Author: debyemm

Adoption Advertising

This is the state of things on our modern era. LINK>My Adoption Advisor notes – As great as your adoption profile or website may be, if the right expectant parents don’t see it, it doesn’t matter. Today’s generation of expectant parents are looking for adopting parents online.

They go on to say – We provide 2 online advertising services. You must purchase both to get started.

  • Our Campaign Creation Service allows us to create and activate your campaign. This is a one-time set-up fee. This costs just under $400.
  • Our Campaign Management Service allows us to analyze your campaign data, optimize your campaign, and report back to you once a month (and answer any questions that come up during the month). This is a monthly recurring cost of $129 EVERY month.

One adoptee activist notes – This is what we’ve always been up against in one form or another. But it is getting even more sophisticated now. It’s important that we all keep on telling our stories. 

One says “But it’s not buying a human – it’s just paying fees.” Another adoptee says – “Why the need for an ad campaign ? Money is money ! FYI the ‘fee’ is directly related to what race the baby is !” That has been true for some time now.

What Can Happen

Today’s story (and not mine, which is usually the case with the stories I share but which I ALWAYS feel have an important point to make). The woman is both an adoptee herself and a mother of loss (meaning no longer has physical custody of her children).

Basically, my rights were violated (I know, everyone who is a mother who lost custody of her child/children had that happen) and I didn’t even sign a Termination of Parental Rights (TPR). No, the State didn’t take my children; my sister was my guardian, co-guardian with my parents and SHE signed the TPR paperwork; I didn’t even see it – to allow my parents to adopt my children.

Both my children are under 18 years old, the oldest is only a few years away, but she’s “incapacitated” and wouldn’t be able to make the decision to come find me, which I’m not even sure they’re even being told that they were adopted. The youngest is under10 years old and was still a toddler when COVID happened (the Christmas before is when I spent longer than 5 minutes with her). I doubt she would remember me.

I’ve been told I could adopt them back but being an adopted child myself, I hesitate to do something traumatizing to my children like what happened to me. Being that my parents are the ones that raised my children and the only ones they know as “parents”, would it be selfish of me to move forward with this ?

I just hope one day that the right questions get asked and the youngest starts looking for me. Then I can address whether it’s best to keep my children with my parents. The adoption took place in late 2018, early 2019 (the time it probably took for finalization). I wasn’t ever told the exact date; but I know that a court hearing took place in 2018.

When a commenter said – “pretty sure that’s illegal!! And I’m pretty sure all parties have to be notified and served for a court date! Your children deserve to have their mother and I mean their real mother, not some wanna be, in their lives. Are these the people that adopted you ?” The woman clarifies –  “I was there at all court dates, but my sister insisted on being my “voice” and of course, I didn’t want to be held in contempt – so I kept my mouth shut except to say to the judge, ‘this is what they want, I don’t really have a say.’ The sister that signed is my biological half sister (I didn’t know that she was only a half sister until adulthood). She was adopted at the same time I was. She worships the ground the adoptive parents walk on.”

The commenter makes a guess – “They threw you away the moment they had your precious babies in their clutches ! Was there ever an access order put in place when the adoption was finalized ?” She responds – “They ‘promised’ to keep me ‘in the loop’, but then COVID happened and they used that as an excuse to cut me out completely. They were technically still my guardians until June of 2022, but they never came to actually see me; it was all done over the phone.” The commenter answers – “I’d be finding a way to sue these people ! I know it’s probably not possible but what they’ve done to you is wrong !! And they need to be stopped from doing it again. The children will have trauma – no matter what – and quite frankly being with their mommy is what’s best for them !”

Another commenter asked an obvious question – “What was the reason for the guardianship, I am not judging.” The woman’s reply was – “I consented to a temporary guardianship when they sat at my kitchen table and I let them (adoptive mother and sister) take care of all the paperwork. When I got to the court hearing, suddenly it was a permanent guardianship and I had no idea how to object at the time. I was 23, in an abusive relationship, and pregnant (even though they’ll argue that the pregnancy should have no bearing on my consent). Some background – I graduated at 19 from high school, moved 3+ counties away for “independent living” care help when I was 20, moved to where I currently live when I was 21 for a job (which I’ve had going on 16 years), and basically got “ghosted” by them from then on, until suddenly they reappeared in November when I was 23, in order to petition for guardianship.”

Some advice about smoothing a transition came – “I would definitely accept the opportunity to get them back. You can do a transition to minimize damage and increase visits over time and perhaps some therapeutic visits or therapy for them with someone who would help them navigate the transition back to you as smoothly as possible.”

