Time To Be Grateful

Blogger’s note – I once worked for a rental management company. Sometimes people were evicted. I rarely saw any of that up close, though one memorable experience was checking a vacated house next to our office to see if any roaches were still alive after fumigation . . . later in my life, I left a bad romantic relationship and dropped into St Louis with a suitcase and $500 – no car, no job and no friends. I had to sleep in the room I rented with the light on (after cleaning all the trash out for the owner who didn’t do it many weeks after I started sleeping on the couch in their living room). Yeah, the roaches were still that bad . . .

What if you were a single parent with a child ? You work full time for $14.00 hr. You bring home roughly $800.00 per paycheck (bi-weekly).

Your monthly bills are:
$1,000.00 / rent
$ 150.00 / electric
$ 250.00 / car payment
$ 150.00 / car insurance

So do the math :
You bring home about $1,600.00 a month and your monthly bills average about $1,550.00 (give or take). You’re making it – barely. This amount does not include groceries, internet, cable, cell phone, etc.

Now, it’s a really cold December and you get a surprise power bill for $600.00 (blogger’s note – something like that actually happened here in the local area where I live). How do you pay that ? To put it simply, you don’t, because you can’t. Therefore, your power gets shut off. Your lease requires connected utilities, so now you will get evicted. You try to make your case in court, the judge doesn’t care. You are given 10 days to leave voluntarily.

If you’re lucky, maybe you found somewhere you could live, the rent is only $650.00 a month, but you only have 3 days to spare and you must pass a background and credit check first. And you won’t pass it because you just got evicted, even though you’ve never been a criminal. Even so, you’d be looking at $1,300, just to move in, after paying the deposit and first month’s rent.

The landlord shows up at 7am with the police and they change your locks. Now, you’re living in your car with your 7 year old son. You have everything you could salvage in the car with you. You try to get a storage unit, but you don’t have a billing address, so they won’t rent one to you. You have only taken what would fit in your backseat. You pay to shower at local truck stops and eat whatever you can cook in a gas station microwave.

Someone sees you are living this way with your son and calls Child Protective Services. Guess what happens next ? ? ? Your child is removed from you. And now, you lose your job too. (Because “as an employee who has lost their child, well it just reflects poorly on the company.”)

At this point, you apply for an apartment with a waiting list of 3-7 years. Then, you go to Wal-Mart and put in a job application. Returning to your car, you see that your back window has been smashed. Someone has helped themselves to your belongings.

Now, remember that it is December and really cold. Your only shelter is no longer safe.
You call your car insurance agent, who says your deductible is $1,000.00 and the bad new is now they’re going to increase your monthly rate because you’ve become “ high risk”.

As a last resort, you call the homeless shelter. All their beds are full. I’ll stop here ….. because you probably understand the point of this story.

The people we work with everyday are these people. We may even be these people ourselves.
We are all so close to homelessness and often we don’t even realize it.

All it takes is –

one unexpected bill
one fender bender
one lay-off
one house fire, etc.

There are people all around us who are poor, homeless, or in need of assistance. Be grateful that you’re not in their shoes (if you are not already).

Stay humble and be kind – and always, BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE.
Many of us are struggling in some way.

Blogger’s note – My youngest sister spent 4 years homeless. I don’t know how she survived it but she did. Sadly, we are estranged because her untreated mental illness causes her to be very cruel towards me. Still, I am always grateful that she is no longer living on the street.

A comment on the story above shared a “game” that has been around awhile. It illustrates a similar point – the terrible choices some people have to make every day, just to barely get by (if they’re lucky). Here’s that game – LINK>PlaySpent.

Ending on a happier note – just Everyday People . . .

Not Enough Nelsons

NOT ENOUGH NELSONS FAMILY

We are a big family of 18! We always get asked if they are all ours!!? 7 are biological and 9 are adopted! SO YES!!

I discovered this family in my all things adoption group, so I went looking. Someone elsewhere wrote a thread – “Not Enough Nelsons: When Mormon Naming Goes Too Far.” They said – I’ve only recently discovered them (blogger’s note – for me, only today) and their videos are really hard to watch (blogger’s note – I think I’ll just not do it). The Nelsons have 16 kids (blogger’s note – so 18 includes the parents). I also read that the oldest 5 are legally adults.

