Family Secrets

Kerry Washington recently learned that her father, Earl Washington, is not her biological father. It’s news that sent her on her current journey of self-discovery. “It really turned my world upside down,” Washington tells LINK>People.

As she began to record an episode of the PBS series “Finding Your Roots” with Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., her father began experiencing panic attacks. Having held onto the secret for decades, Washington’s mom, Valerie, a professor, and dad, Earl, a real estate agent, had a private conversation with Gates, who told them it was always best for families to discuss such revelations privately prior to filming. What came next, says Washington, was a text message from her parents inviting her to a family sit-down in the spring of 2018.

“When I got this information, I was like, ‘Oh. I now know my story,'” says the star, who recalls feeling a sense of relief at the news after long feeling her parents were keeping things from her and that something was missing. “I didn’t know what my story was, but I was playing the supporting character in their story.”

Washington says she kept her calm and asked a lot of questions while trying to give her parents grace in what was clearly a difficult moment for them. She learned that they’d opted to use an anonymous sperm donor to help conceive after struggling with fertility issues and they didn’t know – and didn’t want to know – anything about the man except that he was healthy and Black. They admitted they had all but decided never to tell her.

“I think that dissonance of like, ‘Somebody is not telling me something about my body.’ made me feel like there was something in my body I had to fix,” she says of struggling for years with anxiety, self-esteem issues, and an eating disorder when she was young. She now feels those might have been symptoms of subconsciously sensing her parents’ secret.

“My parents were not thrilled about me writing this,” she notes, though the couple grew supportive throughout the process. But, says the star, “this really is a book about me. I now get to step into being the most important person in my life.” The experience ultimately added a new layer to Washington’s bond with her parents.

“I really started to have so much more love and compassion and understanding for my parents,” she says. “Taking this deep dive into our family history made me put myself in their shoes and think about the things that they’ve had to navigate and what they’ve been through and what they’ve sacrificed. And it really made me feel closer to them.”

“Writing a memoir is, by far, the most deeply personal project I have ever taken on,” Washington told People in January. “I hope that readers will receive it with open hearts and I pray that it offers new insights and perspectives, and invites people into deeper compassion — for themselves and others.”

Have You Noticed ?

Lately, it seems every few days or weeks there is a new story that reaches my awareness related to Korean adoptees. Today, I have 2 to share in this blog. The Korean War was fought between North Korea and South Korea from 1950 to 1953. A lot of Korean born children came to the US after the war and in the decades since.

I discovered Kristen Kish in the current issue of Time magazine’s feature – 100 Next – The World’s Rising Stars and then found an interview in Bon Appetit – LINK>How Being an Adopted Korean Influences the Way Kristen Kish Cooks by Alyse Whitney, who notes – I was also adopted from Seoul (by a white family in upstate New York). She talked to Kish about feeling disconnected from Korean culture—especially the food.

Even before this, my husband pointed out a story in The Huffington Post – I Was Told My Parents Were Dead. 38 Years Later, I Got An Email That Changed Everything by Cat Powell-Hoffmann. As a Gemini, stories about twins fascinate me. She observes – “Was this why I could never shake that lonely gnawing in my belly when I was growing up? Was she the reason?”

Something that seems clear to me in reading both stories is how this cultural “exchange” failed to truly provide these adoptees with any cultural foundations. Kish was born in Seoul, South Korea as Kwon Yung Ran. After living in a few orphanages as an infant, she was adopted when she was four months old. Cat’s adoption records noted that she had been “abandoned at birth with no living relatives.” Contacted by a woman who worked at the adoption agency 38 years later, she is told – “you have family in South Korea. Your mother is alive and well.” And “You have a twin sister.”

