Mental Health Challenge

Mental health issues are important to me. I have dealt with serious ones within my own birth family. Today’s story –

I am asking for ideas on how to best help my sister. Last week I got a phone call from my sister begging me to come get her daughter because she had an angry outburst towards her daughter. I left work, called my husband, and we went to her house. We came up with a plan to temporarily have her daughter stay with us (not a custody agreement, basically more like a sleep over) and keep her until my sister could get some mental help. I live 5 minutes away from my sister, so it’s a very close drive.

Later that night my sister called and accused us of trying to steal her daughter, take control, and strip her of her rights. We immediately explained that we had absolutely no intent of that and she had every single right to come get her daughter and I promised her that I only want what is best for both my sister and her baby. She ended up deciding to leave her daughter with us. Each day we keep heavily in contact, I ask permission before doing anything with her daughter and assure her that she is the best mother for her daughter and that I support her.

However my sister is not showing interest in trying to get help mentally. (blogger’s note – this is an issue I have dealt with in my own family.) She also keeps saying things like “R is happier at your house” “R does not listen to me like she does you” and making comments about R needing to stay at my house permanently. It’s not even been a full week and I want to give her time. My question is how can I help? What are things that I need to do during this time to help my sister and also keep her relationship with my niece intact. I try reminding her that she is an amazing mother. I try reminding her that I also have had periods in my life where I had to seek help due to my own mental health. I just feel like I’m not supporting her enough. I want to help break the cycle (we faced this with our own birth mother). I want to make sure I am not over stepping. I want to make sure I am not enabling either. I also don’t want to put unrealistic expectations on her that might cause more harm.

A suggestion from an adoptee who has had a similar life experience – When I was only 17, I was taking care of my brother’s kids (at the time he was in his 40s. and his girlfriend was in her 30s). My suggestion is that I would try to go over to her house or have her stay with you and help her navigate the relationship with her daughter. Try to see what is triggering her outbursts and go from there. She might need professional help. I went through a similar situation with my ex-sister-in-law. Her wakeup call was when the kids were being taken into foster care. How often does your sister get a break from being (I assume) a single mom ? How old is your niece ? She might just need a break. Set up a schedule and take your niece a few times a month, when it works with y’alls schedule. I’m always offering to take friend’s kids or my nieces and nephews to spend time with me and my kids.

Adoptee Remembrance Day

A Black Hole of Identity

Today’s story is very much like my own dad’s perspective –

My Dad is an Adoptee (from birth). I knew this growing up and he knew his whole life as well. I know as much as he does about the circumstances of his adoption. And I never thought too much of it until I was older (teens) and he made a comment to me about me being his only blood. He never met his Parents, he never had a desire too (as he has stated). He was not kept from doing so and knowing my grandparents they do not seem like the kind of people that wouldn’t have allowed him to, if he had wanted.

As far as my Dad’s side of the family it was filled in with his Adoptive parents and adoptive family which made sense to me (and him). Here is where I am struggling. For a few years now, I’ve been very curious about my actual bloodline and where I’m from essentially. I know nothing about 3/4 of my ancestry/bloodline. Is it weird to have such a desire to know? I mean I can respect not knowing or seeking out people my parents have no desire to know themselves but I’d love to know where I’m from (I hope I’m saying that right). I’ve considered doing an Ancestry DNA type thing. Not sure if it would fully answer my questions and satisfy my curiosity. Am I being selfish being curious in the first place? I in no way want to disrespect my parents or trample on any trauma they have…which is why I haven’t yet to express this curiosity/desire to either of them.

Does anyone who is the child of an Adoptee or Adoptee with children have thoughts on this? Would it be wrong even bringing this up to them? Would it be wrong to do something like Ancestry DNA (should I tell them or just do it?)

blogger’s note – I responded. This is as close as I’ve gotten to anyone with a family history like mine and none yet with the same circumstances.

