Living In Delusional LaLa Land

Delusions are beliefs that are held by many people based on inadequate information. Often, such people are resistant to rational arguments or evidence to the contrary. In other words, there are beliefs about adoption and adoptees that are based on incorrect information about the actual experience or even worst still, a bias based upon a profit motivated agenda. Adult adoptees are speaking loud and clear today about what their own experiences have been. From the all things adoption group that I am a part of, an adoptee (who is also a former foster care youth, former foster parent and a mother) expresses herself quite bluntly, but honestly –

So many assumptions, stereotypes about adoptees, and whataboutisms. I just wanna say that most of us have jobs, lives, relationships, children (or grandchildren!) of our own and plenty of other life obligations. Yet we are there to share with you our honest experiences.

Talking about your own adoption and adoption in general, when you’re a grown adult who has spent years and years in therapy, healing and growing, is A LOT of emotional labor for many adoptees. So, the adoptee posting this, doesn’t care about nor does she want to hear opinions from adoptive parents. So, please don’t comment with some self righteous, “I am not like THOSE people” story.

In a space that is supposed to prioritize adoptee voices, adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents seem to want adoptees to hold their hand and coddle them, by sharing the adoptee’s own trauma. That group space is literally called “facing realities” for a reason. So many adoptive or hopeful adoptive parents are just living in a delusional lala land. That simply isn’t the reality for many of the adoptees who are there. If you find yourself is such a space – please be considerate of the reasons that adoptees are there.

What are those reasons ? Most of the adoptees that are there, are there, because they care about your children. Deeply. They don’t want more children sitting at a window wondering if their mom is going to come get them. They don’t want more children being told their feelings are wrong or that they should be grateful. They don’t want children to grow up and be treated like they are bad, when they finally start to come to terms with their feelings.

Adoptees are not in that kind of space to be there for adoptive parents. I say that respectfully. They are there for the kids. If you truly care about your children and want to learn, then pay attention and learn, when you encounter a space like that.

To any of the other adoptees and former foster youth that are there – please do prioritize yourself over any obviously self-centered people. Yes, it IS triggering to see the selfishness. YOU really do matter more. If you need to, take a day off. Start your preferred self-care ritual. Do not let selfish people drag you out of the happy place you’ve built for yourself. I see you. I’m proud of you. Your voice and feelings matter.

Kinship Care Providers

Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or, in some jurisdictions, close family friends (often referred to as fictive kin). Relatives are the preferred resource for children who must be removed from their birth parents because it helps maintain the children’s connections with their families, increases stability, and overall minimizes the trauma of family separation.

LINK>ChildWelfare.gov has a page related to this. Resources on changing family dynamics, financial and legal supports, and permanency. A page reviews State laws and policies that allow a family member or other person with close ties to a child who has been placed in out-of-home care to become that’s child’s permanent guardian.

Guardianship has emerged as a permanency option for a child who has been placed in out-of-home care as it creates a legal relationship between a child and caregiver that is intended to be permanent and self-sustaining and can provide a permanent family for the child without the necessity of terminating the parents’ parental rights. A guardian’s rights and duties, approving a guardianship home, modifying or revoking a guardianship, and kinship guardianship assistance are among the issues addressed.

There is a section that shares stories and advice from caregivers and birth parents who have experienced kinship care on the importance of maintaining boundaries, managing family dynamics, building trust, positive parenting and communication, and securing support.

Reunification

Today’s story – 4 years ago, we became aware that the mom of a child, female age 12, who had been placed in foster care in our community, terminated her parental rights. We had not been involved with foster care or with this child but we felt moved by her need for a home and became her foster and then, adoptive parents.

(By the way) we fought the coercion to adopt but were told it was necessary or she’d be back in the foster care system. We were inexperienced and should have fought that demand more – in hindsight. At least, we didn’t change her name. During our journey together, we have been able to help her re-establish a close relationship with her mom. (Contact between them had been terminated by court order.) Her mom has made such brave and significant changes, enough the her daughter was able spend the summer with her mom. This was something both them wanted.