The woman from the adoption agency forwarded two letters to Cat. The one from her birth mother addressed her by her orphan name, Yi Soon. Her words were tender and fragile. Her twin’s letter felt like living distant but parallel lives. Her reunion occurred in Tulsa Oklahoma, at the adoption agency’s corporate headquarters. She notes the “two women raced toward me with their arms outstretched and tears in their eyes.” She said meeting her twin was “like looking at a stranger wearing my face and using my voice — but one of us spoke Korean and the other did not. It was disorienting and bizarre to think I’d shared a womb with another human being and now I was meeting her again 38 years later.” Then she says, “The very first words my birth mother said to me were ‘Mianhae,’ which means ‘I’m sorry’ in Korean. Then she said ‘Saranghae,’ which means ‘I love you’.” Turns out that when she was born in 1973, twins were considered bad luck in Korea. Her mother had to choose and chose the first born twin. The cultural differences meant they didn’t understand each other, and they were accustomed to living very different lives. She says, “because of our language barrier, we were mostly forced to play charades to communicate, and I could barely get across the most basic sentiments, much less hold the heart-to-heart conversation I so desperately wanted to have with them.”

Back to Kristen Kish’s story – she writes, “As I grew up, I realized just how incredible it was to go from unwanted and abandoned by my birth mother to being part of a new, welcoming family, who felt only joy at my arrival.” Kish writes that adopted children are like “real-life Cabbage Patch Dolls” because they have their own special dates and certificates for when they are adopted and become citizens of the United States. Kristen Kish was adopted into a family in Kentwood Michigan. She says, “I love to eat Korean food, but I don’t need to cook it. Other people can do it better.”

Kish writes – “I don’t know anything about Korean culture. I was raised by a white family in Michigan, and I didn’t look in the mirror and think about why we didn’t all look the same. They are my family, and that’s all I know.” Also that “There’s this fondness I’ve always had for older Korean women—I soften up, and I can legit feel it inside my heart. They’ll be like ‘I’m so proud of you’ and it just crushes me, in this really sweet way,” Kish explained. “My life is f—king fantastic and I don’t want a Korean family, but we both know that there was another life that could have potentially happened. It’s the ‘what ifs?’ that get you.”

She has a positive perspective on her adoption but still hopes to one day at least go to the clinic where she was born. She notes – “I feel oddly disconnected because my family is my family. Maybe I wouldn’t have become a chef if I grew up in Korea. I was put up for adoption for a reason, whether I was unwanted or they couldn’t care for me, and my life wouldn’t have been as great. Being in a family that wants you, that life is much better.” Kish has been named as the new host of Bravo’s popular and long-running series “Top Chef,” which she won in it’s tenth season.

Abandonment Nightmares

It does not surprise me that some adoptees have nightmares related to abandonment. Here’s one –

I finally realized today why I have separation anxiety, why I do all the things I do. I was told around 4 years old I was adopted because my family didn’t want to take care of me, and that my adoptive parents stepped in and wanted to.

I started have extreme nightmares about being abandoned around 4-5, right after my adoptive parents told me I was adopted. They made me feel as though my biological mother didn’t want me, and that I should be grateful that they wanted me.

It finally clicked tonight. My nightmares started after I was told. I dreamed catastrophe was coming and my adoptive parents would yell “You’re on your own now” as they ran off to save themselves. Only reason it clicked was because my nightmares are back. I also started having extreme sleep issues around 4-5 years old.

I found an article about LINK>What is Abandonment? by Michael Hallett. He notes that “Some people are unfortunate enough to lose the support of a parent or significant other, often during childhood, creating feelings of abandonment” which certainly fits the experience of many adoptees. He goes on to elaborate – “Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss, cut off from a crucial source of sustenance that has been withdrawn, either suddenly, or through a process of erosion.” Which also fits the story shared above.

He goes on to suggest that there are five layers of trauma – Current Life, Generational, Community, Racial and Ancestral. He also notes that as we peel away the layers of the unconscious, we discover that abandonment can be caused by inherited traumas just as much as current-life events.

