This Really Should Be Illegal

A mom’s story –

When I was 15 and found myself pregnant and no idea really what was gonna happen. I mean I knew but was naive at that age. I was thinking about adoption. My mom called catholic services to see where to go from there. At that age, I thought my mom knew best. Anyway about a week later I was driven 1 1/2 hours away to a new home with the hopeful adoptive parents. They set me up with state aid and monitored everything I put in my body food wise. At 15, I was scared and didn’t know what was normal and not normal. I stayed for about a month. When I told them I wanted to go home, I had to promise to still give them my baby or I don’t think they would of brought me back. I was screamed at for the entire hour and half drive back home. The day I came home from delivering my baby, the social worker was sitting in my living room asking me to sign the papers to give this couple my baby. I hadn’t brought her home yet. When I said I was keeping her. I was sternly talked to about how I can’t parent at my age and was making a huge mistake. The hospital even put me on a separate floor, so I would not to get attached. That whole experience was very traumatic. That baby girl is now 30 and about to graduate college on the dean’s list. She has 2 baby girls that I wouldn’t of known. I don’t think hopeful adoptive parents should be able to put you in their home to browbeat and bully you into letting them keep your baby. It really should be against the law.

Does Anyone Ever Chose Drugs Over Their Kids ?

There is no way I can do justice to such a large and complex topic in a blog. I have experienced the difficulty of dealing with a spouse who has a substance use disorder. In my case, it was both alcohol and heroin that my spouse was using and it did impact our financial situation and our relationship. In fact, he left the region to try and get clean but came back. After that, I left because I lost hope that he could overcome it. Then, I left my daughter with her paternal grandmother, temporarily, only to discover that eventually, the grandmother turned her over to her father. I would NEVER have left her with him. However, he had remarried and her step-mother was very important in her life during those years. I did not know about the challenges that occurred in her household until very recently. I thought for many years that they gave her a family that I could not as a single mother – and I was not entirely wrong about that part – as her step and half siblings are very important to her. However, I also never knew about the domestic violence that she was forced to witness. It did not entirely surprise me when I learned of it. He had once threatened me with a pair of scissors due to a jealous outburst (which I had actually done nothing to cause). I was fortunate that he never hit me. If I had stayed longer, the outcome may have been worse.

In my all things adoption community today I read this discussion topic – Substance Use Disorder Views.

“Drugs are more important than their kids”

“The parents chose drugs over their kid”

“If they loved their children, they would get it together so they could get them back”

“She was given all the resources she would need, but it didn’t matter, she chose drugs over her kids”

All of the above can be read in any Foster/Adoptive Parent forum on any given day. Usually shared with clear disgust.

1) Are these statements accurate? Be prepared to back up why you say yes or no

2) Does removing children act as a wake up call or an avalanche effect?

NOTE: when discussing, please do not use the term addict, drug addict or any other derogatory term to identify someone dealing with SUD. Addiction is termed here as substance use disorder or SUD. We do this because we have members in recovery and we respect that language matters.

While there is not time to seriously address this, I did find something that is worth some time to consider, if you or someone you love is dealing with this issue. I will note that children are often removed from their parents for SUD. Some of will spend their entire childhood in foster care. The younger ones (typically they are more desirable) sometimes end up being adopted.

From Rutgers University – LINK>How much of addiction is genetic?
More than half of the differences in how likely people are to develop substance use problems stem from DNA differences, though it varies a little bit by substance. Research suggests alcohol addiction is about 50 percent heritable, while addiction to other drugs is as much as 70 percent heritable.

How many genetic risk factors have we discovered?
Hundreds, but there are hundreds more to be discovered. We just did a study where we measured how well the best current polygenic scores, combined with environmental risk factors, predicted substance use disorders in 15,000 people who participated in long-term studies, and we found that they only predicted about 10 percent of the outcome variations we saw. That said, people with the highest levels of risk were four times more likely to develop a substance use disorder than people with the lowest levels of risk, so we can already help people understand their risk level and optimize their health choices.

Foster Care Reform

Discussion topic from my all things adoption (and foster care because they are very much intertwined) – Being a foster caregiver means you are contributing to a flawed and broken system. It makes you part of the problem.

Foster carers don’t like to hear that, they prefer to feel they are saviors. They will use terms like they are a “soft place for these kids to land while their parents work on the issues that got them there” or they just want to be a “place these kids feel safe and loved”. They want to “make a difference” in these kids lives because that feels all warm and cozy and is the perfect look at me social media moment.

Lovely sentiments..I’ll say good intentions as well, but they are only that..lovely sentiments that mean nothing when you have a corrupt, controlling, biased system watching over you. Your hands are tied.