What Would You Do

I learned a story about a 25 year old woman, a single mom of a 4 year old son, with stage 4 cervical cancer. She noted that “I don’t have friends or family who can raise my son. My biggest fear is my child ending up in the foster system or with people who are not good or don’t love him.” Intrigued by her story, I went looking further and ended up at her LINK>GoFundMe page (and I’m not in a financial situation where I could help at the moment).

I learned there that she did succeed in getting a 2nd opinion at MD Anderson – “cancer is incurable but treatable. Meaning that, they can only keep my cancer at bay with treatment, but I’ll always have this cancer. He let me know that it will eventually take my life. If treatment works, my lifespan could range to hopefully years. If treatment doesn’t work, I’m likely looking at a couple months to a year to live. They made it definitely known to me the gravity of it all and how it really doesn’t look good. This scared the hell out of me.” Understandably.

She went for a third opinion – His advice to me was to make plans for my son after I pass. Since then, that’s what I’ve been focused on. I’m trying to find an adoptive family that is understanding of my situation. I’m trying to take as much time as possible to get to know and choose the right family. I believe I have possibly found suitable adopters. However, they live in Indiana currently (she lives in Nevada). 

In my all things adoption group, it was suggested that she look into Guardianship Assistance Programs. Those programs help you match with a family (usually foster or hopeful adoptive), AND do not terminate your parental rights. The Guardianship Assistance process keeps your identity on all vital records but allows for a custody transfer that you can be a part of as things change for you. The programs can be hard to find and navigate alone. Assistance in doing so was offered to her.

On Facebook, I see she has posted as recently as last month. Sending the healing energy of my heart her way. I cannot imagine . . . but this is a sad reality in our world that happens. In some of my own exploring, I learned about LINK>City of Hope that has been an important help in some difficult cases (like insurance refusing to cover a necessary procedure).

Why It Is Worth It

Today’s story is close to home and much like family but it is NOT my story.

I’m in the process of being re-adopted by my real mom. I met with my attorney today and learned some additional details about the process that I didn’t previously know. Had I known, I would have done this years ago. The laws vary by state but I wanted to share what I’ve learned in case it helps anyone else. It’s also something Hopeful/Adoptive Parents should know is possible and to behave accordingly.

For context, I’m a 36 year old domestic infant adoptee. Born and originally adopted in New York, I now live in Missouri, and my real mom now lives in Tennessee. The adoption is happening in Missouri. I was reunited at 17. My adoptive father made mistakes but took accountability for them. I loved him. He passed away recently. My female adopter is likely a narcissist but she doesn’t see it that way. She adopted because she was infertile. My 15 year old mother was coerced by the adoption industry. Several years ago, my female adopter actually told me that she understands that adoption caused pain and trauma for my mother and I but she feels it was worth it because it allowed her to be a mother. All of her actions indicate that my adoption was about her, her desires, and ownership of a child being “hers”.

In my state, only the person adopting me (my actual mother) and I need to consent to the adoption. No one else can prevent this from happening. My female adopter won’t be notified at all unless I personally decide to tell her. My adoptive father can remain my legal father. I can change my name as part of the process and my children’s birth certificates can be updated to reflect this. I didn’t know this or I would have changed my name years ago. The entire process is going to cost under $2,000 for everything because adoption is cheap when you’re not purchasing the adoptee. My current female adopter will become a legal stranger. The same process that made her my legal mother will now un-make her my mother. She will no longer be a mother or grandmother to anyone except in her own deluded mind. It’s doesn’t matter what she thought adopting me would mean. It’s doesn’t matter what the agency told her about what I’d grow up to feel. I refuse to participate. Adoption didn’t win. I don’t need her consent to purchase my freedom.

Credible About Foster Care

I’ve read a book about a woman’s experiences in foster care and in my all things adoption group I’ve seen many stories about really horrific foster care placements – of course, not all foster parents are that bad – but sadly, some are. They don’t have the love of a genetic, biological parent. LINK>Antwone Fisher suffered twelve years of abuse in his foster care home placement.

Born to a teenage mother in prison only a couple of months after his father was shot to death at a mistress’ apartment, the movie Antwone Fisher with Derek Luke and Denzel Washington depicts the horrific childhood he survived while in foster care. In the movie, homeless and on the street in Cleveland, he reconnects with a childhood friend and witnesses the shooting of that friend in a robbery attempt. At the age of 14, the real Antwone Fisher spent time in a penal institution for teenaged boys in western Pennsylvania, leaving at the age of 17.

