2024 – May It Be A Good One

I will still be here throughout the coming year. I hope that reforms to how adoption is practiced and foster care is administered continue to progress and make lives better for biological, genetic parents and the children they conceive and birth.

So for 2024, I wish – May all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering. May all beings rejoice in the well-being of others. May all beings live in peace, free from greed and hatred. In this way, the four immeasurables are a path for reforms.

If you don’t want your happiness to impede that of someone else, practice the four immeasurables – loving kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity.

No Leniency

Sadly, it happens. A woman was sentenced to prison and is due to deliver in 6 weeks. She had hoped for leniency, but that didn’t happen. The minimum is a 15 year sentence, her earliest parole is 2031. She has no family who can take the baby (or be approved to take the baby) and she doesn’t know who the dad is. Her only option is foster care or adoption. She has been told by her attorney and by Child Protective Services (CPS) that CPS will need to sign off on any placement she picks. Due to her crimes and what happened, 99% of her friends have backed away from her, so there are no friends willing to take her baby. CPS will be notified the minute the baby is born and will take custody. She has a public defender for an attorney, admitted guilt and took a plea to get the minimum available.

One response – access to information is going to be the first step. Make certain she fully understands how her institutionalization will impact the kid’s systemic involvement. But you have to be up front and realistic. Once she is in the custody of the state, she has very minimal legal rights over the child because she’s classified as a dependent of the state and that’s always been their tool to remove or restrict civil rights and liberties from people. Her child will be adopted, if there are zero kin to step up for the baby. There’s not a state in the country that wouldn’t move for a termination of parental rights for an incarcerated parent with such a long sentence. This is a tragic situation where there are basically no options. Her rights will be terminated and the child will be adopted.

Someone else noted that foster care and adoption are likely not actually her only options. Depending on how involved the state already is (hopefully less because the child isn’t born yet) she can likely assign a non-family legal guardian through the duration of her prison stay. Legal advice ASAP is crucial. In my state, she would be able to sign power of attorney over as soon as baby is born and keep the Dept of Family Services from even stepping in – as a temporary situation at first, until a guardianship could be set up.

Yet, it is noted that because of the situation and history, CPS must approve the placement chosen and her attorney has said the chances of them even considering a private placement outside of an adoption are almost zero.

One person noted that even the most distant of relatives may feel compelled to help, if she gets the word out that she’s searching for someone with any familial connection to assume guardianship of the child. She shared this story – I know of a family who wound up adopting a child because the parents’ rights were terminated – child was put in foster care because no one in the family would or could take the child. The adopting family only found out about the child through the grapevine because of a very distant familial connection – it was one of the adoptive parent’s distant cousin’s or great uncle’s great-grandchild or something crazy like that. The adoptive parents didn’t personally know the parents and had no knowledge the child even existed but was able to get the child out of the system because of the very distant familial relationship. They felt compelled to get the child out of the system because even though they didn’t know the child or parents – the child was “family.” These adoptive parents were also past the age of “typical” parents – they have grown kids and are old enough to have grandkids or great grandkids.

One brings up the possibility of a conditional surrender. She would still have visits with baby until adoption and she could do the terms of a surrender to require legally binding visits until baby is 18. It is an agreement between parent and adopters (both sides have to agree to the terms). If adopters don’t follow the agreement, the parent can take them to court. As far as what the courts can/will do, that is an open question until it happens but the courts do have the power to enforce it because it’s a legal agreement. However, sadly all it takes is the adopters with a good child psychologist to go back to the judge later on and say it’s detrimental to the child to continue those visits.

And maybe it won’t actually be 15 years. One shared – What we learned after the fact having had no experience with the prison system, our son’s mother was sentenced for 15 yrs in federal with no option for parole. We assumed there was no leniency based on what her lawyer said. Now at 3 years in, she only has about 2-4 years left. I would highly recommend temporary guardianship.