That person commented on all of the terrible Mormon names. The girls have random capitalizations and their names end in EE. KennaDee 23, KassaDee 21, Bridger 21, JourNee 21, Trey 19, JaineLee 17, LiLee 14, SaiDee 12, NayVee 12, Luke 11, PaisLee 8, DeLayNee 8, PresLee 7, ElleCee 6, Beckham 5, and Ledger 9 months. Bridger, JourNee, LiLee, SaiDee, NayVee, Luke, DeLayNee, ElleCee, and Backham are adopted. KassaDee is married but for some reason a bunch of the kids followed her on her honeymoon? They live in a giant mansion in Utah (read the cafemom link below for more about that) but for some reason they need YouTube money / fame. Someone else described their videos as very cringey and staged.

Googling around for more info, I found this at cafemom – LINK>How a Family of 18 Went From ‘Dirt Poor’ to Living in a Mansion. Bruce Edward Nelson II (the dad) is a builder and a coach. He used to coach a soccer team. He is also the Bishop of a Latter Day Saints church in Utah. In addition to coaching, Nelson runs his own business, building homes and developing properties.

One commenter in the adoption group wrote – Everything about their website feels like commerce. It’s all magazine glossy and perfectly coordinated tones. Like, in one image they’re on a velvet couch, in the middle of a skate park. Bizarroworld. That’s not a family, It’s a brand.

You Can’t Fix This

A woman writes about her adopted son. He is now a teenager. She adopted him at age 6. She asks, “Has anyone else felt that their adopted child is still greatly affected by their past despite begin adopted in a healthier home ?”

His genetic mother was her sister-in-law and she is aware that his mother had mental health issues. Her adopted son had what she describes as extreme behavioral problems

blogger’s note – which really isn’t that uncommon in adopted children due to adoption trauma.

He was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. She says he is defiant.

blogger’s note – I get that. I have 2 sons – one was defiant and one was compliant.

She does recognize that now that he is older, his behavior is drastically better (though she credits school and church, and of course the environment she brought him into).

blogger’s note – Well, my “defiant” son is much easier now in his older years than at 6 as well and since he was educated at home and we don’t go to church, I think it just comes with adapting and maturing.

One commenter noted that from the adoptive parent’s perspective – all of his good traits are due to her parenting and all of his bad traits are due to his genetics.

A transracial adoptee commented – I feel so much for adoptees in homes like this. As a child who was labeled “bad” for having trauma responses and trouble forming healthy attachments, I know this kind of treatment from an adoptive parent only makes it harder for an adoptee to find healthy footing later in life. Really hope this kid finds a good, empathetic support system that lets them know that their trauma is valid.

Adoption Is Not God’s Plan

Personally, I do believe in accepting “what is” in life. In my all things adoption group today I read –

I see this frequently on adoptive parent’s Facebook pages – Adoption was God’s plan for them. It is what He wanted and placed on their hearts. Their “baby” was meant just for them despite growing in another’s womb. So IF God gets all this credit, if a major loss for baby and family was your answered prayer, blah, blah, blah. Their loss was your blessing, etc.

So you know, God caused all this pain and destruction because it was “meant to be.” Then wtf is infertility? How can your “blessing” and another’s loss both be “meant to be?” Your adopted baby was meant for you. Created in the womb for you by God, and all that baloney. Does this mindset only not apply to infertility because it doesn’t benefit you. Could it not be said that maybe, just maybe it wasn’t “meant to be” for you to be a parent at all?

Thank goodness we have a billion dollar a year industry that preys on poor families. Thank goodness we have a government with ridiculous income limits for financial resources. Too bad God can’t get the ratio right – to benefit all the infertile people who want to be parents. There are at least 50 hopeful adoptive parents to every newborn given up for adoption.

