Born Twice

At his website, LINK>David Bohl writes – I am often asked about the title of my memoir, Parallel Universes, and how I came up with it. There are many different reasons it fits for me, but the simplest explanation is that I needed to describe what it was like to be born twice during one lifetime—as someone who had been relinquished at birth and as someone who recovered from addiction and healed from trauma. And I also needed a title not just to my book, but to my life, something that would be stamped into the fabric of my world and signal both to me and to others as to what sort of story I’d been living.

Being able to share stories is what makes us feel less alone; it’s what connects us more than anything. Sharing stories is also how we honor and acknowledge both our pain and our joy, how we situate ourselves among others, and how we relate. Being able to share and being known is one of the first steps to healing. blogger’s note – I believe this. That is why I am often sharing other people’s stories – because we are able to learn from their experiences.

It’s a human pursuit to look for the meaning of life, to try to make sense of the world and of our past. Stories also inform how we might act in the future. He notes – I didn’t arrive at my Parallel Universe place out of the blue nor easily. I had to face my Reality, however painful, and I had to look back into my past for some answers. I got enough context that I was able to develop that narrative.

Every abandoned person has to acknowledge that there was a family of origin, but how they deal with that is unique to each person. blogger’s note – even for the child of two adoptees, it was somewhat startling to come to grips that there were these other people, to whom I am genetically related, out there living lives I was totally unaware of, as they were also totally unaware of me.

My own dad was one of these – There are people who prefer not to know anything about their origins, who don’t consider the alternative reality that never was – where they grow up with different parents and in different circumstances. And there are people for whom this knowledge is essential and who find solace in putting as many puzzle pieces together as possible. blogger’s note – And that one was me.

He end with this thought – There is no wrong or right way to do this. I’ve talked with people who shared that their apprehension comes from not being able to find closure and not wanting to add to their problems. There are people who have tried to find closure and ended up further traumatized. There are people like me for whom those findings were a bitter-sweet discovery, one that I’m still processing and probably will process for the rest of my life. What unites all of us is that we all need some kind of a narrative to our life to simply make sense of it.

Making Comfortable

Life is complicated for me at the moment and stuff keeping taking all my time and I can’t get what I want to do done at the time I would like to. This is becoming more common these days thanks to inexpensive DNA testing. Explaining today’s effort –

I was recently contacted by a woman who believed my grandmother was her mother and she was adopted at birth. My grandmother denied being this woman’s mother, but due to the DNA results she had showing a relationship to my grandmother’s cousin (my grandmother didn’t know her father or cousins and states she wants nothing to do with them) I opted to take a test, as did my father. My results came in this morning, my father’s are pending for a few more weeks.

The results showed that she IS my Half Aunt, as we expected. I haven’t spoken to my grandmother yet nor has my father told my other aunt that they have an older sister, as he wants to wait until his test results are in. In the mean time, I have been building my own relationship with this cousin I never thought I would meet.

That all being said- my grandmother is most likely going to continue to deny that this is her daughter. My father and I do want to continue to pursue a relationship with my aunt but she has mentioned that she doesn’t want to make any of us uncomfortable or “Rock the boat”. I notified her the moment I had my results but I don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her to have a relationship, going too fast or coming on too strongly but I want to make sure I effectively communicate my support and wish to have her in my life.

My question is: Assuming my grandmother continues to insist on denying her existence, what is the best thing I can do to help her feel more welcome with the rest of us?

We’re not worried about my other aunt accepting her nor my cousins, overall everyone would be pretty positive about it, aside from Grandma. I don’t want her to feel as if she needs to leave us alone for the sake of ‘keeping the peace’ (not that there has been any, my father and I had pretty much cut my grandmother out of our lives years ago due to other unrelated events) and I want to help make her as comfortable with us as possible and build that relationship with all the time we lost until now. I am allowing her to take the lead but want to make sure I don’t overstep or make her feel unwanted or left out in ANY way. If anyone has suggestions or an idea of the role I can play in reunion I would deeply appreciate it as we learn about our family and help her step back into our family.

One suggestion that probably won’t fly, although logical, was this – Have you offered your grandma the idea of submitting her DNA? It’s not for everyone but if she truly isn’t the mother, she may want to clear it up. This woman deserves to know where she comes from and if it’s your grandma, it’s not her secret to keep.