No real point other than, it does not surprise me and I’ve reflected on it quite a lot – especially as I have learned more about the adoption industry in general and listened to adoptee voices. My adoptee parents (both were adopted as toddlers) are deceased. Of course, I wish the details had emerged when they were yet alive. I wish I could have the deep conversations with them about their feelings related to having been adopted. Now, I can only listen to current day adult adoptees and contemplate what might or might not relate to my knowledge and understanding of my own parents during the time they were still present in my life.

You can read more about Michael Hallett and his interest in the topic at LINK>About.

Not Judging Culture But . . .

Today’s blog is not about the people pictured above who simply represent a Pakistani couple with their baby . . . but it (the story) is interesting never-the-less. Not judging another country’s cultural practices either but I agree with the person who shared this. She ends on this thought – “Am I weird to think this is a terrible practice and likely adds another layer to the trauma done to adopted people and natural mothers/parents?”

So I’m Pakistani and I’ve heard of this practice taking place among *some* Pakistani families and it rubbed me the wrong way, based on what I know about adoption and surrogacy. Basically, let’s say there are two brothers. Brother A and his wife have no issue getting pregnant and having lots of kids while Brother B and his wife are struggling with infertility. The next time Brother A and his wife are expecting, Brother B and his wife, or other family members, will suggest that Brother A and his wife give up this baby to Brother B so he and his wife can finally have a baby. So Brother A’s wife becomes a surrogate of sorts.

I personally know a family that did this and have been asked myself if I’d do this for siblings, in laws, cousins, etc. I find this problematic because to me there is an assumption that the childless couple has some sort of claim or entitlement to another couples child. From what I know, a lot of women are basically volunteered, so consent is not fully present — family pressure is crazy in Pakistani families. “Your brother has no kids and you already have three, don’t be selfish!”

It seems men/fathers are generally much more amenable to this practice. There’s also some men who will marry additional wives purely for the sake of having kids/more kids. To me, surrogacy seems problematic for many of the same reasons as adoption.

Rehoming

I’ve not read the book in the image above but the question came up – Can someone please explain the legality of adoption rehoming groups on Facebook and stuff like that? Like, I’m sure we all understand that’s literal child trafficking. But can someone help me understand how it’s legal?

One foster parent answered – It is my understanding that the agency that posts most of them (LINK>Second Chance Adoptions which is an offshoot of Wasach Adoption) is specifically licensed for this. I guess it is seen as no different than adopting an older child out of foster care for example. The agency can only adopt to specific states that allow it and all adopting families must be homestudied. I believe the agency itself operates out of Utah which has looser regulations than other states. That is not saying that I in any way agree with the practice.

One adoptee notes – It is heartbreaking and horrible on so many levels. Commodification of these children and looks like pet rescues — the worst part is how adoptive parents think that it’s a good thing to do… move a misbehaving puppy… I mean youth on to the next furever family. I cannot imagine the trauma and mental anguish that these children must endure.

Another adoptee chimes in – I often wonder how this is legal as well. Its totally disgusting and treats them like objects rather than people. Foster care/adoption fairs rub me the same way. Especially when it comes to children that will already be extremely traumatized.

Someone more knowledgeable shares – it actually operates under the same laws that govern domestic infant adoptions (DIA) – it’s private domestic adoption, only difference is unlike private infant adoption there aren’t more hopeful adoptive parents than children, which is reflected in the fees (and makes one wonder just who is pocketing the extra $30,000 for these adoptions). Any legal parent of a minor child of any age may privately place them for adoption through an accredited agency; the one difference is that each state sets an age that a child must consent to the adoption, which I believe is typically between 11-14. It really comes down to the fact our society treats children like property. What REALLY rubs me the wrong way is that (not unlike DIA, I guess) the current legal parents get to pick the new legal parents using whatever criteria they want. Like, if you’re dumping a kid, I don’t think you should be able to say – they can only be placed with a Bible-believing Protestant Cisgender family or whatever.