One admittedly non religious person commented – I often wonder about our modern day problems (society within the last 200 years of western civilization), and how many of them would be solved by living in close knit communities with strong values in collectivism, as our ancestors did. If infertile women had strong, daily roles as alloparents to children in their community, sometimes providing more individual care than a natural parent. Would they feel so inclined to adopt? I feel like the need and desire for adoption would be drastically diminished, if people lived that way…

blogger’s note – I do believe in an over-arching, life force Presence – some call that God, others Spirit. There are many names for what people sense spiritually. I simply would NOT exist, if my parents (both of them) had not been adopted. It is “what is”. I believe I did not end up adopted myself (my mom was a high school junior and my dad a first year university student), so that I could reconnect the threads of my family’s genetic identity that had been broken by adoption (my destiny or purpose here). Something my parents were not able (my mom) or did not want (my dad) to do. While I believe there is something that responds to me, I also believe we are not controlled by God. We are left alone to discover what this thing called Life is all about, while we are yet here physically.

Abandoned in a Cardboard Box

In looking for an image to illustrate today’s story, I was surprised at how common it actually is for parents to use a cardboard box as a bassinet. The story I read in LINK>The Huffington Post isn’t actually about this. The story by Shari Leid is titled – “I Was Found Abandoned In A Cardboard Box As A Baby. All My Life I’ve Been Searching For The Truth About Who I Am.” The subtitle is – “Now a mother myself, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy.”

She writes – In the bustling streets of Seoul, South Korea, my life began at Chapter 2 with a cardboard box in a nondescript parking lot. There was no Chapter 1; the scant police, hospital and orphanage records offer no clues about my birth name, birthplace, or birthdate. My birth story is shrouded in mystery. It was 1970, a time when adoption, especially international adoption, was navigated with less understanding than it is today. Concepts like the significance of bonding between a baby and its mother during the first year of life were not as widely recognized or prioritized.

She goes on to note – Attachment, the emotional bond between a child and their primary caregiver, is now known to play a pivotal role in shaping our relationships and emotional well-being. My early life was marked by a series of caregivers ― from a birth family to a police station to a hospital ward to an orphanage and finally to a foster home ― before being escorted to the United States by representatives of an adoption agency to meet my adoptive parents. This early experience laid the foundation for the complex web of attachment issues I would grapple with throughout my life.

Not for the first time have I read this from an adoptee – the school project that I hated the most was the Family Tree assignment. It was a stark reminder that I was like a grafted branch, awkwardly attached to a tree that wasn’t originally mine. And the thing with grafts is, they don’t always take ― sometimes they stick out, not quite blending in, or they might not even survive if they don’t heal right.

She relates the effects of her attachment issues – In those tricky teen years and my early 20s, I struggled with trust in my relationships. I was continually searching for assurance, for tangible signs that the people in my life would remain steadfast, that our connections would endure the inevitable storms. Looking back, I recognize this was a dance with fear ― the fear of being forgotten, of being alone. Unintentionally, I placed those around me under the microscope of my insecurities, seeking constant validation of their affection and commitment.

Then she describes how becoming a mother affected her – Now a mother myself, having experienced the profound journey of pregnancy and childbirth, I often think about the emotions that must have swirled within my birth mother during her pregnancy. I can’t help but wonder whether she, too, grappled with a sense of emotional detachment ― an act of self-preservation, knowing she couldn’t keep me — and if she transferred those feelings of detachment and anxiety to her unborn child.

She notes that there is a profound power in having a birth narrative. Hers came by way of a psychic at a friend’s party. She was given the gift of a reimagined beginning. It is interesting that after marriage, she and her husband adopted a girl from China only to discover that this woman was already pregnant. This happens more often than you might think (an adoption brings with it a pregnancy). Her son was born a mere seven months after they returned from China.

She notes – We adoptees are not just the sum of our adopted family; we are the continuation of a history, the carriers of genetics, and the embodiment of potential that stretches back beyond our memory. Our birth families, with all their mysteries and absences, are still a vital piece of our identity, a narrative thread that is ours to weave into the story of our lives.

There is a lot of attention to Korean adoptee stories these days – 112,000 Korean children were adopted by US citizens over the last 60 years. The story author writes – In 2020, the South Korean National Police Agency began offering a service to overseas adoptees of Korean descent that provides a way for us to submit our DNA and register it with foreign diplomatic offices, in the hopes of reconnecting with our biological families. I provided my DNA sample, but to this day, there has been no match.