And then there was this story with a happier ending – Someone I know ran multiple ancestry databases on her newborn because she was facing prison time with no viable caregiver in her family. She had casual flings during that period with no way to contact the potential fathers. She was able to narrow it down to a family. Several awkward phone calls later, she found the father. He eventually took custody (I think his brother and sister-in-law were involved for a bit too and they were foster parents, so an easier time of getting CPS approval initially, while the formal paternity testing was being done. She gave birth while out on bond before her trial. This process may be harder if the person you are helping has the baby in a jail or prison setting where she cannot access DNA kits. And the reply was – sadly, she is already incarcerated. And so this – Some states allow lawyers to petition for a DNA sample from the baby to narrow down paternity. She may need to work with a legal team knowledgeable about foster care and incarceration. I know it’s a long shot, but if it pans out the baby may have the possibility to be with relatives.

Why Does It Surprise You ?

From a Transracial Infant Adoptee – When you adopt, you are not disillusioned to the reality of privilege. In a lot of cases, you know the situation surrounding the reason adoption is being chosen, and the circumstances. So when your adult adoptees eventually come back and question everything, why does it surprise you ? Why is there such a need to gaslight them about the truth behind their origins ? Or determine the narrative for them ? You knew coming into all of this where they came from and you should have known the trauma you would be placing on them, if you participated. So why is it such a shock when they decide to see the child trafficking for what it is ? Or the fact that you gained from the tearing apart of a family ? As an adult adoptee, all of the above truly does baffle me. If anything, I would expect adoptive parents to be the most sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals that they could be. Rather than shocked, butt hurt & defensive about a situation they themselves created. Especially in regards to the child fully recognizing what the industry is and the trauma it intentionally inflicts.

One adoptee responded – I think they forget that we grow up ! Oh, and of course, they believe they are different.

The original poster wanted responses from adoptive parents and one answered – In all 3 of my cases, I knew the circumstances as they were told to me. 2 cases ended up being much worse and one was slightly different. My adult adoptees have not come back to question because they were told their story from birth, and retold as often as they wanted to hear it. As adults, the two older ones have been in contact with birth family. They were given all the truths I knew. Yes, we knew that raising adopted children would cause them different emotions, thought, feelings than raising biological children. Not one of my 3 have compared their adoption to child trafficking, so I have not had that shock to deal with. I have admitted since the first day I held my first child all that I have gained. The biological moms were not teenagers and were not without resources. All of the adoptive parents I personally know are sympathetic, empathetic and empowering individuals. I know that is not true in all cases. I’m so very sorry that so many adoptees have had such traumatic experiences. And I’m thankful that there are groups where adoptees can share what they experienced with others to lean on. There are times when adoption is the best solution for a child to have a stable home. If anyone comments, I will gladly respond.

Another adoptee suspects – Some adoptive parents are so blinded by their “need” for a child that they become deluded and believe that the adoptee is truly “as if born to” and should gratefully play along with their own delusion. They don’t want to discuss the adoptee’s start in life and family because it threatens their delusion.

And one who was in foster care from birth and then put into a forced adoption at age 10 during the LINK>Baby Scoop Era in a closed adoption writes – I also think that too many adoptive parents (and hopeful adoptive parents) really do not recognize the crucial part that they play in an adoption – the rewards are theirs – the power dynamics are theirs too (once the adoption is finalized and they get what they wanted, including name changes, erasure of first family and a new birth certificate that proclaims them as the owners). They keep telling themselves that they are doing it all in the ‘best interests of the child’ (or baby). But is it really ? Could they have imagined a different way to help ? To care for and love ? Could they have fought harder for Legal Guardianship instead ? Can they make the promise that they will do everything possible (and really mean that) ASAP to discover the child’s natural family, heritage, family medical information and to keep the child’s own culture and needs truly front and center as a focus, while that is child is being raised outside of their own genetic, biological family ? Unless an adoptive parent is willing to go all in and do that – they will be shocked when the youth (or adult adoptee) scorns or derides their actual intent notes that they are an integral part of the broken system that helps to keep it chugging along.

Infants In Need Of Homes ?

That there are infants in need of homes is just one of the lies the adoption industry perpetuates to keep the money flowing in their direction. If what you really want to do is help marginalized or at risk mothers and children, find out how you can offer support within your local community.

