Who’s Responsibility Is It ?

Today’s story – I’m a foster parent (blogger’s note – not my own). Currently two of my foster kids are pre-adoptive. There has been some frustration from the family towards me for not reaching out more to schedule plans. I don’t disagree- I’m not doing enough.

One response – Any situation in which someone is raising someone else’s children… THAT person is the one responsible for making plans and arranging meet ups and phone calls…. simple. You hold the power here. They are in a position where you can just disappear from their lives… they are at your mercy. You need to reach out. Every time. .. until you can make it COMFORTABLY known and fully understood by them that they are allowed to reach out to make plans and ask to see the kids…. even then, it’s still kinda your responsibility. They are at your mercy. Forever. So… you gotta keep it as a recurring calendar reminder or something. Reach out. Always. Once a week, same day, different day… whatever… you figure out. It’s on you.

Another suggested – Sit in your uncomfortableness with their assertiveness. It is not aggressiveness, its assertiveness. They have feelings and maybe they need you to be an ally for reuniting this family together. Ask them how you can help unite them more and leave your feelings out of it. Stop making it about you! Its not! It IS for them. Its their family. Its personal for them. Instead of standing in their way, grant them as much access as they want.

Another plainly states it – You hold all the power in this relationship. Of course they are upset that you aren’t maintaining the relationship. They probably don’t feel comfortable reaching out to make plans because they know you can cut them out anytime.

Going deeper, another person suggests – go back to the family for a little clarification on them wanting to take the kids but not being able to – does that possibly mean not being allowed to by Child Protective Services ? Check in with the family to see if your placement was somehow interfering with them being placed with family who might not be the state’s first choice because they might require welfare or food stamps or something more than you require in order to care for them. In that case, the state might have selected you because it benefits the state financially and that would be a real good reason for the family to be cranky. Just be sure that there is no stone left unturned for those kids possibly being able to be raised by their own family. It’s sad that adoption is so permanent because whatever obstacles they face in taking them in today might be resolved a few years down the line, but the kids lose that chance to go back to family once an adoption happens. If they remain fostered, that option would remain on the table.

An adoptee who has also functioned as a foster parent moderates by saying, I honestly feel like I can see both sides of this. They’re probably hurt they haven’t seen the kids as much as they would like but there’s a time and place to say things and in front of the children is not it (and that was part of the original post that the frustration was expressed in front of the kids). But I also know how crazy things can get with several kids, events, holidays etc and time goes by so quick that you didn’t even realize you forgot to reach out til it’s too late. I think the door goes both ways and they could’ve reach out kindly to you as well and let you know they’d like to include the children in their schedule. It doesn’t really make sense they’re too afraid to ask for time because they’re afraid you’ll cut them out but they’re not afraid to be rude to you (because that could also cut them off). I think there’s probably just a lot of raw feelings there and sometimes people say and do things when they’re upset without thinking it through. I’d explain things have been chaotic but you’d prefer that they approach you privately next time to not give the kids the wrong idea of everyone’s relationship or have little ears in adult conversations. Also let them know, that you’re more than willing to include the kids in their plans, if they reach out and let you know when, so they can be there for holidays/birthdays/events (and maybe that’ll help keep the bond from upset when you’re really busy and forget to reach out).

What If ?

If you are an adoptive parent, how would you answer ?

As a birthmom, I am entirely hopeful that when my child grows up, if he decides he wants to come home to me – they will let him. How would you feel if your adopted child does or doesn’t “bond” into your home or dynamic and STILL wants to return to their biological family ? Would you let them do it ? Would you let them be adopted back to their biological parent ? How would you feel ? What would you do if they were old enough to leave home legally and went back to their biological family ? (In some states you can leave at 16-17 and not be considered missing.)

Adoptive parent’s responses –

I would absolutely help them establish a bond with their natural family. Because it’s about them, not me. In my opinion, the more people who love a child / adult, the better. So why would I have any problem with that ? I hope you can reunite with your little one.

Absolutely! My two adoptive children came to us very young, but they knew about their family, pictures, we talked about them at home (although my daughter was afraid of them and didn’t like to talk about them), my daughter talked about them in therapy (Reactive Attachment Disorder and a variety of other mental health issues), etc. Her brother has a variety of cognitive and physical disabilities, but he would still look at pictures. My daughter has made contact with her mother, but as far as I know, hasn’t really established a relationship with her. I think that it’s really important for adoptive children to have the tools and supports necessary to connect with their family, and as adults, decide how to proceed.