Little Orphan Cassidy

I am somewhat a fan of the program Saturday Night Live though I never watch the whole program and rarely the sketches. Usually on Sunday morning, it is a guilty pleasure, to look up the cold open and weekend update segments. I started doing this in 2016 after our former president was elected. Therefore, I missed this sketch until I learned about this in my all things adoption group.

The video, LINK>YouTube, for this indicates that an orphan (Chloe Troast) sings to the moon (Timothée Chalamet) about not getting adopted in a Saturday Night Live sketch – Little Orphan Cassidy. I noticed the old building has a sign over the door – Ms Pippinstuffs’ Home for Unwanted Girls.

So, I just watched the sketch (link above, if you want to watch it your self). Certainly, the feeling expressed at the beginning won’t be totally alien to people who were adopted later in childhood but not as infants. However, if she is really 26 years old, she should have aged out of the system 8 years earlier. Actually, then she admits that she is already 27 years old. It goes downhill from there. No wonder some adoptees found it troubling, however, SNL sometimes does go a bit too far attempting humor.

Here is what some adoptees said about this sketch –

First, the adoptee who shared a link to the video wrote – I saw this SNL skit and feel a lot of emotions about it but don’t know exactly how to express them. I’m curious what everyone else thinks about it

Adoptee – not cool or funny. Two things really irk me. [1] I do not enjoy having my trauma being the gag. How many other traumatized people have theirs twisted like this? [2] The theme is there is something wrong with you to not get adopted. Like it’s a life goal.

From someone in foster care as a youth – I also saw this and not sure what to think. I love Timothée Chalamet and SNL, but they do offensive things all the time and that’s their thing. For me, I think the most important voices are former Foster Care teens or adults who have lived through group homes.

Life Imitating Art

An adoptee writes – it’s the time of year when I sincerely wish that the scriptwriters and execs at Hallmark were a part of this (all things adoption) group. I hate the various and sundry ways they make adoption a Christmas theme and they rarely do it well. I don’t understand why adoption = Christmas. Adoption is not your happy ending Christmas feel good fodder!!!!

Another adoptee chimed in – Omg my bio mom and I are both living together. The Hallmark Movies and Mysteries channel is something she watches A LOT. I am SOOOO TIRED of the commercial about “The Miracle of Adoption.” The one where the kid is like, “Did my dad leave me because I’m autistic?!?!?”. Uggghhhh.

One adoptee explained – I feel like they think adoption is a Christmas theme because a lot of Christians think adoption is fundamentally biblical since we are “adopted” by God the Father. It is quite a false equivalence though because adoption by God is nothing like adoption in our human system. If human adoption was actually like becoming a child of God, it would be fine because it’s just about being unconditionally loved and cared for by someone regardless of blood/genetic connection. No birth certificate changing, controllingness, need for possession, etc. PS, I’m a Christian and I advocate/educate about this in Christian communities with rose glasses. It’s hard but necessary.

blogger’s note – I went looking and found an article at LINK>Heavy about the Hallmark movie Three Wise Men and a Baby. It became the most-watched cable movie of 2022, Andrew Walker plays a bachelor firefighter, Luke Brenner, who discovers a baby left in a car seat with a note specifically for him from the baby’s unidentified mother.

Weeks after the movie premiered, a baby girl named Zoey was left inside a Safe Haven Baby Box. These are temperature-controlled boxes installed at nearly 150 fire stations across the US. At 2 am on January 2, an alarm went off at the station in Ocala to signal that a baby had been placed inside the box — the only one that exists in Florida. The firefighter quickly responded. He and his wife had been trying to have a child for a decade, so he instantly hoped the baby could be theirs. However, he followed protocols and took the baby to the hospital.

He did leave a note with the baby, describing what had happened and why he and his wife would love a chance to adopt the little girl. Since they had previously filled out all of the paperwork necessary to become adoptive parents, they had Zoey in their arms two days later and have since adopted her. “Everybody was just in disbelief, honestly, that she was hand-delivered to us, basically,” his wife said.

Grooming the Next Generation

Adora Adoption Babies

As if the rainbows and unicorns adoption narrative is not enough to push back against, the LINK>Adora toy company is grooming the next generation of adoptive parents with its baby dolls. With girl doll names like Hope, Cherish and Precious, a dark skin baby Joy – plus the boy dolls Beloved and Handsome – the company plays on adult adoption feelings with their baby’s names.