Antwone entered the United States Navy, where he served his country for eleven years; nine years at sea, two ashore, four deployments and one forward deployment duty, stationed aboard  the USS St. Louis LKA 116. Denzel Washington is the naval psychiatrist in the movie who assists him in the emotional journey to confront his painful past. Ultimately with his psychiatrist’s prodding, he finally finds his first family and experiences the kind of fraught reception that some experience when confronting their first mother for answers about their abandonment. There is also a wonderful reunion with the extended family of Antwone’s deceased father.

He wrote a poem –

Who will cry for the little boy?
Lost and all alone.
Who will cry for the little boy?
Abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy?
He cried himself to sleep.
Who will cry for the little boy?
He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy?
He walked the burning sand
Who will cry for the little boy?
The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy?
Who knows well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy?
He died again and again.

Who will cry for the little boy?
A good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy?
Who cries inside of me

After his discharge from the navy, Antwone took a job with Sony Pictures Studios, working as a Security Officer for eight months, before he began writing the screenplay for his own story. On April 23, 2013. Antwone testified before the Senate Finance Committee for a hearing titled: The Antwone Fisher Story as a Case Study for Child Welfare.

Antwone has worked in Hollywood as a screenwriter for more than thirty years with an impressive fifteen film writing projects, script doctoring or script consultant assignments with the major studios. Antwone’s present screenwriting project is with Columbia Pictures. He is the screenwriter of his own story for the movie my family watched last night. I highly recommend it.

Placement Prevention

Stumbled on a US Government website that is a LINK>Review of Family Preservation and Family Reunification Programs. Both the preservation and when necessary, reunification, are close to my own heart.

A crisis intervention theory believes that crises are experienced for a short time (i.e., six weeks) before they disappear or are resolved. In the adoption related activist spaces I find myself frequently in – the saying is not to apply a permanent solution to a temporary situation. When I follow the story of an expectant mother worried about her ability to parent, if she hangs in there with parenting, the temporary situations that caused her such a deep concern do usually smooth out. Certainly, a philosophy of treating families with respect, emphasizing the strengths of family members, and providing both counseling and concrete services can make a genuine difference.

Family Preservation programs share a common philosophy of family centered services including focusing on family strengths, involving families in determining their case plan goals, serving the entire family, and treating family members with respect.  Some programs provide services to families whose children have been placed in foster care and therefore have a case plan goal of reunification. Though reunification efforts have received considerably less attention than placement prevention programs – both represent a related effort to reduce the length of stay in foster care and to prevent re-entry into the care system in cases where prevention of placement was not initially possible.

For those interested, this paper describes the “state of the family preservation field” and examines in greater depth the characteristics and operations of programs. The report analyzes 38 placement prevention and 26 reunification programs. Although the majority of families served by a family preservation program in most states were referred by the child welfare agency, few family preservation programs limited their caseloads to child welfare referrals. Referrals from juvenile justice and mental health agencies sometimes accounted for a significant percentage (i.e., more than 25 percent) of the families served.

Of the reunification programs examined, seven programs were an integral part of the placement prevention programs– that is, reunification cases were served by the same staff and received the same types of services as placement prevention cases. Services were mostly provided after the child had been returned home. In these programs that were part of a placement prevention program, the reunification program was based on the same theories of behavior and treatment.

If interested, you can continue reading their report at the link above.

Baby Box Push Back

I’ve written here before about Baby Boxes. The anonymous way to leave your baby that is popping up – not only all over the United States but all over the world. However, it appears that all is not well and good in Baby Box land and some activists are speaking out by making some realistic arguments.

Here is one example from Colorado (which seems to be out front of a lot of shifting perspectives these days). Lori Holden who writes as Lavender Luz recently testified at a hearing for Baby Boxes in Colorado. She has a lot to say – you can read it at this LINK>Colorado’s Baby Box Bill: My Testimony At The State Capitol.

It has occurred to me that Baby Boxes are a commercial business interest – the cost is $16,000 per box (plus maintenance) – while continuing an enduring failure to support mothers in crisis. And regardless of safety features, something could still go wrong related to the box itself. She notes “If we truly understood baby’s brains and what makes for secure attachment we would not encourage anonymous and impersonal Baby Boxes. We would encourage MORE connection for a vulnerable mother and her infant, not less. Baby boxes make this lifelong process of forming connection to self and others even more difficult by the disconnections inherent in such an impersonal dropoff.”

Lori shares another voice against Baby Boxes – LINK>Stop Baby Boxes Now which is “An adoptee-centered non-partisan website that serves as an educational source and tool to de-propagandize and deconstruct the Safe Haven Baby Box myth and movement.” Doubt the commercial interest ? – I found this LINK>A Scorched Earth Lawsuit – revealing. “The baby box company filed suit in Federal Court against the Miami-based traditional safe haven advocacy organization A Safe Haven for Newborns/Gloria Silverio Foundation, its founder and director Nick Silverio, the South Trail Fire Rescue District, and Amy Bollen, its public relations director, accursing them of slander, defamation, and “tortuous interference with contract or business.”

