Author: debyemm

Struggling With Forgiveness

A woman writes – I’ve been struggling lately being adopted. I’m glad I was removed from the situation I was in, but I’m struggling with forgiving my birth mom. Am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with her? My feelings have gotten stronger since I had my child and even though I debated putting him up for adoption at one point (because I was in a really bad financial situation) I struggle with understanding why I wasn’t enough to make her get herself together and be a mom.

Am I wrong for not forgiving her? And for being bitter about it?

I understand a lot of parents do what they think is best or they were coerced, but the state gave her multiple chances and resources to help her be a mom. Even long before we were removed from her care, then they gave her a chance for 3 years to get her life back on track. I’ve read the reports, so I know what happened and I feel anger towards her for it.

An adoptee responded – As an adoptee, I get it. I also considered placing my baby, because of financial reasons, but didn’t, so I feel you. I’m in a successful and happy reunion, but I get you. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are entitled to your very valid feelings. And now that you are an adult, you and only you get to make the choices that are right for you. And you get to build a beautiful life for your own child. And you don’t owe her anything. Nothing. It’s really okay.

From another adoptee – You are not wrong and you are enough. The decision to not do the work necessary is 100% on her.

From an adoptee who also spent time in foster care – My adopted mom (who I didn’t know wasn’t my biological mom as a child) couldn’t keep her act together enough to keep Child Protective Services from removing me. So I feel very similarly to you. I also have anger towards my birth mother for allowing such an awful person to adopt me. I don’t speak to either of them and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You don’t owe anyone your forgiveness and your feelings are valid.

Another adoptee with a similar background to the one above – I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused for 11 years with my biological mom. She would leave us for days to go on benders. I was allowed to continue contact with her and my foster parents always facilitated that, if we wanted it. I decided voluntarily to cut ties with my biological mom at 12, when I was finally adopted after 11 years of back and forth, and failed reunification attempts. After my biological dad died, even though they weren’t together, I decided to try to reconnect with her. She cursed me out because I wouldn’t tell her where my dad’s funeral service would be. I didn’t want her name attached to me. This was the day after he died. I was 18. I haven’t spoken to her in 10 years. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want her to ever know if I have my own children. I don’t want to speak to her. And no, I do not feel bad at all about it. I’ve resolved it in myself. I know exactly what happened – I lived it. Painting foster/adoption with a broad brush is dangerous, as not everyone’s experience is the same and not all kids have a biological option to turn to. I did not. I am forever grateful that I am adopted. It was after 11 years of meth-addled Dept of Family and Child Services visits, neglect, abuse, and psychological trauma. I’ll never finish undoing what she did to me. Some folks do not deserve kids. That’s my truth and I won’t let anyone make me feel bad for it.

She also expresses appreciation for her foster parents who fostered 45 kids during their lifetime and only adopted 3 of us. Two of us are biologically related (me and my half-brother, who entered care, after I had already been placed with them for 8 years. They had guardianship of me and then took him, when he entered care, because it was what was best for us – to have the presence of a biological sibling). The third child, they had from the time he was 2 days old and his biological mom requested they adopt him because she was serving a 10 year sentence in prison and had nobody to take him. She said she would only do it, if she adopted him. They did many things most foster parents would never dream of doing.

Infertility and Reality

I read today where a woman wrote – In reality, unless you have gone through infertility, no one should value your opinion. You can not relate. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It gives many children loving homes, with two people who love them. It does not matter if your child is biologically yours or not. The love is the same.

This is, of course, the standard adoption industry narrative.

A woman shares that she saw this on a thread about infant trauma from maternal separation. She responded to this with “WHOA!! Did you just say that no one who hasn’t experienced infertility should have their opinion on adoption valued?

“So the mother who lost our children to a predatory industry – our opinion on the pain of that, even though it’s literally killing us, should not be valued. And children who lose their biological connections forever without their consent, and live forever with the pain of that loss, should not have their opinion valued.

“Only those who can’t have children should have a valuable opinion on whether they can continue to have access to other people’s children??”

An adoptee shares her lived experience –  I’d argue that actually, my infertile adopted mother did NOT love me the same. She grew a love for me, sure. She says she loves me, but I am telling you, it’s absolutely NOT the same as if they had just given my biological mother the chance to love and raise me with the proper supports in place. I was robbed of proper love from my mother because I was adopted.

A mother of loss (child surrendered to adoption) writes – yeah beautiful for the adoptive parents. Not necessarily for the child or the natural parents. But our opinion doesn’t matter. Another woman from that category says – So because someone hasn’t gone through a thing, they shouldn’t have an opinion on that thing. Hmmm.