One example from a quick google search yielded The Conrad N Hilton Foundation’s efforts (with the help of other local funders) through an initiative – LINK>Strengthening At Risk and Homeless Young Mothers and Children – that ran from 2007-2011. That initiative sought to improve the housing, health, and development of homeless and at-risk mothers and children by supporting locally-based partnerships that included housing/homelessness and child development agencies, as well as those that address family preservation, domestic violence, mental health, substance use and other support services for the target population. The Initiative’s desired impacts were not limited to clients alone; it also aimed to integrate systems and disseminate knowledge in order to improve services for families not directly enrolled in its programs.

If you google – “Helping At Risk Mothers and Children” – you will come up with many many organizations and state level efforts seeking to make a difference.

This all started because a woman wants to make the choice to adopt, not out of lack but as a personal choice, because infertility is not an issue for her. The perspective is – keep a child whose parents gave up or died or something else in order for that child not to be jumping from one foster to another until they age out but actually have a place to call home. One commenter noted – sounds like you have a savior complex. Very often such a desire does drive adoption choices.

Someone else tried to insert some reality – What you’ve heard and read about there being so many children in need of homes is a lie made up by the adoption industry. Really. It’s a MULTI BILLION dollar industry per year. The fact that you said that you didn’t want to go through an agency because of corruption – I think that’s what you said? tells me that you need to do more research. What little oversight there is happens with agencies that are required to be accountable (such as it is) to the government, state, etc. There are SOME rules. Without that, it’s a complete free for all. The women are lied to, you’re lied to and the child is the one that pays the price with trauma over a lifetime.

When you push back by saying that anyone who has something to say that you don’t like as being just negative – well, that’s really unkind of you and just not fair. Adoptees are the victims of adults who make choices about them without their control. With adoption, there will ALWAYS be attachment from the child to their biological families. These children have mannerisms, looks, hobbies, etc will be inherited from the biological family. Experts now know that children are not blank slates from birth.

As an example, the child I surrendered was during the closed era. Contact was impossible during her childhood but when we did reunite ? She has my mannerisms, she sounds exactly like me on the telephone and more. She even flips her hair out of her eyes, just like I do. Her passions in life are those of my family and her biological father, do not come from her adoptive parents. This is just a fraction of things to consider.

If you want to help others, you can donate to families that are in need, rather than just the babies or children. It would be terrific if you do that. It would not require you to separate a family and deal with all the things that you don’t want or need to deal with. Donate money or volunteer your time. There’s so many ways to help others that don’t make things worse, where you can really be of service.

Fulfilling My Purpose

I shared a different graphic with this same quote from Mark Twain on my Facebook page today. I noted that I’m glad to feel like I fulfilled my purpose in life (reconnecting the broken threads to my genetic biological grandparents). And I added that I had no idea if there really is much left for me to do with my remaining years but as I yet breathe, I’m certain to continue speaking out.

Even though I absolutely would not exist – if it were not for adoption (both of my parents were adoptees), I use this space to share the uncomfortable realities about the impact of adoption on adoptees and offer suggestions that I hope may help some woman in a challenging pregnancy to reconsider her decision to give her baby up for adoption and perhaps help some adoptive or foster parents do a better job with a situation that already exists. My daughter says if seems as if I am on a mission with this blog and I will readily admit it is true. Having not been given up for adoption myself when I could have easily been (my mom was unwed and still in high school when I was conceived) and knowing what I now know about the for profit adoption industry, I do feel that as long as I can think of anything to say about the practice as it exists today, I will continue to post blogs here as often as each day.

Late Discovery Humor

2006 Movie – Relative Strangers

This is NOT a serious blog today but last night we watched the 2006 movie – Relative Strangers. Since Netflix ceased sending us dvds by mail, I visit our local library every Tuesday to return the dvds I checked out the previous week and pick 5 new ones. I selected this movie ONLY because the box suggested a strong adoption related theme.

Though much criticism has been leveled against the movie’s use of “hillbilly white trash” tropes, I did find several aspects “true” to what I know about adoption at this point. I will quickly point out that before I started learning the “realities” after locating all of my actual genetic, biological grandparents in the year following the deaths of both of my parents, who were both adoptees but died knowing next to nothing about their own roots due to closed and sealed adoptions, I was as much in the fog of the feel good stories about adoption as anyone could ever be. Most of my childhood, I believed my parents were actual orphans. I had no idea there were people out there living their lives with no knowledge of me that I was actually biologically and genetically related to.