From a foster parent in the process of adoption – I am a foster parent in the process of adoption. I am sure this is a very hard thing to process for adoptive parents. I have tried to educate myself about adoption trauma and how to parent my adopted child. I’m sure it would feel hurtful in one sense but also good to know that your child is able to have that relationship and not have to wonder about his biological family. I think a lot of it depends on the relationship between the adoptive and biological families. As long as both can be respectful towards each other and keep the child’s best interest number one, I think it can be a very good thing and exactly what the child needs. But, two adults fighting or pursuing a child to be one place or the other and not respectful of each other’s role in the child’s life, I think that could just cause more trauma for the child. I’m sure you would get a different answer from someone who hasn’t kept a relationship with the biological family or become adoption informed. Good luck and I hope you’re able to keep a relationship with your child and his adoptive parents !

If I Wasn’t Poor . . .

Poverty and homelessness are associated with the break-up of families. A number of studies have documented that children in families who experience homelessness frequently become separated from their parents.
~ National Institutes of Health Study

From LINK>Human Rights Watch –
“If I Wasn’t Poor, I Wouldn’t Be Unfit”

It has been more than two years since Adaline Stephens’ six children were removed from her care and placed in the foster system. Her nightmare began on a night like any other. Her 9-year-old son, Elijah, was dancing in the kitchen and slipped on some water, injuring his hip. “I rushed him to the emergency room when he got hurt,” Adaline said. “The doctors asked me questions, and I told them everything. I trusted them to help him.” Adaline was shocked when she learned that her son’s medical providers reported her to child protective services for suspected abuse, triggering a cascade of state interventions that irreparably harmed her children and their family bond.

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS) launched an investigation. A caseworker visited the children’s school and pulled them from class to question them, came to the home unannounced, and randomly strip searched the children, ages 1, 4, 7, 9, and 10, to check their bodies for signs of abuse. Adaline said these visits were so frightening for her children that her youngest child began screaming every time she saw anyone with a badge.

Adaline was required to take a drug test, a requirement often—and disproportionally—imposed on Black mothers. She has scoliosis and spina bifida. Her doctor prescribed Percocet for the pain, but it was damaging her liver and stomach lining. “I made the decision to change to medical marijuana, which was better for my health,” she said. She tested positive for THC (the active substance in marijuana, and the chemical responsible for most of its psychological effects). “They stated that my marijuana usage rendered me incapable of providing 24-hour care to my children,” she said.

Adaline knew what was at stake. She was removed from her own parents’ care as a child and grew up in the foster system. Afraid that her children would be taken from her, Adaline agreed to six months of follow-up with the caseworker, weekly drug testing, and parenting classes, in exchange for keeping her children home with her.

In the meantime, Adaline gave birth to her youngest child. The birth was complicated because of her spinal conditions, and she had to use a wheelchair and walker for two months. During that time, she rescheduled one of Elijah’s follow-up appointments. Adaline said DCFS told her they found bed bugs in a couch and holes in the walls in of her home. (Blogger’s note – it is like they look for any excuse . . .)

Days before her case was set to be reviewed, Adaline was informed that a judge had ordered the children be removed from her custody due to the condition of the home and because she rescheduled her son’s appointment.

Her children, including her infant son, were removed from her care, separated from each other, and placed in foster homes. Four of the six children have experienced abuse in the foster system and are coping with serious mental health impacts, Adaline said. One of her sons had to be admitted to a mental health facility for inpatient care. The children remain in the foster system at time of writing, and Adaline is fighting to get them back.

“This situation has caused me so much pain, anger, and trauma from the separation from my children,” she said. “I just want my purpose back. I knew I wanted to be a mother and that’s all I ever knew how to do. Please help me and my kids.”

The truth is – One in three children in the United States will be part of a child welfare investigation by age 18. Every three minutes a child is removed from their home and placed in the foster system. Black children are almost twice as likely to experience investigations as white children and are more likely to be separated from their families. As a result, more than 200,000 children enter the foster system each year.

While the US child welfare system’s stated purpose is to improve child safety, permanency and well-being, and child welfare workers believe they are defending children’s rights to health and life, but too often system interventions too often unnecessarily disrupt family integrity and cause harm to the very children they aim to protect.

Entrustment Ceremony

Not the best image but it gets the point across.