Then this from an adoptee who HAS struggled with infertility for almost 15 years – This take always fills me with so much anger. I NEVER once considered stealing someone else’s child. Instead, I directed the love into working with children and it brought me so much happiness and joy – no destruction of a family necessary. And then after the long battle, I had my *own* son and I can tell you that I never felt the way I feel about my son about any of the other kids I cared for – regardless of how much I cared for them. I loved them deeply, but they weren’t *mine.*

She adds this about her son — we are each other’s genetic mirror, the bond happened while he was still in my belly, it’s been there intrinsically. Never artificial. His birth tested the bond between my adoptive mother and I, and let me tell you it became crystal clear just how *not* hers I am, once she saw the bond between my son and I.

16 and Pregnant

Tyler and Catelynn Baltierra with 3 of their daughters

Not a space I’ve a tendency to inhabit but today I saw this Instagram note – Tyler Baltierra Reveals He & Wife Catelynn “Got In Trouble” For Saying The Word ‘Sister’ About Their Adopted Daughter. This couple’s first pregnancy was the subject of an MTV program where the end result was that they placed their first born daughter, Carly, for adoption.

One commenter said – Oh my god , this story makes me so sad because they gave Carly up thinking Brandon and Theresa (B&T) had more financial resources. Tyler and Catelynn have stayed together and Carly now has full siblings. This couple probably has more money than the adoptive parents. Their daughters are full blooded siblings and B&T can’t deny that reality. They took advantage of poor teens and it’s backfired.

It is said that the couple have had their ups and downs with Carly’s birth parents over the years — particularly after the Davises did not want the Teen Mom: The Next Chapter stars to show Carly’s face on social media or the show — the families reunited in May 2023, where Carly got to spend time with her three biological sisters.

In June of 2012, Catelynn wrote – Carly “has the biggest attitude now, like Tyler. She’s so headstrong and confident. It’s funny. She’s really good at counting and knowing all her colors. She started preschool and she’s really doing great in school.”

In April of 2015, the adoptive mother Teresa Davis was quoted saying – “We have a platform to speak on adoption from an adoptive parent perspective that nobody else has. The baby biologically is yours, but in every other way, she is our child, and you have to trust our decisions.”

In May of 2019, Tyler wrote wrote in a touching birthday tribute to Carly – “Ten years ago yesterday, we were only 17. Ten years ago, we brought you into the world. 10 years ago, we only got to hold you by ourselves for a half hour in the hospital as we just cried and stared at you, remembering every little detail of how absolutely perfect you were, since we knew that even though we just met, we had to say goodbye. 10 years ago, we had to make the hardest decision of our lives and give you everything your innocent life deserved that we just couldn’t provide at the time. 10 years ago, we held each other and wept as we watched you drive away in the back of the car with the only parents that were worthy to be yours. … We love you so much & hopefully get to see you soon baby girl. Happy Birthday Carly!”

Being celebrity influencers, the saga or drama has been ongoing. You can read more at US Magazine.com’s Celebrity Moms feature where I got my quotes above. I’m not delving in further but if it interests you, here is the LINK>Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra’s Quotes About Daughter Carly and Her Adoptive Parents.

It’s Complicated

A woman who went from foster care into being adopted at age 5 writes about the all things adoption group that I am part of as well – “Honestly, when I first joined I thought woahhhhh, wtf is going on. I thought adoption was the best thing, a loving alternative, selfless choice. Etc. Still not entirely sure my thoughts…its complex.”

blogger’s note – I understand. As the child of two adoptees, I felt the same way when I arrived in that group. Learning about my parents original parents, left me confused about the adoptive relatives I grew up with. I think I’ve almost resolved it, still not certain 100%, but yeah – it’s complex.

She continues – By all accounts I’m a “successful” and “productive” member of society. A partner, two kids, a nice house, a great job, etc. But my adoptive parents (still getting used to that term) have disowned me…again. First time was in my 20s, when I got divorced. I went through that alone and very very broke. This 2nd time is now that my husband and I have moved from FL (2 hours away from my adoptive parents who were not very helpful or involved) back to MD where we have a huge support network of friends and very involved “adopted” grandparents (my husband travels extensively for the fed government and extra hands were promised by my parents in FL but never materialized).