An adoptive parent acknowledges that – it is an absolutely horrid practice and so unregulated. Most “second chance adoptions” are not done this way, most are done over Craig’s List and other sites like that, leaving children so vulnerable and pedophiles are given a very easy way to welcome a child into their homes. It is disgusting and something that the American government needs to address and put a stop too. The idea that people adopt and then decide it isn’t working out for them is just something I don’t understand. Adoption is presented as a pretty package, when the reality is something very different, based alone on the trauma experienced by the adoptee.

Another adoptive parent asks – can biological parents stop parenting a “troubled youth” and place them for adoption? That doesn’t seem legal? If it isn’t legal, then it makes no sense at all that these rehoming adoptions would be. They are legally your children through adoption.

I tried googling that one’s question. It has long been possible to relieve one’s self of a troubled teenager by sending them to boarding schools (including military types) or wilderness type programs. These do not require the parents to terminate their parental responsibility. A court and/or child protective services intervention would be required to go that far – which might end in foster care but would not usually result in surrendering them for adoption (difficult to accomplish with an older child anyway – most age out of foster care). I’m certainly not the one to offer legal advice, just my intuition from what I have encountered over time.

Ethics of Destroying Families

All You Have Is Love documentary

Infant adoption has long been big business in the U.S. A typical domestic infant adoption runs between $40,000 and $70,000. Adoption entities – crisis pregnancy centers, agencies, lawyers, social workers and independent facilitators – may all profit from a finalized adoption. And the demand is huge! Each year, close to two million hopeful adoptive parents throw their well-crafted picture-perfect profiles into the adoption arena, hoping to be the chosen ones.

The documentary intends to explore, through interviews with birth family members, industry professionals and reform advocates, how the adoption process exploits expectant mothers. while providing infants to those hoping to adopt.

LINK>All You Have Is Love (hopefully coming in the Spring of 2024) is a project by Lisa Elaine Scott at Seed & Spark. She is a writer, video journalist and life-long human rights activist. The documentary will explore the challenges of an unplanned pregnancy and expose the tactics used to convince resource-less women to relinquish their babies. Most people assume that adoption is about finding parents for children when, in fact, the industry’s focus is on finding children for parents.

Is it ethical to build one family by destroying another ?

However, fewer than 1% of all pregnancies result in adoption. This means that most hoping to adopt will not. This also means that a lot of money is left on the table. So how does an industry survive with an inadequate supply? The answer: Rebrand with the promise of a “modern adoption.” Then find resource-less women and convince them that their babies are better off being raised by someone with more to give.

The documentary intends to identify the various entities in the pipeline, expose the myth of “open” adoption, and present community-based solutions and evaluate proposed regulations and reforms that will place the focus on family preservation.

Do watch the YouTube for an eye-opening view of what is really going on in adoptionland.

Unofficially Adopted ?

Many people have discovered that whether biological and genetic or adoptive, there are people who feel closer at heart and in mind with some other people, who are not actually either of those mentioned above. One hears about “chosen” family – not being chosen by hopeful adoptive parents – but choosing to feel like “family” with certain friends, even ones we have never met. I had never heard of being “unofficially adopted” before today but it does appear to be a situation that someone might experience, but NOT adoptees.

Here’s the story about it, that I read today (and this person is NOT an adoptee) – Did anyone else grow up with a highly dysfunctional family but have a friend’s family say you are one of their own and they were “unofficially adopting you”? I had 1 friend whose family “unofficially adopted me” and within 2 years turned against me. Then another friend whose family “unofficially adopted me” for over 10 years before turning against me harshly over something stupid. They built me up so much, only to tear me down worse in the end. I thought they were my family. I couldn’t imagine how it would actually end between me and both friends and their families.