How can you better help kids other than being a foster caregiver and taking your instructions from a corrupt system? What specific changes need to be made in child welfare for it to even be remotely something someone should consider aligning themselves with?

Some of the thoughts on this –

Becoming a CASA advocate. It’s free, and the classes are typically offered 2-3 times a year. Connecting with kids through programs like Boys and Girls Club, Big Brother Big Sister. Reaching out to vulnerable families and offering help directly to them.

The biggest change is that the resources given to fosterers need to be redirected to families in need and family preservation as a whole. Poverty should never be a cause for removal.

One notes – the system needs to look for more kin. This idea that only the next of kin can take children supports the system not putting any effort into keeping kids with family. Half the time they don’t even look for family. They say they do, but they don’t.

It should go without saying but still it must be emphasized that nobody wants kids in an unsafe situation (even though Child Protective Services regularly leaves children in awful situations). And I’m sure there are instances where a trained non-relative’s residence is the best place to support the child. But those services must be disconnected from the foster system as we know it.

From a social worker in the field of family preservation – the continued participation of foster parents is propping up the system. I work in a system with many examples of how easy it is to eliminate the need for fostering. Kinship care is one – here, kinship is defined according to Indigenous cultures, which is any person involved in the child’s life, culture, or community. Family preservation programming is another, either through social supports coming into the home or the family moving into a residential facility with all needed supports in place. Another option is supported living placements for youth; they live independently in their own apartment with support workers and services integrated as needed.

Stop viewing being poor as a moral fault or think it automatically makes you a bad parent.

A former foster parent writes – I stopped being a foster parent when I realized how little support and care the parents received. I think it was actually a social worker than made me realize it when she said you and every other foster parent are no different than the parents. You could easily be in their same situation. I think more foster parents need to realize they are no different and start thinking about what they would want if they were in the same situation.

Personally if my kids were removed I would want full access to them, their healthcare, their school records and sports. I would want for them to be returned as quickly possible. That being said I am clueless and ignorant on how to help and how to support these families. I feel like the biggest problem in our area is drugs. Other than carrying Narcan, I don’t know how else to support help these families staying together. To which, someone else suggested – You can get involved with your local women’s shelter, Domestic Violence Shelters, etc – that is a start.

Yet another notes – there are some areas that are beginning amazing programs that foster whole families, either in home or out of home. LINK>Saving Our Sisters is a great place to start, volunteering as a sister on the ground. I love that you understand and empathize with parents. That’s rare and appreciated.

Another option is helping with food pantries and clothing pantries. Personally, I refuse to have anything to do with goodwill or salvation army because they are beyond problematic. LINK>The Trevor Project is another wonderful organization to get involved with to help at risk LGBTQ youth. Churches are also a great place to reach out to. Many of them have programs that help the community, but always need help.

There are courses you can take through Red Cross that offer Infant CPR and Child Care Certifications. Go into online community pages and explain that you are a former fosterer and you have infant CPR training (basically put out your credentials) and offer to help with child care.

I could go on and on but there is always another way to address social problems beyond tearing genetically related, biological families apart.

God Didn’t Do This

This is normal, this happens….birth mothers do change their mind, there’s always that chance. Adoption reformers want more expectant mothers to give raising their baby themselves a chance, rather than succumbing to adoption industry coercion, manipulation and narratives.

Still, there is another side to such stories and so here is the point of view from the disappointment suffered by a prospective adoptive parents –

I would love to tell you that we have spent the last few days soaking in the joy of being new parents, but our birth mom changed her mind at discharge and they took our little girl. Instead of coming home to her room, she went home to an empty RV with only the outfit she was wearing. No crib, no clothes, no books, no bassinet, no nothing, her “home” is as empty as our hearts.

There is no greater pain than losing a child and while we’re so thankful that she’s okay; we have lost her and we’re not okay. The pain in our hearts hurts so deep that our bodies physically ache. We can’t eat or drink because it does not go past the lump in our throats. I have hundreds of messages asking about her and sending love and congratulations but I can’t even look at them. I don’t want to go in public, I don’t want to have to explain this, I don’t want to hear people say they are sorry.

We spent 5 months remodeling our house and getting her room ready, but now our house no longer feels like home. Carrying that empty carseat out of the hospital and into our house were the hardest steps I’ve ever taken in my life. I keep praying the birth mom will change her mind but I’m also truly struggling with my faith. How can God do this to us? What have I possibly done to deserve such heartache?