The problem ? My adoptive mother is…furious we dared to move. FURIOUS. What I’m grappling with is the loss of my adoptive parents and just coming to terms with their conditional love and really wild misplaced hate. I love them. I really do. My kids loved them too. But shit, it seems like this is common ? Adoptive parents turning their backs on their kids ? Why ?? How ? Are there support groups ? I’ve been to counseling but it wasn’t adoptee centered. Honestly I really didn’t want to admit to myself that adoption has played any part in my parents behavior but shit…it’s a lot.

She requests any words or suggestions of support from anyone (whether an adoptee or not).

Someone with similar early circumstances writes – Why does anybody expect strangers to treat someone else’s child as if “born to them”. It seems more normal for strangers to temporarily care for someone else’s child. The entire adoption industry is based on the great big lie. Please know that you are not the only one.

Another adoptee writes – I don’t know what to tell you to be honest. The best I can give you is find those who are your tribe and stick with them. I don’t think we’ll ever understand the hows or the whys of this whole mess. I think we have to be grateful for the good that we have and grieve the losses of the things that we wish we could have had. Be thankful you have a supportive husband and extended family. I’m kind of on an island by myself. I long for a partner that will support me.

Someone writes from personal experience, it’s because they have a mindset of people being replaceable.

From another adoptee – Unfortunately, it is very common. I think it goes back to the terminology people use around adoption – we were “chosen”. Well, something chosen can be UNchosen. They never like to talk about that part. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It never gets any easier, does it? Sending you hugs.

An adoptee admits – My trauma didn’t hit me until I started to have kids and just couldn’t wrap my brain around it. My adoption had caused me a lot of unexplained health issues.

Sorry You’re Struggling

Which was followed by “Probably you should put your kids up for adoption.”

This is not helpful advice. In looking for an adoption image with 3 children, I ended up with the movie poster above. Wanting to know more about it – I clicked a link to the Adoptions with Love website, where there is a review of the movie – LINK>The Adoption Storyline in the Movie, Instant Family. The movie was released in 2018. The film is based on the real-life story of director Sean Anders and his wife, Beth, who took in three young siblings to foster together in 2012. At the time the children were six, three, and 18-months-old. They later chose to adopt these children and give them a permanent home. The storyline goes into specific detail of the foster care adoption process. blogger’s note – Poverty is often the cause of children being separated from their biological family and placed into foster care.

Back to my struggling mom . . . She was getting comments like – “You are a mother of 3 kids. You chose this. It’s no one else’s fault. Stop playing victim and start taking control of your life. Money doesn’t grow on trees and honestly you have to help yourself ultimately. Have you even thought about giving the kids up for adoption ? Loving your kids so much – don’t you want them to have a better life ? I know it would be hard but maybe it’s better for them.”

One response she got was this – Seriously ?? Why is it always money = “love,” do they even consider for one second how devastating it would be for those kids to be ripped away from their mother and forced to live with a stranger ? I almost gave birth in a hotel and my FIL was extremely judgmental (without offering help, so we could qualify for a rental—we did a few months later) but thankfully nobody had the audacity to say this to me !

From an adoptee – do not listen. I wish someone would have encouraged my biological mother to keep going and get better, so she could raise me. Get your encouragement where adult adoptee voices are loud and clear. You will find plenty of us rooting for you.

Even from an adoptive mother – there will always be someone out there that appears “better” than each of us. Ask her why she didn’t give her kids a “better” life ! I’m so sorry that she isn’t giving you proper advice/support, and possibly making you question your worth. You got this ! Don’t give up !!!

She was asked – Do your 3 kids live w you ? The struggling mom responded – yes. In a one bedroom. Lights are off now, so they’re somewhere else, while I stay here. The one asking shared – Your children want to be safe and be loved. While a good shelter that is based on getting people on their feet could be a good idea – adoption isn’t. Especially for those reasons. Your babies love their mom. And that was nasty of your friend to say. I’m sorry and I hope it gets better.

Interesting Legal Question

Saw this today – Are adopted parents/ guardians considered next of kin in legal terms when dealing with post mortem ? In other words, the child is now an adult – no kids, no husband – who legally defaults to power of attorney (POA) when one isn’t otherwise appointed or who has legal say over the deceased child’s (now adult) estate, etc. I saw a post about a biological parent legally adopting as an adult and it caused me pause. I don’t want my adopted family to ever become default decision makers or have rights over me or my estate post mortem or otherwise. I never considered the possibility until now, or what the possible complications could be.