I do know at least one late discovery adoptee and have read about others, so Richard learning he was adopted after he was already in his 30s seems true enough to reality to me. Also, his adoptive parents have a biological genetic son who is malicious towards his adopted brother. Have read stories like that from actual adoptees as well.

Richard’s effort to discover who his actual birth parents were and his liberal fantasies about that seem to ring true as well. Many adoptees (especially in childhood) fantasize who their original first parents were. His meeting with the actual birth parents also mirrors some of the “failed” reunions I have read about. One of the sweetest moments comes when Richard discovers the heart shaped locket his birth mother wears has an infant photo and the missing button from his teddy bear’s eyes (the only clue to his identity after he was abandoned).

Also his actual parents reminded me of the biblical story because they cared more about their son’s well-being than their own desire to have a relationship with him. In the biblical story, two women both claim a child is their own. King Solomon orders the baby be cut in half, with each woman to receive one half. The first woman accepts the compromise as fair, but the second begs the king to give the baby to the other. She prefers her baby lives, even without her. Solomon gave the baby to the second woman with the selfless love. This story always tugged at my heart growing up.

As a writer, for me, some of the funniest parts of the movie relate to Richard’s chosen profession as a psychologist who has written a book on Anger Management – “Ready Set Let Go”. Reality, and having to come to terms with that reality, challenge his own method of controlling anger. His real mother and father are his worst nightmare: rude, loud, obnoxious, crude and of a lower class than his snooty adoptive parents.

As the child of 2 adoptees, I lived some of that strange kind of contrast. My mom’s adoptive parents were a banker and socialite. My dad’s adoptive parents were conservative religious rural down to earth people with very limited financial resources. Until much later in my adulthood, my mom’s adoptive mother was never in the same room with my dad’s adoptive parents (her adoptive father died when I was barely 20 years old). By the time I learned who my original grandparents were, those ancestors I was genetically related to had all died. All I know of them is second-hand, mostly from the cousins I now know I am actually genetically related to and who had real life experiences with those people who conceived my parents.

Regrets Are Strong On Holidays

Shared by a mother who surrendered her child to adoption –

Being a birth mother SUCKS during seasons and special times like these, whilst we also have children being raised by other families. I honestly feel its getting harder and harder as the years go by. I’m truly struggling more to handle the fact as the years go by, the older she gets, the more this pain keeps going. “It’ll be okay” but truthfully, it never has been. The pain can seriously be way too much because we’re just wishing things were different.

All I want to do is watch my 11 year old daughter open her presents because Santa came and listen to her voice, her giggles and see her smile, and just be happy. There’s that piece, the little spot, that hole, the little place that is missing and needs to be put back. I hate that it won’t ever be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful she’s safe. I was unstable and couldn’t parent when I was 19. Then it happened, and she was taken away due to domestic violence and I being controlled by that. Now I’m stable and healthy but I am still missing out on my child’s life. I’m thankful she has a safe home now but it’s not mine, I wish it was so badly!

I cant even send a little message to say Happy Birthday because it’s a closed adoption! All these rules drive me crazy! Just a single cuddle. ANYTHING! The years are getting harder and harder and I’m not coping. I wish I didn’t have to live with this, feel this. But sadly I am, I wish I could remember her smell. OMG, I miss her so much.

But anyway, Merry Christmas everyone. Merry Christmas to my beautiful daughter who unfortunately isn’t at home. And Merry Christmas to all the lovely and kind people who can understand a mom’s feelings regarding a missing child.

Times Laws Change, Loop Holes

A woman shared this morning – “Adult American Indian Adoptee: The judge unsealed my records this morning. Thank you for your prayers and support.”

The granddaughter of an Orphan Train Adoptee (LINK>The Orphan Train Movement was a supervised welfare program that transported children from crowded Eastern cities of the United States to foster homes located largely in rural areas of the Midwest. The orphan trains operated between 1854 and 1929, relocating from about 200,000 children.) She commented – As someone who lives in Dallas/Fort Worth, I’m super happy for you and impressed. Tarrant County’s courts are not friendly places for anyone who doesn’t work for the government.