Now I fully accept that my only family are my two kids. I completely cut contact with all of my blood relatives. I love my kids and I love loving them. But I wish I had family to love me the way I love my kids. I’ve had a lot of anger over what my blood relatives put me through and the people who said they were unofficially adopting me. Rage even. The constant reminders on a daily basis from the mistreatment I received by my blood relatives that left me with many terrible internal messages. And the two betrayals from “unofficially adopted family” leaving me completely devastated. It’s taken a lot to not think of revenge daily. I wish the worst for all of them. I’m otherwise a very understanding person. But they will never have my understanding. Has anyone else gone through this or feel this way?

Oh, and my grandma, who was my only blood relative that was truly there for me growing up. I don’t think I should hate her but I started hating her when after 5 years into adulthood I realized she made no effort to be in my life pretty much the moment I became an adult. Somehow I hate her the most out of all of them.

blogger’s note – this does break my heart and I feel so much compassion for this damaged soul.

An adoptee responded – I grew up with a highly dysfunctional adoptive family. I’ve also had to question what “family” means since birth. I’ve never been “unofficially adopted”, even though others have tried to claim the would/did. Nope. I don’t want anything to do with adoption and that includes fictional ones. My family is made up of biological relatives and those I’ve chosen to become legally family with. That’s it. There are no exceptions. Close and long friends aren’t “family”. They’re close longtime friends. This is important enough on its own and we don’t need to pretend it’s something else. Others have already tried to blur these lines for me. I refused to comply with that. Family isn’t replaceable or interchangeable.

Another person with a similar role in the group was compassionate – I think what might help you is to look at rage=hurt. It sounds to me like you’ve not processed your feelings. Discussing this in therapy would likely be helpful. I hear you. You’ve had so many people let you down and walk away, and because you love your kids, you can’t imagine how your family could’ve not loved you with that all encompassing love. And you feel the lack of love. That sounds very lonely and deeply hurtful. When you’re in rage, you’ll push away people who are open to getting close, and you may be less patient or kind than you want to be with your own children as a result. I strongly suggest getting into therapy to process those feelings. I get that – Rage is safer than hurt, but you need to be able to move through hurt, in order to move onto the next stage.

Compassion also from an adoptive mother – From your post I am hearing that you feel alone, you feel angry towards your biological family, you feel angry towards old friends, and you are currently feeling the most angry toward the people that you were closest to. I am also hearing some red flags like “rage” and wishing harm on people from your past. Is this all correct? I am absolutely NOT saying that there is anything “wrong with you.” I am saying that sometimes we get lost in ourselves and forget how to find our support network, and it is helpful to be reminded HOW to know, if we need them, and HOW to find them, if we do. It sounds like you may be calling out for help here. Are you?

Because many in this group actually are adoptees, who are privileged voices – there was more than a little bit of criticism – “Did you really just hijack an Adoptee/FFY PV space, as a mother who surrendered a child to adoption no less, to talk/complain/center your experience about friend’s families saying they were going to ‘unofficially adopt’ you?” And this one – “Being ‘unofficially adopted’ is nothing like real adoption girl. I can’t believe you brought this bs to this group. Seek therapy. That’s the only advice you’re gonna get. For you to even think this is appropriate is beyond me.” Then this, “I’m very confused. Are you not actually adopted…. It is wildly inappropriate to compare the two. Honestly, how dare you. That is just a GLIMPSE of what we actually feel. Reality check for you is – this isn’t the platform for you to talk about this in – and in all sincerity I hope you get help to heal from the trauma of a dysfunctional family…. But again in my flabbergasted voice it isn’t at all the same….”

Also a note of caution from someone who experienced foster care – Some of my friend’s parents were really abusive and would often offer me security and a sense of belonging as a control tactic to be honest. They’re the only ones who “considered” adopting me.

blogger’s note – Maybe the take away is to take such complicated feelings to the appropriate place to deal with them.