Some thoughts – If a will is not written, yes. Similar thought here – if there’s no written POA, it would default to the adoptive parent or adoptive sibling. The biological parent/family wouldn’t be considered, unfortunately, unless it’s been written into a legally binding will. One adoptee said bluntly – Please consult with an estate planning attorney. Blogger’s note – this is an important point that I learned when my own parents passed away – A will is important because even if you appoint a power of attorney, that becomes null and void upon death. A will is what is enacted after death.

Another person strongly encouraged – please make a will asap and also speak to your medical providers about changing your health care proxy as well (at every appointment I go to, they ask if I have a proxy and if I would like to change it – so it should be possible to get this done right at the front desk). Even listing a trusted friend on there is better than leaving it blank!

An adoptee shared this – My “common law husband” and I are not legally married (for our own reasons) and I had to get something certified saying he was my next of kin in the event of an emergency.

Important points from an adoptee – your adoptive parents are your next of kin – unless you create legal documents saying otherwise. These are inexpensive/ free to create – so don’t delay. My mom legally adopted me, but not for this reason. My bigger concern was who is going to be listed as my parents on my death certificate, and other documents used for genealogy. I don’t want future generations to believe a lie and think my former female adopter is my family.

One shared this story that it can be not even due to death – My nephew just got notified he is next of kin to his FORMER stepmother, who never adopted him and who was his abuser. He is the closest person she has legally to kin. She lapsed into a coma in Mexico and the US Consulate tracked him down. So it isn’t just your remains, it is your living body – if you cannot decide for yourself. Yes, it is horrifying. You need more than just a will!

Some valuable insights from an adoptee who has worked in a retirement community for nearly 15 years – Get all of your paperwork up to date (Financial power of attorney, Health Care proxy/Advance Directive), and create a will, and give copies to people you trust. I’ve seen a lot of awful things between unwanted health decisions being made to legal battles over estates because paperwork wasn’t in order. In your paperwork, be as specific as you can be about your wishes, who should make decisions, and what should happen to your property. All of those people need copies, and keep extra copies in a safe place separate from the original.

She adds – In my own family, we had a bad actor around after a family member died. This person stole the original will thinking it would stop the wishes of the deceased from being upheld (so they could take everything for themselves), but we had a copy of the will and went to court to fight for it to be accepted. Thankfully it was, because there was no evidence provided to show that there was a new will drawn up or that this one was void.

The child of a step-parent guardianship with current experience notes – If you have a will, beneficiaries on your bank accounts and power of attorney in place that will supersede next of kin. I’m in the estate process for my grandpa and he had no will, POA or beneficiaries listed on anything.

Another important point – A living will. You can direct that a certain person is in charge. Just make sure you have things on file. Make sure whomever is in charge of your medical poa, should you become incapacitated, KNOWS your wishes. Think about what you would want done and make sure that person clearly knows it. Someone else suggests similarly – Have an advanced care directive that clearly states who is able to make medical choices on your behalf in case you are incapacitated. Carry it with you at all times.

Linda Ronstadt Adoptive Mother

If not for her remarks recently, I would have never known that Linda Ronstadt is an adoptive mother. She wrote – “I raised two adopted children in Tucson as a single mom. They are both grown and living in their own houses. I live with a cat. Am I half a childless cat lady because I’m unmarried and didn’t give birth to my kids? Call me what you want, but this cat lady will be voting proudly in November for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz.”

Linda adopted two children, a son and a daughter, in the 1990s. She never married.

Mary Clementine Ronstadt is her daughter and was adopted as an infant. She can also sing harmonies according to her mother. Linda is quoted as saying “Children need art in their lives — real art, not the stuff you watch on television. Art is essential for processing your feelings and connecting to your origins and identity.”

Carlos Javier Andres Ronstadt was adopted in 1994. He grew up alongside his sister in San Francisco, California. Carlos has stayed away from the limelight for most of his life but is close to his mother. Carlos has worked for Apple and is also a musician. She has said about him – “My son is actually really talented. He picked up the guitar and just learned it like lightning, but that’s not his primary focus. He’s a techie and has a good job and a nice girlfriend. My children both use music for their own enjoyment, which is what music is really for.”

Details in today’s blog came from LINK>Legit.

Blogger’s note – I once owned Ronstadt’s CD – Canciones de mi Padre. Here’s one from that album performed live.

Desperation

Today, I read this “confession.”

We need to get rid of the stigma of shoplifting food, diapers and necessary items. Corporations steal from us, everyday.

1. If you see someone doing this, you could offer her support. Financial help and/or childcare with some of the restrictions maybe.