But maybe this – about making your Aunt feel truly welcomed — make sure to include her *casually.* Don’t only contact her about big stuff, holidays, DNA news, etc. Send her a pic of your coffee or a meme and let her know you’re thinking about her and hope she’s having a good day. Include her in group chat texts with other family members. Let her in on the family jokes. Reach out a lot, and give grace if she doesn’t always respond. Ask her questions about her hobbies, interests, life – and then follow up (“you mentioned the other day you’ve always wanted to learn to crochet – I found a free crochet book at the library and thought of you instantly. Can I send it to you?”). In a non-related context, I’ve been the recipient of (what felt like) obligated communication and it can really feel hurtful.

You Can Go Slow

Today’s story/question –

I just learned in the past couple months that I have an older sibling that was placed for adoption a decade before I was born. My mom was assaulted as a teenager and decided on adoption. My sibling reached out to our mom earlier this year and they have been in touch since. I’ve recently started emailing them as well and we are all planning to meet in person at the end of the summer.

My heart breaks for my mom going through an assault and loss of her child, my older sibling, and selfishly for myself that I missed out on having an older sibling all of these years.

I am curious if anyone who has gone through a reunion 40+ years after an adoption and specifically a sibling reunion has any recommendations on how to proceed. I want to treat carefully as I realize this experience is likely extremely emotional for my mom and sibling.

Blogger’s note – because both of my parents were adoptees, who died knowing next to nothing about their origins, I have been (in effect) on my own kind of “reunion” journey, as I was able to learn who my original grandparents were, with genetic cousins and one aunt.

I found this response useful –

I reunited with my siblings before my biological parents, my brother specifically who was kept by my biological mom and my biological sister through my biological dad who was also adopted out. Just go slow and don’t force it. I talk to my brother through text on holidays but I talk to my sister all the time. She become a friend and an actual sibling. And I’m 32 and this happened recently. Just don’t push and find small things to connect on. My sister and I both connect over our left leaning politics.

Abandoned at the Playground

Short on time today, so I am sharing this essay from LINK>Severance Magazine by Akara Skye.

My mother dropped me off at an empty public playground without a goodbye or a promise to return. I reluctantly and dutifully got out of the car. The playground and I drew a heavy sigh. We were alone together.

I shuffled over to the swing set determined to make the best of it. The hot wind kicked up, covering my face with a dusty film. For a moment, it clouded my vision, and I wondered if it might be better to not see clearly. To not see the truth of the matter; that everyone will leave me. What did I do to deserve this?

If both the mother I knew and the mother who relinquished me at birth could leave me, it would be easy for others to do the same. My birth mother didn’t come back for me, but went on to a brand new, shiny life including children, the ones she kept. Now my other mother has left me. Would she come back?

Hours passed, and the sun began to set. No other children had arrived and neither had my mother. I wondered if this would forever be my landscape. Dusty, dismal, and deserted.

I saw her car coming up the road just before dusk. I couldn’t read her face. Was it full of dread and desperation, or maybe it was full of joy and excitement? Had she done this with her other daughter, the biological one?

Put on your game face, I told myself. Act grateful. Don’t ask questions. The car rolled up. No honk, no door swinging open. I got in, and we drove off. The forever silence between us.

On the way back home, I was already worrying when, not if, this would happen again. What if she didn’t come back the next time?

I do remember another place. A happy place. I would ride my purple Schwinn bike with the flower basket and plastic streamers, to a neighbor’s backyard, two miles from my house. I was alone, yet it was my decision, so it didn’t feel like punishment. Their backyard was unfenced and sloped down to a creek. The surroundings were calm and peaceful, shaded and cool, nothing like the dusty dry playground. The breeze rustled through the leaves of the protective trees which bent over the water. The water lightly danced over the gray, brown, and white stones and pebbles. An occasional flower petal gently fell onto the sprays of water.

I was proud that I could sneak in without being detected. Little did I know that the neighbors were watching me, much like they might watch a stray cat who appeared at their back door.

Regardless, I was happy there. The place was the opposite of the disparaging playground; even though I was alone at both places. But perhaps I should get used to it. Everyone leaves.