Adora baby Joy

These dolls come as 9 piece sets that include a Certificate of Adoption, a pacifier, a hospital bracelet, a disposable diaper, a pink or blue blanket, a crib, and a removable onesie with a matching cap.

The company writes – Nurturing empathy starts at an early age for children, and the companionship of a favorite Adora Adoption doll has been shown to enhance this emotional development. An Adora 16-inch Adoption baby doll can help your child develop their social and emotional skills and is a perfect partner for sibling training. Every detail has been thought out to create a special bond between baby and your little one.

Pictures of girls dressed up in hospital clothing at the company’s website.

One adoptee wrote – “Nothing like feeling even more like a product” – at stumbling upon these dolls. Another notes – “Why would they wanna do this and try and normalize selling babies to kids?” A transracial adoptee pinpointed the issue – “Training young girls to grow up and save a needy baby by adopting them.”

Wanting To Say The Right Thing

A question about being a considerate friend –

I’m not in the adoptive triad (natural mother, adoptee and adoptive parent) but two of my close friends are adoptees. I live in the USA in a part of the country known as the “Bible Belt”, a place that is saturated with Evangelical Christianity and rose colored glassed about adoption. Out of my two friends that are adoptees, one has been reunited with her first mom for over a decade and they have a friendly and somewhat close relationship. The other knows of her first mom but I don’t know if they have met in person. There are other details about their stories I know about but don’t want to get too personal.

The stories I heard have confirmed some of the icky feelings and questions I’ve had about adoption but didn’t understand and couldn’t voice. Because outside of the triad, everyone knows how adoption is painted and its very pervasive, at least here in the US. To be critical of adoption is to have an outlier opinion.

I haven’t said anything negative about adoption to either of my friends. But, I want them to know that I don’t judge them for having negative feelings about being adopted and that I am becoming aware of some things. For anyone in the triad, if one of your friends said those things to you, would you feel weirded out? I don’t know if my friends have negative feelings about being adopted but I’m sure they do somewhat.

An adoptee responds – I personally live in the Bible Belt myself. I get what your saying and it wouldn’t weird me out of someone asked me about my feelings on adoption as long as they weren’t being weird about it. It would make me feel heard by someone for a change.

And another adoptee – I also live in the bible belt. I’ve talked with people about my adoption and the things I’ve been upset about. I didn’t feel it was weird or rude if questions were asked to get more perspective or if other people voiced what they felt was negative.

An adoptee notes – Adopted people appreciate our allies, people who have made the effort to better understand our plights. That said, the majority of adopted people that I personally communicate with usually recognize that we are more comfortable talking about these sorts of issues with other adoptees (not all adoptees will feel like that and in fact some adoptees will talk to anyone about their adoption, others won’t talk to anyone at all). We aren’t a monolith, one size fits all. But, adoptees who realize the harmful aspects of their childhood are very specific about who they share their innermost feelings with. We know who is a safe person to talk to. I guess for me why someone wants to discuss these sorts of deep, dark issues would be important. Are you just wanting to let them know what you have learned or are you wanting to be a ‘caring ear’ willing to listen more than talk?

The “friend’s” response was – I mainly just want them to know that if they ever need to talk, I’m here for them and they can express criticism about adoption. I won’t judge or criticize them.

Another adoptee agrees with the one above – with friends of mine who aren’t adoptees, I might talk about these issues superficially but only as things come up – regarding parenting adoptees (many of my friends are adoptive parents) and I try to help them “get it” and I talk to their kids and try to help their adoptive parents get it.

This one goes on to say – I would not like my non-adopted friends to make assumptions that they know I have negative feelings on adoption. I do but it’s easier for me to have those negative feelings about other people’s situations. Naming that about my own situation to a non-adoptee would not be likely to happen. Exposing myself that much wouldn’t happen. It’s like that feeling, when you can be mad at your brother but if someone else is, you tend to stick up for them… that’s the kind of feeling it would create for me. You don’t get the right.