Typical in such situations, of course, the girl now wants to stay with her mom. We are supportive of that and are working through the logistics that would allow her that option, for as long or short as she wants. We will provide financial support and as much connection as she wants from us.

Her mom lives about 45 minutes away – so there are certain ways we won’t be able to help, like giving daily rides. Does anyone have any experience with helping a child transition back to (their biological) parents ? Any advice for us, on how to be helpful in the right ways ?

Some sympathetic support comes – where we are located, that decision has to go through Child Protective Services. I looked into it for one of my adoptees. It was painless here and approved. This child still hasn’t chosen what she wants to do, now that it is an option. If she chooses to, then we need to go to court, to give the Mom guardianship so she can have the right for medical choices, school choices, etc. She knows that all of us will respect her choice and still be active in her life, just as we all are now. We will also be providing medical insurance and financial help.

Some cautions are given – you may want to look into reunification counseling, which usually focuses on kids who have been estranged from a parent due to divorce. You may also want to consult a lawyer to learn your risk of child neglect charges – it is easy to reunify legally, IF it was a voluntary private relinquishment. Depending on the backstory for that termination of parental rights – both you and the mom could be in legal trouble. if Child Protective Services finds out (also think through situations in your and the mom’s life, are there vindictive relatives who would report the girl for being with her mom, just to cause trouble ?)

Another chimes in – be extremely cautious with this. It could prove incredibly abusive and gaslighting for the child. The person above notes that she’d assumed it would be far less adversarial, than in a typical divorce case because all caregivers are encouraging reunion.

Lastly, let the child lead. Both mom and child will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to work through, therapy can help.

Reasonable Fears

Today’s story comes from a mom who gave up her first baby to adoption.

I am pregnant. 13 weeks. I am elated. Thrilled. Totally ready. And the whole thing is bringing up trauma after trauma from my first and only pregnancy which ended in coerced relinquishment at birth! To note here, the adoptive mother is going to refer to this baby as his half sibling.. which I will NOT approve of. This human isn’t half of anything..its a whole ass human..just like he has only half my blood and half his bio dad’s. But he’s not half my son..just like my partner’s sister is technically his half sister but nobody EVER calls her that. Why don’t we touch on how his current sister isn’t even his sister at all, she’s literally a biological stranger as much as his adoptive parents are. His adoptive sister. So, nobody calls her that! That’s because it’s belittling the relationship to do that. It’s not right. So no way am I going let her call my baby half anything.

Anyway… I am TERRIFIED to tell my relinquished, teenage son. How can someone who was seemingly discarded, given away and unwanted (he was none of those things to me, I wanted him badly but I too was a teenager, which I now know was ok. But *adoption *agendas) be ok hearing that they are about to have a bio sibling that is wanted, loved, ready to be cared for by their actual mother and not discarded ? I’m so afraid of what he will think. How he will feel. What he will hold on to in silence and not talk about.

We have had an “open” adoption for the entire 14 years of his life. But literally, now we both sit here on the edge of a cliff in what feels like ‘reunion’. In what universe does an open adoption even result in reunion anyway ? Also in what universe does a grown ass woman that bought someone’s kid think it’s ok to stop communicating with her child’s actual mother and leave him to the wolves as a teenager, to fully manage all communication with this essential stranger basically. 1, 2 or 5 visits a year was NOT enough. And it’s certainly not enough to now have him out there all alone just managing this wild relationship by himself.

I make sure to message him every 2 weeks no matter what. Response or not. He hasn’t responded in like 3 months or more. Until recently, when I asked him to go for a walk and talk. “The talk” but I didn’t mention that part. He said yea, and asked when I was thinking. He hasn’t responded again to my suggestions. I literally don’t know what to do. Or how to navigate this at all.

Really Missing The Point

This graphic image was posted in another group than the one indicated. It was posted in a group for all people who have an experience of adoption. I have learned a lot there. In the beginning, I didn’t know squat. I will admit it. Both of my parents were adoptees, both of my sisters gave up babies to adoption and even in my own life, I unintentionally lost physical (but not legal) custody of my first born daughter. All of this, I have learned, is at least somewhat, if not directly, related to my parents having been taken from their original mothers in the first year of their life.