I’ve found my husband on the floor in her room reading her books and just sobbing. My son held me so close crying on my shoulder and said “mom you’re too kind for this world and it’s a blessing and curse, but please don’t let this change you. The world needs more people like you to be a light in the dark.” I quite literally melted to the floor, but how do you not let this change you??!?! I’m cold, I’m numb, I’m broken, I’m angry, I’m crushed, and I don’t even know how to start picking up the pieces and moving forward.

We need time, and I don’t know how long it will take or if I’ll ever find a way to get back to being me. I’m not going to be responding to anything gym, rescue, or school board related. Please don’t reach out for help right now because I can’t even help myself. Please pray for our hearts, please pray for the baby and her mother (we don’t even know what her name is because we asked her not to use our name.)

Please respect that we need time and space. I’m not going to be on social media and to be perfectly honest – I only picked up my phone just now to make this post, so people stop asking about her. I don’t know how she is, I don’t know where she is, and ever since our world came crumbling down around us, I don’t even know who I am. So please, just don’t ask.

Blogger’s Note – Welcome To The Empty Car Seat Club. The truth is, it is a privilege to bring a baby home from the hospital. When that baby is not actually yours, if you do bring the infant home, you are causing trauma for both – that baby and their biological genetic mother. I’m not surprised that the aftermath of such an unexpected change in plans is full of sadness, grief, an unfathomable feeling of loss, and a different life than was planned that must now be adjusted to. I wish the reality were easier to bear but the outcome was for the best. There is lots of time for that mom to surrender her baby but it becomes much less likely once she has the opportunity to bond with her infant.

With No Real Oversight

From a Kinship Foster Parent –

For 14 months, a mom and baby were separated. The Dept of Health and Human Services, the supervising agency, the state attorney and the Guardian Ad Litem were all horrible. They were all constantly unprepared for court. The judge didn’t hold them accountable. It was all “well I didn’t get any reports from X, so I have nothing to report, and I don’t agree with motions in favor of mom, as I don’t know if she is making any progress.” Not to mention that court was often pushed back by weeks to months for various reasons but not by the mom’s fault, but on the court’s side of things.

They were also very inconsiderate of our ethnic practices, which are not uncommon, such as we live in multi-generational homes and new parents aren’t expected to have a job. All of the baby needs are essentially taken care of at the baby shower for up to 1-2 years of that child’s life.

There are just a lot of awful things the state did and I’m unsure of where to report these things aside from the FCRO (Foster Care Review Office), who were just like “Meh. We can’t take any action as case is still open,” but I wonder where we can start. Who is ensuring that these people are being compliant?

Comments –

From an adoptee – These interactions ALONE should be enough to get this case closed. How could you be so unprofessional, when literally dealing with someone’s life ? If there is a concern that the involved agencies will mess with guardianship plans or reunification, then lawyer up. It is incredibly difficult to navigate the system without education, and those agencies know that and use that to their advantage. Sadly, most state agencies have no real oversight. Again, they know this and use that to their advantage.

Struggles As A Single Parent

It starts with awareness which is why I write this blog almost every day. From a domestic infant adoptee in my all things adoption group –

Reading the article – LINK>What It’s Like Raising A Kid You Didn’t Want – makes clear that this parent very much loves her child, but is low on bandwidth as she struggles to provide as a single parent.

blogger’s note – I understand that struggle, I ended up losing my daughter to my ex-husband and her step-mother because of that struggle. And I DID want my daughter very much. It was a love so strong that it surpassed any romantic love I’ve ever had (married or not). I will never fully get over not raising her past the age of 3 but that is the unintended consequence of leaving her temporarily with her paternal grandmother.

Continuing with the comment by the domestic infant adoptee in my all things adoption group – “I continue to be struck hard by how long it took me to consider that we should give resources to people with children instead of children to people with resources. If, I, as an adopted person, took over 40 years to consider this idea, then I suppose it is little wonder that the common narrative leans so hard into adoption. Changing this feels daunting when I read how causally people toss off their convictions about this.”

One who was fostered from birth and then adopted at the age of 10 notes – that her personal experiences with the two mothers in her life (the biological and the adoptive) “make her want be the mother she never had – but she realizes that not everyone has the ability or privilege to know how to break the cycle.”

In the linked article, the mother writes – “I hate being solely responsible for him. I hate supporting him on my own (his father contributes nothing and there’s little I can do about it).” She writes about a generational cycle and I have certainly seen that effect in my own biological family. Adoptee parents producing children they love very much but those children (3 of us) all ended up being unable to raise our own children. I already explained my daughter’s circumstances, which really had everything to do with her father refusing to pay child support. Both of my sisters gave up a child to adoption. One of them lost custody to the paternal grandparents through a legal action.

blogger’s note – I used to go regularly to my mom for little handouts of cash help but one can only do that so much. The author of the article writes – “Some family members have since contributed to childcare expenses, for which I’m grateful. But I am still just scraping by (and sometimes not).”