Akara Skye is a domestic, Baby Scoop era, closed adoption, late discovery adoptee. She is estranged from her adoptive family and unacknowledged by her birth family. Skye is on the executive board of directors of AKA, LINK>Adoption Knowledge Affiliates. She hopes to increase awareness that adoption is not all pink, perfect, and polite but is layered with trauma for all involved.

Birth Identity Nullification

My adoptee dad used to like to tease my adoptee mom by calling her by her birth name of Frances Irene. It wasn’t until his own adoptive parents died that he knew his original surname – Hempstead – only he didn’t know if that was his mother’s or his father’s surname. It was his mother’s as she was unwed at the time she gave birth to him.

I was reminded of this by a Substack email notification from Tony Corsentino titled LINK>Falsification. I recommend reading his blog. He notes “There is a hanging file folder in my desk drawer that holds both my birth certificates.” Of all the potential “universal” issues that adoptees face, it is that they are denied the name they were born with and that was recorded on their original birth certificates.

My mom’s adoptive mother wanted to realize her fantasy of having her very own Jack and Jill, so she renamed my adoptive uncle “John” and my adoptee mother “Julie” – a touch of higher sophistication, as was her usual expression of personal taste. Adoptees, in effect, live a false or assumed identity, unlike most other human beings.

In considering this and looking for an image, I came across two things that I will share with you here today. The first is from Psychology Today titled LINK>A Guide to the Fantasy Bond. To my quirky intellect, it fit the circumstances. Lisa Firestone PhD is a clinical psychologist, an author, and the Director of Research and Education for the Glendon Association. She is also the daughter of Dr Robert Firestone, who’s theory became the book – The Fantasy Bond.

She writes – The fantasy bond acts as a defense, helping relieve anxiety and emotional pain at times of distress. It is a way of maintaining an illusion of safety and security at those times when we experienced overwhelming frustration, hurt, or even terror. Infants have a natural ability to comfort themselves by using images and memories of past feeding experiences to ward off the anxiety of being temporarily separated from their mothers. Fantasy helps reduce feelings of hunger and frustration. The child’s illusion of connection compensates or substitutes for inadequacies in the early environment. In an attempt to cope with the emotional pain and restore a feeling of comfort, infants merge with their primary caretaker (often the mother) in their imagination, magically believing they are one with that person—feeling like the all-powerful parent and the helpless infant, all in one. This fantasy of being connected to another can give a child an illusion of safety, even immortality, which later helps him or her cope with existential realizations and fears.

Then, I stumbled on the one that my image came from – LINK>Sometimes we need fantasy to survive the reality by someone named “Heather”. She writes – As Albus Dumbledore said, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” However, there are moments in life you must tap into your fantasies to make it through tough times.

Unfortunately, our society often stigmatizes daydreaming and fantasizing as a lack of motivation or seriousness. However, that’s not always true. Fantasizing is a natural part of being human and it plays a significant role in building interpersonal relationships and manifesting future goals and dreams.

While Dumbledore’s words are wise, the truth is, sometimes we need fantasy to survive reality. If you find yourself going through a rough patch, some fantasy might be just the thing that gets you back on track. I have read that adoptees frequently fantasize about their first mother.

A Need To Know

Today, I read this from an adoptive mother – my adoptive daughter wants to research her background with a DNA test. She wants to know her origins and research whatever comes up. We homeschool and she wants to do this as part of her schooling. She just turned 14, so the questions I have are:

(1) Which DNA company is best ?

(2) How do we handle the info she gets ? No one knows who her natural father is, including her natural mother.

I don’t know if it would name a dad. How would we handle that, since her natural mother doesn’t even know who he is ? The father certainly has no clue he created a child.

The adoption is closed. She doesn’t have contact with her natural mother but I do. Honestly, I’d let there be contact but my husband is against it.

This is something I’ve had experience with. Both of my parents were adoptees. Neither really knew anything about their origins. My mom tried to find out with Ancestry but other than some ethnicity information, it didn’t get her where I think her heart wanted to go. I didn’t even know that she had done this, until I did Ancestry simply because I never knew my ancestry. I used to joke I was an albino African because no one, including myself, could say otherwise. I thought my dad was at least half Hispanic. My mom did have a bit of Mali, probably because her ancestral line included slave owners. My dad was half Danish. Who knew their complexion could be so dark ?