So I did come into this particular group believing that adoption was a good thing. I got smacked down right out of the gate in getting to know this group. I shut up and started learning. One adoptive parent who adopted the children in her family out of the foster care system system, admits similarly – “There are a lot of things in this group that are hard to read. I will admit that my feathers were ruffled at first and thought I should leave. I’m so glad I didn’t because I have learned a lot that I hope will make me a better adoptive parent. The truth is spoken here. Sometimes the truth hurts but maybe that just means we need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”

One adoptee said – You know what pisses me off the most – about how they claim how “mean” adoptees are? The adoptive parents and foster parents that think that they can just “erase” the fact that the child was not born to them. Then, they think that when adoptees correct them, and say that our past SHOULDN’T and CAN’T be erased, we’re being mean. Like seriously, you want a “beautiful and life changing” relationship, but when somebody that has experienced what adoption is, and explains how to change it, it’s met with closed ears and we’re told “not every adoption is traumatic.” It’s absolutely infuriating. We’re trying to educate you, but honestly, you just want to continue to believe the stereotype and stigma that “adoption is all butterflies and rainbows” and it’s not. It’s just not.

One says – the anger is being treated as the minority opinion among adoptees, a voice that doesn’t matter and shouldn’t be as loud as that of grateful adoptees, because it is abusive to adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents.

To which one adds this clarification – I am more than my anger, and my anger doesn’t mean what I say is just out of anger. Calling people angry paints them as emotional and irrational, claims they see the world through a distorted lens or may make rash decisions. Being “angry” is a intentional mischaracterization.

No, when I’m angry, it’s because the research shows adopted people are suffering but “oh it’s just angry adoptees who had bad experiences projecting their trauma.” I’m angry because adoption in the US is a multibillion-dollar industry that commodifies the wombs and children of people in crisis, but hopeful adoptive parents don’t want to hear how they contribute to the demand for a domestic supply of infants. I’m angry when arrogant adoptive parents seem to think their kid’s experience will be the one that escapes trauma but they sound EXACTLY like my parents, and they don’t want to hear that.

I’m angry when people think there’s a magical formula where their kid will never have any hard questions for them, never develop any complicated emotions about adoption, never want to know where they came from. I’m angry when people assume any curiosity about our roots means SOMETHING about how we feel about our adoptive families. I’m angry when the people who could have a direct impact on the quality of an adopted child’s life come in here – expecting they won’t be told they have to learn and grow and change.

blogger’s note – A book consistently recommended in the all things adoption group (and one I have read myself) is Nancy Newton Verrier’s – The Primal Wound. What makes her unique is firstly – she is the mother of two daughters, one adopted and one her biological, genetic child. She also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology and is in private practice with families and children for whom adoption is a major component of their reason for seeking her out. She has both – heard much and experienced much – directly.

Unrecognized Trauma

I came upon this article – LINK>The Unrecognized Developmental Trauma of Early Relinquishment in Adoption by Meggin Nam Holtz in Visible Magazine. The link was shared due to someone else’s interest in researching both the positive and negative effects of adoption and that resulted in someone pointing to this link as one they have found useful.

In response to the initial research interest, one adoptee noted – unfortunately I think it’s harder to find the studies and statistics because no one wants to crush the pretty package of “adoption is beautiful.” However, if you check out the statistics of children raised by their biological parents vs raised by unrelated people, the kids raised by unrelated people are more likely to be abused, suffer various issues and not have the greatest outcomes.

The challenge is – We can’t even fully use that research since as soon as the child is adopted, they no longer fall into the “unrelated” category. My personal opinion is that, if research was honest, we’d see a lot less “natural” parents and their children listed under abusers or abused, in the mental health statistics. But again, society doesn’t want to acknowledge that taking someone else’s child and claiming it as your own might not be so great for the kid in the long run.

Also, if using google to research, I’m fairly certain you will be pulling up what everyone else is, ultimately, it’s a matter of what you’re willing to accept. You can go pretty much anywhere in the internet world and see undeniable proof of the negative outcomes of adoption, I hope all of those lived experiences that adopted people are telling the world aren’t secondary in your mind, due to them not being the result of technical studies done.