She ends her article with – “When parents use up all their energy to provide the basics, how does a kid feel loved?” For which, this blogger has no answer. Though I did lose physical (but never legal that I know of) custody of my daughter, I did try to stay connected with her and it seems to have payed off with a decently close relationship with her now in our later years.

That Was Scary

When my sons were still very young, I used to worry that some well-meaning person could cause us to lose our sons to Child Protective Services. Thankfully, we never even came close. Today’s story came much closer.

A couple weeks ago my almost 4 year old got out the door while me and my boyfriend were asleep. My brother (who is an adult) was here to watch him, so me and my boyfriend could sleep for work because we start work at 6pm and work 12 hour shifts. Unfortunately my brother fell asleep while my son was taking a nap. The police came obviously and they woke me up, made me come outside and have a discussion with them. They were berating me and basically shaming me as a mother for my son getting out – even though I was under the impression that another capable adult was watching my son. Well low and behold, I got a call from Wisconsin DHS (Dept of Human Services) they want to meet with me on Wednesday morning to talk to me about what happened. My house is clean, we have plenty of food, and a nice house. Running water, and even central air. Plenty of toys and all our children have there own beds to sleep in. How should I approach this? A lawyer is NOT an option as were on a very tight budget as is and I get no help from my children’s father financially.

Thankfully, an update from the mom – for everyone curious. I met with the worker today (Wed June 7th). She came. Looked around. Asked questions about what happened and then said it’s gonna be an open and shut case since she’s not at all concerned about the children. We had already put in a chain lock, so my son cannot get out again. That was her biggest concern.

To which another mom noted – my son loved to take himself out early in the morning and managed to pull the chain out of the wall once. We used a knob cover on his bedroom door and our front door which did stop him. Just in case he figures out the chain or breaks it.

I did not know about these. Here’s a YouTube that explains how they function (I’m certain there are other brands, this is just one I found).

But Where Is Jill?

Back when I was working through my own genetic identity puzzle (both adoptee parents died without knowing anything much about their origins), I read this book – The Foundling – which is the story of how Jack Rosenthal became Paul Joseph Fronczak. I was reminded of his story today by a friend.

The title of today’s blog was inspired by his own website LINK>Help Find Jill and the search he has still not completed – to find his twin sister Jill. I searched my blogs here to see if I ever wrote about his story but didn’t find anything – so today I thought I would highlight it.

Paul prefers to go by Jack these days but true to his complex identity, he will still refer to himself as Paul on the website. At Help Find Jill he notes – “I recently filed a missing person’s report for Jill with the Atlantic City Police Department, and I also commissioned a forensic artist named Natalie Murry to create age progression images of what Jill might look like today. The images are above, both smiling and not smiling, blond and brunette.” You can see those images at the link above.

At LINK>DNA Angels, I read – “. . . the man who grew up Paul Joseph Fronczak was actually Jack Rosenthal. One half of a set of twins that disappeared quietly and mysteriously from Atlantic City, NJ. Jack has a twin sister, Jill. But if Jack turned up in Newark, where did Jill end up?” So many questions still unresolved, so much time and energy spent on the searching, leaving Jack to wonder, “is the search worth all the pain.”

He writes – “I am hoping that someone, somewhere, will see something in these images that sparks a distant memory, and possibly leads me to the truth about what happened to Jill. The facts are few. Jill and I were born on October 27, 1963, in an Atlantic City hospital. Our parents were named Gilbert and Marie Rosenthal—they have both passed on.”

“Then, in 1965, when I was not quite two years old, I was found abandoned in a stroller in front of a department store in Newark, New Jersey. I was wearing a new blue suit, and I had a cold. A year later, I was thought to be the same infant who was kidnapped from his parents in Chicago in 1964, and police handed me over to that family—the Fronczaks.”

“I have not been able to learn what happened to my sister, Jill, at the time that I was abandoned. There was no record of her being missing, and no information about her since. It is almost as if she never existed. But she did. I have her birth certificate. I’ve spoken with people who met her when she and I were with the Rosenthals. Many different people remember her existing.”

Paul(Jack) is asking anyone who might know anything about Jill, or this case, or the Rosenthals, to please step forward and contact him through his website. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact him. He notes – “I’ve always believed that Jill is still alive and out there somewhere. And I’m not going to stop searching for her until I learn the truth, no matter how long that takes.”

blogger’s note – His story continues to resonate with me. I am a Gemini and so the idea of twins has always appealed to something deep in me. Also, when my mom’s adoptive mother was working with Georgia Tann to adopt my mom, she wrote that she wanted a “Jill” to go with her “Jack.” My mom’s adoptive brother was named John. My mom’s adoptive parents named her Julie. “Jack and Jill.”