I am the child of 2 adoptees and my dad was a lot like your dad. It is not weird to want to know your heritage. After my parents died and I was already well over 60 years old myself, I finally uncovered ALL 4 of my original grandparents identities. I have connected with a few genetic cousins and one aunt. It has been an odd journey that did affect how I felt about my adoptive relatives. After several years, I believe I am somewhat reintegrating who they were during my childhood with the complicated understanding that I was never genetically related to any of them. HUGS. I do hope you find the information your heart is wanting to know. Regardless of how it has complicated my feelings, I am grateful to finally feel whole, without that black hole of not knowing anything about our heritage, just who my parents were.

PS I did BOTH Ancestry and 23 and Me. They were very helpful in my own journey. Go for it. You don’t need anyone’s permission.

Difficult Allegations

In September of 2021, I wrote a blog about LINK>Adoptee – Buffy Sainte-Marie. In The Guardian, there is a new article about her as she LINK>denies allegations that she misled the public about her Indigenous ancestry.

Her response to these allegations seems honest for any adoptee – “I have always struggled to answer questions about who I am. Through that research what became clear, and what I’ve always been honest about, is that I don’t know where I’m from or who my birth parents were, and I will never know.”

blogger’s note – My mom had much the same perspective. She had her parents’ names as Mr & Mrs JC Moore. Not a lot to go on. The state of Tennessee refused her request to release her adoption file – a file I now have plus black and white photos of my mom and her mom the last time they were together.

In a recent interview, Buffy Sainte-Marie noted that – “As adopted children, we don’t even know when our birthday is. You spend your entire life asking questions you can’t answer.” blogger’s note – In fact, my mom’s birth date had even been changed when her birth certificate was reissued as though she had been born to her adoptive parents.

Eventually, Sainte-Marie was accepted by the Piapot First Nation and given a Cree name – Piyasees Kanikamut, which means ‘Singing Bird’.

The tribe has come to her defense saying that questions over Sainte-Marie’s ancestry were “hurtful, ignorant, colonial – and racist”. Adding “No one, including Canada and its governments, the Indian Act, institutions, media or any person anywhere can deny our family’s inherent right to determine who is a member of our family and community.”

Though she has retired from live performances, due to health issues, she has long been known as a fierce advocate of Indigenous peoples and a key figure in social justice movements. “Buffy has lived her life as an Indigenous woman, and as such, has experienced all of the ‘lived experience’ that goes along with it- the good and the painful. What is gained by targeting her at this age?” wrote Robyn Michaud, an Indigenous studies professor at Conestoga College. “My heart hurts.”

My photo of her comes from an NPR story about her LINK>”Authorized Biography” which was co-authored with Andrea Warner. It is said that her biography serves as a Map of Hope.

Family First Always

Today’s story – my dear friend is fighting for custody of her biological nephew (both the child’s parents are incarcerated for abuse/neglect for now). The child is an infant and currently in foster care. My friend put in the work and was approved by children’s services to be a foster parent, but they won’t place the child with her. And now they are saying that the child’s current foster family is interested in adopting him.

An adoptive parent actually answers – Fight for that baby! Family first always! She needs to email and contact daily. Copy every person’s email she can put on a email. Don’t be overly aggressive but stern. Every time I see this it makes me so mad. Prayers the right thing is done.

Someone who was in foster care as a youth note – At least in my state, she could file a motion to intervene. Our children’s court judge ALWAYS places kids with approved family.

Another writes – Most likely state law and Child Protective Services policy both prioritize biological connections. Find the statues and policies (handbook should be online, or at least it is in my state) and have her cite them in emails to the worker and supervisors. She may need to get her own attorney to enter the case but if she can’t afford that, I would go to the court house and see if there is anything she can file herself to enter the case or petition for custody and get in front of the judge asap. Idk if it would help to offer to maintain a relationship with the foster family (doesn’t have to be long term, but don’t specify lol) to ease the transition.

Another has questions – She needs to contact the state ombudsman and get them involved. Who said no? Contact their supervisor. Supervisor said no, go up the ladder. Is she in the same state as the nephew?

Another shares – Same state/country – different state/county? We had a similar situation with my “great/grand-nephew”, but also had ICPC (different state) placement to get through. The Social Worker for our state explained it to us that they are legally required to consider Family First placement. He was moved from a non-family placement to us at around 10 months. Sadly, baby’s mom and dad (my cousin) are unable or unwilling to parent the baby at this time, at least being placed with us we will foster that relationship in the future for him to connect/reconnect with his parents.