To which the happy woman replied – The district clerk made the process quite easy to understand. Bailiff and Judge were pretty friendly as well. And the granddaughter replied – That’s so good to hear! I hope this helps pave the way for other adoptees. Your information should never have been kept from you.

The happy woman noted – I thought it was impossible 10 years ago and gave up. Times change, laws change, loop holes. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

Blogger’s note – This is great advice. My mom was refused her adoption file when she asked for it. She even fought back saying that her adoption was “inappropriate” but then gave up. She tried in the early 1990s. Unfortunately, she was just a little “early” because later in the 1990s, the law was changed for victims of Georgia Tann’s scandalous placement of children. Not only for the adoptees but by the time I found out (after my mom had already died in 2015) descendants were also allowed to request and receive the file. Go here for the Tennessee Dept of Children’s Services – LINK>Adoption Records.

Our Noche Buena

The Spanish phrase means a good night. Really, Christmas Eve is more important to me now than Christmas Day (though I will bake whole wheat Cinnamon rolls for the family tomorrow). We are preparing to move to New Mexico from Missouri after this property sells. Everything is disrupted here this year. It is sort of a Grinchy Christmas with no tree, stockings or gifts this year.

My mom had a really nice antique nativity. We didn’t put baby Jesus in the manger until Christmas Day. I continue to think of, and in my own way, honor my childhood family celebrations on Christmas Eve. I make Green Chili Enchiladas – not as my mom made them but a heathier version with leftover Thanksgiving Turkey and Kale, no cheese – like an ending to the holiday phase (though we still have New Year’s Eve to get through, before it really ends).

I grew up on the Mexican border in El Paso Texas. After our enchiladas, we would take a drive to look at the luminarias that would line many homes and sidewalks and even Rim Road overlooking the city and across the river Mexico.

Because the Catholic Church dominates the region, Midnight Mass was also common. After meeting my husband, he took me to Midnight Mass one year at the big cathedral in St Louis Missouri. I needed that reassurance because not long before that, I had a dream of stopping to ask someone for directions in downtown St Louis and they shot me with a gun to take my purse. I was so angry they would steal my life when I had so little in that purse and would have given it to them. Thankfully, that Christmas Eve downtown helped me get over it.

I realize this is not my typical “Missing Mom” blog but this year, I am missing my mom a lot. She passed away in late September 2015. We were supposed to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. She had been worrying me a lot with her health issues. I asked her if I needed to come home right away and she said, No, Thanksgiving will be soon enough – but it wasn’t. Then, came that New Year’s Eve when my dad had a stroke and had to be airlifted to a big hospital. He came out not believing he had one until he read the discharge papers. (my youngest sister saved him from rehab and I resisted a follow up with his primary care doctor who wanted to do that also). My dad died 4 months after my mom did. They were both adoptees and had been married for over 50 years, high school sweethearts. So, yeah. Christmas is when we think of family and I miss my dad too. Upon reflection, the holidays bring up some residual grief and sadness for me.

All I Want For Christmas

Is any body’s baby

I loved the magic and happy ending in a story that was published in The Guardian – LINK>I found a baby on my doorstep on Christmas Day. I liked that the woman’s first thought was – “There’s someone out there who loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Then, she added – “But if there isn’t, then I will love you. It will be OK, I promise.” It was as if he understood, because he stopped crying. It was 2017 and her own son was only five weeks old. So, she was not experiencing infertility and wanting someone else’s baby but her mothering instincts simply kicked in. She wondered – “How could anyone have abandoned a child, especially when it was -1C outside?” (30 degrees for those of us who use Fahrenheit measurements.)

She notes – “I was sure there was a mother out there looking for him, as he’d responded to the kindness in my voice. But some part of me was also preparing for the alternative. I even thought about fostering classes I might have to take.”

The police arrived with the baby’s mother in their car – “She flew up our steps in a split second, took him from my arms and seemed to collapse over him, sobbing.”

Turns out that the mother and baby lived nearby. After putting her son in the car that morning, she’d realized that she hadn’t locked her front door. In the second she stepped away, a teenage boy had stolen the car. Discovering the baby in the back seat, he panicked. One wonders that he chose this house to leave the baby at. The woman ends her story – “I don’t know if some higher power meant for us to take care of the baby that day. But I’ll always be thankful we were there to open the door when the knock came.”