From LINK>Wikipedia – The phrase “Jack and Jill” existed earlier in England to indicate a boy and girl as a generic pair. It is so used, for example, in the proverb “Every Jack (shall/must) have his Jill.” There are references in two plays by William Shakespeare dating from the 1590s.

Required By Law

A woman writes –

I keep thinking things can’t get worse and trying to be strong but right now I feel hopeless and it seems impossible. I was working for the school system but they wouldn’t make accommodations for me (example: needing bathroom breaks or a lunch break to eat, etc) and my contract will not be renewed for the upcoming school year because I fought them on not allowing me a pumping accommodation (although required by law) in the future. I’m applying and interviewing but so far everyone only seems to focus on me being pregnant and maternity leave and turning me down. I’m finding this disheartening because I’m being responsible and being proactive yet that doesn’t seem to matter or be helpful. Really having doubts today about my future or my son’s future. I’m trying to imagine that once he is here, everything will be different but I can’t today.

I remember being “let go” from Sears Roebuck & Co back in 1973 when I worked in the Infants department. I was pregnant and there were no “protections” for such a state of being back then. What a difference the passage of time makes.

A LINK>Freeman Mathis & Gary blog at the law firm’s website notes – Two new federal laws aimed at increasing protections for pregnant and breastfeeding employees will go into effect in 2023: the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act (“PWFA”) and the Providing Urgent Maternal Protections for Nursing Mothers Act (“PUMP For Nursing Mothers Act”). Employers should familiarize themselves with the new employee protections and employer obligations under both laws.

While the law should help the woman I quoted, I also know that in the “real” world that is NOT always enough. The PWFA appears to substantially increase protections for employees and job applicants with known limitations relating to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions. It applies to employers with 15 or more employees. It is NOT in effect yet but kicks in on June 27, 2023.

The PWFA entitles covered employees to a reasonable accommodation unless the accommodation would impose an undue hardship on the operations of the employer. As with other disabled employees, the employer must engage in the interactive process with the employee in order to discuss and determine the reasonable accommodation. The obligation to engage in the interactive process is triggered when the employer becomes aware of an employee’s “known limitation” arising out of a pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical condition.

Already in effect as of December 29 2022, the PUMP For Nursing Mothers Act amended the Fair Labor Standards Act (“FLSA”) to entitle all employees (not just non-exempt employees) to unpaid reasonable break time to express breast milk up to one year after the employee’s child’s birth. The Act requires that breaks be provided “each time such employee has need to express the milk.”

The Act also requires employers to provide a private location to express milk that is not a bathroom. Employers should be aware that an employee must be compensated for pumping breaks if such a break must be paid according to other federal, state or local laws; the employee is not completely relieved of duties during the entirety of the break; or if they express breast milk during an otherwise paid break period. The PUMP for Nursing Mothers Act contains a small employer exception for employers with fewer than 50 employees where compliance would cause an undue hardship.

Swear Vent and Color

I could be therapeutic. I have enjoyed coloring at various times in my life – don’t really have time now. I’m not an “angry” adoptee (just the child of two adoptees that found each other). However, this looks like a really fun way to release some emotions.

From LINK>Amazon where this book is available – The creators hope that being able to vent your feelings and thoughts in this Coloring & Journal book helps you along your healing journey.

Why an angry sweary coloring & journal book? Because punching people in the face is frowned upon, and anger isn’t great for your overall mental and physical health, if you hold on to it – so just let it all out !

As an adult adoptee that struggles with the 7 core issues of being adopted (loss, rejection, guilt and shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control), I have created this therapeutic coloring book with angry quotes, original sweary coloring illustrations & patterns, journaling prompts and blank doodling pages (extra journal & doodle pages are included at the back).

A beneficial companion to therapy – the coloring pages will help reduce stress and anxiety, promoting mindfulness and reflection as you release your inner most angriest feelings about being adopted, adoption trauma, adoption laws, discrimination, and the adoption industry as a whole.

You don’t have to follow the journaling prompts, you can just write all your thoughts and feelings anywhere you please – this is YOUR healing journey and there are no rules.!

Helpful Tip – Don’t use felt tip markers – it might seep through to the next page. You can use colored pencils or even crayons, if you have them.

PS – I don’t know if the creators or Amazon put those “censored” stickers on the book cover but this was the only illustration I found.