From the LINK>Lifetime Adoption website – For many birth parents, trusting a new couple with their precious baby can feel almost impossible. Additionally, both birth parents and adoptive parents often want to feel a sense of closure with their respective adoption journeys. For these reasons, many families like to celebrate adoption with a special entrustment ceremony.

Many find commemorating their child’s transition from birth family to adoptive family to be a powerful experience. In the past, some adoptive parents would welcome a new child into their home with a “welcome home” party or baby shower. Some would hold a naming ceremony or baptism. But the entrustment ceremony carries special meaning, because it involves both of the child’s families.

The ceremony can look however those involved want it to. If both families live in the same area, they might hold an entrustment ceremony at a local chapel or park. Some families hold the ceremony at a church. Usually, the ceremony begins with the birth parents talking about how they chose the adoptive parents and why they trust them with the care of their child. Then, the adoptive parents talk about the love they will have for the baby. They may also make promises for the future in the form of vows. You can talk about anything you’d like, including your feelings of trust and respect for each other.

Many will add a reading or song to the ceremony. The text is often religious, such as a passage from the Bible. Or, it could even be from a favorite book. The intention is to express their hope, happiness, and love in a poetic and meaningful way. Christian families may pray over the child and for each of the families. Some ceremonies involve lighting candles similar to the lighting of a unity candle in a wedding ceremony. Each parent or set of parents uses a lit candle to light a larger candle together. The ritual is a metaphor for the joining of two families in a unique way.

For birth parents, the ceremony allows them to have closure for what may have been a very difficult decision. The service provides a positive ending instead of a sad one. It allows each person the chance to say their piece. It will enable the participants to feel like the process is final, and they have said everything they wanted to say. Nobody will end up feeling like they have unfinished business. One fact stays the same: everyone participating loves the child and wants the best for him or her.

Doing A Good Work

A woman writes – I wanted to thank the adoptees in this group for what you have done. (Blogger’s note – I usually do not post a link to that group but if you are wanting to know about it, ask and I will point you in that direction.)

A little about me – I joined the group early this year as a hopeful adoptive parent because I was curious about your perspectives having never really heard them in the mainstream. My personal philosophy is that the internet’s best use is to help platform voices of marginalized people. This group continues to impress me with the rules and moderators who protect adoptees’ voices – in all my perspective-hunting, I have not seen an equal to this group and recommend it to everyone at any mention of adoption. You all taught me SO much.

Earlier this year (about 2 months after joining the group) I learned of a young mother in my area with a 2-year-old and 6-week-old who was homeless. Her parents attempted to weaponize the state against her to take her children. With all your voices in my head, another woman with a heart for our community and I started a group to support our homeless population, with my own focus being the many young mothers with no safety net (we have shelters for single men in my area but nothing for women or children).

Our young mother is now flourishing; she has a home, a job, and a support system. She has a PFA (Protection from Abuse) order against her parents and is legally protected. She wanted to pay it forward, and helped us support another young pregnant woman who was prepared to give up her child – instead, Mom #1 threw her a baby shower and held her hand through every step of the process. Now that baby is thriving happily with his momma, and she wants to help pay it forward to the next mother.

Because of your emotional labor, there are 3 children still with their mothers and a support system in my community to protect future mothers and help struggling ones. There are at least 4 more mothers who thought they couldn’t do it but are now off the streets and have their kids at home with them. Christmas with all these families was an absolute blessing; we were able to get all the kids gifts without their mothers having to dip into their funds. Someone dressed up as Santa to deliver them. A lot of the moms cried because they never expected to see the holidays with their kids.

You made that possible. (Blogger’s note – and any person who has the desire could do as much.)

You Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Today’s story – The fact that my own family is willing to take me to court just so my child won’t be raised in a gay household feels triggering and judgmental to me.

There’s more – I went from being pregnant and planning to place for adoption, to revoking the agreement on the 29th day (my last day to change my mind), to seeing and connecting with my baby (she’s 3 months old), to now – re-doing the adoption agreement. Blogger’s note – So, such a conflicted mom with a very complicated situation !!

My family is threatening to file for custody to prevent me from placing baby girl for adoption and I keep trying to communicate how HARD it is to make the decision to place for adoption at all. Yet, it’s equally hard to raise a child when you don’t WANT to – [1] The lack of love and [2] The lack of connection and support is…serious. I would love to understand why my biological family members feels it’s soooo vital the child remains with their family.