When I was trying to get original birth information for my mom, I did have brief contact with Gregory Luce – LINK>Boxes at Any Cost. He is a Minnesota-based lawyer and an adoptee rights activist. He is the founder of Adoptee Rights Law Center PLLC and the executive director of Adoptees United Inc.

The History of Adoption

She explains in LINK>Dame how the historical traumas of family separation have shaped contemporary adoption in the US. How infants and children are valued and for what purposes. And since I don’t believe in burying this country’s history of slavery, I was happy to see her highlight that “Many of America’s earliest relinquishing mothers were enslaved Black women whose children were often sold away from them.” 

Or how about this history ? Native American mothers fled to the hills with their children and grandchildren to hide from government officials intent on sending the children to military-run boarding schools. Also in the 19th century, poor white mothers in eastern cities, many of them immigrants, struggled to care for their children due to poverty, widowhood, illness, or simply having more children than they had the capacity to parent. They surrendered them to foundling homes or institutions that labeled the children “orphans” despite the fact they had living parents. 

Of course, Gretchen Sisson doesn’t neglect to mention the scandal of Georgia Tann of the Tennessee Children’s Home Society in Memphis (from whom my own mother was adopted).

A favorite adoptee writer, Tony Corsentino knows Sisson and by chance I received a notification – Relinquished, 1: The Adopter Hustle – from him about the book yesterday. He writes about the title of her book, that it is a verbal adjective for adoptees like him. He also notes that “In another sense, relinquishing parents are themselves relinquished: relegated, marginalized, generally voiceless in the joyful clamor that attends every new adoption.” He writes that – Gretchen notes in her book that “it is adopted and displaced people who have led movements for abolishing adoption as it is currently practiced.” He says further that “The book’s aim is to present the authentic voices of parents who have lost their children to adoption.”

Corsentino goes on to say – “. . . because its arguments are a crucial part of the case for reform and abolition of adoption, I regard this book as a landmark in the history of research on adoption, and one of the most valuable scholarly contributions to the struggle for adoptee justice in the entire history of that struggle.” In his essay, he shares an excerpt that makes the case that it is NOT either adoption or abortion. From pgs 63-64 of Sisson’s book – “women who’d recently had abortions found that none of them seriously considered adoption, mostly because they believed it would be too emotionally traumatic.”

“These feelings about adoption were equally held by focus groups of both “pro-choice” and “anti-abortion” women, all of whom considered adoption to be emotionally painful not just for mothers, but for the children who would be relinquished. In another study examining the decision-making of women who’d had an abortion, most of them were unequivocal in ruling out adoption, with one participant alluding to the flawed reasoning of anti-abortion advocates: I don’t want to give my child away to nobody, and I’m not … and that’s the part they don’t understand. I can’t just be bearing a child for 9 months, going through the sickness and then giving my child [away]. I can’t.“

Tony adds – “Our social world involves . . . Adoption agencies and hopeful adoptive parents (that )have become entrepreneurial; they hustle for birthparents.” “chasing pregnant people, luring them, seducing them.” They “use the techniques of search engine optimization to ensure that a wide range of phrases a person with an unplanned pregnancy might Google will call forth ads promoting relinquishment for adoption.”

Please DO read his entire essay !!

All They Need Is Some Support

I read today a bit about the LINK>OKC Crisis Nursery. They wrote – “We have had several moms reach out to see if we knew anyone that wanted to adopt their babies. After getting to know them better & talking it through, we realized they needed more support. That’s what we have given them. We do baby bags & help with car seats, all the essentials for one reason. We know how important it is to have everything babies need. It’s stressful when parents don’t have these things. If they want to keep their kids, we do everything we can to ensure that’s possible. We meaning you & us. You are our support system. We are amazed each and every day how much love comes in & out of these doors. We have families we can connect parents to if they do choose to go that route, but in the few we have helped recently, additional support is the route they chose.”

This is often all that is required to keep a family together. It is good to know there are good people doing that. They go on to note – “We have helped a few moms watch their babies a little longer than our usual 24 hour window. They need some additional support. DHS doesn’t need to get involved in these situations typically. We are here to prevent things from happening & these are reasons we are here.” If they see less babies on the news being abused (or dying), they know they have helped to make that possible.

The LINK>Vanessa Behan Crisis Nursery of Spokane WA was their inspiration.