Our Missing Stories

My friend, Ande Scott, does a podcast called LINK>The Adoption Files. The Adoption Files seeks to provide a place for adoptees and allies to discuss the laws preventing adoptees from accessing their identities, and the emotional and physical challenges adoptees face in the process of dealing with the obstacles we face. I was once a guest on her podcast. Ande is also a late discovery adoptee – which means she grew up never being told that she was adopted and only found out much later as an adult. Today, she shared something so poignant, I needed to bring it here to reach others who might not be her friend on Facebook. Here is what she wrote –

As adopted people, we are severed from our stories. Along with photos, the greatest treasures I have received from family members are the few stories I have been told. My grandfather who testified against the mob, my other grandfather who walked back to allied lines after his bomber was shot down. The great-uncle who ran away to Australia.

My youngest expressed to me the loss he feels when he sees the photos, hears the stories, sees the traditions that thread together the strands of his friends lives.

I wish I had those things to give to him, that the false narrative had been the true story. Not the fantasy that was torn away from not just me, but my children as well.

I probably make my grandkids a little crazy, bombarding them with the stories of trips to the museum and days spent in Lego architecture and how I used to take their dad and uncle for “walks”; me on my quad skates, their dad in rollerblades, their uncle on a skateboard. How we would take turns carrying the eight pound dog when she was worn out from keeping up.

I want them to have stories to fill in at least a little of the void that stretches out behind them just two generations back.

Because being lost to family isn’t just about the adopted person.

It’s about everyone who comes after, as well.

blogger’s note – I was recently in contact with Barbara Raymond (author of The Baby Thief) which is about Georgia Tann, who looms large in my own mother’s adoption story. She said – you have more adoption in your family than anyone else I have heard of. It’s true. Not only were BOTH of my parents adoptees but each of my 2 sisters gave up a baby to adoption. That makes 4 adoptees in my immediate genetic, biological family. Long ago, as I was uncovering my actual genetic, biological grandparents, my youngest son said – you have a very complicated family. That is true and I’ve been doing my best to come to terms with that and integrate it into my own understanding of what family is. All 4 of my adoptive grandparents were “good” people who treated us well as genuine grandchildren. Learning the truth of my original genetic, biological grandparents did shatter that a bit for me personally. I’ve been doing my best to put ALL of the pieces back together again.

Some Thoughts

Adoptive mothers breastfeeding their adopted baby is a controversial topic. Even though it took assisted reproduction for me to give birth to my two sons, I was a devoted breast feeder – I fed each of them on the breast for over a year. So, I appreciated the perspective from one woman in my all things adoption group –

I grew up, and later lived with my breastfeeding babies in non privileged countries where formula was not a dependable option. Breastfeeding babies that weren’t related was common practice to keep babies fed. When I first read the outrage in this group over adoptive mothers breastfeeding, I felt personally attacked. I have breastfed other mother’s children and it really did feel natural. I didn’t engage in those conversations then because of my feelings.

I have taken the time to process what was said in those threads and it boils down to an understanding that adoptive mothers choosing to breastfeed is a selfish act. It is not child centered in any way. They are trying to force a bond that isn’t there. There is no way to steal a baby from their mother, then claim you are doing anything solely for the child’s well-being.

Another woman also pointed out the history of wet nurses with this comment – it was common in the past to have wet nurses, and more recently donated breast milk. I know a lot of people have feelings about breast milk and breastfeeding, but it truly is such a natural and amazing thing. I wish it wasn’t such a controversy.

Another woman noted – in response to an assertion that there is no nutritional value in medically induced breast feeding, which is what adoptive mothers do – “I’m a breastfeeding medicine doctor, and all breastmilk is nutritionally and immunologically superior to formula milks.”

Another person noted – there’s a difference between wet nursing for necessity and forcing a grieving infant to suckle you in order to fabricate some “as if born to” delusion. We’re talking about psychological abuse. If someone is being child centered, they should be pumping and feeding from a bottle plus this – the “first rule of lactation support” is: Feed the baby!