I don’t want the usual fear-based thoughts such as “They’ll wonder why their parents gave them up“ or “They’ll resent their biological parents” or you as the biological mom may not have contact in the future. What I would like is suggestions that are soul/loving based reasons.

Blogger’s note – I clearly did not entirely understand the original comment – it seems the “gay” household is the hopeful adoptive parents and not the woman who gave birth. Someone responding noted that this person is asking for an answer as to why adoption to strangers would be a negative for their child and for help seeing past their trigger about the hopeful adoptive families’ orientation.

Another notes – It’s not about her “needs”, it’s about what is best for the child. That’s what you do when you have a baby, what’s best for the child. It may be best for her not to raise it, if she’s too selfish to put the child first but that doesn’t mean she should rob this child of a real family. She adds, Please learn about birth control, ABSTINENCE, and abortions. Stop birthing babies and letting them be sold because you don’t “feel like” being a parent.

Another said this – I see you have another child also. If you allow this younger child to be adopted by non-family, your first child will always wonder if she is next. She also seems to have a bond with her sister. Are you willing to break that bond – traumatizing both of them?

Some other responses –

One adoptee – don’t birth kids you don’t want. I for one would have rather been aborted than given up for adoption and I have seen many other adoptees agree with this statement. Then this, you have already set this child up for feelings of being unwanted by its creator, you. You kept a child you birthed already but want nothing to do with this one, who will grow up to be a fully functioning adult human, who will fully understand that you chose to keep one kid but not them. Are you 100% done with having kids? If not, think about how you would feel if the person who created you kept the kids they birthed before and after you; but not you. Please just put yourself in the shoes of your baby and try to empathize with the heartache you are creating for their entire life. I have absolutely no problems with queer couples adopting kids; but if there is ever a chance for family to adopt, even if it is a 3rd cousin you have never met, it is always better to have some kind of familial connection associated with adoption than no familial connection at all. Period.

Another woman said – The TRUTH is scary. You’re going to have to face the fear-based answers to your question, if you’re going to ask questions like this. Adoptees are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than our kept peers. And that’s statistical truth. I know, I was recently hospitalized for suicidal ideation. I’m an adoptee (and mother of loss via Child Protective Services). The truth IS scary. There’s no sugar coating it. Did you also know that adoption changes our DNA ? It’s called epigenetics and it makes us more prone to catastrophic illnesses like cancer or autoimmune disorders. Keeping your child within the family will go a distance to prevent many of these problems for that child. Giving that baby up to strangers is a selfish decision.

Before It’s Too Late

No easy answers to today’s story – I was adopted at birth. Back in 2009, my birth mother was contacted by the adoption agency on my behalf about initiating contact. I was about 27 at the time. She told them it was too hard for her to open up that part of her life again, cried and said I’m loved and hopes I’m happy and healthy and provided a brief family medical history. In her defense, they called her at work out of the blue.

I’ve left it at that the last 15 years. Part of me respected her position on it and had empathy, part of me obviously felt so confused and rejected, and part of me is still mad that it’s all her decision. Through the craziest of circumstances and coincidences, I’ve learned that I know multiple people that know her (she has no idea I know who she is) and have been blessed with the vast majority of my questions answered and I know a lot about her and her family. Recently, someone told me they think she’s going through cancer treatment. Been thinking about reaching out and wondering if anyone has done that after being shut down in the past.

One who was adopted by their stepfather writes – I didn’t find out I was adopted by who turned out to be my stepdad until I was 26 and fully by accident. I reached out to my birth dad and was shut down. Years later I, found out through the grapevine he has leukemia. In my heart, I was wanting to help him, so I reached out again. This time the door was slammed so hard that I never emotionally recovered. Based solely on my personal experience, my advice is she meant what she said and leave it or risk being hurt again.

Another adoptee writes – I was rejected by my biological mom after we had been in reunion and I’m not sure I’ve ever recovered either. I’m so sorry. I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone. It sucks that it’s this club we are in!

Another adoptee suggests – What if you had someone reach out on your behalf, like a mediator? I think you will always wonder. You know what the worst case scenario is… get comfortable with it (as much as one can) and then go for it.

And another adoptee also – I’d take the risk, because you may never get a second chance. At least then, you’ll know either way how it plays out.

The original person responds – yeah, you’re probably right. I found my biological dad and family this year and just reached out to my brother on social media without a second thought. I was nervous but just said F it and did it. It’s been great! But, I do feel the parent relationship and particularly the mom is far more complicated on both sides.