In other words – a Google search will give you the rainbows and unicorns story most of the time.

The link above is from a paper used in a Master of Social Work graduate school professional seminar related to child trauma. She notes that she is a female adopted person who was adopted in infancy and a clinical social worker working with the adopted population. VISIBLE Magazine® is an online publication committed to making storytelling accessible and inclusive. The publication actively privileges the work of those whose voices have been intentionally ignored or suppressed by traditional media outlets.

Meggin Nam Holtz notes – Permanent physical separation between birthing mothers from their babies is commonly referred to as “relinquishment” in the context of adoption. This discussion article will explore developmental effects of relinquishment occurring at birth and in the early days of an infant’s life. Examination of neurological, attachment, and developmentally positive outcomes attained through maintaining physical interactions between mothers and their infants during the first hours and days of infant life sheds light on what is missed if a separation occurs. Contrary to conventional beliefs and attitudes that a baby will not remember or be affected by early life experiences, the neurological impacts of stress in very early life such as relinquishment should be re-framed, acknowledged, and understood as a form of developmental trauma.

She goes on to frame the issue (and cites papers & studies) – there is a misconception in conventional attitudes that young children cannot and will not remember traumas experienced in their first few years of life. It is commonly believed that children “removed at birth may be spared the impact of ACES” (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and although adoptions that take place at an earlier age are often associated with better outcomes, adoptees who experience relinquishment at all ages are vastly overrepresented in mental health and substance abuse clinics, are at higher risk for mood disorders, mental health issues, and are four times more likely to commit suicide than non-adoptees. Adoptees are an unrecognized marginalized group deserving of specialized services that are currently lacking.

She hopes that her article debunks the myth that when placed into the best of circumstances, adoptees separated from their birth mothers in early life, do not face challenges due to long lasting developmental, emotional, and behavioral effects. The truth from the adoptees themselves is otherwise.

From there, she shares some of the history of adoption – From 1937 to 1965, the number of adoptions in America grew from 8,000 to over 70,000 due to the fact that newborns, as opposed to older children, became available. [blogger’s note – Actually, my parents were born and adopted in the 1930s.] And then adds that in the present day, there is often no waiting period at all between the actual birth and placing a newborn into the arms of an adoptive family. [blogger’s note – My parents DID spend at least the first months of their lives with their birth mother before being given to unrelated persons to raise.] She indicates that denying a newborn the smells, tastes, movement, and sounds of its birth mother creates a stress response.

There is much more in her paper, and if you are at all interested, I would suggest reading it.

Sadly, Too Common

Today’s story –

In March, my daughter’s adoptive parents messaged me, to let me know that I can no longer have visits with my daughter. It was made pretty clear that she is already being manipulated in some way and she is only four year’s old. They expressed that she did not want to see us and wanted to know why we didn’t want her. We were supposed to see her 6 times a year – at least – but it got cut down to once a year in 2020.

My daughter turns 5 in August and I have been struggling a lot. I really wish I knew then, what I know now, but since it’s impossible to go back, I am looking to find ways that I can support my daughter from afar, so that when she is older I can show her how truly loved she is and how much we wanted to be in her life. I would love input from adoptees on what you would have liked to know from your birth parents and what type of things would have helped in the healing?

(blogger’s note – when my daughter was 3 years old, I became an absentee mom. I never intended to remain out of her life for her entire childhood but that is what came to pass. What I did ? I did try to stay in touch. To avoid conflicts in her home with her dad and step-mother, I gave her a prepaid calling card, so that when it was not disruptive for her to call me, she could. It was very difficult at times, to go for long periods of time, not hearing from her. Even so, today as an adult, she understands better why things turned out the way they did and we do remain close. I feel lucky she did not cancel me out of her life entirely.)

I also tried to ask her adoptive parents if they would meet up with my fiancé (her natural father) and I without her there, just so that we could talk through some of our tension & start to rebuild our very awkward and one-sided relationship. They ignored that message. At this point I am tired of walking on eggshells. They have already cut off visits, so at this point I don’t feel I have much to lose. I would like to share the truth about the trauma adoptees face with them and the importance of keeping the relationship with the birth family accessible. I feel like it’s a disservice to my daughter, if I don’t do everything in my power to try to keep a relationship with her, but I really am at a loss for what to do.