We were told multiple times things like this:

“that baby’s family (non relatives) has already been picked out”

Your involvement/help is not needed or welcome here

It is “all but signed off on for him to be adopted (at 3 months old)”

“maybe you can get the next one”

We persisted, because we wanted the social worker/agency to know there was a family placement option for him, should they choose it. We are currently foster parents/placement for him.

Childhood Trauma

This will not be news to most adoptees. Still the statistics don’t lie about what childhood trauma does to the child. Being separated from the family that we were conceived within will always have a layer of trauma built in.

The effects of adoption trauma include grief and loss, problems in relationships, struggles with identity and sense of belonging, or behavioral and academic problems. Adoption trauma can also sometimes lead to more serious mental health concerns, including anxiety, ADHD, and suicidal ideation.

Just Google “Adoption Trauma” and you will find abundant sources of corroborating information.

Not Ever Possible

From an infertile foster parent turned guardian –

Do not kid yourselves that you’ll be enough. You won’t. You’ll never fill that hole that the parents can fill. You’ll never be able to dampen the thoughts they have in the quiet of the night about being with their real parents. Your situation isn’t different and your love isn’t sufficient.

Tonight me and the five year old, whom we’ve had since she was 6 months old and I adore endlessly, had one of our usual deep conversations about what’s going on in her sweet mind.

She told me how she thinks about her mom and dad every single night, when everything gets quiet and still, wishing they could go on walks to catch butterflies and go to the pool.

How she doesn’t like to talk about them too much cause it makes her really sad, her heart race and her belly sick.

How she wishes her Dad wasn’t in jail and that her Mom didn’t die, so she could go and stay at their house.

That she wishes she could cut herself in half – so half could be here with us and half be with her family.

She gets upset at herself for “telling me lies” (she tells me fantasy stories about things she and her mom did, when she was still with her) but she tells me them because she wishes they were true… we agreed that she should keep telling me these stories and I’ll help her by saying “do you wish that’s what happened?” Rather than just going along with it.

She wishes she could ask her Dad questions about her Mom so she could know her better.

She wanted to know why her mom used drugs.

I pulled out my (pathetic) list of things I know about her.. we listened to her favorite song and danced like she would have danced.

We spoke about her first jobs and favorite “boost” drink and looked at her favorite colors. We looked at photos and printed off more for her photo album, the one that she keeps under her pillow and looks at every night before bed.

None of this comes even close to what she needs nor will it repair the damage done to her heart and soul.

Don’t pretend you’re cool with this heart ache. Don’t pretend you’re cut out for this.

Don’t for a second think you’ll heal this.

Don’t pretend this is okay.

Don’t pretend that this will heal your infertility grief.

Don’t pretend that these children didn’t deserve the absolute freaking world and instead got dealt you.

Don’t fool yourself into believing that they are better off with you.

Don’t believe the lie that DNA doesn’t matter.

Don’t kid yourself that your friend’s cousin’s sister’s best friend who is adopted is “happy and thankful”

Don’t ever think you’ll be enough.

We Don’t Do Enough

Society doesn’t do enough to help struggling families.

From a “First Mother” (one who lost custody of her child).

She writes – Something I will never understand:

Foster Caregivers in Facebook “free” groups – asking/begging for bottles, pack-n-plays, diapers. Some asking for a child that they don’t even have in their care, yet “planning” on getting a baby. Some asking for clothes for next season, making plans to keep babies away from their parents.

This is seems to be perfectly acceptable, even praised as resourceful.

While biological families are shamed and torn apart for being in need of the same things.

Adoption Fragility

Fragility is often called out in regard to adoptive parents. Today’s blog was inspired by a mother who lost her child to adoption. This mother admits – I am also fragile. It’s often pointed out in response to an adoptive parent’s fragility. I am working on this. What is helping is getting all the adoption conditioning out of my body, heart, mind and soul. It’s deep and intense yet this work is helping.