Then one from experience – I say do it. My mother died of cancer and I was sorry that we never made peace before she passed. If she doesn’t want to connect with you, at least you tried and you will have that much peace with the circumstances.

A transracial adoptee writes – I would try again. Definitely be prepared for rejection, though. Both of my bios seemed interested in a relationship, then changed their minds. It is pretty awful and heartbreaking.

One who grew up in foster care writes – I didn’t meet my biological father until I was an adult and I put it off when I was 18 because I wasn’t ready. Sadly, he died 2 years later and I do wonder if I should have been more open and met earlier, we would have had more time. The bottom line is, because you’re asking and wondering, you don’t seem to have complete closure, and you deserve that. No matter the outcome, if you try again and even say everything you want to say, maybe write a letter, and get to say that you just want to get to know her with no expectations or that you’re not upset with her or whatever you truly feel, or that you won’t ever reach out again but you had to try one last time… whatever you want to say … get it off your chest, give yourself that chance and that closure.

The original person responds – Yes, this is exactly what I’ve wanted to do for the last 15 years. Not knowing exactly how to know – did she even receive my request ? When the agency recapped the conversation, it felt like she thought I was gunning for her. Like I was showing up to say, “why did you do this to me?” She got pregnant her senior year and I’ve seen pictures of her at that time. She was such a child and I strongly feel she didn’t have a choice in the matter. There are so many things I want to tell her but I want to be certain she sees it, so I’m not wondering about that forever.

A birth mother adds a hopeful and realistic note – A lot can change in 15 years. She might really want to be reunited right now but life keeps getting in the way. Or maybe she doesn’t want to burden you with her recent diagnosis.

The Lies They Will Tell

Rich people buy poor women’s babies. It’s a fact and a reality in our capitalistic society. This NOT my own story but illustrates the deception someone who wants your baby will lay on you.

A random sad revelation about my child’s adoptive family. Today my Christmas gift finally got to their address. They live in NY and I’m in NC. The Amazon driver confirmed the drop off with a picture. When I saw the double doors, it crushed my heart because it turns out they’re wealthy. It felt like I’d been slapped in the fucking face.

When I thought about not going through with the adoption. The hopeful adoptive mother actually cried. She broke down in front of me saying “how will we afford ?”

I see these double doors now and think – there’s no way in hell you’re asking how you’ll afford something.

So okay, I am curious by nature. And I have their address. I’ve looked up the house on Google maps. It never occurred to me how rich they were – until now. And I looked up their house on Zillow. Call me obsessed, I don’t care.

They have a freaking 6 bedroom house with a finished basement in New York. They have a driveway, a back patio, a huge front porch and a front facing 2nd level patio.

The fact that she actually broke down in front of me, talking about how difficult it was to afford the hospital stay and fees. I can’t fucking believe she pulled that stunt with the 19 year old me. I can’t believe I fell for it.

It tears me apart on the inside, when I see the house on maps…. 2019 it was for sale. 2020 it sold for 1.28 million. In 2021, they took my baby. In 2022, I see baby toys are on the upper front porch.

I’m so disheartened and sad. I don’t even know if I can speak to them anymore. I don’t know what I would say because I’d definitely want to talk about it.

Is It Wonderful Or Painful ?

A trans-racial adoptee complained about the all things adoption group I belong to. She said – It seems this is a group about hating adoption. Not at all what I thought I was joining. Adoption is wonderful and painful. It’s not more one than the other. It isn’t only bad. If you choose to only see bad, you’re missing the true picture. So far no actual adoptees weighed in on the thread I was in, only those who cannot speak to what being adopted is like. That’s like white people trying to tell people what other races feel like. You can’t! Nothing I love more than people who haven’t been adopted telling me what it’s like.

Maybe I can unpack that a bit. First of all the group is NOT about hating adoption but a sincere desire for some reforms. Yes, it is a mixed up kind of experience. From what I know, wonderful perhaps . . . if there was real disfunction for the original genetic, biological parents. Yes, it definitely can be that sometimes a child is better off elsewhere. Most of the reforms that adoptees are seeking have to do with transparency and hiding their true origins from them one way or another – either adoptive parent lying and pretending like they gave birth to the child or simply the way the courts and adoption system insist on altering birth certificates and usually changing the child’s name. A trans-racial adoptee is someone who has been adopted by parents who come from a different culture. That’s usually a difficult situation for the adoptee, as I have read in the words of adoptee’s own voices many times. I don’t know what thread she was indicating but this particular post received 72 comments, so I doubt that it lacked genuine adoptee voices and perspectives. I do understand as a white person who did spend a significant amount of time during the Black Lives Matter protests educating myself, that no matter how much I learn, I have not lived as a Black person nor experienced the realities of their lives and would never try to claim I understood, only that I have tried to become more informed.