One adoptee responded – so typical. Every adoptive parent is pro “open adoption”, until they’re not. I hope you are able to maintain some semblance of a relationship with your daughter. If you are unable to – please please please – keep a journal with your thoughts and feelings about her, any birthday cards/ gifts/Christmas cards etc. Keep them all – year after year. It’s so important to us that we are not forgotten, erased, and just discarded without a second thought. You can gift it to your daughter later on.

An adoptive parent writes – Proud of you for understanding how your daughter may feel. I find it extremely hard to believe that at the age of 4, she said she doesn’t want visits with you. I applaud you for trying to meet – just the four parents. I would encourage you to continue to request that meeting. Maybe you can word the request that you are wanting to help clarify why you placed your daughter. Again – not sure at 4 that she’s really asking “why ?” yet… Every child is different – and develops/processes adoption at different ages/stages.

My adopted children are from foster care and we are fictive kinship in that we are close friends with some of their extended first family. We truly requested to meet up with their mom, adults only, to get to know her. She never accepted. When my one child asked to see her, she was open and against our wishes of getting to know her first – we met and the visit went well.

I’d guess your daughter had behaviors after past visits and they are reading into the behaviors as her not wanting visits. When instead, she just needs them to just be present and supportive, as she walks through the confusing feelings. And then, they just may not understand that a child can love two sets of parents.

If nothing else – I encourage you to write letters to your daughter – be sure to date them. She will appreciate that when she’s older, to have the whole story.

Another adoptee suggests – I just wanted to say I’m so sorry this is happening! I would start a journal with dates for your daughter – where you write about your life, that you’re thinking about her, that you wish she was there for the holiday you’re celebrating, put photos in there, etc. Document that you tried reaching out to the adoptive parents. Then, when you do hopefully reconnect with her – make sure to focus on her, ask about her life experiences, etc. When I reconnected with my biological family, they weren’t interested at all in what my life had been like and it felt very selfish and one-sided. There were also some discrepancies in their story and I think having a journal to read through, would have put my mind at ease and felt very affirming!

Another adoptee added – Her adoptive parents sound insecure and awful. Stories like this enrage me. Those people did not deserve your child. For me, there’s not much my first parents could’ve said to undo the pain. They could’ve said how much they loved and wanted me…. But walking away spoke louder than any words they could say. All forms of adoption are hard – open, semi open, closed. Like it all sucks. All you can do is stay close, keep communication open and wait until your daughter is older and more independent. I hope her adoptive parents get their heads screwed on right and start putting the child first. Not their insecure wounds. Ugh….

A mother who surrendered her child to adoption but has been in reunion for 20 years writes – I suggest you copy the section in your paperwork that spells out what THEY agreed to at the time of relinquishment. Ask for a meeting to have a dialog about the promises. Ask for what you were promised. It’s clear they are likely getting hard questions from “their” daughter and are scared. That is on them. I’d request that your agreement with them be honored, that you will work with them to find a solution that works for all of you. Be firm. A four year old is no where near mature enough to have to deal with such a complex issue. It is on them to keep the agreement in place for the benefit of your daughter going forward. Keep copies of all correspondence with them, record phone conversations, record meet ups, and reassure them that your intentions are about the truth of the entire adoption experience. Period. Will they balk? Maybe – but you do not. Continue to request what you were promised – and document every exchange.

PS these adoptive parents are full of shit!!!

Another reunited adoptee who was in a closed adoption has good advice – At this point, you need to do everything possible to have whatever contact with your daughter you’re allowed. This is not the time to express anything negative about adoption to the adoptive parents, including adoptee trauma. If your daughter experiences mental health challenges in the future you can reevaluate this. Otherwise, the only adoptee you should be worrying about is your daughter.