I know your trying to be supportive but to me you need to let them lead, don’t become a part of the show. I’m suggesting you consider staying out of it. If they talk, then listen, and even validate their feelings. Give them permission to have the negative feelings but not unless they express them. To me that would feel like you think I should have some negative feelings or would want share them, if I do.

A transracial adoptee also admits – I’m in the Bible Belt. Have they ever confided in you specifically about adoption? Are you in any way associated with Evangelical Christianity, or are they or their families? I ask because Evangelical Christians are pro-life and typically hold more of the positive rainbow pro-adoption propaganda views.

I think it would really depend on the conversation and how you brought it up. I think using certain vocabulary like “adoption trauma”, “the FOG,” “centering adoptees,” “adoption industry”, “family preservation,” etc. could help signify that you’re a safe person. Personally, I’d recommend following their lead, not to purposefully bring it up, but not ignore/deflect any conversations.

As I came “out of the fog,” I’ve found it harder to speak to non-adoptees, simply because they more often than not (and because being in the Bible Belt) didn’t have the same views as me. I think as an adoptee, I’d find it reassuring to know that a close friend was an ally.

The “friend’s” response was – I used to be a Christian but I’m not any more. I met friend #1 at church over a decade ago and we reconnected a couple years ago and became close friends. Her adoptive parents were very conservative Christians. She identifies as kind of a liberal Christian but more witchy than Christian and doesn’t go to church. I’m kind of agnostic. Friend #2 is a young lady I know from my city Choir. She is a mainline Protestant Christian and active in her church but she is liberal. Her parents, I think, are more conservative but I don’t know to what degree. Both friends know I’m not pro life at all, that I’m LGBT and child free. I have some negative views toward having children but I’m working on it in counseling.

To this, the transracial adoptee wrote – I wouldn’t bring it up, especially since they haven’t really confided in you. Bringing it up only centers yourself, rereading your last paragraph really just points out the reasons for approaching this subject are your reasons, for you. I think, if you truly are a safe person to vent to, then they’ll come to you. I reiterate – just follow their lead, don’t put them in an uncomfortable spot, so that you can feel like a good ally.

The child of an adoptee (blogger’s note – I am the child of two adoptees) and a first mom (another blogger’s note – this is a mother who gave a child up for adoption – which both of my own sisters did) writes: obviously *I* am not personally an adoptee but I do live in the Bible Belt. I am just curious, why on earth would you bring up someone else’s private business to tell them you’re “a safe space” and they can “express criticism without judgement”? If they’re **actively discussing their trauma** with you, that’s the time for you to reassure them that you’re “on their side.” Purposely bringing it up, may make you appear to someone like you’re just being a trauma tourist.

The “friend’s” response was – Its not something I would ever bring up out of the blue. If someone you love or are friends with has something really awful happen and they share it with you, you know it’s awful for them and you express that you know it’s awful and show you are there for them. However, the overarching opinion of adoption is that its positive and negative opinions are met with hostility. So, it’s a little different. Most people that have bad things happen are allowed to feel bad about something and say it sucks. But I don’t know if the average adoptee feels like they are allowed to feel that way about adoption, let alone express such opinions. They’ve shared about being adopted. But, if they share again, I want to say the right thing.

To which the previous commenter responded – if they bring it up, I think it’s fine to say you’ve done some reading and you want to be supportive and non judgmental, or even briefly share your opinions on the practice and systems. I don’t think it’s something that should be brought up independently but you said you’re not gonna do that, so you should be good to go.

Another who was placed with her kin remembers – Before I came to accept the reality of my own disappointment, I would have been insulted if someone tried to tell me they were a safe space for me to vent. I didn’t realize I needed to vent. I was in complete denial. In high school, I had a few people respond to some grisly parts of my story with astonishment and anger on my behalf. I was confused, miffed, and maybe a tiny bit amused that they were angry about something that “didn’t bother me.” Why don’t you ASK how they feel instead? Perhaps let them know that you’re aware that some people feel extremely grateful for having been adopted, but that you’ve been made aware of a different perspective of anger and loss… and that you’re curious to know their thoughts, IF they’re open to share them.

Another adoptee suggested – if a friend said something like “Hey for some reason adoption has been on my mind and I was reading a lot of adoptee experiences and researching how it affects a high percentage. I’d love to hear your thoughts.“ I wouldn’t be weirded out.