I did make progress with both Ancestry and 23 and Me. It helped that I had some names to go by. I rarely pay much attention to either these days. 3rd and 4th cousins don’t mean much. Ancestry was helpful in putting together my ancestor’s family trees and looking at human migrations as well as employment history where noted. 23 and Me brought me into contact with my paternal grandmother’s family. My dad’s father doesn’t seem to have ever known about his son. There is still extensive family in Denmark. My DNA has helped me prove my legitimacy as a family member.

Today, I read this – “Your DNA matches are probably your relatives. But a DNA test only suggests a relationship exists.” That is as truthful as it gets and as informative. Without names, it is only a mystery to solve.

From another child of adoptees I read this (it also proved useful for my nephew in his own search and connected him with his true father – information my sister tried to hide from ALL of us) – We used Ancestry, 23&Me as well as Search Angels to find my grandparents. Ancestry was the best in terms of ethnicity and finding my grandmother’s side of the family. Search Angels used the Ancestry information to find grandfather’s information.

I highly recommend this tool for getting answers, but you also need to be prepared for a lot of information that will generate more questions, as well as open the door to biologically related family. This is a GOOD thing for your 14 year old but she also needs support at home while processing this information. If your husband is going to cause issues, I would bring her therapist in to be part of this journey. I’d also add some extra sessions where you can join and create a plan for how to support her.

This is such an important thing for her to do and you owe it to her to support her. Remove any barriers that will cause guilt, shame, frustration at home. It will bring you all closer. If your husband gets in the way, be ready for her to resent him (and possibly you) over time.

Not A Favorite Child

Ida Ten Eyck Totto O’Keeffe 1864-1916

Georgia O’Keeffe’s Mother

“I was not a favorite child, but I didn’t mind at all.”
~ Georgia O’Keeffe

We watched the movie in the youtube trailer below the other night. Georgia was the second of seven children born to Francis O’Keeffe and Ida Totto.

Her mother’s influence may have been more decisive than her father’s, who she felt closer to. Her mother was somewhat aloof and aristocratic. She wanted to expose her children to a life of culture. She made certain that they got well-rounded educations. She took Georgia and her sisters by buggy every Saturday to Sun Prairie, three and a half miles away, for art lessons. Undoubtedly, her mother’s values and the example of her grandmothers, both of whom painted flowers and fruit, had some influence.

Moving to Williamsburg Virginia, her father’s grocery did not prosper and her mother was disappointed and moved to Charlottesville. She struggled to make ends meet in that university town by taking in boarders. After a long illness, she died in 1916. She was fifty-two years old and impoverished when tuberculosis killed her.

In the movie, Georgia O’Keeffe, she describes in more vivid detail than I can find online, how awful her mother’s death was. Georgia was only 29 at the time. I was so touched by that, and could feel the pain she could hardly begin to express, that I wanted to write about her “missing mom.”

The movie we watched is a 2009 television film for Lifetime. The movie earned more total nominations than in the history of Lifetime Television combined, making it the most critically acclaimed film in Lifetime’s history. It was shot entirely on location in and around Santa Fe, New Mexico. The executive producers worked closely with the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum, specifically with curator and leading scholar on O’Keeffe, Barbara Buhler Lynes, to make sure issues of accuracy and content were done with sensitivity and attention to detail. The filmmakers were given permission to film at O’Keeffe’s home in Ghost Ranch, near of Abiquiú, New Mexico, the first time a film company was given that privilege.

More Common Than Believed

I am often surprised to discover an adoption connection in someone I have known but did not know that about them. In discussing the weather, a friend casually commented – I was born in Virginia, my uncle arranged my adoption 2 months before my birth, my adoptive parents raised me in Chicago.

I replied – oh my !! I did not know this about you. Every day I write a blog about all things related to family separations – primarily adoptions. My parents were BOTH adoptees. My maternal grandmother was sent away to Virginia to give birth to my mom, when my maternal grandfather for whatever reason (and I have many ideas about it that can never be confirmed) left her in Memphis 4 months pregnant. She didn’t give my mom up in Virginia but brought her back with her to Memphis Tennessee. She tried to reach my grandfather who was in Arkansas (they were actually married) – there was a big flood going on in the Mississippi River at the time and I suspect that was part of whatever obstacles. I have met my cousin in my maternal grandfather’s line who does not feel he was the kind of man to not respond. Regardless, Georgia Tann (the baby stealing and selling woman) got ahold of my mom and she was transported by her adoptive mother to Nogales Arizona.