Start keeping a journal for your daughter. This should not be confused with a personal journal for yourself. Use it to write letters to your daughter that you can give to her later. Focus on all the things you want to tell her and your love for her. Don’t use it to vent about your frustrations with adoption, her adoptive parents, or to process your grief. Use a personal journal for that. You have no idea where your daughter will be emotionally when she gets a chance to read it. Prepare for the possibility that by that point she may have experienced a lifetime of parental alienation and may be heavily “in the fog”. Consider telling her about events going on with you and your extended family, even if they aren’t solely about her. If next year your uncle Bob dies of cancer at the same age as his father, include things like that. Give her the oral family history most people have but adoptees, even reunited ones, usually don’t.

Another adoptee added – It’s not the job of the adopted child to deal with whatever feelings their natural parents have about the adoption itself. I know for myself personally I couldn’t really care less how sad my natural mother is about a choice she actively made – I am the one who had no choice or say in any of it and have now spent 35 years paying the price of everyone’s choices but my own.

A journal of factual information, especially those family histories, would’ve been welcomed. Especially since my natural father died some years ago and I don’t even know his name. I’ve had to try to piece together some of the family medical history which has been so stressful – especially after finding out I’m a carrier for cystic fibrosis.

We deserve the truth, not just about our parents but as much as we can get about our family.

A birth father who was also a former foster care youth noted – I got a postcard from the adoptive parents telling me they were severing all communication with me, a month after they left the state. I did nothing to warrant it. The adoption agency told me if I wrote her a letter. they would put it in her file. They wouldn’t give me or her mom their address.

One woman added – I would bet that they are also really uncomfortable with the idea that both of your child’s natural parents are still together and are getting married. That you would have a whole family that is biologically related to your daughter one day and the adoptive parents are just trying to cut ties before your child realizes that. There has been movement from some judges on the idea that natural mothers or fathers that were too young to have made the decisions they did and were being coerced can get a judge to step in and demand visitation. It’s worth a shot. I would pretend to play nice to adoptive parents and work behind the scenes, to see if you can’t get the contract honored in a more official way.

Another adoptive parent notes – Of all the truly messed up parts of adoption, this one for me is just the hardest to stomach. It’s what makes adoption feel like trafficking to me. The fact that we don’t have laws that protect these contracts and force adoptive parents to go to court to modify them, like we do in post-divorce parenting agreements, is criminal to me. And it’s a reminder that my own bubble of reality ain’t it – there are so many absolutely ignorant adoptive parents. My only suggestion is to offer group therapy with an adoption competent therapist who can be the educator. I just do not think you’ll ever be heard by them. They need a third party they respect, one who is some sort of authority in their eyes, to explain what is happening, how normal it is, how to navigate this relationship and the damage of severing ties.

An adoptee notes – This is why open adoptions are a coercive practice and the agencies know this and tell this to hopeful adoptive parents. Most open adoptions close within 1 to 3 years and it’s almost always on the end of the adoptive parents. They can’t handle sharing a child they bought and paid for to satisfy their selfish needs

Babyworld

Today’s story is courtesy of an article by LINK>Vanessa Nolan in Severance Magazine.

It begins – Welcome to Babyworld. The fun, easy way to start or grow your family, ease your infertility pain, and forget about your worries and insecurities for a while. At the start of the game, you’ll be provided with one or two children to make your own. If you want to splash the cash, you can import additional infants, available in a range of ages and colors at different price points. Or why not go for our premium product endorsed by celebrities—the rainbow family?

Will you take your chances with “potluck”? Your potluck children will be selected by the algorithm, written by our in-house team of experienced social workers. There’s no guarantee that they will pass as your natural children, and they may have additional needs of their own you are unprepared for. Or will you take time to follow the detour and visit the Build-A-Child workshop? There you will get to choose from a variety of physical, intellectual, and temperamental attributes. Your Build-A-Child will then be matched as closely as possible with a child from the pool of those available. Be aware, though, that it may not be possible to find you a match. Plan your strategy. Wait for a product that more closely meets your needs or take the first available child.

Please DO read her entire piece. It is one adoptee’s unsparing account of the rules of the game of adoption.

Difficult Father Issues

Today’s story – my 13 year old’s biological father wants to terminate his parental rights and the only way the state will allow that to happen is if my husband adopts my child. This is not something I ever wanted to happen and I tried very hard to avoid things getting to this point.