It’s true – I was not adopted (thankfully – I think in my case that was a close call – when my high school student, unwed mother conceived me). Both of my parents were adopted. I know somewhat more about how my mom felt about it than my dad. Because my dad was not sympathetic to my mother’s need for knowledge and seemed to simply accept his status, my mom confided in me. The loss was my father’s because his half-sibling was living only 90 miles away when he died and could have told him so much about his mother.

Both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and both have made it back to my family in seeking their own roots. I think that for both, what they learned answered some of the questions they had before they met us. I love them both dearly and they seem to have in their own ways resolved their own issues.

Never would I say that adoption does not include some degree of trauma. For myself, after over 60 years of knowing nothing about my grandparents and my cultural genetics, it means the world to me to know a LOT of those details now – closed and sealed adoptions kept that information not only from my adoptee parents but from me as well.

The Story of an Open Adoption

Short on time, as is usual on Tuesdays. So I am just sharing a birth mother’s story.

Initially, I had the most open adoption experience with my son’s adoptive family. Saw him the day after we left the hospital, at least weekly for the first three years of his life and so often since. He’s nearly 21 and is close with me and my family. For years I would have called his adoptive mother one of my best friends. But we have no relationship now and I’ve been angry for a long time.

It started when I started listening to adoptees, began to understand the trauma, and told her I regret not parenting. We continued our relationship but I felt things change that day. Then, I left our previously shared faith. She was not able to continue after that and asked for a “step back” in our friendship. I didn’t know what that looks like. She crushed me when she said “we’re not family”. I literally felt broken.

But after that, I began to be able to see old things more clearly. I could look back on my pregnancy and see how coerced and unsupported I was. I kept a journal from that time, so even though memories are tricky, I have evidence of some of this. I wrote how badly I wanted to parent. I wrote about the time she (the adoptive mother) asked how she could pray for me and I said “pray that God will let me keep my baby”.

The adoptive parents were family friends, so I already knew them but they never offered me any support other beyond taking my child. She knew childcare was my biggest obstacle. She was a stay at home mom. She had already given the gift of childcare to another young single mom previously. She had the ability to help me with my biggest obstacle and supposedly prayed for me and supported my choice – but she never considered helping me.

The thing is back then I believed the rainbows and unicorns narrative of adoption. I didn’t know what I didn’t know and I didn’t go looking. Obviously, I understand now that we should always listen to the people most impacted in order to learn about a thing. (To learn about homelessness, we need to listen to unhoused people). And I have no excuse for not knowing that back then. But I didn’t. And she didn’t know about family preservation either (although she knew a little about the trauma he would experience).

My sister also offered me childcare and then rescinded her offer because she believed it was “God’s will” that I choose adoption and she didn’t want to encourage me to go against God’s will. We have since talked through a lot of this. My sister is willing to listen, has remorse and regret and has asked me to forgive her.

Even though my family was coercive and unsupportive, I continue to have a relationship with them but I want nothing to do with my boy’s adoptive mother. She continues to give me Christmas gifts every year (sends them through him) but I give her the cold shoulder, since she asked for a change in relationship.

But bitter and angry isn’t who I want to be, so I was thinking last night about what a reconciling with her might look like. And I know what it would take. I would need her to say “I didn’t know what family preservation was back then. I thought we did what was best when you decided to relinquish. I’m sorry I didn’t support you in parenting like I could have. Imagine what a beautiful thing we could have done together – our family supporting yours.” I don’t think that will ever happen and obviously those words can’t take away the loss and the pain – ALL the missing times. But those words could allow us to form a new relationship I think.

I’m NOT talking about my son here. He and I talk openly but he isn’t sure how he feels yet, isn’t ready to acknowledge or talk openly about trauma. I’m not ignoring his feelings but I won’t put the words in his mouth. I just want you to know that I’m not forgetting about him. He’s the most important piece – but this is about my relationship with her.