2. I am still going through this. I was caught stealing diapers. I have to do 50 hours of community service, take a shoplifting class and pay court fees. I also did a weekend in “jail”.

An adoptee wrote – I see no reason to withhold support from someone trying to survive.

A kinship guardian says – Medicine and food for her kid isn’t reason enough ? Maybe not the best choice but clearly she is desperate.

Another adoptee – Stealing groceries and baby formula is a failure of us as a society, not of the person trying to feed their family and children.

Yet another person – given that (presumably) other avenues have been exhausted: feeding and medicating your sick, hungry child is a good enough excuse/reason to take basic necessities from a mega corporation.

A Birth Mother’s Story

I didn’t technically know I was pregnant until I was almost 8 months along. I had been in jail for 4 months before I found out. I had a suspicion I was and the jail supposedly ran 2 blood work and 2 pee tests and kept telling me I wasn’t pregnant. I was around 4 months pregnant when I got to the jail so after being there for 4 months I was 8 months along when I got out. I had her about a month early and had went to one doctor’s appointment for her.

She came out July 2nd and was 4lbs 6ounces and just perfect. I met the adoptive parents through an agency. I met with them one time before I had her and absolutely fell in love with them. I’m having a hard time – missing her – but I know she is exactly where she is supposed to be. The family very much wants me involved in her life and I’m having a hard time with knowing if it’s better that she knows me from the start or if she would be better off not knowing. I have 2 other daughters that I don’t have unfortunately. My oldest daughter passed away in a house fire that happened and she went back in to try and save our puppies and never made it back out. They want to have her know about her sisters and that makes me happy. My other daughter is with her father for now.

My oldest daughter was with me when I gave birth. I had her on my mom’s birthday and my nurse’s name was Rilee, which was my daughter’s name. I know I did the right thing for my baby girl. She is going to have a wonderful life full of all the things I couldn’t give her at this time of my life.

It’s so hard not having her with me but seeing her pictures all the time, knowing she should have been mine and that I failed at life to the point that I couldn’t raise her properly, that kills me inside.

Changing A Child’s Name

I don’t belong to that group. Some in my all things adoption group which includes foster parents, adoptive parents and former foster care youths had some (actually a LOT) thoughts but I’ll just share a few.

One adoptive parent said simply – she is not a dog!!! (blogger’s note – we have a bunny that we got at the state fair many years ago – we were told his name is Walnut – and we had not desire to change it.) One woman noted – In fact, I never changed my cat’s name when I adopted her from an animal shelter. The one who shared the image wrote – A child is not an animal, you can’t change their name to suit YOUR wants. This is NOT design a child. It’s one thing if the child is older and it’s THEIR decision, but we’re talking about a toddler here.

Another person noted – “fostering to adopt” because it’s the cheaper way to buy a kid! FFS! To which another added – it shouldn’t be allowed as it’s a conflict of interest. Wonder how many reunifications have been derailed by the fosters that want to keep specific children?! Someone else noted financial reasons – it’s income from the state till the child reaches 18, in some cases, 21! Another added experience – I know of a couple reunifications that didn’t happen after the fosters decided they wanted to adopt. These were parents actively working towards reunification; and if they couldn’t be returned to the parents, there were other family members willing to take them. It is so messed up that in some cases the fosters have more rights than the parents or family. I know that one of the fosters turned out to have ties with the Guardian Ad Litem’s brother. Coincidence? Doubtful.

One mother of loss tells her sad story – My kids’ fosters actively stood in the way of reunification, and played on the fact that (when they moved for TPR – Termination of Parental Rights) I was in a state of upheaval, and had no place of my own, no job, and no family to rely on. It didn’t matter that I was clean, following all recommendations, willing to do therapy with the kids, and actively looking for work. They verbally promised visitation, if I would sign the papers. And then, the judge in our TPR hearing gave me 30 days to decide whether I would sign voluntarily or fight. I was told in open court that if I didn’t sign, he would terminate anyway and I would have no shot at visitation (I later found out that the judge was KNOWN for being biased against natural mothers in recovery). So I signed, thinking at least I’d have something, just for them to say they didn’t feel it was in the kids best interests to have me in their lives. I was never informed by my lawyer that I could appeal. Someone I knew told me, after the appeal time had expired. It’s absolutely insane what the state can get away with. I wasn’t even allowed to explain to my kids what happened and say goodbye. I haven’t spoken to or seen them since 2017. It shattered my heart and not a day goes by that I don’t see them in my mind.