In the past under joint custody, he has refused to consent to therapy, refused to allow the children to take their medication, changed their class placements against their will, withdrawn them from extracurriculars, cancelled doctors appointments, picked up their glasses from the eye doctor and then, refused to give them back to us, etc… it’s just been a lot. At this point, he also hasn’t seen our child for the last four years, by his own choice. My husband is already raising my child and has been for most of their life. They already live here 100% of the time. So, logistically, this would not change anything.

If we do the adoption, I will be able to get my child back in therapy, to help them begin to work through all of this. Also with the adoption, comes the option for them to change their last name. They have their biological father’s last name. They are ADAMANT that they want to get rid of his last name and take mine. I did not change my name, when I got married. So it isn’t my husband’s last name. My last name is pretty important to me. I never knew my biological father or anything about him, and my mother did not raise me (I was a kinship adoptee). My last name has always felt like a connection myself, if that makes sense. It’s one of the very few things I can trace through generations and say ”this is where I came from.” My child knows this and I think wants to have a part of that as well.

All of that said, I feel weird about changing their name. So, I wonder if I should encourage them to keep his last name. There is a lot of trauma and hurt associated with that name for them. My hesitation is – do I feel they are old enough to have the final say in this. I really never wanted this for them and I am feeling horribly guilty about all of it.

Someone shared their personal experience – My husband adopted my child (this was an adult adoption), we asked their input and what they wanted. We made it clear it was 100% their choice and in no way did we want to influence such a big decision either way but we discussed scenarios and options in length and made them wait a while to make sure they still wanted it changed and it wasn’t out of spite or anger or a split second decision.

This is a different scenario than an adoption of a young child who cannot consent (this was really hard for me to accept but necessary to understand). Your child is consenting and wants their name changed. Names are very triggering, even for my adult child, when they hear their original name it always makes them lose their breath. It is ok to change their name, it’s ok!

Another person confirmed – in my state the court will not terminate the parental rights of a father, if there is a step-parent who could adopt. A father can’t terminate his rights without adoption because legally, it leaves the child fatherless. It’s something that, if allowed, could lead to parents requesting termination to avoid being required to support their children.

Hard To Process

As much as I share here, the truths can be hard to process. Many will simply go on and have the experience, even if they have been warned in advance about the challenges they will face and more importantly the life they are going to impact with their decision to adopt a child.

Many come into my all things adoption group having already taken that step to adopt a child. So, they are learning in hindsight but at least they are trying to understand what they are involved in at that point. Life is like that. No matter how many people try to tell you something you don’t want to hear, you are going to go your own way regardless, and then you learn in the fire of reality.

One of those hard to process realities is when an adoption begins as what is defined as “open.” It is not uncommon for these to become more “closed” over time, even if that was not the intention going in. Today’s story is a typical experience.

My son’s adoption is open by name only at this point. His genetic, biological mother and I texted for the first 2 years but I have not heard from her for the last 9. I send pictures and updates 3 times a year because that is our agreement. She has not seen him or spoken to him since his placement day and he was placed with an interim care family at birth.

My question is for other first mothers. My son has recently expressed interest in speaking with his original mother. I know that having a relationship with her will make a huge difference in his health and happiness long-term. I want to be respectful of her needs and desires but I would like to see if there is any possibility of facilitating contact. My thinking is that it will be easier to start contact at this age (he is now 11 years old), in case his feelings and questions get more complicated as he gets older, which seems likely. I plan to send her an email suggesting the possibility of speaking or meeting at some point in the near future. Is there anything I could say / should not say to make this easier? I don’t want to push, just to be a catalyst if this is possible.

I am happy to ask him what questions he might have and let her know ahead of time, or structure the meeting/phone call/emails in any way that would make it easier for her. I know it is hard for her and I wonder if contact would make things easier. Of course, there is so much that I don’t understand about her experience. What I do know is that there is a whole world of relationship between them – whether they meet or not. I know I am a bystander to that and I am fine with it. I just want to create an opening for them and see what they will make of it. Do you have any insights or advice for me as I navigate this?

