was very young and unaware of the complexities of adoption, we were suppose to have an open adoption but I never see or have a relationship with my child and there’s always some excuse as to why they’re too busy or have to post pone. Since the adoptive parents are a same sex couple, the situation has always felt very glorified and natural, since they clearly can’t have kids entirely on their own. The adoption has always felt like a surrogacy but as I’m getting older and learning – I have a strong spiritual desire to connect with my child for their own biological security, sense of self and development – not to over step or try to insert myself as a parental figure. When trying to contact the adoptive parents, I feel like I’m being “extra” or unnecessary. I would like some insight from your own experience and maybe some suggestions, if there’s anything on your heart that feels like beneficial information here. I don’t have a confident discussion prepared and fear if we get to the place to have the conversation, they may invalidate my feelings and I may buckle to preserve the peace. So, I just want to have a strong knowing of what to bring up and a realistic outcome in mind, so I can communicate effectively. I’ve listened to The Primal Wound narrated by an adoptee and that’s what really put things into perspective for me.

One person suggested – I find most LGBT folks more willing to learn new things. You would know best here, of course. But what do you think about maybe trying to meet/talk to the adults only for a bit ? It’s not right, but perhaps getting them to understand the depth of the damage they are perpetrating would help. If they’re not open to that, do you think they’d be open to you sharing some literature with them ? Maybe send a letter explaining where you’re coming from, how you’ve done some research over the years, and here’s a book you think they should read ? It’s a lot of work on your part, and I’m sorry for that. But if they’re decent people, they’d at least read whatever you send them.