One adoptee had a cheeky response – Tell all those church attendees that Jesus’ mother was unwed and 14, so Jesus born in manager. Being young, unwed or poor is no reason to give your child away to strangers.

One woman who’s ex-husband is an adoptee and who also lost her daughter shares – I’m still close to my ex-husband because of his messed up family ties both biological and adoptive. I sometimes have to watch what I say, when he vents to me but he knows I’m a safe space for his negative feelings. Most people tell him to basically suck it up. I have a few more adopted friends but my ex husband is the closest story I know, besides my own daughter. My cousin, who was my daughter’s foster parent, didn’t think an autistic 17-year-old could be a parent, so she worked against me. She became a pastor in the Baptist community and was working at a homeless shelter for families. My daughter is in a closed adoption “for safety reasons”. I am not even allowed to know who the adoptive parents are. This is kind ridiculous because now I have a 2 month old and had to deal with Child Protective Services again. Thankfully, my case was eventually closed. Now I realize even more than before how much my family didn’t help. All I needed were a few resources, when I was 17, and I would have been fine, just like I am now at 26. I do have “issues”, my cousin knew my daughter’s adoptive parents before the adoption through her church and that they’re infertile. I don’t know if my first kid is ever going to know about my second kid. To me that’s not very Christian – to keep siblings separated – when there’s obviously no concern for safety. I have also had to take what my ex-husband told me into consideration – that when my child is older, she maybe not want to contact me and I will have to process that better, because I’m the adult. That is hard to think about even with years to prepare, if she does contact me.

Remembering Tam

Today’s story by a grieving friend (not the blogger) but such an important acknowledgement – remembering Tam on the anniversary of her birth.

She cried for weeks after she arrived. Tam spent years in the orphanage back in Vietnam, it became her home and the other children her family. She played a cassette tape of all the songs they sang together. Each time it ended, the crying would die down as she flipped it to the other side. The crying would resume after she hit the play button. Profound pain and sadness. Grief.

Tam was blind, yet moved with ease, feeling with her hands, smelling with her nose. She took care of herself meticulously, especially her hair. She refused to use a service dog and reluctant to use her cane, never wanting to draw that kind of attention to herself. She had a good amount of self-pride.

I graduated from college in 2000 with a degree in psychology. I had also wanted to minor in social work which seemed to come to me more easily. Second semester senior year was just a bit too late to choose a new major, or even a minor. Since then, I’ve surrounded myself with social workers for most of my career.

Midterms are one of the last ways to boost your GPA, and I could have used a boost! I also received my acceptance letter from UConn to their master’s program at their school of family studies. I make the call back home from my dorm room to share the news. “Tam is in the hospital, call everyone to come home.”

The story of how she died has been told a number of different ways in the media over the years. What hasn’t been included in Tam’s story though is that as adopted people, we live with layers of pain, trauma and in a constant state of grief. Too often it is disenfranchised grief, to the point we aren’t aware our bodies still feel the losses we’ve endured. Too often an act of suicide is confused with wanting to stop the pain. To stop feeling. Sometimes, we act impulsively after a fight or argument as we register it as a threat. This threat triggers our fear response. Fear of rejection. Anger at ourselves.

Whatever it is, we just want the pain to go away. We are tired of feeling. We want it to stop. Suicide continues to be stigmatized, and those, like me, live with shame and guilt. It’s why there is a movement to normalize these thoughts and feelings, so people can share them to be seen, heard and validated. It’s powerful when someone connects with you and says “I see you, thank you for helping me understand your pain.” With that kind of connection, a life can be saved.

The truth is that Tam died in 2000. Both her life and death have profoundly changed me. I continue to turn my pain into purpose. To keep telling her story. Many people don’t realize how important it is when you’ve been adopted. Your story is told by others, often to shape a narrative. I strive to tell Tam’s truth. Even through her death, she deserves to be seen. Her pain and how she lived makes her human.

It was her birthday last week. I now call it the anniversary of her birth. Often it is a traumaversary for those who are adopted. I will never know what she would have been like at this stage of adulthood. I do remember her laugh. What a laugh!