She began her request with – Some of the truths about adoption as shared here have been hard to process but I am happy that I am learning. That is why I have titled this blog as I did. To reach out among adoptees and former foster care youth is to be vulnerable to hearing perspectives that may be uncomfortable.

Some selected responses – sending updates 3 times a year because that is your agreement is a generic way to manage what is a very paramount relationship. Regardless of what you agreed to, you should have done more. Sticking to an “agreement” does not show her how much she matters. Keeping her in his life all the time is what should be done, until she tells you not to. Moms make agreements usually for much less than they actually want because they walk on eggshells around hopeful adoptive parents. She does not have to answer, but you should have been showing her more often, how much she counts.

This woman’s response was – It’s been hard to know how to be in a relationship with completely one-sided communication. In the absence of communication about what her wanted, the agency social worker advised me to stick to the agreement. We discussed text vs email and I was advised that text might be too immediate, if she wanted to withdraw at that time. I would have much preferred being in closer contact and being able to send off a photo or thought whenever it struck me. I see now that the guidance that I got was not great and that I should have explicitly asked her for clarification about what she wanted. I was trying to honor what I thought she wanted, which seemed to be more distance. It’s been so confusing navigating this without any guidance.

One of those first mothers replied – Stay out of their relationship as much as you can. It is not about you at all and he AND his mother need to know that you understand that. To which the woman replied – Do you mean once a contact relationship is established by me? I could facilitate our son sending an email himself but I would be afraid of the disappointment of not getting a response. He is still pretty young, he is not feeling a pressing need to get in touch (consciously at least), just casually said to me that we should call her and say hi on his birthday. This is mostly being led by me seeing that things will get more complicated as he gets older and hoping to create an opening for them now. But once contact is established (if!) this is invaluable for me to know.

Another first mother answered – I think sometimes adoptive parents try to reassure or instill pride in the original mother by showing or telling them how well their child is doing. I would hold off on that. Natural mothering instincts are suppressed, when you place a baby. That mother needs to know her child is hurting. She needs to know there is a hole only she can fill and that it will remain empty without her. I can only imagine how hard that would be to say and hear and feel as an adoptive parent but in my opinion the first mother needs that. They need to hear they are needed as a mom. So much of what happens during and after placement tells the original mother that they are no longer mothers. If she does not feel like a mom, she will not act like it. Which is never best for a child.

An adoptive parent asked – how do you do this without causing shame to the mom? The response from a first mother was – the mother needs to feel shame. It’s part of our journey and a pivotal moment on our way to accepting accountability for our actions. I know it’s tempting to relieve that ,especially if you’re concerned with how that mother will react. But saving someone from their emotions only hinders their progress. And I’m not saying try to force shame on her or say things to purposefully hurt her. I am saying if you tell a first mother her child is hurting and needs her, and if her response to that is feeling ashamed, that’s ok. That’s how a mother should feel, when they learn they’ve hurt or are hurting their child.

An adoptive mother shared – Our kid’s mother and I tackled that conversation in the past year. I opened the conversation with the need of the child – “Child m is struggling with xyz, what do you think about that? You would have the best insight as child m’s mom.” I know about her background from conversations we have had previously, so I was also able to mirror some of what she had shared back. For me, the conversation was focused on what she thought was best or what the child needed. Not on did she do that as a kid or gaining like medical background from her. Because that feels like I’m just gaining information, not asking her to brainstorm or advise me. I also started to ask her permission for other parenting decisions to gain her input. That also helped us build that kind of relationship. And it can be small things too like child c wants to pierce their ears, is that okay with you? Child s has asked to try public school instead of private what are your thoughts? Child e is going out for xyz play, did you ever act or sing? Any advise for child e? For us, this reaffirms her as their mom because she is. It also gives us a way to update her about her kids and their life choices, events etc without it always being the same “so and so is great, here’s some photos of them smiling.”

Another first mother admitted – I know that if my children’s adoptive mother reached out saying my kids wanted contact, I would JUMP on it. Anytime, anywhere, any way I could. But then again, I couldn’t imagine having the option to see my kids and not taking it. I would traverse the depths of Hell to get that opportunity. My advice would be to reach out and just tell her that her child wants to get to know her, and that the door is open for her.