Someone questioned – wtf is a breast feeding medicine doctor? Where does one acquire that degree? And received this answer – I am a Certified Breastfeeding Specialist, on Pathway 3 to becoming an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant, and a Breastfeeding Medicine Physician is exactly what it sounds like— trained doctor at the base, who specializes in lactation management. They are rare and even more medically qualified than International Board Certified Lactation Consultants (who don’t have to become a doctor first, but do specialize in lactation through intensive study and mentorship). And yet another agreed – I’m an MD practicing family medicine and I specialize in prenatal through lactation. When treating for lactation, it’s referred to as breastfeeding medicine. Just like there’s no degree for a “cardiologist” or a “pediatrician.” It’s a specialty you choose as a medical doctor (MD).

Someone else noted – And not only that, this is the most common medication, LINK>Domperidone, to induce lactation— which is rare to access in the US to begin with (as it is off-label use). Human milk can also be induced with herbs, diet, and/or just stimulation, without medication. As someone qualified in lactation support, the amount of misinformation I see spread in this group about lactation hurts. And I’m NOT talking about the ethics of feeding a baby who is not your own, which I’m so thankful about the perspectives on. We don’t have to throw out the proverbial baby (human milk) with the bathwater (direct feeding an adopted baby).

Painful Reminder

From my all things adoption group today – I was SA in March which resulted in the baby that I am currently pregnant with. I have had a really hard time deciding what I should do as I already have a 4 year old and I’m scared that the emotions that I’m feeling could negatively effect how I raise this child. Some days I feel like I’m the best thing for her because we have bonded these last 28 weeks. But what if I can’t get past the trauma that I endured when I finally take her home? Would it be best for me to give her to a family that I hope would love her in all the ways that I wish I could? Or will I see her face and decide that she is mine regardless of how she came to be? I’m so scared at this point because I’ve seen a lot of adoptees say that they resent their NM for abandoning them and I don’t want this baby to feel like I don’t love her because even if she isn’t here yet, I definitely do! I just don’t know if the trauma will surpass my love and I don’t know what I should do… I’m posting this because I want the raw and blunt opinions of y’all. I want to know if you think that I’d cause more trauma keeping her or giving her up? As a mom already, I can’t imagine life without my 4 year old but I made those choices for her existence, whereas I feel I didn’t get any choices when it comes to this baby.

As I was looking for an image, I came across this piece in Salon. LINK>I got pregnant from rape by Renee Devesty from 2012 (so not in response to all the crazy stuff related to abortion being forced on women by extremist Republicans today). Actually, I remember the crazy ideas of Todd Akin back when.

Back to some of the thoughts in my group (adoptee voices are privileged). One adoptee said bluntly – “no one will love her like you. No one. Get into therapy now and start preparing to bring her home.” Another said – “If you love her already, that’s a very good sign. Letting someone else raise her is gambling with her life. I’ve always known I’m adopted, and the Complex PTSD didn’t show itself until I was 51. It’s been four years of hell. I’d rather not exist than be adopted.” That last sentiment I see frequently, including “I would rather have been aborted.”

A survivor notes – I worried much the same, that I’d struggle because they remind me of him. But they are and have been from day one, their own people. Even the traits that are recognizable as their other genetic half, are endearing in them. Your new baby didn’t have any more choice at their conception than you did, you are in this together. You already feel bonded, which is a huge sign that you can work through whatever trauma baby may bring. It may not be easy, some days may truly suck, but I think that is a part of parenthood even if the baby was planned to their first breath. I’m pretty sure giving up baby would be more traumatic to you than keeping baby, and it would be unquestionably traumatic to baby to be separated from you.

Empathy from this adoptee – “That something so beautiful can come from something dark & hurtful is amazing. Of course you can & do Love Her! She is a part of you right now. You are her home and her safe place. Please choose her, choose love, let her help you heal from your trauma. Don’t inflict the trauma of adoption on her. You both deserve each other & your other child deserves their sister too.”