My image above came from a Facebook page called LINK>The Open Adoption Project which focuses on improving adoptee experiences by encouraging open communication. Regarding this situation, they say “Sometimes, tragedy turns to triumph.” They note, Stevoni, the mom that Aymee is referring to, was struggling with drug addiction when her kids were removed from her care and placed with her ex-husband’s wife, Aymee. Stevoni’s parental rights were eventually terminated. Aymee adopted the kids. There were years of struggle and heartache with Stevoni going in and out of prison. Stevoni and Aymee eventually laid aside their differences for the kids. The Open Adoption Project says the two have formed one of the most admirable open adoptions we’ve seen. Stevoni now helps incarcerated individuals recover from their own addictions and is an active part of her kids’ lives.

So back to the original comment – Adoptive parents often get called out regarding their fragility. She says, I rarely see them change. Then, goes on to share her theory (while hoping she’s wrong).

Emotional manipulation of your adopted child/adult (withholding important information from them in relation to their biological family, guilt trips, passive aggressive behavior, savorism, jealousy, ownership, etc) is not because you are blind to your mind games, these behaviors are intentional.

Why? Perhaps because it is dynamic and this behavior has been in place from Day 1. The adopted child is groomed to feel responsible for your feelings. You like this dynamic because it makes you feel better.

Here’s the thing. Mind games are not Love. So if you are fragile and choosing to not deal with it, this is not love. It’s dysfunctional and extremely harmful. If you truly love your adopted kids, work on this. It’s not that hard but it does take work.

I spent a week in Oregon at Jean Houston’s house and she talked about that John Lennon song, Mind Games. The lyrics reflected John’s interest in a book with that title by Robert Masters and Jean Houston. The book stressed tapping into our mental potential to effect global change. So, just because, here is the song.

Is It A Just-World ?

Because I really do love trees, this image tugged at my heart. A new term for me – the Just-World Fallacy. It is often used to blame victims and excuse abusers.

In spiritual circles, one might hear re: adoption, “It was in your soul contract. You agreed to it.”

I am a spiritual person and I do have some belief in soul contracts but not as binding devices that eliminate free will choices and decisions.

Getting real – an infant can NOT consent to being adopted. Pre-birth? Who can really know ?

Generally, the responsible parties are the mother and the father. One or both may have been pressured or coerced, as in my mom’s adoption where Georgia Tann was involved. That is clear from information in my mom’s adoption file, which was given to me by the state of Tennessee as a descendant who’s parent was affected by Tann’s practices. My mom always thought she had been stolen. Politely, she would describe her adoption as having been inappropriate.

My dad’s father probably never even knew he was a father. He was a married man involved in an affair. My grandmother, the self-reliant person that she was, simply took care of her circumstance. She gave birth in a home for unwed mothers run by the Salvation Army and was subsequently hired by them and transferred from Ocean Beach, California to El Paso, Texas. The Salvation Army then took custody of my dad and adopted him out.

If my parents did have any kind of soul contract pre-birth, it was probably to meet and marry but it would take getting adopted to achieve that outcome or at least the way the situation played out in their real lives.

This leaves me definitely on the fence about whether their soul contract with one another included the necessity of getting adopted. Hmmm. I do know it seems like adoption was necessary for me to exist. So there’s that. Could it have happened another way ? I have to admit to that as well.

So back to that Just-World Fallacy. It is termed a fallacy because clearly in individual circumstances and events, justice is never a certainty. It is defined as a cognitive bias that assumes that “people get what they deserve” – that actions will necessarily have morally fair and fitting consequences. In spiritual circles, it could be termed cause and effect or even karma. “Just-World” has believers because people have a strong desire or need to believe that the world is an orderly, predictable, and just place. Related beliefs include – a belief in an unjust world, beliefs in immanent justice and ultimate justice, a hope for justice, and a belief in one’s ability to reduce injustice (which is what motivates any kind of activist and motivates my writing this blog).

In spirituality, we believe in a larger, broader view of how justice manifests. And always, we hope for an evolving and maturing humanity that rises above. I liked this graphic on empathy.