Adoption touches more lives than many people suspect.

PS – If you don’t know about LINK>Georgia Tann, there is a Wikipedia article that covers her generally and more than one book has centered on her.

Happy Endings

Christopher Emanuel, a Black father from South Carolina whose daughter was adopted without him knowing, has finally gained full custody after an intense court battle. Since then, he has also founded an organization called the Sky Is The Limit Foundation to help other fathers who are going through the same ordeal.

In 2014, Emanuel said his girlfriend, who is white and whose family did not approve of their relationship, placed their newborn daughter Skylar for adoption without his permission. “I was lost, man, I was hurt, I was confused because I wanted to insure that I could be there for my child,” he said.

Since Emanuel knew that his girlfriend was pregnant, he listed himself on February 4, 2014 on the Responsible Fatherhood Registry, a South Carolina database for those who fathered a child but were not married. With that effort, he was supposed to be notified if the child was put up for adoption. But when a family filed a motion to adopt Skylar on February 19, 2014, Emanuel wasn’t informed.

The adoptive family, who were from San Diego, were able to adopt Skylar even though they’re from another state due to a South Carolina law that allows out-of-state adoptions under special circumstances, including when a child is biracial. Emanuel endured a lengthy court to dispute the adoption. He said at some point, he even considered just adopting his own daughter back as he almost lost hope he would see her again.

After a year, a judge sided with Emanuel as court records clearly showed his paternal rights were terminated without his permission. He was then granted sole custody of his daughter.

Emanuel’s non-profit organization empowers, educates, and promotes responsible fatherhood through seminars and one-on-one counseling. The range of services provided includes parental development, character development, legal guidance, and registry assistance for adoption. Through the responses from social media, it has become very obvious that there is a need in our communities for such a service. The positive results from such father-to-child connection and proper parenting are a reduction in teen pregnancies, fewer behavioral problems, and continuation of schooling at the high school level.

Do Different Surnames Matter ?

Illustration by Barry Falls

Today’s quandary – I’m an adoptee, and my partner is also. I have reunited with my natural family and have a close healthy relationship with our adoptive parents. I have a seven year old son, who my boyfriend is looking to adopt, once we marry. My son has no relationship with his genetic dad (we had domestic violence issues in past and he legally has no visitation, haven’t seen him in 4 years) but I worry how my son would feel. I would never force this on him. We are pregnant and due in February. I worry deeply about my son feeling “left out” or “other” as he would have a different last name than the rest of us. I want it to be his decision on adoption, name, etc. He is very familiar with adoption as he has met our natural family, but again he is only seven. Legally on paper it would be much easier to have him under my partner, for health insurance and decision making reasons (recently he had an ICU stay due to breathing issues due to smoke from wildfires, also issues of getting him a passport, school meetings and involvement, etc) but I don’t plan on making that decision for him, as he hopes his father can get himself together to be able to be involved in his life again (as do I – knowing how it feels to be separated from biological parents, this has always been a goal of mine but the restrictions are purely for my son’s safety). Their reunification has always been a goal. Are there any other options for my boyfriend to assume legal guardianship or some kind of custody without severing the biological tie of my son with his father? His father is completely uninvolved by choice, as our protective order allows phone calls and such, and he just chooses to not engage. My son adores my boyfriend and they are very close. I just don’t want to put the weight of a decision like that on him, and I don’t want to choose it for him. I’m hoping there’s another answer.

In response, someone comments – My kids have different last names and I have a different last name than my husband. Everyone’s names are on the mailbox. I promise you that nobody actually cares, it’s your own insecurity about the situation. My husband is not my son’s father. You can easily get him on all the paperwork for your son’s school and doctors. If you are legally married, he can still be on your husband’s insurance without an adoption.

Another one adds – my oldest has my last name and my children with my husband have his. It’s a non issue. She never felt “left out” and why would she? From the age of 6 till adulthood, she’s only seen her biological father twice. My husband never “adopted” her, as it was unnecessary to care for and about her. She still has my last name (I hyphenated it when I married) and her sisters have their husband’s. Names don’t make a family.

More in this New York Times piece by Lisa Belkin LINK>Biological Siblings, Different Last Names.